Everything I Shouldn't / Everything I Need (24 page)

SarahBeth

T
onight is the concert David's been planning for all month. His friend Ray's in town to talk to a record label and he agreed to play at Drench while he was here. My brother also set it up so that Lyric is reviewing the band in Nashville Nights, the magazine she works for so they can get even more exposure. I'm here with Livvie, Emmett, Wyatt and Peyton, being the fifth wheel as always since no one can know about my guy. I feel guilty every time Livvie says something about me needing a man. I want to tell her about Jeremy and me, about the way things have been for the past few weeks, but I can't. I can't say anything to her when I won't tell my own brother.

I've been watching Jeremy all night, talking to the guys in the band and having a good time. The fact that other people, other
women
, can go up freely and speak to him makes me jealous, even though I know that the band's fiddle player is very happily married, something evident by the obvious bump under her shirt, but I still want to claw her eyes out when she puts and arm around him and tilts her head back to laugh at something he says.

The band moves backstage to get ready for tonight and I make excuses to Livvie and Wyatt about needing to go to the bathroom before I follow. When I get close, I can clearly see and hear the conversation going on between the guys.

"So, David's found himself a good one," Ray states. I hear Jeremy's voice answer with an absent yes before Ray asks him, "What about you, J? Are you whipped now too?" I hold my breath, waiting to see what he's going to say.

"Jeremy? Whipped?" says one of the band members with a laugh, clapping Jeremy on the shoulder. "No way! I bet he's still sticking his dick in anything that moves, he isn't going to settle down for awhile."

My pseudo boyfriend laughs with the rest of the group, looking decidedly uncomfortable with the conversation, but he doesn't contradict the band member's words. The conversation continues, but I can't hear anything else, the pounding of my heartbeat in my ears is louder than anything else. It's so stupid; I don't know why I'm so upset. Logically I know that he can't come right out and say "oh yeah I'm dating this girl but I can't tell you about it", and that is because of me. It's my decision and my insistence that forces his silence. I just don't like people thinking he's single. I don't want other women to think they can hit on him, or that he'd ever go home with them.

Evidently I make a sound because Jeremy's head snaps up and our eyes lock. His widen at whatever they see in mine and I turn to leave, not wanting to have a discussion with him tonight. I get to the door of the women's bathroom before he's there, behind me, his arm sliding around my waist and pulling me into him. I struggle instinctively, wanting to get away from whatever he's going to say and even though it's foolish, I want to scream for him to leave me alone, to not force me to talk about anything. I got enough of that when my parents died, the talking about how I can feel better, what I need to do to in order to feel better and I'm
tired.
So, so tired of talking about my feelings.

A sob catches in my throat at the feel of him against me and he pulls me into the bathroom, shutting the door behind us. I start to pull away from him but he pushes me up against the wall, taking my lips in an almost bruising kiss. I relax into him and as soon as I do, Jeremy pulls back to stare down at me.

"What the fuck was that?" he asks, his voice hard. The look in his eyes tells me that he's
pissed
and I know I need to step carefully.

I cringe further into the wall, trying to put space between us so that I can think. "What was
what
?" I don't really understand why he's the one who's pissed off.

"Why the
fuck
did you run away from me?" he growls, pushing in closer, crowding me into the wall so that I can't get away from him. I can't get any space and my every breath inhales the scent of his skin.

I close my eyes, trying to gain my composure and figure out what I'm going to say, but Jeremy shakes me just enough that I open them to look at him. "You didn't tell them they were wrong," I whisper, the pain in my voice unmistakable. That's really the crux of it all. We're supposed to be together, but instead, he treated this thing we're doing like it was nothing.

"And are they wrong?" he asks, his voice calmer, almost anxious sounding. When I only gape up at him, he shakes his head, looking away from me when he speaks again. "What are we SarahBeth? Are we together? Am I your boyfriend? Or are we just
fucking
?" It sounds so vulgar, the way he says it and I stare up at him in shock. What does he mean, what are we? I thought we were an us, that he was my boyfriend, and I never would have classified us any other way.

He's not touching me now, stepping back just enough to put space between us, he places his hands on the bathroom tile on either side of my head. His head is down and he's no longer looking at me. Jeremy looks dejected, like he's waiting for me to tell him that we aren't anything, much the way he told me just over a year ago. I know that I need to take the next step; I need to tell him that he's everything to me. He's everything I've ever wanted, even though he's everything I shouldn't have. It seems like the world is stacked against us, and I'm waiting for it to fall apart.

I reach up, putting a hand on either side of his face and pulling him down so that our lips are almost touching. "You shouldn't even have to ask me that, Jeremy. You are
everything
to me." I take a deep breath, telling him the only thing I can, the only thing he needs to hear from me, no matter how much saying it terrifies me. "Haven't you realized by now that I love you? I'm in love with you, I've been in love with you for as long as I can remember and I don't ever want anyone else."

Jeremy doesn't give me a chance to say anything else. His lips are on mine and he's got me pressed up against the wall by the time the last words leave my mouth. My last coherent thought before I get swept away in his touch is that we're lucky no one else is in here, because doing this, here in my brother's bar, is dangerous. I slide my hands up his chest to his shoulders before tangling my fingers in the short hair at the back of his neck. Jeremy growls low in his throat at my touch before grasping my hands and bringing them up above my head, holding both of mine in one of his.

Not being able to touch him just makes me more frantic to be closer to him. Using his other hand, he grips my waist, sliding me up the wall until I can wrap my legs around him. As soon as my hips lock around his waist, he pushes his erection into my core causing jolts of pleasure each time he pushes into me. We are wrapped around each other, Jeremy's tongue is in my mouth and his hands are covering my breasts. I'm wearing a thin white dress with bright pink polka dots that has a much lower neckline than I'm used to wearing and Jeremy's had his eyes on me all night. I love the way he looks at me, like he's unable to believe I'm his. And I am, I am
so
his.

We're so wrapped up in each other that neither of us notices the door opening until someone gasps. When I see who's standing behind Jeremy, my eyes widen and I struggle to get down. Jeremy turns to the newcomer as well, and his eyes are just as wide as mine as we both stare at
Lyric
. Her hand is covering her mouth and she's staring at us in horror, her eyes darting back and forth between the two of us and my crooked clothing.

She doesn't give either of us the chance to recover before she runs out the door, leaving us both staring at the door shutting behind her. "Oh God!" My voice is high, not quite screaming, but almost a shriek. "Oh my God, what are we going to do? She's going to tell David what's been going on and that will be the end of this." I begin to pace across the small bathroom, trying to put my thoughts together and calm myself down.

Jeremy tries to grab me on one of my rounds past him, but I push him away from me, so that I can see his face. He looks confused, trying to figure out why I'm pushing him away. "What?" he asks, his voice rough. He tries to pull me closer, but my hand on his chest keeps us apart that and allows me to think.

"What are we going to do, Jer? Lyric
knows
about us now! David's girlfriend telling him she caught us groping each other in a public bathroom is not the way I want him to find out about us. We have to stop her!" I look up at him; barely able to see through the tears I'm trying so hard to keep from falling. I put my hand to my head and shut my eyes as I say, as much to myself as to him, "How do we convince her not to tell?" My voice is frantic, and I feel like I'm losing my mind.

He grasps the top of my arms, pulling me to him forcefully, not giving me the chance to push him away this time. Laying his chin on the top of my head, he doesn't say anything at first. After thinking for a few minutes, he quietly asks, "Would David finding out be so terrible?" I can hear the question he isn't asking in his voice, and I wrap my arms around his waist.

"It's not that I don't
want
to tell him." He doesn't say anything, just stiffens further and I know I'm right. "Hey," I say, grabbing the back of his shirt and pulling him even closer to me. He only "mmmms" in response, and I take that as my cue to keep talking. "I want everyone to know about us. I just don't want David to freak out and disown us both. You know as well as I do, as overprotective as he is, he's going to lose it."

Jeremy sighs deeply, "You're right, baby. He is going to flip out when he finds out about us. But, it's going to be so much worse if he finds out before we can tell him. It would be better to just come clean now instead of waiting for Lyric to tell him what she saw. She's not going to keep it to herself and you know it."

"I can't Jeremy. I just, I can't go through this right now. We
have
to figure out a way to keep her from talking and then we can worry about telling David if that's what we're going to do." I'm trying to figure out a way to make Lyric stay quiet, so I don't notice how rigid Jeremy becomes at first. Suddenly, he's the one pushing me away, and when I look up in confusion, he's staring down at me, his eyes unreadable the way they were when he was dating Melanie or whenever he brought some random girl home.

I know him well enough that I can tell he's shutting down and shutting me out, worried about what's next. I know he hates the idea of hiding this from my brother, God knows he's told me that enough times. Stepping forward, I put my hand against his jaw and whisper, "I'm sorry. I know this isn't what you want." He jerks his head away from me, his jaw tight, and my heart clenches. When he turns back to face me, his eyes are hard, angry and so dark they are almost black.

Jeremy backs away from me, the look on his face equal parts tortured and pissed. I start to step towards him and he stops me with a shake of his head. "I...I...I need to think. We need some distance SarahBeth." He puts his hand up to stop any approach I make make. "I'll talk to you later." Then, he walks out, once again leaving
without
me and leaving me to figure out how to fix this mess alone.

Knowing I need to get back out to the main bar before something happens, I fix my makeup, wiping the ruined mascara from under my eyes and fixing both my lip gloss and my dress. Once I'm presentable again, I go back out to my friends who turn to stare at me, and notice immediately that something is wrong. I spend the rest of the night fielding questions from them about the change in my mood and watching Lyric and my brother, loving the fact that he's so obviously in love and loved by her, but hating her for being the unknown factor in my dilemma. I don't know if she's going to tell him what she saw, and I don't know what I'm going to do if she does.

When the band stops playing, the bar quickly empties out, leaving just me, my brother, Jeremy, Lyric and her friend Anna to wait for the band to break everything down. I keep trying to catch her eyes, to see if I can tell what she's going to do, because if she's going to tell my brother in front of everyone, I want to preempt her. She doesn't say anything to me, just almost indiscernibly shakes her head at my silent questions.

I sag in relief, but it's short-lived because after saying goodbye to first the band, then Anna, it's just my brother, his girlfriend, Jeremy and I. Lyric doesn't say anything, but my brother turns to me to ask, ""Are you coming home tonight?"

I can feel my face heat as I think about how Jeremy would made love to me tonight before everything got so screwed up."I'm going to meet Olivia at her house. I'm spending the night there." That wasn't really the plan, but I don't want to be at the house with my brother and his girlfriend just in case she decides to say something. I'd rather deal with all of this tomorrow.

David frowns, "Do you need me to drop you off?"

"I'll take her," Jeremy interjects, and gives me a stern look that says 'don't argue with me'.

David's brow furrows, "Are you guys arguing again?" We both practically shout "No!" and David's back stiffens and his eyes dark back and forth between the two of us. My heart is pounding, but Lyric pulls him into her to whisper something in his ear. His face lightens as he smiles down at her briefly before turning back to Jeremy and me. "I'll see you guys tomorrow then." He kisses the top of my head before clapping Jeremy on the shoulder as he walks by with her.

Placing a hand on the small of my back, Jeremy leads me out to where he's parked, opening the door and helping me inside before going over to the driver's side. When he sits, he doesn't immediately start the car. Taking a deep breath, he turns back to me. "I understand where you're coming from SarahBeth, but we really need to figure out how and when we're going to tell him. I'm not some young kid that doesn't care about sneaking around. If you're going to be mine, the whole fucking world is going to know about it. I'm a jealous guy, baby, and the fact that I can't claim you in public drives me crazy."

"Okay Jeremy. I promise, we will tell him soon. I just don't know how." My eyes fill with tears, a few spilling over, because all this stress is getting to me. I've loved Jeremy for my entire life in one way or another and I just know that when David finds out about us, he's going to forbid it. I don't want Jeremy to lose his friend, but losing him myself? That would kill me.