Every One Of Me (25 page)

"Better to tell her now. It could trigger a switch back
to Tess if we talk about her and explain the situation." She took a deep
breath and turned to me, resting her arm on the back of the couch and crossing
an ankle over her knee. "What I am most concerned about isn't that there
is another alter, I already knew that. I'm just wondering what the trigger
was."

"Trigger?" Tess/Jessi asked.

"Yeah. A switch can be caused by some kind of trigger
like stress or fear or an extreme emotion," Benny replied. "Actually,
pretty much anything. Everyone is different." She knew more about this
than I gave her credit for.

"I think I should leave," Tess/Jessi said and
started to stand.

"No!" I cried and quickly stood to block her exit.

"Charlie, calm down," Benny said and came to my
side. "Listen, Jessi. You may not believe everything we are saying and
that's fine, but we aren't going to hurt you and you have nowhere else to
go."

That made Jessi pause. She must have realized that Benny was
telling the truth and when she glanced around the room, she looked lost.

"Why don't you go to bed and we will talk more in the
morning and figure this out."

She nodded and started to back away to the bedroom we had
just made love in not more than half an hour ago.

"I think I will go to bed then. Is this
my
room?"
she questioned, eyeing me carefully.

At that moment, the realization that everything had changed
finally hit me. This wasn't my Tess that I was dealing with. This wasn't even
Lydia or Camryn that already knew me in some way. This was a complete stranger
who had no idea who I was and would probably feel threatened by me in some way.

"Go ahead and take that one. Charlie will take the
other one and he won't bug you at all. Right, Charlie?" Benny asked.

I stood motionless for what seemed like hours, watching the
woman I loved slowly slip through my fingers. No matter how hard I tried to
hold onto her, there was no way to know if, some day, she would fall out of my
grip. I didn't understand the gravity of Tessa's disorder until now.

She was still my Tess, but her alters were not, no matter
how much I wanted them to be.

"Yeah," I croaked. The lump that had lodged in my
throat was painful and it took everything I had to keep my expression
impassive. I don't think I succeeded, but I tried.

I hurried into the extra bedroom and shut the door softly.
Muffled sounds of Benny saying goodnight and Jessi's reassurance that she
wasn't going to go anywhere came through the door.

I sat on the bed with shaky legs and a heavy heart. I
couldn't give up on her. I couldn't give up on
us.

Tessa

I found myself standing in front of the mirror in the
luxurious bathroom that was connected to Charlie's room.
Our
room. I had
no idea how I got there, but I was definitely there and I was definitely
not
dreaming. The water was running, so hot that it was beginning to fog the mirror
in front of me. I quickly shut it off and looked around.

"What the hell?"

The fear that I had switched in the middle of the night hit
me with such force that I had to grip the counter top to stay upright. I knew I
had experienced this before, finding myself in the middle of something without
knowing how I had gotten there, but until now, I hadn't known it at the time. I
had always just woken up and realized I had lost a day or so, sometimes a week.

The closest thing to this feeling was what I felt at the
restaurant the night before, but I couldn't be sure. The hope that things would
get better as I attempted to communicate or integrate with the alters was
hanging by its fingernails and screaming for dear life. If anything, things
were getting worse before I had the chance to make them better.

I nearly ran out of the bathroom, hoping to find Charlie
sleeping and not having any idea what had just happened. When I looked at the
disheveled sheets and found them empty, panic coursed through my veins.

"No," I rasped.

I finally looked down at what I was wearing. I was in a
t-shirt and jeans. Maybe I lost more time than I thought, but a quick trip back
to the bathroom to look in the mirror told me that my hair was still curled the
way Benny had done it, although messy from sex and possibly sleep. Maybe it was
the next morning and Charlie was getting us breakfast or he was with his team
for some kind of meeting. Maybe he had left because I had freaked him out or
something without knowing it.

The Maybe's were driving me insane.

I decided to be proactive and look for him or at least find
Benny and make sure everything was still normal.

I swung the bedroom door open and stepped out into the
living area of the beautiful hotel suite we were staying in. The lights were on
and it was still dark outside.

"Okay, maybe I didn't lose much time at all. Maybe I
had been sleep walking."

A sound from the extra bedroom made me jump, but I hurriedly
closed the distance and gripped the cold doorknob tightly. Was it Trevor who
had decided to stay in this room instead of with Benny? He could help me out,
right?

I opened the door slowly and peered inside. The only light
was coming from the open strip of space underneath the bathroom door. I heard
the toilet flush and the sink turn on as I waited to see who was on the other
side.

I couldn't move away from the doorway I was standing in. If
I had to run, I wanted to make sure nothing was in my way. I flipped on the
bedroom light and looked around. There were no suitcases anywhere and the bed
didn't look like it had been disturbed.

Maybe it wasn't Trevor.

The water turned off and a few seconds later, the doorknob
began to turn.

I held my breath.

It felt like forever before he came into view. His body was
unmistakable. The tattoo on his shoulder confirming that it was him. Dressed in
nothing but a pair of jeans, Charlie stepped into the bedroom looking down at
the ground while a hand tugged sharply at his hair in the way he only did when
he was frustrated.

I don't know if relief was the correct response to what I
was going through, but that's what I felt. What stood in the forefront of my
mind, however, was that Charlie was moving toward the bed instead of the door
where he should have been headed to come back to our room.

"Charlie?"

He startled and cursed as his head snapped up to look at me.

We both stood motionless, breathing hard and fast, as if we
had both just run a marathon.

"Is it you, Tess?"

Oh shit!

I felt the sting in the back of my eyes and tried to keep
myself from crying out in agony by slapping a hand over my mouth.

In three strides, Charlie was standing in front of me and
cupped my face in his hands. "Baby, don't cry. Please"

I hadn't realized the tears had already started to fall, and
they were streaming out of me faster than ever before. Charlie wrapped his arms
around me and I buried my face in his bare chest. I wasn't a crier, but the
last couple weeks had been like a dam breaking open.

"D-did I… are y-you okay? What happened?" I asked
through my tears.

He took a deep breath and squeezed me tighter. His
hesitation was unbearable, like a pair of cement shoes holding me at the bottom
of a lake

"You switched, Tess."

I already knew that, but hearing him say it, hearing that he
was there during it, made the devastation so much greater.

"Was it Camryn? Did she do something--"

"No, baby. It wasn't Camryn, and there is nothing
Camryn can do to make me run off. Got it?" he said firmly and moved back
to cup my face again, gently wiping my tears away with his thumbs. He looked
into my eyes, almost warily, and after a few seconds he sighed, "You're
really back."

"Yes, it's me. Did Lydia make you come in here? Was she
a total bitch or something?" I felt a little better knowing that he was
only dealing with Lydia, she was easy. Sometimes, I really actually hated not
remembering a switch. Co-consciousness was like gold at the moment. Precious
and envied.

He shook his head and I paused. Confusion set in as the
expression on his face turned more and more anxious. This could not be good.

"It wasn't Lydia either."

At first, I wanted to laugh even though it wasn't a very
funny joke. But when he didn't say anything else, I knew he wasn't joking. He
was telling the truth, the look in his eyes told me as much, but I couldn't
help but feel like he was mocking me.

"Damn it, Charlie. This isn't a game!" I shouted
and pushed against his chest to get some distance, but he only held me tighter
and didn't budge an inch.

"I know, love. It's not. I just don't know how to tell
you."

"Just say it!"

He tugged me toward the bed and we both sat down on the
edge, with him wrapped around me as if to anchor me down so I couldn't run. I
felt like I was about to snap into a million pieces. If I hadn't switched yet,
I know I was about to from all the stress and worry.

"It was another alter, one we didn't know about."

Black spots formed in front of my eyes and I was having a
hard time breathing. I felt Charlie's hands holding my face and heard the
distant sound of him shouting my name. I even think I felt a tap against my
cheek as if someone was trying to snap me out of some daydream. I don't
remember if I passed out or if I even responded to anything that was said. All
I could think about was the hope that had just been ripped from my soul,
shredded into a million pieces and burned into nothing but ash.

I lost everything at that moment.

I knew it was ridiculous to think that I had been okay or
even in control of everything. It was almost pathetic. But I couldn't admit to
myself or even accept that this life was it, these were the cards that had been
dealt and I had bet everything on this hand.

Folding hadn't been an option before. It hadn't even crossed
my mind. I could deal with it, right? I could roll with the punches, wing it,
stand my ground, and any other idioms that I can't think of right now.

And I
could have
dealt with it.

With Lydia and Camryn.

With the two alters who had been with me for years,
protected me emotionally and mentally.

No. Folding hadn't been an option at all.

Until now.

So I welcomed the oblivion, the darkness. The total
ignorance that came over me and felt the switch sizzle through my brain.
Control was gone and triggers no longer mattered.

Charlie couldn't help me and I could no longer help myself.

***

Charlie

"Tess! Come on, love, answer me."

She hadn't moved since I told her there was another alter.
In fact, I don't think I had seen anything hold so still without being dead and
I sure as hell hadn't seen anyone dead.

Her eyes had stared straight through me, unseeing and
oblivious to everything going on around her. I couldn't get her to respond to
anything. I lightly tapped her cheek and shook her shoulders.

Nothing.

It was like she had checked out.

I started to stand so I could go get Benny or call an
ambulance. The only explanation was that she was in shock. Her face was pale
and her hands were in tight fists that I had no hope of opening. As I stood and
slowly released her shoulders to make sure she would stay upright, she blinked
several times and finally looked into my eyes.

"Charlie?"

Relief slammed into me. "Tess! Are you okay? You went
completely blank." I gathered her in my arms and pulled her into my lap.

"Wow, Charlie. You are like sex on a stick! Look at
those muscles. My God."

Every muscle in my body froze as the high pitched voice that
was Lydia reached my ears. I remembered the sound of it from the recording Dr.
Geoffrey had played at Tessa's last appointment. Plus, Tess would never say
'sex on a stick' out loud. Would she?

I pulled my face out of her hair and slowly met her gaze.
Nope. Definitely not in this situation.

She had a shit eating grin on her face and even though it
was technically Tess and her smile was always beautiful, this one made me
shiver.

"Lydia."

"Yep, how goes it, Charlie? It's been a long time. I
see that Tess finally clued in to the perfection that is you." She giggled
and licked her lips.

"Why are you here?" I asked, my voice more stern
than I had intended.

She huffed and climbed off my lap. "Well, I guess there
will be no cuddle time for Liddy, huh? Listen, Tess can't handle the stress.
I
can
. That's how this whole thing works with her so you better get used to
it."

I wasn't sure how to respond. I didn't realize that Lydia
knew what her role was in Tessa's mind. "I don't--"

"Understand. Yeah I know. And you probably never will,
but that's okay because that's why I'm here. Tessa Marshall has labeled Cam and
me the bad guys. I'm cool with it, but eventually she is going to burst if she
doesn't learn to accept us." She closed her eyes tightly and rubbed her
fingers against her temples. "Or…"

"Or what?"

She locked eyes with me and frowned. Not a playful, pouty
frown that I would probably expect from her knowing what I know. This was her
being upset about something and even though Lydia was talking to me, I still
felt that protective shove and the need to do whatever it took to fix things
for her.

I was wrong before. Lydia was my Tess, just a different part
of her.

"She is losing it, Charlie. She's giving up and we all
know where that leads so I'm not going to beat around the bush. She needs to
talk to us. Or eliminate us."

"Why?"

She laughed. Actually laughed as if I had said the most
hilarious thing in the world. "Oh, Charlie. You really think you can
handle four different women? And whoever else decides to pop out of her head?
This isn't something that you can just walk away from when things get rough.
Tess already does that herself." She threw her arms in the air in
frustration and pulled on the dark locks falling against her neck like she
wanted to rip them out. "We aren't going to go anywhere without causing
some serious damage to the already fragile mind she has. She has never really
learned to show important emotion or to even handle the shittiest of situations
all by herself. This isn't just a phase and it's not going to magically go away
or get better. This is the rest of her life."