Feels Like Home (13 page)

The guilt of deceiving her friend sat like a stone in Jo's stomach. It would be such a relief to get the truth out in the open, but no matter how much she longed to tell Steph about her break-up with Zach — and her unsettling feelings for Ryan — she couldn't. Not yet. A promise was a promise. Of course she trusted Steph, that went without saying. But over the last few years she'd learned a thing or two about life in the public eye. If Steph didn't know about the break-up she couldn't make an accidental faux pas. Besides, this was Steph's time to hog the limelight and she didn't want her mess of a life stealing even one tiny glint of that away.

‘Really, there's nothing to tell.'

Jenny playfully slapped her wrist. ‘Of course there is. Let's start with the date. Have you set one?'

Jo shook her head. ‘Umm, not yet.'

‘What about the dress?' Steph asked. ‘Ooh, are you going to get it made by one of those fancy designers like, I don't know, the one who did Kate Middleton's dress —'

‘Alexander McQueen,' said Dawn with an air of authority.

Jenny laughed. ‘How do you know that, Mum? Anyway, isn't Alexander McQueen dead?'

‘I read,' said Dawn, affecting an injured tone. ‘And anyway, I meant the fashion house, not the man.'

As the ladies continued to swap bits and pieces of celebrity gossip Jo began to think she'd escaped the interrogation. She watched with affection, and a little bit of envy, the way Dawn, Jenny and Steph teased each other. The love and respect between the three generations of women was obvious. Her heart was filled with happiness for her friend and gratitude for the way the Fielding family always included her as if she were one of them. But she had her own mother and on days like this she couldn't help but feel sorrow for the relationship they never had and, now, never could have.

If Katherine didn't have dementia, if she still had the full use of her faculties, what would their relationship be like now? Would things have changed? The few times her mother had visited New York she'd turned down Jo's invitation to stay in her apartment, choosing to stay uptown at the Waldorf instead. She'd visited the apartment only once, screwing up her nose at Jo's decorating style. ‘Daddy is perfectly happy to pay for some decent furniture, Johanna. I'm sure I've mentioned that before.'

‘I like my furniture just fine, thank you.'

‘If you say so,' Katherine sniffed.

She had been thrilled to lunch with Jo and Serena Collins, Jo's editor, though. Jo saw a whole other side of her mother that day — articulate, witty and charming. This was surely the Katherine that Daddy had fallen in love with all those years ago. She'd even managed to tell Serena that she and Jo's father were very pleased for Jo that her work would be published. It was the closest thing to a compliment Jo had ever received from her.

What would the real Katherine think of her now? Would she truly relish Jo's achievements or would she see her commercial success as selling out? Would she be thrilled or appalled that her daughter was engaged to a movie star? Would she be pleased or horrified to know that Jo had broken it off?

She suddenly became aware that Steph was trying to get her attention. ‘Sorry,' she said. ‘I was away with the fairies. What did you say?'

‘The boys are kicking on at the pub after the footy. I reckon we should leave the ladies to do the washing up…' she flashed a cheeky grin at Jenny, ‘…and join them. What do you think?'

The churning in her stomach ramped up. By boys Steph meant Nate and Ryan. How could she face him feeling like this? But Steph was looking at her with pleading eyes and she knew that a refusal would seem churlish. ‘Sure, why not?'

‘How are you getting there?' Jenny asked. ‘You've both been drinking.'

‘I've only had half a glass of bubbly,' Jo said. ‘I'm fine to drive. I promise I won't drink at the pub.'

‘Won't drink? What fun is that?' Steph protested.

‘Why don't you leave your car here, sweetheart?' Jenny said. ‘I'll get Mick to drive you into town and he can come get you both later.'

Stuck at the pub with no car? Not a good idea. ‘Oh no, that's really not necessary. I'm not much of a drinker these days anyway.'

‘If you're sure?'

Jo ignored Steph's dagger looks and nodded. ‘Of course. I'll make sure Steph gets home safely. Promise.'

‘Alright, off you go then. Have fun, you two, and make sure the rest of the bridal party don't get themselves into too much trouble.'

When Jo walked into the pub behind Steph, Ryan's breath caught in his throat. Every time he saw her unexpectedly he was struck by how beautiful she'd become. The pictures in the women's magazines didn't do her justice. He feigned disinterest in all the media coverage she received, but every now and then curiosity got the better of him and he sneaked a look at his mum's latest copy of
New Idea.
The woman on the page never looked like his Joey. In the pictures she was always plastered in make-up, with her hair in some god-awful unnatural ‘style'. And she always had the same stupid fake smile plastered on her face.

Tonight she was dressed in jeans and a simple white shirt. Sure, she still had the bloody enormous handbag — what the hell was she carrying around in that thing anyway? — and a pair of ridiculously high-heeled boots, but overall the look was fuss free. She looked more like the girl he used to know. As she walked towards the bar she was laughing at something Steph was saying. She tossed back her head and he remembered what it was like to watch that mane of wavy hair cascading over her bare shoulders as she moved above him.

He watched her notice him. Her eyes widened slightly and then her beautiful, natural smile disappeared and was replaced with her Hollywood one.

He downed the remainder of his beer in an effort to quell the sadness that abruptly engulfed him. He would never be over her, he could never have her, and now she couldn't even honestly look him in the eye. He raised his glass and nodded at the bartender. ‘Give us another one, Steve.'

‘Drowning your sorrows after the Lions' big loss, mate?'

‘Yeah, something like that.'

Jo watched as he turned his back and ordered another beer. He'd seen her, there was no doubt in her mind about that. Their eyes had locked for a millisecond before he turned away. So after everything that had passed between them these last few days, nothing had changed. They were back to forced civility in company. Except that something had changed. When she'd first clapped eyes on Ryan at the footy ground — was it only a week ago? — she'd felt anger and hostility. Now she felt like her heart was breaking in two.

Nate slid off his barstool and headed towards them. He embraced Steph, planting a kiss on her lips before turning his attention to Jo. ‘Hey Jo. Good to see you. Things have been so crazy busy around here that I haven't had the chance to catch up with you properly yet. Come here and give me a hug.' Before she could answer he enveloped her in a bear hug.

‘Good to see you too, Nate.' Her eyes pricked with tears of happiness for her friends and a tinge of sorrow for herself. Steph was so lucky. Nate was a great guy and he clearly adored Steph. It was obvious to the world that they were meant for each other. Their love was simple and honest and completely uncomplicated. Was it wrong to be a tiny bit envious of what they had?

She gave him a tight squeeze before pulling away.

‘What's wrong?' Nate asked. Obviously her eyes were still glassy.

She gave him her widest grin. ‘Nothing, you big oaf. You just about squeezed the life out of me.'

Nate returned the grin and socked her in the arm for good measure. ‘Let me get you a drink to make amends. What's your poison?'

‘Diet Coke, thanks.'

‘What? No bubbly? What about a wine or a beer? Or don't you drink beer anymore?'

She screwed up her nose. ‘Out of the habit, I guess. Haven't found an American beer I like.'

‘Well you won't find any sissy Yank beers here. Do you want a Crownie?'

‘Nah, honestly, Nate. Diet Coke. I'm driving.'

He nodded and headed to the bar. Ryan appeared to be engaged in conversation with the bloke sitting beside him and Steph had been set upon by a couple of local girls that Jo couldn't quite place. Steph caught her eye and beckoned her over but Jo shook her head and indicated she was headed to the bathroom.

Fortunately the Ladies was empty. Jo dug in her handbag for some lip gloss and took a moment at the mirror, freshening up her face while she mentally prepared herself to go back into the bar and face a man who turned her insides to jelly every time their eyes locked. A man she could never have.

The mirror revealed bags under her eyes. Was it any wonder? Between the jetlag and the emotional rollercoaster she seemed to be on she'd hardly had a decent night's sleep since she left New York. All this emotion and nostalgia was exhausting. Since she'd been home the slightest thing would set her off. Some days she felt like she was permanently misty eyed. Her New York friends would be horrified at all this sentimentality. Over there she had a reputation for being resilient and practical. The girl most likely to bounce back. The sooner this wedding was over and she could go back to her nice stable life the better.

Except she had no idea what that life would look like once her break-up with Zach became public. She still had her blog — for now at least — and her writing. Her third book was due out in the fall and her agent was currently negotiating the sale of the movie rights to the second book. This time Lydia was hoping to secure more creative control for her but in any case money wouldn't be a problem.

Her social circle would dwindle, there was no doubt about that. Most of her friends were Zach's friends and she knew that they would fall away once they heard the engagement was off. But her other friends — the ones that she'd made at NYU, when Zach Carlton was just a face on a poster and not a fixture in her life — would still be there for her. And she certainly wouldn't miss all the Hollywood-style social events that went along with being the partner of a famous actor.

She pinched her cheeks to get some colour into them, the way Nanna Dawn had taught her when she was just a little girl. Despite all the emotional turmoil brought on by being here, she would miss her Gully friends doubly when she went back to the States. Nobody knew her the way Steph and her family did. It was hard seeing Ryan, especially now that she'd realised she still harboured feelings for him. But she wasn't going to let that get in the way of spending time with her oldest mates.

A last lick of gloss, an extra-deep breath, and she was ready to face anything.

CHAPTER

12

Ryan downed another beer as he watched her leave the bar area. Goddammit, why did he have to feel like this? It had been years. Why the hell couldn't he just get over her?

All that crap he'd given her about being friends had been a total crock. He wasn't sure who he was trying to convince when he came up with that one, because the physical reaction he got every time he laid eyes on her should have alerted him to the fact that friendship would never be enough.

There'd been other women, of course. When Carly died he had gone on a bit of bender and done things that he'd rather not think about. Booze and god knows how many women. After a couple of months of putting up with him being a total arse, Bec had called him on his behaviour. ‘Ella's your child, not mine,' his sister-in-law had said. ‘I love her, but she needs her dad. You need to start acting like a father, Ryan, or you'll end up losing that little girl.'

It was the kick in the pants he needed. From that moment on Ella came first. He vowed that he would never bring a woman home unless he knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that she was worthy of Ella's love as well as his own. To date no one had fit the bill.

He'd had liaisons, of course. He was no monk. But they'd been discreet affairs, where no promises were made and none sought. It was enough. Or it had been until Joey rolled back into town.

Nate reclaimed the stool beside him. ‘Geez mate, steady on. I haven't seen you knock back the beers like that in ages.'

‘Settle down. I've only had a couple. Are you my mum now?'

Nate shrugged. ‘Don't want to have to carry you out of here, that's all. You're not thinking of driving are you?'

‘Give me a break. I'm not a total tool. Johnno's giving me a lift.'

Nate slapped on the shoulder. ‘You gonna be alright with…' He nodded his head towards the spot where Jo had been standing.

‘Yeah, course I will, mate. It's all sorted. Promise.'

‘Sweet. I'm getting a round. Do you want another beer?'

Ryan grinned. ‘Am I allowed, Mum?'

‘Give it a rest, would you? I take it that's a yes?'

Ryan nodded and swivelled around on his stool to look at the crowd while Nate ordered. It wasn't a bad turn-out, especially as the Lions had taken a beating this afternoon. He saw Jo coming towards the bar and couldn't help but notice the sea of heads turning in her wake. Male heads. Max Callahan stood up to deliberately block her path, and then grabbed her as if to dance. Ryan was on his feet and moving across the floor before he'd had a chance to think about what he was doing. Max twirled her around a couple of times and released her, laughing, so that she and Ryan were standing face to face.

‘Are you okay?'

‘Of course,' she said, still laughing. ‘Just having a bit of fun.'

He nodded. ‘Okay. Sometimes, Max can be a bit —'

‘Ryan, it's okay. You don't have to protect me. I can look after myself. I'm a New Yorker.'

She was smiling and he knew she'd meant it as a joke, but her words cut him to the quick. It was a reminder that they inhabited different worlds these days. She was an internationally famous writer engaged to some movie-star wanker and he was just a country hick.