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You are indeed 110% correct to tell your Created Director not to flap! For here is the astonishing Coca-Cola work I have been promising. It is, I think you will be agreeing, mole-breaking stuff. I waste no further ado and reveal all!

Our first commercial is opening on a grey scene of down-in-mouth teenagers sadly missing Coke refreshingness. This is quickly changing to technicolours as Europe’s premier pop-disco group, Aqua, appear in their zany outfits and crazy hairdoings. They are immediately singing their own brand of uplifting, happy music.

As they sing, dance and lark about in a clean-cut, teenager way, the with-it youngsters are drinking Coca-Cola and their mood is transforming to beaming happiness.

And this is just the first TV script! I fax the other five to you now. Your reaction will be like mine when my top-gun team bring me this outrageous concept. WOW and DOUBLE WOW!! I know it will be a brave client to buy an idea of such power, but with your famous “ball of steel,” I am knowing you can do it.

Perhaps my overhead projections and me come over for the pitch to lend mortal support? I take already the liberty to put this thinking to Jim Weissmuller and he is most enthusing.

As soon as you are getting over the excitement, let me know what you think.

Toodle-pip – Pertti

	David Crutton – 1/5/00, 8:10am
to:	Chandra Kapoor
cc:
re:	COMPETITION TIME

Complete the following sentence:

If my fucking e-mail is not fixed by tomorrow morning
 . . .

	Ken Perry – 1/5/00, 8:15am
to:	All departments
cc:
re:	FIRE DRILL

I would like to remind you of prescribed practice in the event of fire, terrorist alert or other unspecified emergency. All departments have a designated fire officer. This person is responsible for the orderly evacuation of the premises.

If you are unaware of who your fire officer is, you will find a list on
the noticeboard at the end of your floor. If you are a fire officer and are unsure of your duties, please see Shanice, my secretary, who will book you onto a short refresher course.

There will be a fire drill today at precisely 11:30am. Please treat it as REAL and stick to the evacuation procedure as outlined in the staff handbook.

And remember,
drills save lives.

Thank you for your co-operation.

Ken Perry

Office Administrator

	David Crutton – 1/5/00, 8:22am
to:	Simon Horne
cc:
re:	Coke

Last night I believe I sent you an e-mail telling you not to worry. Well, once in a while even I am wrong.

For reasons too ridiculous to go into, our colleagues in Finland have taken it upon themselves to work on the Coke pitch. In their enthusiasm, they have also chosen to inform Weissmuller of their efforts.

I don’t have to tell you how we’ll look if we’re trashed by a bunch of humourless, elk-shagging Scandinavians, but I will, anyway. We’ll look like total bloody fuckwits. So let me apply a little pressure. I know the pitch is over a week away, but I want to review all work this morning.

I have had a preview of the Finnish campaign. It features Aqua singing a dire re-write of “Barbie Girl” (I wouldn’t have thought it possible to sink lower than their original lyrics, but our colleagues in Finland have somehow managed it). It is every bit as crass as you’d expect a commercial featuring Aqua to be. Correct me if I’m wrong, but weren’t they considered the aural equivalent of acne even when they were still selling records?

I’m ranting, but you’ll get my drift – it is unmitigated shite.

Nevertheless, I want to make absolutely sure that there is no opportunity for us to be outdone.

We’ll review at 11:30, and I fully expect to be dazzled.

	Susi Judge-Davis – 1/5/00, 9:01am
to:	Simon Horne
cc:
re:	morning!

Good night at Bib’s? Did you try the scallops with squid ink risotto? To die for! Anyway, your door is closed so I won’t disturb, but when you’re off the phone, please can you call David? He’s been trying to reach you since I got in, but I did what I’m paid for, darling, and stalled him. Harriet is after you as well. She wants to confirm the Mako review for the end of today. I told her not to get her hopes up! I’m going for a Starbuck’s latte. Do you want a choccy croissant while I’m there? Sx

	Zoë Clarke – 1/5/00, 9:09am
to:	Lorraine Pallister
cc:
re:	welcome!!!!

Hi, we met really briefly in Bar Zero the other night!!!! I’m the girl you’re taking over for in the creative dept!!! Give me a shout and I’ll show you round and tell you what the job’s all about. Don’t worry about a thing, ’cos I’m sure you’ll fit in really, really well!!!!! Simon Horne’s PA, Susi, is an absolute love and she’ll make you feel right at home!!!! Zxxx

	[email protected] 1/5/00, 9:15am
to:	debbie_wright@littlewoods/manchester.co.uk
cc:
re:	London calling

Two days in London and I’m in advertising. I went to a temp agency last week and they got me into this place called Miller Shanks. They did those shite ads for Kimbelle – you know, the Artist Formerly Known As Ginger Spice bunjee jumping, looking like someone shoved a high voltage cable up her arse. I’m working for the CEO (posh for managing director) who spends his whole time staring at
my nipples like I just invented them. It was only supposed to be for a couple of weeks but it’s turned permanent. Next week I start as a PA in the creative department. That’s the bit that has the ideas, but all I’ve seen them do so far is fifty grams of charlie. Some of the lads are a laugh, though. One of them thinks he’s on for a shag, but he looks too much like Bart Simpson (overbite, spiky hair and slightly jaundiced). Mind you, after a few beers he starts looking like Brad Pitt, so who knows? Anyway, it’s fucking la-la land here. No one does any work. They just talk about it. Yesterday two secretaries beat ten shades of shit out of each other. Think that’s why I ended up getting offered the permanent job. How’s Salford since I left? Seen that sad twat, Terry? Tell him if he comes anywhere near London I’ll break his other thumb as well. Write/call when you can. Miss you – Lolx

	Daniel Westbrooke – 1/5/00, 9:24am
to:	Susi Judge-Davis
cc:	Simon Horne
re:	Coke