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That may be a problem. Since you let Ken Perry go, no one seems to know where the rods and plungers are kept. As for doing it myself, I only deal with the metaphorical stuff. Sorry.

	Simon Horne – 1/5/00, 12:59pm
to:	Susi Judge-Davis
cc:
re:	thank you

Darling, you have been an absolute lifesaver this morning.

You seem to be the only person who truly understands the pressure cooker in which I operate. Thank you for your empathy.

Could you do me a couple of favours before you pop out for lunch?

First let my department know that the Coke review will now take place at 3:30, and I expect no tardiness.

Then have someone from maintenance replace my door. I cannot possibly be expected to do my best work without some sort of protective barrier from the ignorant hordes.

And when you are out could you nip to the Dickens and Jones perfume counter and get me something smelly for Celine? You know what she wears.

For some unfathomable reason she would not let me in the house last night.

	[email protected] 1/5/00, 1:05pm
to:	debbie_wright@littlewoods/manchester.co.uk
cc:
re:	London calling again

Where the fuck do I start, girl? There was a fire practice this morning and it turned into WW3 with jokes. Next time I see you, have a bottle of Bacardi handy and I’ll take you through it.

Then Boss told me to clean out the bogs. He’s a scary fucker, but if he thinks I’m dealing with his floaters he’ll have to pay me a lot more than £8 an hour. Told him to shove his bog brush up his hairy arse. Not those words exactly, but you get the idea. He’s gone to lunch and I reckon I’ll be out of a job when he gets back. Don’t e me here just in case. I’ll let you know.

Remember, however dull processing mail order gets, at least it’s not a bloody loony bin – Lol

	Susi Judge-Davis – 1/5/00, 1:07pm
to:	Creative Department
cc:
re:	Coke review

This is to inform you that the Coke review due to take place this morning will now happen at 3:30 in Simon’s office. Simon has also asked me to point out that after you let him down so appallingly this morning, he will tolerate no absenteeism.

	Susi Judge-Davis – 1/5/00, 1:09pm
to:	Simon Horne
cc:
re:	thank you

Si darling, you’re so sweet, but please don’t thank me. After all, if it wasn’t for your strength and wisdom under impossible strain, I wouldn’t be half the person I am. You’ve taught me so much.

I’ve let the department know about the review. I know you’re too nice to say so yourself, so I’ve also told them you’ll brook no silliness this time. I talked to Ken Perry’s Shanice about the door and she’s trying to order a new one. There may be a problem hanging it, though. Since Ken was sacked no one has the foggiest where the key to the tool locker is . . . Sx

	Daniel Westbrooke – 1/5/00, 1:50pm
to:	Shanice Duff
cc:
re:	front doors

I have a delegation of clients from the LOVE Channel waiting in the street. They are very cold and extremely wet – especially the two charming topless pool players. The automatic doors are refusing to open. I hazard it is some sort of electrical failure, though since I am not mechanically minded, who knows?

You must be aware that we are about to shoot a
very expensive
television commercial for LOVE, and this is hardly the way to imbue them with confidence in our abilities.

I suppose that in the unforeseen absence of Ken Perry, this falls to you to deal with. I would be very much obliged if this embarrassing situation could be remedied immediately.

Daniel Westbrooke

Head of Client Services

	Liam O’Keefe – 1/5/00, 1:53pm
to:	Brett Topowlski
cc:
re:	welcome back

If you and Vin managed to squeeze past your two LOVE birds (Patsi and Despina – as a major pool fan I’d recognise those cueing arms anywhere), and then make it through the faulty doors, this will be the
2nd e-mail you read after Susi’s about the 3:30. Well, it had to happen but at least I bought you an extra four hours. The Pink Buddha and me have just resurrected that campaign we did for the Abbott Ale pitch last year. Horne will never remember it – off his face when he rejected it. I’m changing the pack shots on the storyboards from beer to Coke. Pinki’s got a problem with the line, “BITTER, MOI?” Doesn’t readily translate to cola.

	Brett Topowlski – 1/5/00, 2:17pm
to:	Liam O’Keefe
cc:
re:	welcome back

We only just got in. Some geezer in a boiler suit had lifted an entire sheet of plate glass from reception and was helping the LOVE babes (
who, you will be aware, are only in the agency for a wardrobe session for our exciting TV ad which is about to shoot on the idyllic beaches of Mauritius
) totter up a step-ladder and through the gap . . . welcome to Miller Shanks, at the cutting edge of modern technology.

Just done five Becks apiece but even so had a blinder on Coke. Surrender to it.

	Nigel Godley – 1/5/00, 2:24pm
to:	All Departments
cc:
re:	stationery requisites

Anyone who has been having trouble gaining access to the stationery cupboard since the departure of Ken Perry might be interested to know that I have a supply of paper clips in assorted colours and staples in two sizes. Although these are my personal property, I would be glad to help the company through this period of shortage. This is a limited supply, so only the genuinely needy, please.