Feels Like Home (15 page)

Sitting this close to Ryan had her imagination going deliciously crazy. Even when they were young, he'd known how to turn her on. They were each other's first and they'd grown and learned together. Ryan knew exactly what she liked and what she didn't. Would it be different now that they were older and more experienced?

As she fantasised about being held in those muscular arms, surrendering herself to a man who knew what she wanted, she was startled to realise the object of her desire was talking to her.

‘Sorry, Ryan, I was miles away. What did you say?' Thank god it was dark so he couldn't see her face. She was sure it had turned beet red.

‘Can I ask you a question? You don't have to answer if you don't want to.'

‘Sure. Fire away.'

‘This guy, Zach, did you love him?'

‘I thought I did.'

‘Huh.'

She knew that tone. He was holding something back. ‘What?'

‘Nothing.'

‘Come on Ryan. You've clearly got something to say. Spit it out.'

‘I don't know. It's just, well, you don't seem too cut up about the break-up and I can't help but wonder…'

‘Wonder what?' Where was he going with this?

‘Why you agreed to marry him. I mean you loved me, at least you said you did. But when I asked you to be my wife, you said no. And yet this guy pops the question with some cheesy YouTube gimmick and you said yes immediately.'

‘I thought we'd sorted this out. I explained why —'

‘You did, and believe me I'm not trying to go back there, Jo, really. My timing was bad. We both made mistakes. What's done is done.'

‘So what's your point?'

He shrugged. ‘I guess I'm wondering what your motive was.'

‘My motive? What are you saying? Are you insinuating what I think you are? That I had some type of career motive, or…' She took her eyes off the road to look at him. ‘Oh. My. God. You think I'm a gold digger.'

‘Jo, watch out!'

She returned her eyes to the road to see another car coming right towards them. ‘Oh shit!' During her concentration lapse the car had begun to drift onto the wrong side of the road. She managed to swerve the car back to the right side just in time. ‘God, I'm so sorry. I could have killed us both.' Her hands were shaking so hard she could barely hold the steering wheel.

‘It's okay. We're both fine. I think maybe we should pull over for a bit, eh? There's a clearing up ahead, in front of the old school house. You can pull over there and take a minute to catch your breath.'

Jo nodded without speaking, her concentration now firmly focused on the road ahead. In less than a minute she saw the spot Ryan was talking about and pulled as far off the road as she could get.

Once she'd switched off the engine, Ryan reached over to clasp her still trembling hand. ‘Hey, it's okay.'

‘I'm so sorry,' she said. ‘I shouldn't have taken my eyes off the road. I just was so…I just couldn't believe you'd think those things about me. You know me, Ryan, maybe better than anyone else in the world.'

‘I don't know,' he said quietly. ‘I feel I don't really know you at all anymore. It's been a long time, Jo, and a lot has changed. For both of us.'

‘Underneath I'm still the same girl you fell in love with.'

‘Are you?' His voice was calm and measured. ‘Explain it to me, then. Explain to me how you came to be engaged to a man that you don't really love. A man that means so little to you that when you see a photo of him kissing another woman your main concern is how this will affect your career.'

Anger bubbled up inside her. Part of her wanted to tell him to get stuffed. What business was it of his? But she couldn't tolerate the idea of him thinking she was some talentless gold digger, sleeping her way to success.

‘I might not have loved Zach the way I should have but that doesn't mean I didn't care about him. I did. A lot, in fact. So much so that when he asked me to marry him so publicly I couldn't bear to see him humiliated and so I said yes, even though I wasn't sure about the idea.'

‘But surely you could have told him afterwards?'

She sighed. ‘Life's just not that simple for people in the public eye, Ryan. The whole thing took on a life of its own. There were magazine and TV interviews, a huge engagement party…'

‘So you just went along for the ride and let the poor chump think you were going to go through with it? Jesus, I almost feel sorry for him now.'

‘No! It wasn't like that. When he asked me I wasn't sure, but as time went on I decided why not? Zach and I had been together for a while; we were practically living together anyway. We had lots of fun, he made me laugh, you know? And I figured that was probably the best I could hope for.'

‘What do you mean by that?'

‘I knew I was never ever going to find anyone to totally fill my heart again. I loved Zach the best I could. I gave him everything I had left, but I never loved him the way I loved you.'

CHAPTER

14

After all these years these were the words he'd waited to hear. That she loved him, that no one else could replace him. A spark of hope ignited inside him. Maybe it was a the booze talking but he was starting to think there was a chance that things might still work out between them. The obstacles that had stood in their way yesterday seemed to be disappearing. She wasn't engaged. She didn't love someone else.

And she'd just admitted that she could never love anyone the way she loved him.

So she lived in New York. That could change, couldn't it? He squashed down the tiny seed of doubt that started to creep into his reasoning. Of course it could change. She was a writer. She could do that anywhere. It might take a bit of organisation, but it could be done.

Naturally, they would have to take things slowly. There was Ella to consider. But Jo would make a fantastic step-mum. He just knew the two of them would hit it off given some time.

Okay, back up a bit.

Thinking about Joey as the mother of his child was maybe taking things a bit too far. But maybe in time…

‘What are you thinking?' she asked.

‘I'm thinking about kissing you.'

‘Hold that thought,' she said. ‘There's something I need to do first.'

He watched as she opened the car window and then dug around in her pocket for something. After a second she pulled out her diamond engagement ring.

‘What are you doing?' he asked.

‘Reclaiming my life,' she said as she threw the ring out the window.

His mouth was on hers and it was as if the years had melted away. He was tender at first, teasing her with slow, gentle kisses that had her aching for more. His stubble gently grazed her chin and his strong, work-callused hands cradled her head, her hair tangled in his fingers. She couldn't help but think that Zach's carefully cultivated attractiveness was no match for Ryan's raw masculinity.

Ryan wanted her. There was no doubt about that. And the feeling was mutual. The desire she'd conjured up during her earlier fantasy returned with breathtaking urgency. She wanted to be closer to him, to press her body against his. She deepened the kiss, willing him to take the next step. Her need to have those strong hands move over her body was growing by the second.

His lips moved to her neck, brushing their way down to her collarbone and back up until they reached the tender skin behind her ear. Each ragged breath he took echoed in her ear, causing the heat between her thighs to intensify.

She groaned and slid her hand up under his t-shirt, and sucked in a breath of delight when she felt the ripple of well-defined muscle there. She let her hand wander over his taut belly and up over those magnificent pecs and back down again. All that physical farm labour was definitely paying off. Her hand came to rest at the top of his jeans.

This was sweet agony. She wanted his mouth on her breast, his hand —

‘Hey, hey…' He drew back from her. ‘Take it easy. If we're going to do this, let's take it slow.' He gently pushed the hair away from her face and planted a small kiss on her lips. ‘I don't want to rush into anything, Joey. We need to slow down and think about what we're doing.'

Oh god, he was going to back out. She wiggled her fingers beneath the waistband of his jeans. ‘What's to think about? I want you. You want me. We're both adults.'

He grabbed her hand and gently pulled it away. ‘Well for starters, if we're going to make love I don't think the Jeep is the most romantic location.'

She giggled. ‘I guess you're right. Why don't you come back to Yarrapinga with me? We can light the fire…' she put her hand back where it had been, this time pushing further down, ‘…and see what happens.'

He groaned appreciatively before once more removing her hand. ‘Okay. But I can't stay. You know that, right? I need to be home when Ella wakes up in the morning.'

She nodded as she turned the key to start the Jeep's ancient engine. ‘I understand.'

The last five kilometres seemed to go on forever. Neither of them spoke for a minute or two and then Ryan, obviously still plagued by thoughts of Zach, broke the silence. ‘So what did happen then? Why did you eventually decide you couldn't marry him?'

Jo hesitated. This was not the conversation she wanted to be having right now, but if she avoided the question it looked like she had something to hide. ‘He started to talk about kids,' she said. ‘He wanted to start a family right away.'

‘And you didn't want that? Surely you could have compromised a bit, got him to agree to wait a little while?'

Jo sighed. ‘I guess talking about raising a family together made me really think about what I was committing to, the gravity of what I was doing.'

‘So you didn't want to have kids with him? Is that what made you realise you didn't love him enough to marry him?'

‘I guess I always knew it on some level. The baby discussion just brought it all to a head.'

‘But you do want kids, right?'

Jo let out a long slow breath. Damn Ryan and his practical side. She was perfectly happy getting hot and heavy in the car, but his ‘let's slow down' routine was leading them down a path she didn't want to follow. But this was Ryan, and she couldn't lie. ‘No. I've thought about it a lot, believe me, and I don't want to be a parent.'

‘Wow. I have to say I'm kind of surprised. I always imagined you'd be eager to start a family.'

‘Really? Whatever gave you that idea?'

He shrugged. ‘I don't know. The way you mothered all the baby animals on your farm. And you were always envious of Steph and me. You were always complaining about your lack of siblings. Plus I remember us talking about having kids one day in the future.'

‘I was a kid back then. All that talk was just…I don't know…fantasy, play-acting. I guess back then I probably did think I would have kids one day. I thought that's what all grown-ups did. It didn't occur to me I would have a choice. But as I got older I realised that I didn't have to procreate. It wasn't, you know, mandatory. So I started to think maybe I wouldn't. God, Ryan, nobody knows better than you what a huge responsibility being a parent is. I just don't know that I'm cut out for that.'

He didn't respond.

‘Maybe we should change the subject?' she suggested. This conversation was definitely pouring cold water on the heat that they'd generated just minutes before.

‘Actually, you know what, Jo? I'm thinking maybe this isn't such a great idea.'

Her heart sank. ‘What do you mean?'

‘We sleep together, then what?'

‘We do it again?' she laughed, trying to lighten the darkness that seemed to be descending upon them.

‘I'm serious, Jo. Where can it possibly lead? You're going back to New York in a couple of weeks.'

‘Does it have to lead anywhere? We're adults, Ryan. We want each other. Why can't we just let ourselves enjoy the moment? Maybe make ourselves some nice memories to replace the hostile ones we've both been harbouring these past few years.'

‘A quick fuck for old times' sake? Really? Is that what you want?'

‘I wouldn't put it like that.'

‘Sex with no strings, then? Is that what you're suggesting?'

‘Well…yes. I guess so.'

He was quiet for a moment and Jo thought perhaps she had convinced him. Eventually he shook his head. ‘I'm sorry, Jo. I don't think I can do that. Not with you.'

‘But I thought —'

‘I'm sorry. I should never let things go as far as they did back there. I've had a few beers and my decision-making is probably not as good as it should be. Believe me, it's not because I don't want to. Right now I can think of nothing better than peeling off every piece of clothing you're wearing and making love to you all night.'

‘You can do that. What's standing in our way?'

‘The thing is Jo, you might be able to do this and walk away, but I don't think I can. There's too much history between us for that to work. You broke my heart once and I'm not willing to risk that happening a second time.'

He was right, of course. She knew that. It clearly wasn't a sensible choice. But sensible was overrated, dammit. She winced. Not in Ryan Galloway's world it wasn't. He was the most practical man she'd ever met. ‘Fine,' she said, sounding more pissed off than she'd intended. ‘I'll drive you home.'

‘Jo, please don't be angry. I just want us to be okay with each other. We agreed to be friends and that's all I can offer you. Please say we're good.'

‘Yes, yes, we're good.' As good as a person who was not getting the sex she had anticipated could be. ‘Look, I know you're right and I know it was probably a dumb idea. I guess I just got carried away in the moment.' She laughed a little to break the tension. ‘I guess you could say I've been going through a dry spell.'