Everything Changes (39 page)

“I think eventually I may have, but I can’t say
for sure. It wasn’t our relationship that was the problem. It was the
lifestyle. I didn’t want to be the girl that followed her boyfriend around and
had no life of her own. Look at me now though. I gave up any dream I had for
myself and what…I work for my dad, real winner there.”

In all actuality there was nothing wrong with the
life I chose. It was stable. Not everyone goes the path they thought they’d
take. Some people got out of school and you found a life that worked. Then
there were people like
Addy
and me that went to work
right after school. Five years later, and I was doing the same thing wondering
where those plans for college and a better life went. I went back to school
last year and was taking night classes to become a massage therapist, but I
hadn’t finished yet. I was making an attempt to change my life but wasn’t quite
there.

“But I don’t have that lifestyle anymore,” he
added quietly as though this was depressing for him. His eyes told me his next
question before he asked it. “Why him?”

For a brief instant, I contemplated how to answer
that because I had constantly asked myself that very same question. The thing
was that when Parker didn’t call, I didn’t know what to do with myself until
Sean came around and provided me with what I was missing. He gave me that
little piece I needed, or so I thought. “He can give me the life that I need.
Something stable. My mom thinks I’m graduating from high school and the other
day she brought home a car seat because she thought I was pregnant. I just
wanted to have a normal life and be my own person.”

Parker gasped. His mouth gaped open, and I knew
the part that had caught his attention.

“I’m not pregnant…” I blew out a breath and
tucked my hair behind my ear. “Do you know what it’s like having to explain
every day to someone that their life is not as it seems? Or to be so hung up on
a guy you basically stop living and wait for their phone call?”

“No, but I do know what it’s like to be hung up
on someone.”

“I don’t think that’s entirely my problem. Deep
down I was afraid you’d leave me. I didn’t know how to make what we had real
without the possibility that I would be left brokenhearted with no life of my
own.”
Wow
, this was easier than I
thought. Well with beer it was. “I guess what I’m saying is that back then,
after Kayla, I thought for sure that if I was to stay, I would be just like her.”

“How so?” he replied, sort of lazily. “I loved
you. I would have never hurt you like that.”

“Loved?”

“Don’t worry.” He snorted, pushing his bottle
into the sand beside him. His arms rested on his stomach. “As much as I want it
to be past tense, it’s not. You know what I feel for you, Rowan.” He was closer
now. I could feel his breath wash over me. “If you would have just…” he shook
his head wistfully “...given me a chance... You never…it just seemed like you
thought you knew how I felt and then decided for yourself what was best for
us.”

“You still love me?”

His eyes closed, a smile ghosting over his lips.
“When I saw you that day in the shop, when I came back, I knew it wasn’t over.
All those feelings were still there regardless of what happened in Anaheim or
that you never called. I didn’t give a shit though. I still couldn’t stop. I
told you, I’ll never stop. I will never love another woman. I can’t. I’ve tried
so many times not to love you, I even tried…I couldn’t.”

He didn’t have to say it. I knew exactly what he
was talking about. He tried to be with someone else physically and couldn’t.

Parker’s hand that was once holding his beer
touched my hip scooting me closer. His thumb pressed into the sliver of skin
showing under my tank top. His hand moved and settled on the small of my back,
dragging me towards him. Our legs tangled in the sand, and once again, our lips
met. The same feeling jolted me, consumed me, and owned me all at the same
time. Parker had such control over me that I completely forgot why I needed to
push him away, and instead, with the safety of the alcohol, I gave into what I
wanted, what we wanted.

For a brief moment he paused. His eyes were on
mine as the pad of his thumb dragged over my lower lip, slow, remembering, like
he could never forget the way it felt to touch me. He raised his hand that was
joined with mine and placed it against his chest, over his heart. “I didn’t
imagine this, did I? This thing we have?”

I shook my head.

He pushed, I pulled. He gave, I took. He
breathed, I inhaled and everything changed.

Our lips were frantic as always. Each movement
seemed to ask an unspoken question of the past and present. He groaned and I
knew then that he wanted this just as much. Rolling me carefully, his body
pressed me further into the sand. I could feel his hardness pressed right where
I so desperately needed it. I wiggled slightly, savoring the feeling should he
pull away. He groaned and I shiver ran through me.

“Please don’t push me away,” he whispered as his
hips shifted, his cheek sliding against mine, the stubble scratching me. “I
fucking need you so bad.” His hips lurched forward and he growled, desperately
rocking against me. The thin fabric of my summer dress allowed the friction to
consume us both. “Just give me tonight,
please
just give me that.”

Nodding, my mouth found every inch of exposed
skin I could. I was losing the fight against my will and couldn’t care less
about that. His intoxicating physical presence that I couldn’t ignore seemed to
be taking over like a virus lying dormant in my body waiting for the right time
to control me completely.

“Tell me you don’t want this and I’ll stop.” His
voice was low and throaty, and I couldn’t tell him to stop because in that
moment, I needed this just as much. “Tell me you don’t want it, and I’ll let
you go.”

Words weren’t necessary. He knew how much I
wanted him. My body wasn’t leaving any questions.

He growled against my neck, teeth sinking into my
flesh, his grip on my waist tightening. “Do you want this?” His hand moved
lower to slip inside my panties. Moving the fabric aside and my dress up around
my waist, his finger dipped inside my wet center. “Fuck.” He grunted, his head
falling forward against my shoulder, his needy hips moving. Parker’s rigid
breath brought me back for a moment. “Don’t do this unless you mean it.”

“I mean it,” I told him with no amount of regret
at that moment. I squirmed under his rough touch and then hastily began
removing any clothing I could get my shaking hands on
—
his and
mine.

Parker hovered between my legs, leaning back on
his heels, he unbuttoned his shorts and then his hands reached forward to hook
his fingers in my panties, quickly dragging them down. My heart was beating out
of control, but it could have been from the alcohol too.

Leaning forward again, his lips found my neck.
“You sure?”

“Yes.”

And I meant it. I was sure at that moment I
wanted nothing more than the man who owned my heart to claim me once again. All
these years, he was the only man I ever let claim me in any way. Now was no
different.

With harsh breaths, he entered me, a shudder
moving through his body as he moved. His hold on me tightened, revealing his
need. The feeling, well it was more intense with each time. To understand the
connection we had, words wouldn’t suffice. No more than the truth being spoken,
the truth in what we were, what we’d become when everything changed. The crash
of each wave signified a deeper meaning for what this really was. Grunts and
moans mixed together as he pushed into me deeper. I clawed at his back wanting
more of him. Over the years, throughout whatever this was between us, our sex
amplified each time. He gave more of himself each time just I had. Now it
seemed he was giving me everything, like an anchor to the tide. Every single
fucking thing he had, he gave me as if he was saying, “
Here, have it all. I
can’t take it anymore.”
He didn’t have to say the words. I felt it with
touch.

Parker pulled back, his hips erratic. He was
barely holding on. His mouth moved from one naked spot to the next, all the
while, grunting and pleading for more.

It didn’t seem to matter to either of us that
here we were on a beach in the middle of the night. No, we were both too far
gone.

His hands that were once wrapped around my
shoulders now moved to my hips and then slid along my ass in the sand.

“Oh God, Ro, fuck…I’m gonna come…” He moaned,
throwing his head forward.

I moaned at his words knowing I was right there
with him. Then his movements sped and I couldn’t think anymore, I could only
feel.

I could feel everything right then. His breaths
and his hardness between my legs and inside of me, it was like I was feeling
and seeing every detail under a microscope. That was when I felt him harden and
jerk forward. “It’s been too long.”

I was there too. I couldn’t hold back anymore.
His large hands were still on my hips as I continued to gyrate into him,
needing anything he’d give me and everything he wouldn’t. My hands dug into the
muscles in his chest covering the scars that reminded me of everything he had
just been through and everything I wasn’t there for.

My entire body was alight with a burning tingling
sensation. Our bodies were speaking, and not just skin to skin. Every little
movement he made, every touch made me respond, made my skin burn and my heart
pound. I felt intensely alive and every bit of my body, mind, and heart was
here with him. He took it all and gave me back all of himself for the first
time.

The moment was so heavy I was almost scared of
what was happening. Parker didn’t let me retreat into my own head. He held me
there with his eyes, his gaze steady and burning. His face just inches above
mine, his mouth open, he gasped for each breath.

I could feel him harden again, his body shaking
releasing into me. The muscles in his neck tensed as he bucked his hips,
letting out a low strangled moan that sounded vaguely similar to my name. I
felt my pulse in every inch of my skin and his too.

Our bodies relaxed, the impact of the situation
lingering with the haze of the alcohol. Parker slid to my side but never released
me. I curled into him, tucking my head under his chin, breathing in the scent
of his warm body.

The sky was turning from black to blue tones when
we spoke again.

“I don’t want to pressure you but I also don’t
want to lose you. Remember under the moon we could say anything?” He paused,
looking up at me. “Whatever that was, it’s still there. I feel it. I can’t tell
my heart to let you go, I’ve tried. It won’t listen.”

“I don’t want you to let go.”

Parker held both my hands in his, waiting for me
to say more but I didn’t. I couldn’t.

I looked deep into his eyes and saw myself
reflected back in them. He was feeling the same way I felt and just as
desperate to have what we had back then.

I knew I could never keep him away again without
breaking my own heart as well as his all over again. I only hoped we didn’t
destroy each other in the process. How could you tell your heart not to love
someone? It was almost like I had to be bitched slapped to fight for myself in
this and fight. His words and his truth bitch slapped me and damn if my cheek
didn’t sting.

“I can’t stay away from you,” he whispered,
kissing me.

“Then don’t.” And for the second time that night,
he covered my body with his. It was a force I couldn’t resist. Not then and
certainly not now.

CHAPTER
25

Rowan
Jensen

Ditch the bike

When a rider jumps off his bike it’s referred to
as ditching the bike.

July
27, 2002

Two days later, we found ourselves back where it
all began for us, surrounded by steep valleys and questions we’d never find the
answers to.

As the sun rose over the canyon, I knew the
promise I was about to break, the one that started with a question.

Words would be spoken. A vow would be made. A
ring would be exchanged and a kiss would be placed.

That meant something to me, but when I saw Parker
standing there against the shop wall the day he returned, I couldn’t remember
the promise I was set to make because it meant nothing since it would be
promised to the wrong man.

When the ground shifted beneath you and
everything you thought you once knew changed, could you handle that?

I couldn’t. That much was evident, and I
collapsed just like everyone else, and ran from the unknown. Lately, it seemed
like it was just one mistake after another with us. Five years later, under the
warm summer night air of Moab Utah, we were tangled up in skin again.
 
The bright orange sun danced across the
valley of red rocks as it set in the distance, the shimmering light catching
sparks from his chocolate hair.

“Oh God, what have we done?”

“Are you going to tell him?” His voice was
anxious.

“What? No…it would kill him.”