Every One Of Me (26 page)

"I already know that!" I shouted at her, feeling
my blood simmer and my fists clench. I wasn't in this thinking that someday
things would all turn out normal, I was in this because I loved Tess more than
any man had ever loved a woman. I would give my life for her.

"I know that better than anyone else, Lydia. But I also
want
Tess
more than anything else. And if that means I get you and
Camryn and Jessamyn, or even 20 other people who come with her, I will still
consider myself the luckiest bastard alive because I get the moments with Tess
that matter. You say I can't walk away from her because it will destroy her,
but the truth is it will destroy
me.
"

I dropped down onto the bed and held my head in my hands. My
mind was racing, frantically trying to find a solution for
Tess
, not me.
I didn't care if one of her alters turned out to be a man who wanted nothing
more than to put his fist through my face all the time. But she would care and
it would rip her apart if she had the slightest inkling that being with her was
difficult for me. She had already proven that she could disappear because she
felt guilty.

"What do I do, Lydia?" I whispered, feeling a
burning sensation at the back of my eyes that I only remember feeling when we
had discovered Tess was gone all those years ago.

"That's the problem. You can only be you. There's not
much else." She placed her hand on my back and patted softly, trying to
comfort me but not really knowing how. "Listen," she demanded,
"Tess isn't the only one who needs convincing. She may never accept us,
but even if she does, it won't matter unless you can convince the others to
accept it. To accept you. Tess sure as hell isn't going to convince them
anytime soon."

"What? Like make all you girls fall in love with
me?" I scoffed.

"Exactly," she shrugged  and then smacked me on
the back. "You've got it."

"You have got to be kidding me."

She rolled her eyes, looking so much like the Tess I knew,
"I know you may not completely trust me, but there is one thing that you
can be assured of. I love you as much as Tess does, so that's two down and two
to go… so far."

I gaped at her, completely shocked by what she had just said
so flippantly. "You love me?"

She nodded hesitantly, looking only a little wary of my
reaction, "Always have. I've spent more time with you than you think,
Charlie. And unfortunately, I couldn't tell Tess how stupid she was for leaving
at the time, but now I'm glad she did. Benny is good for her and I think she
could see that the rest of us are pulling for her, too, if she just held on a
little longer."

I dropped my head in my hands for the hundredth time and
tried to pull out a solution, one that would be best for Tess. The thought of
convincing two other women, besides Tess and Lydia, to fall in love with me,
and stay in love with me long enough to live another 60 plus years together,
was giving me a massive headache. I had a hard enough time getting it out of
Tess. Took 15 years, really.

I could honestly say that it was worth it, though.

Every minute of it.

And each of these alters was Tess. At least, a part of her
that she had created to deal with things that she normally couldn't deal with
herself. I didn't have a choice. I loved her so I would love them and hope that
they would return the sentiment sooner or later.

Hopefully sooner.

She had been pacing back and forth while I had been thinking
and practically wearing a hole in the carpet. Even knowing she was Lydia right
now didn't stop me from wanting to pull her into my arms and comfort her. I
would have to talk to Tess about that. They were all still her and if I was
going to do this - convince them to love me - I was going to have to talk to
each of them intimately, be with them intimately. Could I do that without
feeling like I was being unfaithful to Tess?

She raked a hand through her hair and tugged.

"Are you nervous?" I asked because from what I had
been told and what I had seen and heard, Lydia didn't get nervous.

"Not really," she replied almost too quickly and
waved her hand in the air dismissively as if she were shooing away the very
idea.

"You seem to know a lot about Tess. Why doesn't she
know more about you?"

She shot me a wry smile and finally sat down on the bed.
"She doesn't take the time really. Everything she knows about us comes
from someone else, her therapist, Benny. She's explained to you about
co-consciousness right?"

I nodded and shrugged, "Yeah, but I'm not quite sure I
understand it completely."

She smiled and laid down on her side resting her head in her
hand. "Tess isn't aware of any of us whether she is in a switch or not. If
she wouldn't have wondered why she was losing time here and there, she would
have never discovered us without someone else pointing it out to her. As far as
she is concerned, she has always only been Tess.

"Camryn and I, on the other hand, are aware of Tess
consistently. We have experienced Tess and each other and are aware of
everything that happens around us. We aren't aware of Jessamyn, but it seems
like she isn't aware of any of us either, just like Tess."

My head was aching more with confusion. It was all so
complicated. How could Tess ever keep track of everyone?

"I feel like I need to write this all down so I can
remember who is who," I said feeling a little discouragement.

"That's actually a good idea. Dr. G talked to me about
that a while ago. Tess should really start keeping a journal or something,
writing down her thoughts and feelings about what happens to her and what is
going on in her life. Jessamyn will need that. Camryn and I can do it, too. It
would help Tess communicate with us. She wants to, but I think she is scared of
what it might do. She doesn't want us with her forever, but she can't just kick
us out of her head."

We talked about different ways to get Tess to be more
involved with her, Camryn, and Jessi. It was after 2 in the morning by the time
we started drifting off to sleep. Neither one of us really wanted to get up and
I had no desire to be away from Tess, whether she was aware of me or not. I was
still waiting for her to switch back, but it looked like I was going to have
Lydia for a while longer.

She had already closed her eyes and her breathing had evened
out. I was having a hard time keeping my eyes open, but I wanted to soak her
in. I watched her breathe in and out and wondered what she would dream about,
if Tess would remember the dreams or if Lydia would.

There would definitely never be a dull moment in our lives,
that's for sure.

Tessa

I honestly don't remember how or why I woke up so suddenly,
I just know that Charlie was next to me in bed, on top of the covers, in his
jeans, looking like he should be kept locked up and hidden away for looking so
god damn beautiful.

I
do
remember feeling awfully freaked out after he
told me I had a third alter. The familiar nervous feeling crept up into my
chest and my heart started beating faster, but I tamped it down and took a few
deep breaths. I didn't need to feel that way anymore.

I know Lydia had taken my place after I blanked out. I knew
she could handle the freaking out better than I could. I also know that her and
Charlie had a good talk about how to balance myself out and also balance out my
life with Charlie.

I know all of this.

I
remember
all of this.

The smile that broke out across my face was probably the
biggest one I had ever had since before I left Charlie and my family.

It was the first true hope I had ever felt.

For the few moments after Charlie had dropped the bomb, I
had seriously considered ending everything. I knew I wouldn't be able to live
my life being so many different people, not knowing if Charlie could truly
handle it and not knowing what they were saying and doing with him. My family
would struggle. Mom was strong and smart, and she would adapt to everything,
Trevor might have a harder time, but they would eventually come to understand
me and be able to live with us. I just didn't want them to
have
to.

I felt like I had been dreaming. During the switch, it was
like I was a fly on the wall, watching my body and face interact with Charlie.
He had looked so confused and almost devastated for me, but as things started
to come together for him, he looked hopeful.

Probably as hopeful as I was feeling at the moment.

Benny had been telling me the truth, I was loved by her and
my family. By Charlie. They weren't being forced to do
anything
. They
were sticking with me because they wanted to.

If you have never felt love like that before… well, let me
just say it feels amazing. Like a warmth oozing through your veins. The warm
feeling you get after taking that first sip of a good strong Brandy.

Bliss. Happiness. Relief.

I never wanted to let that feeling go. I wasn't
going
to let it go.

I watched Charlie for a few moments longer, raking my eyes
over his handsome face, so relaxed and almost boyish. He looked content. I scooted
closer to him and gently ran my finger over his brow, passing over the cut
above his eye, down along the bridge of his nose, to his soft full lips that
could do wonders to me. He had a good amount of scruff along his jaw and the
feel of it under my fingers sent tingles down my spine, remembering the
sensation of that scruff rubbing along the intimate places on my body. It made
the warmth I was already feeling grow into a heady glow.

I moved my hand down his neck to his thick shoulder, then
felt the muscles in his upper arm flex like he was on high alert. I looked back
at his face and his bright green eyes were watching me. I leaned forward,
unable to go on without feeling his lips against mine.

He backed away quickly, his expression confused and wary.

"Lydia, I don't think…"

My stomach fell down through the bed and hit the floor. I
didn't like the sound of him calling me another name and the hurt on my face
must have shown. I moved to climb off the bed and give him some space, but his
hand shot out and grasped my wrist.

"Wait. Tess, you're back?"

"Yeah, I am. Who else would be touching you and
attempting to kiss you?" I snapped.

He looked dejected for a split second before understanding
crept over his face. "No one else but you, Tess. I wouldn't even put
myself in that kind of situation with anyone else."

I knew being upset was irrational. To him, I'm sure that my
alters are still me in some way. I would have to learn to be on that same line
of thinking, but right now, I just wanted to be mad at him for pulling away
from me.

"Lydia told me she was in love with me. I didn't
realize how long we had been asleep and I guess I just thought it was still her
and she was making a move or something," he said quickly, looking
desperate to convince me that it wasn't me he was rejecting.

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, holding it for ten
seconds before slowly letting it seep out. I pushed out the anger and nodded my
head.

"I know, Charlie. I'm sorry, I just didn't expect that.
Didn't like it either."

He tugged me closer to him, still laying down on his side,
and pulled me against his chest so we were face to face with our lips a mere
inch apart and our bodies perfectly aligned.

"I think we should talk about that. I don't want to
ever pull away from you, Tess. I just don't know what to do with them. It's
still you. When I look at them… it's still you. How am I supposed to think any
differently? What do you want me to do?"

I closed my eyes. As much as it hurt to think of him with
one of the alters, he was right, it was still me. I shrugged, "Well, like
Lydia said, make them fall in love with you."

He sighed and nodded before his whole body went stiff and
his eyes widened. "You remember?"

I hadn't meant to let him know that I
did
remember
the switch. I wanted to wait and see if it lasted. No sense disappointing him
if it didn't, but I nodded hesitantly and the look on his face was enough to
convince me that it was a good idea.

His smile was breath taking and I think my heart forgot to
keep beating for several seconds.

"That's… great. Right?" he whispered.

"Yeah. It is."

When his lips crashed against mine, all thoughts of another
alter and whether or not things would work out, left my mind. It was just me
and Charlie.

That's all that mattered.

***

"She's French?"

"Pretty sweet, huh?" Benny said with her biggest
smile. "I think it ups your hotness score to about 100. The accent is
definitely irresistible."

I was grateful for Benny's comments, trying to make me feel
better that the alter wasn't a freak, but still…

We were on the plane, heading back home, with Charlie in the
seat next to me and Benny in front of us with Trevor. Apparently, Charlie had
made some calls and gotten us all together in first class on the same flight
back. We had all been avoiding the elephant on the plane until the seat belt
light went off. Then, Benny immediately turned in her seat and rested against
her folded arms on the back of the seat and started filling me in.

She had come back to the room this morning, but Charlie
kicked her out in the first 5 seconds after she barged into the suite. I had
just gotten in the shower and Charlie was on his way in when we heard her
calling my name. He had poked his head out the bedroom door, told her I was
occupied and would be until we had to leave for the airport and not to call or
come back until she heard from
us.

I assumed that she had taken it really well because when we
met downstairs at the car, she couldn't stop smiling and winking at me. Charlie
hadn't let me leave the room until the last minute and my hair was a mess, my
lips were swollen, and my clothes were crooked. Trevor didn't look me in the
eye, but his lips had turned up into a smile when Charlie wrapped his arm around
me in the car.