Everything Changes (35 page)

Months passed and I stayed in Shelton following
Parker’s recovery through Kurt and Justin. I stalked them, and the internet, in
hopes that I could be closer to Parker, a place I couldn’t be physically. And
though I didn’t deserve to know, they kept me updated.

I couldn’t walk away completely for the same
reason Parker didn’t walk away when he found out I was dating Sean.

I wanted to be there for him, but if Sean saw me
leave, he’d know
why
I was leaving. After I saw Parker in Washougal last
July, I told myself I wasn’t going to continue to put myself through it. The
night before his injury in Anaheim, I had a conversation with Kayla. She told
me they were together when we weren’t and it made me realize how childish we
were being. I wasn’t a pro ho and refused to be treated like some girl who was
just readily available, even though I was. How was it fair to him that I was
technically with another man when I wasn’t with him?

When I left the morning of the season opener and
he crashed, I felt guilty. Had he been distracted by me? I knew that could have
been the case, but I also knew his bike had sputtered
—
something
he had no control over.
 
I had told
myself it was over between us, so I thought. The reality was it could never be
over for us, not when the connection between us was so strong that we flew
hundreds of miles to see one another just for one night, holding out hope that
someday things would change.

Parker went through months of physical therapy,
sometimes ten hours a day, and he was told he would never ride professionally
again. I wasn’t so much a believer in that. The Parker O’Neil I knew wouldn’t
take that for an answer.

It was now mid-June, six months after Parker’s
wreck, and I was engaged to be married. I wanted to move on and finally do
something with my life.

Sean asked and I said yes. Sean was a nice guy,
he really was, and more importantly, our life together was stable. He didn’t have
to leave every few weeks for a race nor did he have other women throwing
themselves at him. We were normal. Our life was normal.

Inside, I was dying a little every day. Every
fiber of my being longed for Parker. My body longed for his hands that no matter
how much time had gone by. I missed the way he pulled me close, and whenever I
thought I couldn’t get any closer, he found a way to make me feel as though we
were one. I constantly found myself imagining that valley of red rocks and the
pale moonlight
—
a place
I knew, a place where I felt I was the only one for him. Most of all, it was
his smell that I searched for, the rich honey and cinnamon of him because it
was what I always remembered days after our departure from each other. Every
time I would think of him, it was almost as if I could literally smell Parker.

Now, all of that was replaced with someone that
wouldn’t hurt me. Sean.

The problem was I couldn’t give myself to Sean
completely. I’d agreed to marry him, but I hadn’t had sex with him. I couldn’t.
Not when my body, mind, soul, and heart belonged to Parker.

Sean seemed to understand but he did push the
issue a time or two, and we did come close more often than I would have liked.
He thought I was one of those girls who was saving herself for marriage, but
deep down, he knew that was a lie too because he knew I had been with Parker.
What kind of guy bought into that line of bullshit?

Well, Sean did.

July 9,
2002

I thought about Parker a lot. And for a girl who
was supposedly getting married, it didn’t seem healthy. But still, there I was,
committing myself to someone else.

I wondered how he was recovering, how he was
feeling, if he thought of me and who was with him. Was he with Kayla or some
other girl?

The thoughts made me crazy at times, and I had to
get away. Thankfully, work kept me busy. Then again, it wasn’t that great of a
distraction because I was constantly thinking about my time spent with Parker
in that shop.

It was a few weeks before the wedding. My dad
walked into the office where I was closing out estimates and filing purchase
orders. He leaned against my desk, his arms crossed over his chest. “Rowan, I
need you to get this paperwork started here. I’m gonna have a guy help us out
for about a month. We won’t make it through the summer without some help,
that’s for sure.”

Without looking up, I reached for the paperwork
while balancing about five files on my lap. “Sure.”

“You might want to look at that.” He nodded to
the file I tossed aside.

“I will, later. I’m supposed to meet Sean tonight
for dinner with his parents.”

“Rowan, you should take a look at that before
dinner.”

“Fine, Dad,” I snapped, reaching for it. “What is
so important that I
ca
—”

Closing my eyes, I felt the tears spill. He hired
Parker.

I knew about the wreck. I knew about the injury.
I knew about the physical therapy. I knew about the recovery and the
announcement that at twenty-one, in the peak of his career, Parker’s racing
career was over. He would never again throw a leg over a bike professionally.

What I wasn’t expecting was for him to come back
home. When he was living in Anaheim, I thought for sure he’d stay there. He had
a life there. Why would he come back to a small town when he was no longer
small town? He was Parker O’Neil, nine time Supercross/Motocross champion. What
could possibly draw him here again?

Me.

“You didn’t think he’d give you up that easily,
did you, sweetie?” my dad asked, attempting to comfort me by rubbing my back.

“I know…it’s just that…I can’t be what he needs.
Now, with Sean…” I sighed, feeling tears surfacing. “Dad, how could you hire
him?”

“What was I supposed to do, Ro? He was the best
mechanic I’ve ever had, and he needed a favor.”

“A favor?”

“Yes...” he gave me a nod “...a favor.”

“And what was that?”

“Ah, honey, you’re my daughter but I can’t tell
you that. Let’s just say I gave him an opportunity. It’s up to him to do the
rest.”

He left me wondering. I think he was spending too
much time with my mom and her cryptic language because ever since Parker’s
accident, my dad was just acting as strange.

Sean showed up after that to take me to his
parent’s house in Montesano. As we were walking out of the shop, a familiar
voice caught my attention in the shop.

Parker. He stood leaning against a Mustang
talking to Ben and Joey. As he leaned against the car, he looked different:
older, worn, skinner. He still looked good with the same shock of chocolate
brown hair
—
only it
was shorter now, buzzed close to his head
—
and tan skin, but he looked as though he’d been
through hell. Knowing everything he’d gone through, it was justified.

Still not knowing I was there, he let out a laugh
at something Ben rattled off.

My heart sputtered, as did my footing, and I
tripped over an air hose. Sean, who had walked in behind me, helped me up
before Joey laughed.

“It’s been a few months since your last fall in
here,” Joey teased, his dingy overalls pulled down to his waist revealing his
white t-shirt that was covered in coffee stains because he could never get
anything into his loud obnoxious mouth without spilling it on himself. “I was
beginning to think maybe getting engaged had mellowed you out.”

I hated Joey with
every fiber of my being at that moment because Parker had heard him.

Parker’s eyes shot up to mine, both confused and
reassured that I was there, but they also held something else.
 

“Hey, Parker,” I said, greeting him.

He smiled softly but the action didn’t touch his
eyes. It was more of a reflex, forced. He didn’t say anything before turning
back to Ben to continue their conversation.

I felt my heart in my throat when he turned
around without saying anything. I knew me never calling and what happened in
Anaheim was still on his mind.

“Hey, Ro,” Sean said, leaning into me, his eyes
on Parker who had turned around again. He squinted as if trying to make out the
scene in front of him. “I need to go call my parent’s and have them meet us at
the restaurant.” He reached out and wrapped his arm around my shoulder,
crouching to look into my eyes. “Meet me in the car?”

“All right, I just need to lock the office,” I said
to Sean, hands shaking, my eyes shifting towards Parker and then Ben who just
smiled. I offered Joey a glare.

I wasn’t gone for more than a minute when I
smelled the honey and cinnamon I loved. The pull to him was just as strong. My
body felt like it’d been shocked with the way my nerves jumped.

“You’re marrying him?” His voice was sharp and
accusing.

“I uh...Parker, I...” I turned to face him
“...I’m…” My breath came out in a gasp when I saw how close he was now.

Shit.

“I never meant to hurt you.” It was all I could
think to say. I never meant to hurt him, I didn’t.

His cold eyes, eyes I didn’t know, glowered in
the dark hallway. “Don’t worry about it. Message received loud and clear.” He
turned sharply on his heal and walked away. “You made your decision it sounds
like. I’m fine by the way. Thanks for checking on me in the hospital!”

Yep, felt like an ass.

“It’s not like that!” I yelled after him, feeling
like a complete loser.

He threw his hand up still walking away.

“No, actually it is,” he barked over his
shoulder.

It had been a while since I’d since Parker angry.
I quickly remembered how much I hated that side, but it was the first time I’d
warranted the reaction.

I was hardly in any condition to have dinner with
Sean’s parents that night, so being the complete bitch I was these days, I
faked the stomach flu and drove myself home from Montesano, leaving Sean there.
I didn’t exactly leave him. He was supposed to go away for the weekend with his
dad as some sort of father/son bonding thing before the wedding.

On the drive home, I thought of nothing but
Parker and our entire situation. I was pissed at my dad, Joey, Sean, Parker,
and myself most of all. All these years I had been so stupid about the
situation. I had the power to change it. I had the power to do the right thing
but I never did.

I didn’t know where else to go, so I drove out to
the same spot out by the mill I always went to find refuge and maybe an answer
to any of this. I found neither.

What I did find was one the one person who didn’t
want to see me. Parker.

“What are you doing here?” a familiar cold voice
asked when I sat down beside him on the bed of his truck. Deep down, I think my
mind knew he’d be up here and she took me there.

“I wanted you to hear me.” It was the only thing
I could think to say to him right then. “You weren’t listening.”

“Oh, I think I got the gist of it.” He snorted,
annoyed. “You’re marrying another man,” he said, bringing a beer to his lips.
He never drank. Now there appeared to be about six empty bottles at his feet.
He tossed the one in his hand to the dirt and cracked another open. “Pretty
much a deal breaker right there, don’t you think?”

“Is that why you came back?”

He let out a dark laugh. “Yeah, Rowan, I came
back to see the love of my life and the only thing that got me through the
worst time in my life is now with someone else. Welcome home.” He chucked the
bottle towards a tree. It shattered on impact. “Goddamn it, how could you? You
knew how I felt! You just…and you never came?”

“I told you, Parker, I couldn’t!” I yelled back,
hating that our first conversation together was arguing. “I couldn’t leave. I
couldn’t keep doing this with you and then being left wondering where I stood
in your life or if I did. I told you that in Anaheim.”

“You know, that’s the fucking problem, Ro.” His
voice broke and I didn’t dare look at him, knowing he was feeling the heaviness
surrounding this. “I never once asked you to leave but you always did. You left
me over and over again.” His hand came up to find his hair, tugging. “How
obvious did I have to make myself?”

After five years, the truth was finally coming
out. Both of us now had tears streaming down our heated cheeks.

“Parker, if I would have stayed with you, how do
you honestly think it would have ended for us?” I reached for the beer he just
took out. “I think you’ve had enough.”

“You don’t know how it would have ended because
you never gave me a chance to do right by you.” His body swayed as he yanked
the bottle back. Raising the back of his hand, he quickly brushed it over his
cheeks. “You don’t get to decide when I’ve had enough anymore, and I was right
there in front of you. All this time, but you never fucking saw me. You saw
what you wanted too.”

“I saw all right, Parker. I saw you walk away
from me after...” I couldn’t even say it.