Desire (43 page)

“
Just relax. We are going to fix you, Isaac.” Letting my hand fall, she loosens my tie and undoes the top button of my shirt as I stand there frozen, trembling, trying to breathe. This is so fucked up. She thinks that she’s helping me get to where I need to be, but she’s really destroying it. And I hate lying to her. I’m betraying both of them. “Just calm down. It’s me,” Glory whispers, kissing my neck.

“
I can’t.” I recoil, flying away from her as fast as I can.

“Okay.” She lets out a
slightly exasperated sigh, shaking off the rejection. I can’t fucking believe how understanding she’s being right now. “Maybe sex is too much. Lets’ try something else. Sit down.”

My stomach sinks and doesn’t stop falling. It feels like it never will, it’s such a horrible sensation, everyt
hing inside of me is screaming no, but I force myself to sit on the couch and take a deep breath. Okay, you prepared for this. You don’t have a choice, if you don’t go through with it you’ll lose everything. Smiling, Glory kisses my cheekbone and drops down to her knees in front of me. My head spins when she strokes me through my pants, hiding her disappointment at my lack of enthusiasm. Remember the last time Maya did it. I picture her mischievous eyes peeking up at me with my dick between her swollen lips and I start to get hard.

“See. Y
ou’ll be yourself again in no time,” Glory says, fumbling with my zipper.

I grab her wrist before she gets my pants undone. “S
top. Just stop it. I need a second.”

“That’s fine,” she huffs, sinking on
back her heels. “Just take a deep breath and try to relax.”

It’s
just a fucking blowjob. All I have to do is sit here and pretend it’s Maya’s mouth. But then afterwards Glory will be still be horny and I’ll need to get her off or at least go through some bullshit charade where we pretend I order her to do it herself. If I don’t, she’ll be hurt. Maybe I could get away with it this time, but not the next. And there will be a next time, probably before we go back to Boston.

“Isaac…” she
whispers, touching my thigh.

Think about Maya. Her hair, her fingers. Our future.
“I can’t do this.”

“Y
es, you can.” She tries to pull at my underwear to free me.

“
Stop!” I throw her backwards as I choke out a sob, scrambling to my feet as I zip up. This isn’t going to work. I would rather die than cheat on her. I can’t betray her, I don’t have it in me. It’s the one fucking thing I just can’t do. I need to face what’s really fucking happening. I was always going to die anyway, I never should have been fucking born to begin with. I’ll fuck around with Glory for a few months, she’ll get sick of me and then what? Become my biggest fucking ally when I fall in love with another woman five minutes later? There is no end game here, there never was. I never had a fucking chance. My father is going to kill me when I break Glory’s heart or shatter her pride, even if she begs him not to. If I’m lucky, he cares enough to do it quickly, if not he’ll give the opportunity to his favorite friend at the moment and it will take days. I should just save them the trouble. But I’ll take Luke out first.

If I leave
right now, I should be able to do it before they figure out I’m gone for good. Then Maya will truly be safe. She’ll move on eventually, fall in love again, get married, have those crazy haired kids. Now she knows what it’s supposed to feel like when someone really loves her, she won’t get involved with this shit. Whoever it is, he will be better for her than I ever had a chance to be. I know she’ll always think of me when he fucks her, I’ll always be the best she ever had. But I hope he loves her just as much, I really do. She deserves it. It doesn’t even make me jealous anymore. As long as she’s happy. And safe. I just need to know she’s safe.

“
What happened to you Isaac?” Glory asks softly, approaching me. I can’t answer, I can barely even breathe. “I can’t help you unless you tell me.”

“I
can’t.”

“
Isaac did he… did he let someone…”

“N
o, that’s not it.”

“P
lease honey, you have to tell me.” All she tries to do is put her hand on my shoulder, but I swat at it and twist away. “Isaac, it’s
me
. I can help you.”

“No, you can’t.”

“Am I the problem? Because… God, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but maybe we could find someone else. Someone more… therapeutic.”

This is a trick, it has to be. “What, like a sex therapist or something?”

“I guess. I don’t know how it works. We could do some research, maybe ask Roger.”

I’m not sure which Glory
I’m looking at right now. “You wouldn’t be mad?”

“I don’t know,” she answers quietly. “You keep saying we’re not compatible anymore and maybe you’re right.
Either way, I still want you to get over this. You were doing so much better when you were with Sloane’s girls. Maybe you should go back.”

“Would you still feel that way if I told you I’ve been fucking a couple of them this whole time?”

“I assumed that you were. I’m not exactly thrilled,” she grumbles, “but I want you to be happy. And happy isn’t with me, is it Isaac?” Her eyes start to tear up and she doesn’t even hide it.

I might as well just fucking say it already.
“No.”

“And it never can be, can it?”

“I don’t think so. We can keep trying but—”

“It’s okay
,” she replies softly, he voice cracking. “Sometimes you can’t get it back, even when you want it. I hope you only go through this once.”

“It’s not you.”

“Don’t you dare say ‘it’s me,’” she laughs, wiping her eyes.

“That’s not what I was going to say,” I whisper. It’s
the only option now. I guess it’s worth the risk. Glory starts to sense that I’m about to say something that she really doesn’t want to hear, her arms wrapping around her chest as she steps back. “I’m in love with someone else.”

“W
hat?” she gasps.

51

Isaac

“
I am in a monogamous relationship with someone else and I can’t cheat on her. That’s not who I want to be. That’s not who I am.”

“W
hat does that mean?” Her voice wavers as she starts to breathe a little faster. I’ve seen this panicked expression on subs when they get their collars taken away, the disbelieving calm before the storm when it finally hits them. And nobody storms quite like Glory.

“I
t means that I have a girlfriend and I love her. That’s what I haven’t been telling you. That’s why I can’t do this. It’s been going on since before I moved in.” I’ve never actually hurt someone like this, it’s so hard to look at her face. Jealously, I expected, but she looks like I just tore her heart out. “I’m so fucking sorry.
So
fucking sorry, Glory. I hated lying to you. I just didn’t know what to do.”

Her eyes narrow
as her face hardens, because Glory doesn’t do hurt feelings. Shit. This was obviously a bad idea. “Girlfriend?” she fumes as the shock turns to rage. “Who?”

Before I can refuse to answer her, she starts
yelling names at me. Her friends, other guy’s subs, old clients, Sloane’s girls. Pretty much everyone I’ve fucked in the past three years, women I didn’t even remember, people I didn’t even think she knew about. I keep telling her that it doesn’t matter who it is as I scramble for a way to handle this now that it has clearly blown up in my face. I’ve never seen her so enraged, screeching obscenities as she hurls random objects at me.

“I
t’s a girl I met outside all that shit, Glor,” I say calmly. “Just a normal girl, she’s in school. White picket fence, remember?”

Closing her eyes, she stops herself from screaming at me and takes a deep breath, placing the crystal ash tray she was about the
throw across the room back on the end table. When she finally opens her eyes, she’s looking at me like I’m an alien the way she always does when she remembers just how much of a fucking freak I am.

“How did you meet this normal girl
?” It’s not quite my mother’s voice, but it’s definitely not my ex-lover’s either.

“I’
m not telling you anything about her. You’ll tell him and he’ll fucking kill her. He’ll send a gang to fucking rape her to death. I’d rather die myself.”

“
Isaac, you need to tell me what is going on.”

“You know I can’t do that.”

Glory almost loses her grip on the patience she’s clinging to, but she manages to stay calm, lighting up a cigarette and taking a seat on the couch. “So you love her. Do you know what that means?”

“Y
eah, I do,” I shoot back defensively. I can’t lose my fucking temper right now.

“And you spend time together?”

“Every fucking second that I can.” Rub it in, asshole. That will really help.

“D
oes she love you?”

“Y
es.”

She taps her foot nervously, looking away like she
’s afraid to say something. “How do you that know she loves you?”

“S
he tells me,” I say and I hear Maya whispering it in my ear.

“Isaac…” Glory hesitates.
I am really getting sick of the pity, I’d almost prefer the rage. “Does she use those words or do you just know somehow?”

“Really?” I growl. “A
re you asking me if I’m an unwanted fucking stalker right now?”

“N
o, I just want to make sure you aren’t misinterpreting the signals.”

“S
he uses the words. Frequently.”

“
Do you give her money?” she asks calmly.

Unable to look at her, I turn away and stare out the window
at the city lights. “I don’t fucking believe this.”

“So you do.”

“She’s not a fucking prostitute.”

“T
hat’s not what I said. I just want to know if she’s taking advantage of you.”

“F
uck this!” I shout. “And fuck you for thinking I’m that broken and stupid.”

As soon as I spit it out, I regret it. That ashtray whizzes by my head before she’s even on her feet. We’ve fought a lot over the years, but not quite like this. Neither one of us is even listening, we’re just s
creaming over each other and hurling insults. What the fuck was I thinking? I’m still yelling when I hear Glory start sobbing, falling to her knees with her head in her hands. It stops me in the middle of a tirade and pulls me back into reality as I remember that
I’m
the selfish fucking asshole here. I’m the shithead that’s been lying for months and leading her on. She hasn’t done anything to deserve this, not even close.

My footsteps are so loud compared to her whimpering as I walk over to her. I try to touch her but she slaps at me, crawling backwards as she cries harder than I’ve ever seen her cry.

“How could you do this to me?” she wails. I can’t believe how fucking devastated she is, I really didn’t expect this.

“It just happened.” I sit cross legged on the floor a few feet away from her, trying to be here for her and still give her space the way she’s done for me
so many times.

“Y
ou say it’s been going on the whole time but you’ve been a hermit since last winter and right before you came here, you were on a job. When did you get a chance to… Oh, my God.” Her hand flies to her mouth as I watch her put the puzzle pieces together. Fuck. “It’s Maya.” A smile crosses her face, but she is not amused in the slightest. I’ve seen that smile before. The one she wears when she’s about to make somebody pay.

I
try to keep my face as blank as possible, but my heart is pounding and my throat is twisting into a knot. “No, it’s someone else.”

“You are
such a shitty liar,” she laughs.

“N
o I swear, it’s not her. It’s—”

“How the hell did I miss this one
? It was right in front of my face,” she says to herself. “That’s why it took so long, that’s why she left him afterwards. And that’s where you are when you fall off the face of the fucking Earth, aren’t you?”

She knows. I can’t take it back now.
“Pretty much.”

“
Which means you’re not off reporting my every move to your father, are you?”

“What? No. Why the hell would I do that?”
I ask. Where the fuck did that come from?

“
And he really beat the shit out of you
just
for pissing me off?”

“As far as I know, yeah.”

“He doesn’t ask you who I’m talking to or what I’m doing?”

“No. I never talk to him
at all.”

“
God,” she spits in disgust, wrinkling her nose like there’s a foul smell in the room. “He is still hung up on me, isn’t he?”

“Oh, yeah.
Apparently some crushes never die.”

“What a fucking moron. He
honestly has no fucking idea?”

“
I
have no fucking idea what the hell you are talking about.”

Scoffing, she rises to her feet and since I have no clue what
I should be doing at this point, I follow her lead and get up myself. Why did she stop yelling? Should I ask? She’s just glaring at me in silence. Then she walks over to the bar and takes a shot. And another and another and another, her eyes shooting daggers in my direction. “I am so fucking mad at you and so fucking proud of you at the same time,” she finally says. “And I can’t tell if I’d rather slap you across the face or give you a hug. I’m very confused.”

“So am I.”

“I think the important thing to remember is that you didn’t really betray me.” It sounds like she’s talking more to herself than to me again.

“Um, I kind of did,” I remind her, ready to duck in case she throws that bottle at me
. “I was serious when I said that I love her.”

“Oh, I bet you do,” Glory snaps, downing another shot. “
You two
are just fucking
perfect
together.” She looks up at me with smile I do not understand, but I get the sense that she’s admonishing me. “I can’t believe you led me on like that, you little shit,” she chuckles, shaking her head. There was some jealously in that, but not much. Sort of like when I’d fuck around on her to get back at her for fucking around on me. It’s just a game. I’m not in trouble. “You are fucking lucky that I owe Maya Sheffield big time.
Really
fucking lucky.”

My heart
sputters before it stops beating entirely. I couldn’t have heard that right. “What?”

“
God
,” she exclaims. “How ironic is this?”

“Ironic?”
I whisper.

“
Obviously she didn’t tell you. Typical. Though it is my fault, I made it pretty clear that I didn’t want anything to do with her. And, being the little robot that she is, Maya would have interpreted that to mean that I didn’t
like
her. I just didn’t need a fucked up kid to mentor at the time. I didn’t realize that fate was going to give me one regardless of my plans. But really… I just didn’t want her around your father.”

It’s official. I’ve lost it. I’m probably in a
strait jacket tied to a bed at this very moment, but I’m too far gone to notice. It’s like one of those movies where the person in a coma is trapped in their own head and everyone they’re talking to is really a reflection of themselves. Fuck. How do I get out? Do I even want to get out?

“I should take a picture of your face right now, Isaac, I really should.”
Glory walks up and snaps her fingers in front of my eyes. “Hey. Don’t forget to breathe.”

“Is this seriously happening right now?”

“Yep.”

“You know
Maya?”

“Since she was a kid.”

“How?” This has to be a mistake. Glory wasn’t allowed to see my father back then. I’m sure they did, but he certainly wouldn’t have taken her anywhere official where he would have seen someone as important as Piper’s father. And there’s no way that Maya would have kept that from me, she… Oh fuck, Maya
definitely
would have kept that from me. Holy shit, this has been so much fucking harder on her than I realized.

Glory’s
smile fades to something darker as she lights up yet another cigarette. “It’s a pretty fucked up story, Isaac. Not my proudest moment by far. And if you love her as much as you say you do, you’re going to be
very
pissed off at me. Like I said, I owe her big time. Which fortunately for you, means you get a pass for being a world class fucking asshole.”

Dumbfounded, I amble over to the table she’s at and take the seat across from her. “So what the fuck happened?”

“Believe it or not, that isn’t very important right now.”

“Actually, it’s about the most important thing in the fucking world to me right now.”

“Well, isn’t that just adorable.” She rolls her eyes at me. “Close your eyes and enjoy this moment, because your life is about to get a lot more complicated and horrible.”

She’s got to be kidding.
“How is that even fucking possible?”

“Isaac…” Glory’s snarky tone disappears as her hands start to shake. “Baron is being investigated for human trafficking.
You
are being investigated for human trafficking. So was I, but I’ve been more than eager for the chance to roll on him for years. But not on you. And… I’m sorry, but a part of me thought that maybe… I just wasn’t sure. You didn’t honestly think I was
that
worried about you fucking somebody else, did you?”

“Yes
,” I try to say, but my mouth is too dry and nothing comes out so I nod. Glory gets me a bottle of water from the mini fridge. “I didn’t… I don’t…”

“You know where they come from, Isaac.”

“They’re working class girls that want rich boyfriends and get in over their heads.” I sure didn’t have to reach for that statement. I repeat it to myself quite frequently.

“
You don’t honestly believe that, do you?”

“Yes. Yeah, I fucking do b
ecause that’s who they fucking are. A lot of them are from New York.”

“Okay, maybe some of them, but—”

“No!” I shout. “All of them. At least all the ones I’ve ever… I’ve never…” But I have. I know I have. Not very often, but I have. I never let myself think about this shit, not even for a single moment. Because if that creeps into my mind for a fraction of a fucking second, this happens. My chest constricts until I can’t breathe and everything spins until I drop through the floor and don’t stop falling. And all I can see is the blank stare on their faces, those eyes that are so well trained to never meet mine. There is nothing behind them. Nothing. They’re just shells, they’re barely human. There is just something different about them, they’re so perfectly trained, so incredibly obedient. They don’t gossip like the other girls and I don’t think that I’ve ever seen one smile.