Everything Changes (38 page)

Before I left that night, Justin said, “Don’t
underestimate him, Rowan.”

I stared at the diamond on my finger, recalling
the advice Justin gave me that first summer. In theory, that was what I was
doing now.

Just when I thought
Addy
wasn’t going to say any more to me about my situation, she let it all out when
Justin went to get another beer from the fridge. “You guys are being so stupid
about this!” she said, pushing her blonde locks back into a ponytail. I knew
last night wasn’t the end of what she had to say, and to be honest I needed her
to set me straight. “You should be marrying Parker right now and you know it,
but here you are, settling because you’ve never thought you were good enough
for someone like Parker O’Neil.” Inhaling a breath, I knew she wasn’t finished.
“And let me just say you’ve wrecked him time and time again. Every time you
left, you crushed his soul.”

“I thought you were supposed to be my friend.”

“I am your friend and I hate the fact that you
won’t listen to me.”
Addy
nodded, speaking softer now
knowing she nearly woke her son. “He asked you to stay with him over and over
again but you never did. I know for a fact that he asked you to stay at least
three times because every time he asked and you left, guess who he called?
Justin.”

And she was right. He did ask me stay, but I
refused to hear him. My heart and my soul heard what I wanted to hear. It heard
what it didn’t want to change.

The fact of the matter was I had a shitty way of
dealing with my feelings, and Parker was the same way.

“Why couldn’t you stay? What was so important
here?” she asked, watching me carefully.

I had been asking myself that very same question
for years. It was for several reasons, none of which were valid. “For a while I
wouldn’t stay because I wasn’t sure what I was to him. Then, after a while, I
didn’t want to be that girl that I had become who only saw her boyfriend when
it was convenient for him.”

“But he wanted you there,”
Addy
interrupted, looking at me as though I had been blind. I had been.

“I know…but it felt like if I stayed with him I
wouldn’t have been me. I would have been the girl that followed the boy around.
Then I would come back thinking I would do something with my life but I never
did. I was constantly drawn back under his spell and waited for everything to
change.”

“So let me get this straight…”
Addy
moved closer on the couch, her arm draped over the
back. “You thought if you stayed you’d be a pro ho, so every time you came back
to what? The
 
shop? Sean? Me? Your
parents?”

“Yeah, I guess so.” Admitting it made me feel
stupid. It sounded worse than it was, or maybe it was that bad all along. “I
thought that if I came back I could be my own person, but I never did anything.
I just worked and tried to move on…but never could.”

Addy
shook
her head, looking down at the ring on her left hand. “You two are a train
wreck.”

“Wow, thanks.” I laughed lightly, slouching next
to her when Justin came back in the room.

“She’s right, Ro.” Justin handed us both beers.
“You two are train wrecks with a shit load of excuses.”

“Both of you suck.”

“No.” Justin smiled suggestively at
Addy
and lifted his hips. “She sucks.”

Addy
and I
both looked at each other before laughing. Justin always knew how to lighten
the mood.

I still hadn’t figured shit out, but it felt good
to laugh.

July
24, 2002

The next day, I avoided wedding planning and
decided to stop by the shop and work Addy’s shift at the coffee shop so she
could have a day off. With me working in the office more and more,
Addy
picked up all the shifts at the coffee shop because
she could have Bryce out there with her.

The usual customers rolled through, and I was
surprised to see Parker show up around noon on his street bike. Knowing he’d
never race professionally again because of the injuries to his neck and
shoulders, he took every chance he could get to ride. He had metal rods put in
his neck and a titanium plate in his shoulder. Racing just wasn’t wise and no
sponsor wanted to take a chance like that. It didn’t stop him from riding
though.

He never looked in my direction. His head was
bent watching his feet. Parker had a tough life, and it was evident by any
gesture he made. His hair was as wild as ever, tousled by the wind. He appeared
to have slept in his clothes.

After three hours, he finally emerged when I was
closing down. Sitting on the stool outside, I intended to relax for a while
until I went back home to all the stupid wedding planning.
Addy
was taking care of most of it, but neither of us seemed thrilled. It was
different from the excitement with her own wedding because she didn’t want me to
marry Sean. Now it seemed we were planning a funeral. That right there made me
feel horrible and shitty.

Who promised to marry someone when someone else
had their heart?

Me, the same girl who never listened to her heart
or the boy who asked her stay.

“You okay?” his voice was soft and I knew what he
was really asking.
“Are you still marrying him?”
He was cryptic as
usual.

My eyes, red and spilling over with tears, met
his. The guilt tugged at my gut. “I just…need to get away.”

He sat down beside me, our shoulders touched, and
he sighed. He didn’t want to see me crying. “Then let’s get away.”

“It’s not that easy.”

“Actually, it is.” He tipped his head towards the
bike apprehensively. He lowered his eyes, waiting for me to deny him. “All we
have to do is get gas.”

When it came to Parker, I never thought things
through. Look at our past. For the last five years, I had flown around the
country following him and his career. He took my hand and showed me a love I
never knew anyone could feel or have the pleasure of feeling. I didn’t think. I
just went with my gut and right then, my gut told me that I needed to get away,
and I needed to get away with Parker.

CHAPTER
24

Rowan
Jensen

The Card

A card is a rectangular board used by the starter
to countdown the start of the race. When the starter turns the card sideways,
the rider knows the gate will drop within five seconds.

July
24, 2002

I didn’t tell anyone. I didn’t call Sean. I just
got on that bike with him. With my head pressed against his back, I listened to
the rumbling of the bike between my legs and the feeling of Parker’s chest
rising and falling for hours. When the sky turned from blue to black, we’d made
it to southern Oregon’s Canyon Beach.

We ended up getting a hotel room and then took a
walk on the beach after getting a case of beer. I knew Parker didn’t like
drinking because of his dad’s past, but now I’d seen him drink every day since
he got back. That both concerned and saddened me because I knew I was the
reason. If not for our situation, he wouldn’t feel the need to.

The breeze was warm, the scent of salt water
thick in the air. I could hear the waves crashing against the shore. It didn’t
take long before we were sitting in the sand watching waves crash against the
shore. In the warm July heat of southern Oregon, salt water and summer engulfed
my senses and will power.

Around my fourth beer, conversation seemed easy
between us, flowing just as quickly as the alcohol. We were using it to escape
our situation. Our words always seemed to complicate us. Now it was easier.

“I’m sorry that I didn’t visit you.”

His hand came up to run along his jaw, his eyes
narrowing at the shore. He shook his head, contemplating his response. “I
thought for sure you’d at least call. When you didn’t, I nearly gave up. I could
have, easily, and I’d still be there now. But I needed to know why you didn’t.”

“That’s why you worked so hard to recover?”

“Part of it.”

“What was the other?” Looking over at him, I
noticed his brooding gaze moved to mine.

“I couldn’t let them win. If I didn’t recover,
all those headlines, my dad, Dusty…Kayla…they all won. If I did, I proved I
could do it. But none of that mattered anyway. I’ll never ride professionally
again. And I knew that even before the doctors told me. I knew it when I woke
up in the hospital and saw the look on Justin and Kurt’s faces. No sponsor is
going to take a chance like that.”

Some would think he could still ride
professionally, but it was just too dangerous for him and no factory sponsor
would back him knowing just a simple wreck or hit to his head could paralyze
him.

“What if you ran as a privateer?” I could tell it
was something he had already considered. “You did that before.”

“Yeah, well...” he gave a disgusted snort
“...racing as a privateer is a lot different these days. There’s so much to the
sport that most don’t see.”

“Do you mean the lifestyle or the racing?”

Parker shrugged, taking another drink from his
beer. “You know people think that Motocross is full of aggressive assholes,
yeah, there’s some, but it’s not all that way. Take me, or even Taylor Higgins
and Cam Rudd, all good clean racers looking to be the best. In a sport like
that, people don’t see that. They see the guys like Dusty and Travis and think
we’re all like that.” Parker looked back at me, his gaze weary. “And then
there’s the women…everyone thinks because pussy is thrown your way every
weekend that you’ll act on it. Not everyone is that way.” He waited and I said
nothing. “Did you know that Wesley married his high school sweetheart last
year? Just because it’s there, doesn’t mean all guys act on it.”

He was trying to convince me of it.

“I hate that you’re drinking now,” I said, lying
back in the sand and kicking the beer in his hand. He said nothing so I asked,
“Why are you drinking so much these days?”

Parker looked at the bottle in his hand, tipping
it with a contemplative glare. “I know what it’s like to have life chew you up
and spit you out like you’re nothing. Hiding behind a bottle is easier than
facing reality.”

“What?”

“Nothing.” He lay down beside me. “Why do you
care anyway?”

“I care about you.” I looked up at the stars
wishing they could provide me the answers I wanted and the words I needed. I
wanted those tiny twinkling wishes to provide a cure to the incurable. I wanted
them to take away our pain because I couldn’t.

“Could have fooled me,”

“Don’t be a jerk.” I nudged his shoulder with my
own.

“Don’t lie then.” He lifted the bottle to his
lips, took a long sip, and then handed it to me.

“I’m not lying, Parker.” I pushed the bottle back
at him. “I
do
care about you. More than I should.”

He sighed heavily, the sound annoyed, frustrated,
and relieved.

Another few beers and he turned to me, propping
himself up on his elbow. “Why did you leave in Anaheim? What did she say to
you?”

“It’s not important but she gave me the
impression I was a distraction you didn’t need.” Speech was easy now. Beer
would do that to you. “She made me feel like she was what you needed.”

Parker nodded. “Kayla and Dusty were…none of that
matters now. They got what they wanted. I mean fuck…I won nine goddamn
championships back to back too. One accident and it’s over. Everything I worked
for…everything…” His guarded pretense wavered as did his voice. “Everything I
gave up and one accident ended it all.”

“It wasn’t for nothing. Look what you did in five
years… You became the best Supercross and Motocross racer in the world at
twenty four. Not to mention the X-Games and all the freestyle racing you did.”

“It doesn’t mean shit now.” He recoiled, looking
over at me with an appalled glare. “It doesn’t mean a goddamn thing. I’ll never
race freestyle again or any other series.”

“Yes it does.” I was just as appalled. “
You
made history.”

There was an eerie quiet as the waves crashed
against the rocks, and then he spoke again. “I’d give it all back to have what
he has.” Parker gestured to the ring on my finger with his beer. The metal
clanked against the silver of the band.

“So…Dusty and Kayla?” I wanted to draw the
conversation away from me.

“Yeah, but it’s not like I gave a shit who she
fucked. What I can’t understand was why she thought it was her responsibility
to control
who
was in mine? I was so fucking pissed at her for what she
said to you that night in Anaheim.”

“You remember that night?”

“Every fucking detail of it…including you
leaving, again.” His eyebrows rose and he looked at me out of the corner of his
eyes, bringing his beer to his lips.

“Maybe she loved you.”

“For the wrong reasons.” He snorted, both annoyed
and confused. “Kayla loves money and fame.” He rolled on his back, his hand
lifted to run through his hair, sadness consuming the blue I loved. “Would you
have stayed if it wasn’t for her?”