Everything Changes (30 page)

I could see this lifestyle was slowly changing
him in ways I hated. When I looked into his eyes, I saw stress where I once say
a bright eyed boy living his dream. Maybe it was that he was thick in a
championship battle or maybe it was us. Could it be that our situation was just
as stressful on him as it was on me?

“You and I both know that won’t work,” I said,
hiding my face in his neck. My breath caught as he rocked against me, harsh
breathing and slow moans controlled me for a moment. “I have a job back home.”

“Well...” He sat propping himself up with his
elbows, his brow furrowing, but he kept his movements slow. He was silent for a
moment, too silent, staring back at me almost as if he was waiting for me to
say more. “I guess that’s your answer then.”

My gaze dropped from his, losing the battle,
wilting under the burn of his eyes, and I knew the discussion was over as it
always was. I could have stayed but then what would I have been? I would have
been that girl I said I wouldn’t be. I didn’t want to be the girl that followed
a boy around living his dream and giving up everything I ever wanted. But then again…I
was that girl whether I wanted to admit it or not.

It didn’t stop him from taking another little
piece of me with him as he headed towards round twelve in Delmont and I headed
back home.

I forced smiles and conversations around me,
anything to avoid the reality of the situation. I was angry for what we had
become but every time that phone rang, I answered it.

September
16, 1998

By September, I had made the decision to skip out
on college and work for my dad. My mom seemed to be requiring more of his
attention and the shop needed me. I wasn’t about to let them down too.

All this resulted in more time spent with Sean,
since he worked there, and less with Parker. He won the Motocross championship
with his perfect season. That meant he was heading to Australia to race in
their Supercross series.

Just when I expected I wouldn’t get another call
for months, he called.

“Rowan?” the familiar velvet voice asked.

“Yeah?”

“Can you get away?” he asked, seeming more
cheerful than he had the last time I spoke to him. “I’m heading to Moab for the
week and well, I want you there with me.”

“Who else is going?”

“Just me,” he answered.

Starring off into the shop, I saw Sean through
the glass looking back at me. We had a date tonight. A date that would end the
same as all the others did, me leaving and him hanging on to something that
would never be.

“Yeah, I’ll come with you,” I told Parker and
once again blew off Sean.

I knew I was being an idiot. Jesus Christ was I
ever. I led Sean on back home, thinking I could be what he needed and then
running to Parker any time he called.

It wasn’t fair to anyone involved. But with
Parker, we attached ourselves to each other in ways we shouldn’t have, but we
tried like hell to feel what we did that summer, both for different reasons.

Once I was in Moab with Parker, he confessed why
he seemed different the last time I saw him. He was getting a lot of pressure
from his sponsor to win, and though he placed third in the 125cc
Lites
Supercross championship and won the outdoor Motocross
series with the perfect season, they wanted a repeat.

“I feel like nothing is ever good enough for
them. Like no matter how much of myself I give, it’s never enough.” His hair
fell into his face, water drops slid down his nose and cheeks.

“But it’s what you love to do, right?” I asked,
pulling my towel up over my shoulders.

Under the moonlight, we talked, we confessed, and
we loved.

“You know,” he began as we sat by the pool
kicking in the water much like we had done last year. “I built these barriers
up saying that I would never make it, that I’d never have the opportunity to be
on top because let’s face it, as an amateur I was overlooked a lot just because
I wasn’t the most aggressive rider. Then an opportunity presents itself and a
way inside opens up.” He looked at me, an anxious glow to his eyes. “Then
what?”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t know what I mean.” He sighed, leaning
back on the concrete to look up at the sky. A smattering of stars scattered
through the black sky. “I don’t ride for the money. I do it to prove that I
can, but when is that enough? Is there ever a point when I’ll be content with
proving myself?”

I thought about his question for a minute and
deliberated how much of it had to do with riding and how much of it had to do
with proving himself to his dead father.

“I think only you can answer that, Parker.”

Parker saw himself as a rider that had to work
harder than everyone else because that’s the way he was raised. Nothing he did
was ever good enough for Jeremy, his dad, and in truth, Parker never let go of
that. It affected him whether he intended it to or not.

The mood changed after that, and Parker laughed,
pointing to the hills. “Do you remember that spot over there?”

A grin crept over me, my tummy giving me a
tickle. “How could I not?”

“I came here in June with Wesley and Nate,” he
said, rolling to the side, his hands finding my waist. “We rode past our spot
and I took a picture of it,” he admitted. “It’s in my wallet.”

“That’s probably the cheesiest thing you’ve ever
done.” I was trying to be cute. His fingers dug into my skin threatening a
tickle.

“Oh.” His eyes sparkled as he teased. “So
stealing my sweatshirts and having a box full of newspaper clippings is
better?”

I glared. “I’m gonna kill
Addy
!”

Parker laughed. “I have to get my dirt
somewhere.”

And that remark scared me. “How often does
Addy
give you dirt on me?”

And that look he gave me right then confirmed it.
Addy
told him more than I wanted him to know. “Not
often…but I wanted to know that you were okay.”

“And she told you?”

He swallowed hard before leaning in to press his
lips to my forehead. “She said that you were dealing with it about as well as I
was.”

I would love to say we talked more, but we
didn’t. It was left like that, changing again. I was leaving and he was in heading
to Australia for three weeks.

Every time I left, it felt like it was the first
time all over again when he took me back to the front of the shop.

I found it necessary to eat a pint of ice cream
with my mom each time I returned. Not that it made it any better, but at least
it was comforting in a sense.

After a week in Moab, Parker had to know about
Sean. I was almost certain Justin would have said something since he saw us
together. But when I was with Parker, he never said anything.

Parker went on to race another season in
Supercross the following year. We continued the running towards each other
every now and then, but it eventually tapered off.

CHAPTER
16

Rowan
Jensen

Kicker

A kicker is a short jump that has a sharp angle
to the ground on the launch. Kicker jumps are notorious for bucking riders of
the bars.

May 13,
1999

After Parker’s first 125cc
Lites
Supercross Championship win, he called and asked that Justin,
Addy
, and I fly to Nevada where he and his team were
celebrating for the week. We did and ended up renting a house boat on Lake
Mohave.

It was times like that when I was with him that I
felt like his girl. Sure, there were girls all around us, tons actually, skinny
ones, tan ones, ones that had better bodies and made me look way too average,
but when I was there, I was his only. He made me feel that way.

With the summer heat, coconut tanning oil, and
shy glances I remembered and loved, I was his, if only for a few weeks.

I got drunk for the first time with Parker that
weekend, something I never did these days.

Parker got drunk too, and that’s when we finally
talked. We were alone up on the top of the boat. The party below us was in full
swing, the sun setting in the distance. With beers in hand, we finally talked.

“I wait for your call,” I told him, wanting to
shut myself up but also wanting to get it off my chest and out of my heart. “I
sit and I wait for everything to change, so I can run back to you, be with you
like I’m the only one.”

“You are the only one.” His glossy eyes closed
and shadows danced over sun kissed cheeks. “I know how you feel. I know because
I live for the moment I hear your voice when you answer…and everything changes
for me. I live for the hello.”

Right then, in those familiar arms, I had no
worries. There was a perfectly good reason why we did this. We did this because
that was what we did to feel. We didn’t worry about what was waiting after our
time was up. Instead, we were there on a houseboat living for the time we had
before everything changed.

Before I left that week, he said something to me
that really hit home. “I’m being stupid about this, aren’t I?”

I didn’t answer because I was acting just as bad.

He sighed, his head resting against mine. “I know
I am. One day you won’t be there waiting for me to get my shit together, will
you?”

The shitty thing was I couldn’t answer him
because I would be there. I was there waiting to go head first over the bars
anytime he wanted, and I hated myself for it.

Parker and I existed in this very fragile little
world that was only ours, and at times it was strange that no one else knew
about it.

There were times when I was away from him and I
would forget what it was really like between us. It was like I was trying to
block the memory should he not call again.

My memories of him were dreamy and sweet and
mine. Then I was with him and his presence would take over. When I looked into
his eyes, that sweet, shy smile suffocated me and made my blood rush to my face
when he touched it. That was when I would remember and over the bars I went. No
would ever make me feel the way he did, completely aware, completely alive,
over the bars in love with him.

When he looked at me, he looked so far inside of
me, farther than anyone else ever had. He was the only one that saw me for me.

September
3, 1999

When I wasn’t with Parker, Sean and I got closer,
but not as close as he would have wanted.
Addy
and
Justin were engaged by Christmas last year, and before I knew it, I was helping
my best friend plan a wedding.

The problem with Justin and
Addy
getting married in September was that Parker would be coming back home for the
first time in two years after the outdoor Motocross season ended. A lot had
changed around here in the last few years. We may have avoided talking about us
when we were together, but that was easy. We were away from it all and the only
thing that mattered was we were together. Having him here, it wouldn’t be as
easy to avoid the reality of what was happening.

Addy
brought it up a few days before the wedding when we were dress shopping the
morning Parker was set to arrive.

“Does Sean know about Parker?”
Addy
asked, slipping into her wedding gown. She looked
beautiful but her question had my heart pounding.

“No…I’m not sleeping with Sean though.”

“But you’re sleeping with Parker?”

“It’s complicated.”

“Apparently.” She smiled and went back to her
wedding planning, but then she stopped and faced me again. “You’re hurting him,
you know that right?”

“Who, Sean?”

“No, yes...”
Addy
rolled her eyes, unzipping her dress to put her clothes back on. “I mean with
Parker.”

“What are you talking about?” I was trying to
play it cool, but I knew she and Parker talked. He indicated that in Moab.

Addy
sighed
and turned back to me once she was dressed. “Ro, Parker is so in love with you
it’s pathetic. He hangs on everything you say and do…but he can’t for the life
of him make a move to show you. Why don’t you do it? Tell him. Stop whatever
this is with Sean and give Parker the chance to do right by you.”

I glared, feeling my cheeks burn.

“Just think about it.”
Addy
reached out to touch my cheek. “Give him the chance at least.”

Addy
knew
me well enough to just leave that fire smoking, and we parted ways.

Later that afternoon, we all gathered at the shop
planning the bachelor and bachelorette parties for the evening when Parker
arrived with Kurt.

Good-natured ribbing, pats to the back, and
cheering rung out around us as the boys welcomed home a superstar. Though I
usually avoided the lifestyle surrounding him, I knew he was huge in the
Supercross and Motocross scene, having won both championships last year. But my
time spent with him was behind closed doors. Now, out in the open, our friends
understood a hometown boy was emerging into a legendary rider.