Desire (41 page)

FUCK!!!!!
“And if it doesn’t work out…”

“T
hen no hard feelings. At least we tried.”
No, we aren’t going to try jack shit!
“Maybe you’ll inspire me to fall in love with my counterpart, some well-preserved geezer like me who can’t fuck me until my brittle hips break.”

Now we’re talking.
“Like Roger?” I suggest.
Please, for the love of God, be harboring some secret unrequited longing for Roger that I can direct this towards. Please.

“F
uck Roger,” she snaps.
Could this get any worse?
“No way in hell I’m staying alive to stroke his ego.”

“Y
ou know that’s how this works, right?”

“F
uck that philosophy, too. Topping from the bottom needs to be an officially recognized orientation and it needs a better name.”
Okay, this we can actually agree on.
“It’s not like I’m unwilling to compromise. He is. I’m a giver. But he gets what he wants and I’m left unsatisfied and skeeved out? I don’t fucking think so. It’s a game, one that he takes it way too seriously. I like what I like, I want what I want, and I’m too fucking old to apologize for any of it or ‘
finally realize
’ that I’d be happier giving up everything awesome about myself and my life to put someone else first because I get off in a kinky way. Nobody expects that shit from high powered male subs. They get to custom order whatever they fucking want and everyone accepts that it is just sex.”

“Yeah, that is a bunch of bullshit.” The weirdest part about this entire conversation is that I actually wish Maya was here, at least for
some of it.

“
I have a fucking life to live. I’m not getting anyone a fucking drink unless I want to, and the more bullshit they attach to that, the less likely I’ll want to do it. I want release, I like to disappear. I can’t do it outside of the bedroom and you always hated that shit too. Why do you think we work so well together?”

But I’m already doing that with someone else.
“I’m not sure this is going to work out. I just don’t think we’re compatible anymore.”

“It’s not like I want to be your girlfriend, Isaac. That is
not
what I’m getting at,” she says. I somehow manage to turn a sigh of relief into a yawn.

“I hate those parties.”

“But you like to dance,” she whines. “You don’t have to stay that late anymore. And I’ll make it up to you. We can cuddle on the couch or something if that’s your foreplay now.”

Well
, that fucking backfired. “If you’re not into it, I don’t want to.”

“Fair enough. We don’t have to do the rough stuff. All you have to do is show up, Isaac. You have been such a fucking tease
to have around the house. You’re hotter than ever. It’s like being on a low carb diet and living next to a bakery. I want a taste already. So do you.”
No, I don’t.
“Let’s just see how it goes. And if you panic like you did the last time we fucked around… I won’t take it so personally. We’ll take a break. But it’s not like you can be celibate for the rest of your life. Better to freak out with me than someone who doesn’t know what the hell is going on.”

That would make a ton of sense if I wasn’t a total fucking liar.
“This is a lot to think about. I, um, need a little time.”

“
Damn right you do. You’re majorly fucked up. Medically. I don’t mean—”

“I know.”
And yes, you do.
“But I’m fine, I feel pretty good. You know, medically.”

“Y
eah, but… okay I need some time too, this freaked me the hell out. Maybe there’s a good 5% maternal instinct left in here for you because… I am not ready to jump in bed with you yet. At all. You’ll get your time. I don’t want to force it anyway.” Am I agreeing to something right now? Holy shit. Glory gets up and pats my shoulder, smiling down at me before she walks toward the door. “And scars are hot, by the way, so don’t let that get you down.”

“Thanks.”

“Ease up on the ice cream though, seriously. Don’t get fat. It would be such a shame.”

And apparently the only move I have left. What the hell am I going to do now?

49

Maya

The phone rings. I don’t think I’m going to check it. It rings all the time, but he’s not calling. I’m just experiencing an auditory hallucination again and I need to get used to living with that. But what if I’m wrong and I miss the only call I’ll ever get? So, like I always do, I start scrambling to get over there by ring number three, steeling myself for the disappointment of a blank screen. Not this time. I guess the hallucinations are visual now. Great.

“Hello?”

“Maya,” Isaac gasps, his breathing far too labored to be healthy. “Hi.”

Is this actually happening or have I finally lost my frigging mind? “Isaac?”

“It’s me, baby.”

“Oh, my God
,” I gasp. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah. I’m fine, all healed up. I am sorry
it took so long to call you.”

“It’s alright. Where are you?”

“Random ass forest preserve. I can’t tell you which one.”

“It’s been a long time since you’ve said that.”

“Yeah, it has,” he laughs. “I didn’t run off or anything. Everything’s the same.”

“Did you figure out who hurt you?”

“It was him. There was a misunderstanding.”

“That was one hell of a misunderstanding.”

“Yeah, it was. How’d you do on your finals?”

“Outstanding,
” I tell him truthfully.

“Of course you did. Are you enjoying your winter break so far?”

No. It’s been less than a week and I’m miserable because I can’t keep myself busy.
“It’s okay.” I won’t even bother asking if he can see me.

“I’m
losing my mind too.”

“You sound really shaky, Isaac.”

“Yeah… Maya I don’t know what I should do. I’m… running out of options here.”

“I know.”

“Glory’s spy saw me take you upstairs at the club that night.”

“Seriousl
y?” I whisper. Holy shit. I should have told him the truth myself.

“She doesn’t know it’s you
. I told her I was with one of Sloane’s girls.”

“So the monk thing flew out the window, huh?”

“More or less. But she wasn’t really mad.”

“So what does
that mean?” Why did I even ask? I already know.

“I didn’t sleep with her.”

“Should you?” I ask, unable to hide the relief in my voice.

“I…” He chokes back a sob at the same time I do
, so hopefully he didn’t hear mine.

“It’s okay, Isaac.”

“No, it’s not fucking okay. It is the exact fucking opposite of okay,” he snaps. “All I have left are incredibly shitty choices and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what you want me to do. I don’t know if I could actually go through with any of them. And I…” He trails off and I scramble for something to say to him, but I can’t come up with anything. We just sit on the phone for a long time in silence, listening to the each other shift around.

“I miss you, Isaac. I love you.”

“Me too,” he whispers. “Maya, do you think you’d still love me if I… did that.”

“Yes,” I answer in heartbeat. “Absolutely. No question about it.”

“Are you sure?”

“Of course.”

“Because… Maya if I disappear, I disappear. Forever. That’s it. I can’t take you with, I just can’t, because if he finds us and he will… I’m not getting you killed. I’m not dragging you to some slum. And honestly without you, I really have no desire to go. What the fuck is the point? To come back in twenty fucking years when he’s fucking dead? Assholes like that hang on forever.”

“
What if you just told her about us?”
Would it make a difference if she knew it was me? It probably would, but I can’t figure out if it would be positive or if it would make it that much worse. What if she hates me?

“I’ve thought about that. A lot. I think there is a possibility that might work, but if it doesn’t… Gloria
is incredibly volatile when she’s jealous and angry. She could tell Luke. She could tell my Dad. I don’t know how she’d react.”
Neither do I.
“But I think if things didn’t work out between me and her, which they obviously won’t, and then somehow I run into you again and we reconnected… I think she’d be happy for me. She knows how much I want a normal life, and she’ll know for sure after we... But Glory does not tolerate betrayal. I’ve been going behind her back for almost six months here. That’s quite a bit to forgive. I just don’t know.”

“How long until it doesn’t work out and we reconnect?”
I still can’t believe this is actually happening.

“Probably a year. At least.
”

“That’s not so bad.”

“That’s a fucking eternity.”

“Never
is a fucking eternity, Isaac. This is more like a prison sentence.”

“Yeah, that’s what it feels like. The ironic part is, I’d be able to see you the whole time because she’d be off my back, but I don’t
think I could handle it. I don’t think you could handle it either.”

“I might be…” As soon as I start to say it, I know it isn’t true. I wouldn’t. That would be fucking horrible. It might ruin everything between us. “
I don’t know.”

“Do you honest
ly think you could forgive me?”

“You aren’t
doing anything wrong. I’d get over it.”

“You can fuck around on me the whole time, if you want,” he
suggests in the quiet little kid voice. I can’t stop myself from imagining what he looks like right now, I know it’s awful.

“That will just make me feel worse. I don’t want to do that to you. I’ll wait.”

“It, um, won’t be all the time. The whole point is for her to lose interest and keep feeling sorry for me. I don’t want you to think it’s going to be this big fuckfest. I’ll freak out and need a break, try again, then—”

“I don’t really need to know the details
,” I cut him off, doing my best not to sound cold. “Just do what you have to do.”

“I haven’t made a decision
yet. I can’t believe I’m even considering this and… honestly there’s a slim chance it will work out anyway. I’m not sure it’s worth it to put us both through that hell. I think I’d rather try something more extreme.”

“Such as…”

“I think I might OD on purpose.”

“What?”

“Yeah, do the whole nervous breakdown thing. I don’t think I’ll even have to fake it at this point, to be honest with you,” he chuckles.

“Isaac, no. That is too dangerous.”

“Yeah, I know, that’s kind of why I’m telling you about it. If it all goes to shit… I don’t want you to think I actually killed myself.”

Am I seriously hearing this? I think my heart is going to explode. “Isaac, please try the other way.”

“I don’t want to.”

“I know you don’t want
to, that’s why I’m okay with it,” I assure him.

“I think this is better.”

“No, this is definitely not better. At all. Just fuck her already and get it over with.”

“I can’t do that do
to you. I just can’t.”

“Yes, you can. Holy shit, you can’t c
heck yourself into a psych ward. What if they don’t let you out?”

“I’ll get out. And I’d prefer that prison.”

Maybe he really is losing it. His voice is so distant, he sounds unhinged. “Well, I wouldn’t. Isaac, it’s just sex. Underwhelm her for a while and be done with it. We’ll be fine.”

“I really think this is better.”

“No, it’s not. You could fucking kill yourself.” I’m trying to use my whiny voice on him, but I don’t think it’s going to work.

“I won’t. So when Jace freaks the fuck
out, and he will, don’t worry okay?”

“How the hell do I not worry?”

“Because it will work.”

“No, it won’t. She’ll want to take care of you afterwards and this all starts over again.”

Isaac growls and I hear a loud thud. The last thing his body needs right now is for him to rage out. “I think we’re fucked, Rookie. I really do. I’m sorry I let you down. I never should have tried. Anything seemed possible when we were in that apartment. I don’t know what I was thinking, I guess I forgot who I am. It was wrong to get your hopes up. Our hopes up. I never should have let you get out of your car that night,” he groans. “I shouldn’t have taken you there. I shouldn’t have stayed with you after you figured it all out.”

“Isaac, calm down.”

“I shouldn’t have let you fall in love with me when I knew there wasn’t any fucking way I could get away from this life. Once you’re in, you can’t get out. I keep trying to figure out if there’s a way I could… get rid of him. But I don’t want to risk getting caught now that I have you. And… Maya, I don’t even think I could go through with it. After everything he’s fucking done, I still… He’s still… And my brothers… Plus, there are so many high powered people, I’d be exposing so many secrets… It will all just blow up in my face,” he rambles. “I want you so much. I love you
so much
. I’ll do anything. I just can’t figure out what to do.”

“Baby, just calm down.”

“I have to do something. I don’t give up, that’s how I made it this far. And if it is being with her again… do you want me to tell you?”

“Yes. Now that you’ve detailed all these other horrible options, I’d really like to know you made the sanest choice. And maybe when you’re in the middle one of those breaks… I’d like to see you,” I tempt him.

“Really?”

“You said it first. I’ll
take you any way I can get you,” I remind him. He doesn’t answer me for a long time. “Do you think I could see you sooner than that?”

“No. If I do… I won’t be able to go through with it if I see you first.”

“That’s fine. Please don’t hurt yourself, Isaac.”

“Is this really what you think I should do?”

“Of course it is. This was always your plan before I came into the picture, right?”

“Yes.”

“Because you know her and you know him and it’s the only way, isn’t it?”

“I think so.”

“Then it’s the best option. I will still want you afterwards, I promise.”

“I’ll think about it.”

I spend the next few minutes painting him a picture of what it could be like when it’s all over. It is nearly impossible to hang up the phone because I have no idea if I’m ever going to hear from him again. That was possibly the most insane conversation I’ve ever had. I should be used to it, but his fucked up life just gets more and more fucked up.

Once the numbness wears off, I break down. Fuck it. I’m done
trying to keep it together. So for the next three days, Piper and AJ tip toe around me as I shamble through the house like a zombie. I can’t sleep, I keep picturing them in bed together. His hands roaming her body, his lips on hers, her mouth on him. On some level, he’ll hate it when he slides inside her. But he’ll enjoy it too, it will feel good. Like it will when he comes in her. Will he use the same tricks on her that he uses on me? Of course he will, don’t be stupid. I wonder if they’ll cuddle afterwards. I’m pretty sure he’ll sleep alone. All the rest of it makes me so fucking jealous I can’t breathe, but that part is so horribly depressing it’s unbearable. I don’t want him to be alone and hating himself all night. I hope he just gets high and passes out cold.

It shouldn’t be this hard. This shouldn’t
be possible, one person shouldn’t have this much control over other people. You always hear about how the rich and powerful can do whatever the hell they want, but it’s abstract, it doesn’t seem real. This sick fuck has had a gun to Isaac’s head since he was a kid and there’s nothing anyone can do about it. How the fuck can that happen? I guess that’s why they call it getting away with murder.