e (22 page)

For what it’s worth, I reckon your Coke idea was twenty-four carat – “c
OK
e”! It was staring me in the face – the two most universal words on the planet right there on the bloody can. Horne’s a bigger arse than I thought for dumping it. Mind you, he crapped on everything he saw. Either he wants to lose this pitch or he has an amazing idea of his own – no, forget that last thought (airborne pigs etc.). Got to go. Harriet’s just walked in and she’s smuggling melons. Later.

	Simon Horne – 1/5/00, 4:30pm
to:	Creative Department
cc:
bcc:	David Crutton
re:	what have I done to deserve you?

I feel very badly let down by each and every one of you.

No, worse than let down.

Wounded.

I seem to spend my life defending your hides.

You repay me with the saddest parade of ideas passing off as advertising that it has been my misfortune to see.

At 3:30 tomorrow we will review Coca-Cola once again.

This is the saloon named Last Chance.

I kid you not.

Si

	Nigel Godley – 1/5/00, 4:31 pm
to:	All Departments
cc:
re:	going, going . . .

I’m right out of staples and paper clips but I still have pads (lined and plain) and green Bics. – Nige

	Simon Horne – 1/5/00, 4:36pm
to:	Vince Douglas Brett Topowlski
cc:
bcc:	David Crutton
re:	FINAL WARNING

Gentlemen, I held back from singling you out in my note to the department to spare your embarrassment.

However, I would like you to know that your Coke idea was the worst of a lamentable bunch.

If you believe you can convince me that taking the brand name and highlighting the letters “OK” is
l’idée grande
, one that will win us a multi-million-pound account, then you must think I have been in this business five minutes.

It was worse than pathetic.

For too long I have harboured the fond hope that your banal profanities and shabby appearance masked the quick wits of true creative practitioners.

Sadly not.

Maybe you are simply in holiday mood at the prospect of winging your way to Mauritius next week to shoot LOVE. I would be more than happy to lift that heavy burden from your shoulders and cover the job myself if it would mean your rapt attention on Coke.

And when you have a moment, Vince, you might care to jot down on a scrap of paper exactly how you think that wearing a T-shirt that
bears the legend “TITS OUT FOR THE ART DIRECTOR” could possibly be seen as the uniform of a highly paid professional. I would love to know.

Si

	Harriet Greenbaum – 1/5/00, 4:43pm
to:	James Gregory Katie Philpott
cc:
re:	phew!

Pinki and Liam have given me some Mako scripts and posters that have put a grin on my face for the first time in weeks. Come and inspect them immediately and tell me that the pressure to salvage this account hasn’t totally screwed my judgement.

	debbie_wright@littlewoods/manchester.co.uk 1/5/00, 4:45pm
to:	[email protected]
cc:
re:	still here

Glad you’re still in employment, doll. Just one word of warning on the Bart/Brad/Liam thing: just remember what happened when you shagged that bloke in the Haçienda cos you thought he looked like Goldie . . . Debs

	Katie Philpott – 1/5/00, 4:58pm
to:	Liam O’Keefe
cc:
re:	genius!

Harriet has just shown James and me your idea for Mako and I think it’s absolutely, totally brill! Well done! I don’t know how you creative chaps come up with it. Me, I haven’t got a creative bone in my bod’ – totally hopeless! See you later, clever clogs. – Katie P

	Harriet Greenbaum – 1/5/00, 4:59pm
to:	Lorraine Pallister
cc:	David Crutton
re:	urgent

Lorraine, could I see David as soon as he’s out of his meeting on a very urgent matter? It regards Mako and an excellent idea that he
must
look at.

	Rachel Stevenson – 1/5/00, 5:00pm
to:	Nigel Godley
cc:
re:	going, going . . .

Nigel, I don’t wish to be rude as I value your commitment to the company tremendously. However, IT tells me your e-mails are clogging the already over-burdened server. I’ve also had a number of complaints from people tired of wasting time on trivial memos. As I said, your hard work is appreciated. Please keep it up. Just go easy on the all-staffers.

	Harriet Greenbaum – 1/5/00, 5:02pm
to:	James Gregory Katie Philpott
cc:
re:	drop everything