Here For You (16 page)

becca

I couldn’t breath
e.

I couldn’t think.

Those words kept playing in my head, over and over like a musical box that just wouldn’t stop playing. Several days. The one person I wanted forever was not going to be with me and I didn’t know how to deal with that. I thought not talking to James would help but it only made things worse. He was the only person I could talk to about this and I’d just pushed him away for nothing. We’d been friends for eight years and not once had I ignored him or not talked to him, especially not for this long.

Would he push me away as I had him? Would he understand why I hadn’t answered his calls or why I was very brief in my texts? I had called Emma earlier but it wasn’t the same as talking to my best friend.

I barely told her anything, just cried the whole time, but I promised her that I would call her after I had talked to James, after I had calmed down a little. I’d been a horrible friend, but most of all, a horrible person. I had shut out the ones who loved me the most, when I needed them the most.

But James didn’t small talk, nor did he sugarcoat shit. He would have made everything that was happening real. And I didn’t want
real.
I wanted
fake.
I wanted a dream with happy people, ponies and unicorns. I needed him to tell me that that kind of world existed. Because currently, where I was at, was full of dark and dreadful things.

The rain was pouring as my windshield wipers flipped hard, back and forth, at the highest speed. They said a storm was coming our way but I couldn’t stay home. I couldn’t be in that town any longer. Not if I wanted my sanity. Not if I wanted my life. Which I was risking, because the tears were blurring my vision and dropping onto my shorts. Thunderstorms were rolling in as I got closer to my destination.

I couldn’t breathe.

I pressed the button to lower my window and in came a gush of water, slapping me a little on my face and arms. It woke me up from the coma state I was currently in.

“Destination to your left,” I heard my GPS tell me. Pulling into the parking lot, I didn’t see the motorcycle I had come to recognize anywhere. Getting out of the car in a rush, I was in a mini battle with the rain as it smacked me in the face, hard. I was drenched in a matter of seconds, but it didn’t stop me.

Knock, knock, knock.

As the water ran over my clothes I couldn’t help the shiver that ran through my body. I banged a little harder the second time.

Knock, knock, knock.

Maybe he knew I was there. He hadn’t picked up the phone. He hated me. As I went to bang on the door for the third and final time someone opened the door. It was Paul.

A look of confusion was written all over his face. Was I a fucking ghost? Did I die on the ride here? “Becca,” he said, but it came out as a question.

My lips were quivering so bad I couldn’t speak, the only thing I could do was shiver and nod.

He moved to the side. “Shit, come in. Let me get you a towel.” I stepped into the apartment I knew so well and waited as he ran to get me a towel. He was gone a whole two seconds but my tears, mixed with the rain, were coming down again. Stopping in front of me, he wrapped the towel around my shoulders.

“Hey, are you okay?” He sounded concerned. Maybe he thought I was crazy? It was almost midnight and here I was soaked, crying, shivering, in the middle of his living room. I would have thought I was crazy too.

But I didn’t have words at that moment, just thoughts, thoughts that made me cry even harder. I felt him pull me to his chest. Rubbing my arms up and down to warm me up, he kept saying, “Shhhh, everything is going to be alright.”

It was nice being in someone’s arms as they consoled me, trying to make me feel better even though they didn’t know the problem, even though nothing would be alright. I didn’t know how long we stood there. It could have been hours, minutes, even a few seconds but he pulled me back and held me at arm length.

“Just wait, I’ll get him, okay?” Perfect. He was speaking to me like I’d lost it. I couldn’t blame him.

I just nodded.

I watched as he walked to James’ door and knocked hard. The words behind the door were loud and annoyed. “PAUL, SERIOUSLY, LEAVE US THE FUCK ALONE!” It was James, voice, making my heart skip a beat. I’d missed that voice so much.

But Paul didn’t say a word, he just banged even harder. He didn’t finish banging when James opened the door wide. Behind him was a woman. What did I expect, for him to be home alone? Of course not, this was James, the ladies man. She sat on his bed, covered in his dark blue sheets. Her breasts were almost falling out as her long black hair wrapped around her neck, with some of it sticking to her cheeks. She was beautiful, like someone out of magazine.

“Paul, didn’t I fucking tell you when I’m with my girl to leave us alone?”

His girl?
As in…
girlfriend?

All thoughts left my head. He didn’t notice I was in the background. Perfect time to run away. But before I could escape my phone rang, freezing me to the spot.

Shit.

That’s when he looked at me. Blue-green eyes, a mixture of the sky and the deep sea, were looking at
me
. His expression was one of anger and…bewilderment. I couldn’t blame him. It had been weeks since I’d spoken to him, and here I was showing up right in the middle of him having sex, or whatever he was doing with his
girlfriend.

“Becca…?” he mumbled. This was one of the first times James didn’t have the words to say. He was stunned into silence.

Taking my eyes off of him, I saw the woman that was on the bed reach for her shirt and put it over her head. She then proceeded to put the rest of her clothes on. When she stood up I immediately envied her body. She was perfect everywhere; flat stomach, long legs, perfect, flawless face. She made her way to James and wrapped her arms around his waist from behind, which caused her long black hair to sway to the side.

“Everything alright, baby?” she asked. Damn even after sex she looked good. Not many people could pull that off. But as I looked back to James he was still staring at me. “James?”

That snapped him out of it. “Yes, sorry, everything’s fine.” He rubbed her hands that were around him. He then turned back to me. “This is my friend I was telling you about. Becca.”

She looked my way finally. She didn’t just look at me; she examined me, sizing me up, for what? I had no idea. Feeling the snot about to run from my nose, I brushed my hand across my face. The tears that were there a few minutes ago were turning into dry chest heaves.

I found my voice before I made a bigger fool of myself. “I’m...I'm sorry,” I muttered, looking toward the floor. “I tried to text and c-call you. I’ll come back tomorrow.”

I turned around, dropping the towel on the couch. As my hand reached for the doorknob, I heard James’ voice.

“Wait…”

I didn’t want to look behind me. I already felt like a fool. I should have known he would be busy if he didn’t answer the phone. In those few minutes I remembered the real reason I was there and the waterworks began again. Someone put their arms around me, pulling me to them.

“It’s okay, Becca,” I heard Paul say. Such a nice guy.

I heard footsteps getting closer to us, and then I heard the door open. “Okay, baby, call me in the morning. I have a shoot but I’ll be waiting for your call.” It was his girlfriend’s voice.

“Yeah, I’ll call,” James replied. I heard the smacker of a kiss and then the door closed.

My heart dropped. I wasn’t ready for my time with James, if there was even going to be any. Just then, the warm hands that were embracing me were replaced by a set of arms that I had grown to know well over the years. I didn’t hold back my feelings as I squeezed him,
hard.
All the emotions I had been holding in for the past six or so weeks were brought to the surface in that hug. The sobs and chest pounding all came out as he held me in his strong arms.

I knew deep inside that he was probably pissed at me, but at that moment it was like all that went out the window and we were just here, just as we used to be, him consoling me when times got rough. He didn’t know that this was the toughest for me.

But what I didn’t know was that this was what I had needed for a long time, something I had been trying to avoid, which was the dumbest thing I could‘ve done. This was home, even when my home was crumbling.

“Becca,” he whispered, his voice full of concern. “What’s wrong?”

Those two words started it all over again. The waves crashed in my chest, making everything that had happened real again. Everything was just taking pieces from me and I couldn’t get them back. I wanted to be a kid again, bouncing on my dad’s lap. I wanted to smile at stupid shit, well, because they were stupid and funny. I wanted my dad to be healthy again.

James was holding me tighter and my shoulders kept bouncing with everything that was pouring out of me. “You’re starting to freak me out,” James whispered. “Please tell me, what’s wrong?” He was worried about me. He had probably been worried about me for a while. I read it in his text messages, but I never responded to those ones, only the ones that I knew I could use a one-word answer to.

“Just…” I hiccupped.
“Hold me…please.”

At my request he held me tighter and we walked. I just followed him with my head buried against his chest. In a few seconds we were dipping onto his bed. Maybe if this were a different time, in a different situation, I would’ve minded sitting on this bed after what had just gone down, but right now, it was a comfort. It was James. I didn’t know how long I’d been crying for but it was starting to wipe me dry.

“Shhhhhh, babes, just sleep,” he cooed into my ear, petting my hair. He knew when he played with my hair I would fall asleep. At that, my eyes started to close.

james

In the darkness, I heard steady breathing coming from Becca. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t in a state of shock when I’d seen her in the living room. It’d been over a month since I’d had contact with her. I never considered those stupid one-word texts being contact. And now, all of a sudden, she was here, looking like a broken animal. Like one of those cats that would wait outside your door, purring for you to give them food. The purrs were cries for hunger. Her cry was…I hadn’t figured it out yet.

Carefully, I unwrapped her arms from around my chest, and gently placed her head on one of my pillows. The room was dark except for the faint glow from the full moon. I felt my chest was wet from her hair, which meant my whole bed was probably wet, but I was not going to wake her. Looking down at her wet body I saw that she still had her sneakers on, so as gently as I could I started to unlace her Converse. As I peeled one from her foot a few drops made their home on my bed. After I was done removing both her sneakers and socks I threw the socks in the hamper and glanced at the clock. The red numbers read 3:28am. Damn, she had been crying for well over two hours without a single word.

As I opened the door the light from the living room cast onto my face. My eyes burned from the brightness. After allowing my eyes to adjust I made my way to the kitchen. My mouth was dry and my body ached from being in an uncomfortable position for a long while. With my head in the fridge, I heard footsteps behind me. Reaching in, I grabbed a bottle of water and turned around. There was Paul, looking like he’d woken up from the jungle. His hair was sticking out in all different directions and his eyes were a little blood shot. If he looked that bad, I wondered how I looked, or worse, Becca.

“Hey, bro, you look beat,” I told him, sitting on one of the stools by the counter.

Joining me, he said, “Yeah, you could say that.” He ran his hands through his crazy hair, trying to tame it. He then nodded toward my bedroom door, asking, “How is she doing?”

“I wish I fuckin’ knew. She hasn’t said a word to me since we got in there.”

“She looked out of it, dude. Did you know she was coming?”

“Of course I didn’t know.” I should’ve picked up that phone call I got when Juliana came over, but other things were on my mind. “Did
you
know?”

“Really, dude? Of course I didn’t know.” He grabbed the water from my hands and took a sip. He tried to give it back to me but I passed. “What are you going to do?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, she’s probably here because of her boyfriend. Maybe he broke up with her, or they got into fight? Maybe she needs comfort from a friend.” He said “friend” in quotations with his fingers.

“I doubt he was that important to her,” I said, confused. That couldn’t be the reason she was here.

“Well, didn’t you say some shit about him not wanting her to talk to you? Then
bam
, all of a sudden she stops. I mean, it’s no coincidence, dude.”

He did have a point there. There were plenty of times Becca had told me that Grey didn’t want her talking to me, but for her to show up the way she did? There had to more to the story than just that. Right?

“Just think about it, dude. I’m going to bed. You should try to do the same.” He patted me on my shoulder and made his way to his room.