Everything Changes (32 page)

“Thank you.” I breathed easy, knowing she’d been
watching the 2000 Supercross season. She was keeping up with what I was doing.
That scared me and excited me in the same way it always had.

“I miss you,” she said, mirroring my thoughts. It
wasn’t over for her, and I knew it right then. She may have been avoiding me
until now, but it wasn’t over.

Feelings and memories rushed to the surface. Her
skin, her smile, her scent overwhelmed me. “Can I see you tonight?”

I knew it was short notice, but I held out hope
that she knew the Motocross schedule and knew I was in town. “I’m actually in
near Washougal in Vancouver right now,” was her soft reply.

She knew the schedule, my heart nearly exploded.
She drove all the way down here for me.

“I’ll come to you,” I said, ready to run to her,
but then it dawned on me that she was with Sean or maybe she wasn’t. “Are you
with him?”

“No.” Her reply held a certain amount of pain
that couldn’t be mistaken. She knew it bothered me. “He’s not here.”

I wasn’t going to ask questions. It had been over
a year now since I saw her. I was also leaving for Australia for the Australian
Motocross series at the end of this season. It was now or another year. As much
as I didn’t want to run to her, I did. She moved on. She didn’t wait for me,
but I had to know. I had to feel what we had back then.

We met up at her hotel in Vancouver after my last
hospitality event for Red Bull and Yamaha.

When I entered her room, she was standing on the
balcony dressed in a light summer dress
—
the one I bought her when we were in Moab last
year. The wind was blowing softly through her long brown hair, her coconut
smell flowing towards me. Stepping inside, she heard the door close. A smile,
that smile, called to me.

Her voice was soft. “Hey.”

Mine wasn’t there.

Rowan’s hands slipped over my shoulders,
familiar, yet different. We were older but the same confusion was there. We
wanted each other, but life got in the way: dreams, responsibilities, past
mistakes, the past in general. Everything changed. I wasn’t sure why, but it
did, and I was in her arms again wishing she would see me for me and not let it
change.

My hands roamed where I hoped no other man had
been, knowing I should have never given another man the chance.

Laying her on the bed, I yanked away my clothing
wanting that familiar closeness. Was it wrong to fall into this again? Was it
wrong to want any part of her, whatever she would give me?

Yes.

All of it was wrong, but I had to feel.
Surrounded by the pain, I couldn’t take not having her. She found me, she knew
me, she loved me in her own way, never judging, always seeing what I couldn’t
say or do.

Legs spread, bodies tangled, our clothes were
carelessly discarded. My knee came up just as we hit the bed in a depraved
sense of belonging. My soul and my heart was laid bare for her but once again.
Everything remained unspoken, unclear.

My hands grasped, needed, moved, tugged, and gave
way.

“Parker,” she moaned into my mouth.

My body screamed in approval. Entering her, I
knew then I was still the only one. Something told me. Her movements, her
gasps, her eagerness told me it’d been just as long. Reeling at the thought, my
hips moved on their own, pounding into her.

Grasping my shoulders, Rowan moaned again.
“Faster, Parker, please!”

I couldn’t deny her, though my body had other
ideas and wanted to slow this down knowing this may be the last time.

Would she be there when I called next? Would she
return to him?

My orgasm was nearly there. I fought hard not
wanting my time to end with her. I knew the moment I pulled out, things
changed. At least when we were like this, I held out hope, claiming something
that was mine for tonight anyways.

“You feel so good.” I grunted as my movements
sped on their own volition, needing the release.

She tightened her embrace, wrapped her legs
around my waist, and I lost all sense of existence.

Despite my wants and desires, just like the times
before, she was gone in the morning and I was left waiting on a call that
wouldn’t come, a decision that wouldn’t be made. A choice only she had. A power
only she possessed.

I would have given anything at the real
possibility that what we had was real and that she felt what I felt. That it
wasn’t just my imagination. I’d remained true to her, having never needed
anything more than what she provided. The truth was I needed more, but I needed
it from her.

Over the last year, I had planned everything I’d
say to her given the chance but my words failed me when I heard the hotel door
close behind her around three that morning.

She left. Again. But it was different that time.

Back at the race, my focus and attention for my
job just wasn’t there.

I tried so many times to ask her to stay, so
many, but she left every time, and I didn’t stop her. And every night I
wondered whose arms she was in. Part of me knew and that was worse.

My life over the past five years had been the
same. I practiced and tried not to call. I worked out and tried not to call. I
raced, felt the adrenaline, the passion I held for the sport, and then I called
wanting what I felt on the track with her. I had that with Ro. For the first
time off the track, I felt parts of myself I only ever felt on a bike. I tried
to live a normal life of a pro-rider like the other guys in the series. I tried
to be that playboy they all were, but that wasn’t me. I took girls home and
could never follow through with it. After a while word got out I could never
close the deal with them and they eventually gave up on me, and essentially
that was what I wanted. I didn’t want that attention from those girls. I wanted
it from Ro.

I felt like I had spent years, in which I had,
waiting for her to see that I wanted her, only for her to constantly ignore it.
I tried to tell myself to let her go and that if she really wanted to be with
me she would stay, but I couldn’t for the life of me not call her, all the
while telling myself if she didn’t stay with me, it’d be the last time I
called.

The days blurred from one to the next, days
turned into weeks, weeks into months, and eventually, months into years. Our
visits got less frequent, but they were still there, neither one of us willing
to let go of what it was between us.

CHAPTER
18

Rowan
Jensen

Banging Bars

Banging bars is a reference
made when two riders are having a close battle for position where their bars
may bang together.

January
5, 2002

Parker and I hadn’t seen each other in a few
months when he called in January and asked that I come to the season opener in
Anaheim. So I did. It didn’t matter how time had passed, I always craved more.

Every time I said I wouldn’t go, and the instant
I heard his voice, I went.

Only this time I intended to tell him that we
couldn’t keep this up. At some point I had to put an end to it or I would
constantly be living my life around his phone calls.

I started taking night classes to becoming a
massage therapist and scheduled it around working at the shop. It was going
good. I was moving forward to a certain extent. The thought of never doing
anything with my life besides waiting around for Parker to call was making me
sick. I could feel the anxiety building in my chest, and I had to do something
about it before it took over completely.

I was still seeing Sean when I wasn’t with
Parker, and it tore me apart inside. Though I hadn’t slept with Sean, it still
felt wrong to me.

So I flew to Anaheim where Parker and I spent
three days together before his race on Saturday night. As always they were the
best three days of my life. I kept telling myself that I would tell him,
explain to him that I couldn’t do this and how angry I was that I still
subjected myself to it…but I didn’t.

While I intending on telling him we couldn’t keep
this up, the opportunity never came. I found myself at the Edison International
Field the day of the race, and I still hadn’t said anything. I couldn’t.

That was when Kayla decided to get involved.
Every race Kayla was there, and every time she fed me lies and tried to make me
believe I was just another girl Parker called. And maybe I was. I really had no
way of knowing because still, four years later, we were doing the same shit to
each other.

“I see you’re back…” Kayla said when I was by the
merchandise booths picking out a few T-shirts for Bryce.

“Nice to see you too, Kayla.” I took the change
from the lady at the Yamaha trailer and the bag with my shirts in it. Turning
around, Kayla met me with another one of her fake smiles.

I couldn’t believe that Parker of all people
could stand to be around a girl like her.

“It’s a shame he keeps calling you when he
doesn’t realize you’ve moved on. You know that it’ll break his heart…or already
has.” Her smile was impious and I knew then what she was implying.

Kayla knew about Sean. I didn’t answer and she
was confident that she was right about our situation. I gasped for air. My
throat hurt but my eyes stayed dry. I wouldn’t cry in front of Kayla.

“It wasn’t your place to tell him, Kayla.” I
could feel the blood in my face rising to the surface, my ears throbbing. “I was
going to tell him.”

“Sure you were.” She wasn’t smiling anymore. In
fact, she looked a little bleak. “I know exactly what you were going to do. You
were going to come into town like you do every time, have your fun, and then
leave and return to the life you have without the superstar.” Kayla’s eyes
scanned down my casual attire of a simple summer dress Parker had given to me
two years ago. “You don’t honestly think he waits around for you to come, do
you?”

“How do you even know about Sean?” I glanced around
to see where Kurt had disappeared to. Usually he was beside me at these races
when Parker wasn’t, strict orders from Parker.

“It wasn’t hard to find out.” Kayla stepped
closer trying to appear like we were friends to anyone that was watching. Her
breath blew across my face. “Parker knows about him and he knows that you’re
still with him. He only called so he could have a little fun with a girl who is
supposedly taken.”

Nothing she said made any sense to me, and I knew
enough about Kayla over the years to know that she fed me lie after lie. I
would be lying if I said that it didn’t hurt though. She knew exactly what to
say to make me question his motives.

Maybe I was naïve about our situation and what
exactly I was to Parker. I would be the first to admit it to anyone that asked.
When I looked at our situation from their eyes, or even Kayla’s, it was easy to
see that this relationship between us wasn’t healthy and in the end one of us
was going to get hurt.

I snatched my bag closer, wanting to head back to
where I knew Parker was, but she wasn’t going to let me.

“Rowan...” she stepped in front of me “...you and
I both know what you are to Parker O’Neil,” she said, clipping the words.

“Fuck you, Kayla.” It felt good to say that to
her, and I was at my breaking point with her and finally stood up for myself.
“You don’t know anything about Parker.”

“Oh please.” She sniffed delicately and looked
away. “I’m with him nearly twenty-four hours a day. I know plenty. I know that
every time he calls you that you come running like the booty call you are.”

“I don’t see you in his bed, so obviously I know
more than you do.” I hated what she implied and worst of all I hated that she
was right. I was a booty call. My anger got the best of me, my grip on my bag
tightening. “And still…you’re here waiting for him and he still calls me. That
should tell you something about what
you
provide him.”

“Keep telling yourself that, honey.” Then she
laughed, harsh and humorless. It made me feel even more naïve and young,
exactly what I was.

I wanted to punch her in the face for saying
that, but I didn’t. Instead my focus was on Parker as he approached us with
Collin close beside him. I couldn’t breathe knowing he finally knew the truth
about Sean; his expression told me so.

He gave a quick jerk of his head and waved me
over with his hand. I walked towards him and Kayla followed, but when Parker
and I went inside the Yamaha hauler, she stayed outside under the tent.

Parker stood there dressed in his riding gear
having just finished his heat race. “Don’t lie to me.” His words were spoken
with such hatred that I wasn’t certain I had ever heard him use that tone with
me. He turned to look at me. “Are you still seeing him?”

I swallowed trying to find the courage to be
honest with him. He deserved me being honest with him about the life I had when
he wasn’t around. “Yes.”

I tried to move towards him, but he wasn’t having
it. He held up his hands.

Parker pushed away from me, his eyes squeezing
shut tightly, his mouth opening as he gasped for air. I wasn’t letting him go,
not that easy, and I clung to him, pathetic in my neediness, but I couldn’t
help it. I gripped his shoulders with my hands and tried to make him look at
me.