Better Than Okay (21 page)

Chapter 17

Wednesday,
11:49 p.m.

I
did some research. Every two minutes in the U.S. someone is sexually assaulted.
And now I’m one of them. I never thought I would be. Lately I’ve been dividing
my life up into two eras: Before Rape and After Rape. It’s depressing, but
true. I feel like two totally different people— B.R. Destiny and A.R.
Destiny. B.R. Destiny was far from perfect, but I could deal with her. A.R.
Destiny is an emotionally handicapped basket case who says, “fuck” way too
often and spazzes out at the drop of a dime. I don’t like her very much, but I
don’t know how to get B.R. Destiny back.
 
Honestly, I’m starting to doubt she’ll ever come back. I started solo
counseling with Vanessa today, twice a week. I actually accidentally called her
Vanessa during the session. She looked at me like I was mildly retarded but
pulled it together pretty quickly. I didn’t bother with an explanation. Anyway,
after my drunken panic attack, alcohol-induced attempted seduction with Brian, and
beach flip-out, I’ve decided maybe I could use her. Lord knows I’m fucked up
enough. That’s probably bad… me writing “fucked up” and “Lord” in the same
sentence. But fuck it. A.R. Destiny seriously doubts that God cares. I think I
just wanted to be able to control when and with who I had sex. I was a 23
year-old virgin after all, which is pretty damn unheard of. Aside from the fact
that I never really have been in a very serious relationship I didn’t want to
just have random sex just to have it. Ya know? I wanted to wait. I guess I just
wanted to save myself for… someone. And he took that from me. And I hate him
for it. Sometimes it gets so heavy to just inhale. Like it takes all of the
energy I have. Sometimes it feels like he took my ability to just be. To just
smile at something randomly in those quiet moments when there’s not even
necessarily anything funny happening. Except when I’m with Brian. It’s easier
to breathe when I’m with him. Easier to smile. Easier to be. So anyways,
tonight was my first session. I had to leave work right at 5:30 to make it.
Gabe is out of town, not that he would’ve cared anyway. My work is done,
barely. But Philly had to be a bitch about it, questioning me about stories and
edits that she knew I’d already made. I sort of wanted to tell her everything
so that she would realize what a douchebag she is (can a girl be a douchebag?).
Of course, I didn’t. Anyways, I think I like these one-on-one sessions better
than the group ones. It seems like less random motivational speaking or
something, even though we really haven’t talked about a whole lot. She did tell
me that what happened wasn’t sex though. Reminded me of Brian. Made me think
maybe he Googled it or something. The more I think about it, I’m pretty much
positive he did. I feel shitty that he even has to Google things like that to
deal with me. Or A.R. Destiny. Or whoever the fuck I am now. Things have pretty
much gone back to how they were pre-vodka night between us. I mean, I feel
closer to him now than ever before, but still kind of far apart. I guess I just
mean he’s still a little hesitant around me and I’m still a little afraid to go
too far with him.
 
I can’t flip out
like that again. I can’t. I don’t want him to ever see me like that again. Who
would want to deal with that shit on a regular basis? No one. I hope I don’t
scare him away before we get a chance to have a normal relationship. Because I
love him. So much. It’s weird to write that. But I do. Even if I can’t tell
him.

Chapter 18

Destiny leaned back in her chair, staring unseeingly at the
computer screen. Her body was physically at her work desk, but her mind was far
away. She was having a hard time concentrating at work today and it was
irritating.

Vanessa had warned her at their third one-on-one session yesterday
to not get down on
herself
if she had a panic-attack,
or had a hard time controlling her thoughts. She said she shouldn’t put that
kind of pressure on herself.
 
She
just had to take it day by day. And today sucked.

She was remembering too much. She was agitated with Philly and her
non-stop badgering. Even the intern, Lina, was on her nerves. She’d had to
apologize for snapping at her earlier this morning when she’d only asked a
simple question about an interview Destiny was guiding her through. She sighed
just as the alert from her chat box dinged in her headphones.

Hi.

She automatically smiled at the message from Brian. He didn’t chat
with her a lot while he was at work because he was always so busy.

Hi.

She almost put a smiley face after it but restrained herself.

How are you today?

I’m good.

She sighed and frowned, leaning her head back against her chair.
She was glad he couldn’t see her because he’d immediately know that she was
lying and she didn’t want to burden him at work with her issues.

So you’re not frowning right now?

She shook her head. Apparently his perception extended through the
freaking Internet. She grinned slightly.

I'm smiling now.

Good. I like it when you smile.

I never knew you were such a
romantic sap.

She pictured him chuckling deeply, before his lips fell into a
half-grin.

I’m a sap because I like seeing
you smile?

No. But…

But
what?
Your smile turns me on.

She grinned a little wider.

Does it?

Yes. I really, really like your
lips… And your eyes. And your hips.
And your thighs.

She smiled wider, shifting in her chair.
That rhymed
.

I know. What are you wearing?

She chuckled aloud and glanced around. Lina was in the cubicle
across from her, but she was hunched over at her desk, jotting on a bright
yellow legal pad.

Are you about to try to sext me?
I’m pretty positive that’s against company policy.

No. I just miss you today.

I miss you too. You should’ve
come over last night.

She hit send then felt a tinge of guilt.
 
He was working late
again yesterday and by the time he got home and called her, he was so exhausted
she convinced him to stay home and rest.

I wanted to.

I know. It’s cool.
Me and Raven
watched Purple Rain.

LOL. I don’t feel so bad for not
coming over now.

You love Prince.

Nah. I love you though.

Her heart started beating a little harder and she grinned wider.

Come’ere
.

Huh?

 
She
automatically looked around the drab office and frowned.

Come’ere
.

Huh? Are you here?
 

You ask too many questions. Come.
Here.

She smiled and pulled off her headphones, clicking out the screen.
She took a quick glance at her dimmed reflection in her computer screen,
smoothing stray strands of her curly hair back into a ponytail. She washed it
last night and wasn’t wearing it straight today. She pulled her lip-gloss out
of her back pocket when she stood and dabbed her lips as she made her way to
the front, smiling at the thought of seeing him.

“I’m going to lunch,” she told Gabe as she passed by his office.

He nodded and waved a hand at her, still gabbing on the phone. She
waved to Sherry the receptionist, and pushed open the front doors, sliding her
sunglasses down over her eyes immediately.

It took her about two seconds to spot Brian, leaning comfortably
against his black Charger. He had on khakis and a dark blue short-sleeved
button-up and her heartbeat accelerated on sight. He was so damned
good-looking. She walked over and stopped when she was right in front of him.
He looked down at her, grinning.

“I didn’t know you were coming,” she said, tilting her head up to
look at him. “I thought you were gonna be busy at work today?”

“I am,” he said. “But like I said, I missed you.”

She smiled, biting her lip.

"I hope you were typing from the parking lot this entire
time,” she said, stepping a little closer. He smelled so good. “It’s dangerous
to text and drive.”

He sighed exaggeratedly, his half-grin still in place.

“I see you still haven’t learned the proper way to greet me yet,”
he teased.

She smiled. “You said you were going to show me, remember?”

He pulled her solidly against him and leaned down, his lips
centimeters from hers. She inhaled, her body immediately on fire. He trailed
his hands around her backside, squeezing her butt as he pressed her against
him.

 
“Make sure you pay
close attention,” he teased, smiling seductively, “I don’t want you to forget
next time.”

She nodded, but just barely. She was like clay in his hands
whenever she was this close to him, and he knew it. She was waiting for him to
close the distance between their mouths when she heard her name being called.

She sighed and turned around, watching as Lina ambled toward them.

“Sorry, Destiny,” she said. The words came out like one syllable
because she talked so fast. “My lunch date stood me up so I was going to see if
I could come with you but I didn’t know that you were already going with
someone.”

Destiny managed a smile, even though her body was still thrumming
with desire.

“It’s cool,” she offered, half-heartedly. She stepped out of
Brian’s arms. Lina was studying him with unbridled interest.

“This is Brian,” Destiny told her. She hesitated. Should she call
him her boyfriend? That didn’t seem adequate. Her love? Her life? That would be
more accurate at least. Lina’s eyes widened and snapped back to Destiny’s. The
girl had no idea what being subtle meant.

“Hi, Brian,” Lina said, smiling. “I’m Lina. Nice to meet you.”

She twirled a stand of her auburn hair around her finger and eyed
him appreciatively again before looking back and forth between the two of them.
“I’ve heard
a lot
about you.”

Heat spread to Destiny’s cheeks. The way she said it made it sound
like she did nothing all day but gush about him or something. His name had come
up a couple of times in conversation, but Lina barely knew any of her personal
business. She deliberately kept her life separate from work. Lina was still
smiling goofily at him.

Brian grinned and arched an eyebrow at Destiny who rolled her
eyes. His expression was amused.

“Nice to meet you too, Lina.”

“So what happened?” Destiny asked Lina, shifting her weight. “You
said your lunch date stood you up?”

The early afternoon heat and humidity was starting to get to her
and she pulled at her tight-fitting white V-neck t-shirt, wishing she hadn’t
worn jeans today.

“Yes, after asking me out like, twenty times, too.” Lina rolled
her eyes, her small features scrunching up into a pout.

Destiny frowned sympathetically and glanced at Brian, who nodded
at her slightly.

“You can come with us if you want,” he offered.

Destiny could tell he was trying to hide his disappointment, even
if Lina couldn’t. Lina’s eyes immediately brightened.

“Really? You don’t mind?” she asked, already heading toward the
passenger door.

Brian smiled and shook his head, dropping a quick kiss on
Destiny’s forehead.

“Remind me to show you later,” he whispered in her ear before
opening the door for her.

Destiny grinned and nodded obediently. Lina smiled at the exchange
and glanced at Destiny knowingly. She shook her head and slid into the car.

* * *

“Thanks so much for lunch,” Lina gushed from the backseat for the
hundredth time when they pulled back to the front of
UMusic’s
office nearly an hour later.

You’d think he’d bought her a Maybach instead of six-dollar
sandwich, the way she was acting.

“No problem,” he said amicably, grinning at her charmingly. Lina
blushed. Not that Destiny could blame her. She figured you’d have to be dead to
not respond to him. And even that was debatable.

“I’ll catch up with you inside, OK?” Destiny told her as Lina
opened the door.

“Okay,” Lina smiled. “Bye, Brian. It was really nice meeting you.”

Brian nodded and grinned as she finally slipped out of the car,
closing the door quickly so the air-conditioning wouldn’t escape its small
confines.

“Thanks for being cool with her going to lunch,” Destiny said,
shifting toward him in her seat. “I know she’s a lot.”

Lina
had talked non-stop, filling Brian in on practically every aspect
of her life. By the time they were finished with their forty minute lunch,
Destiny was pretty sure he knew the names of all of her siblings, where she’d
attended high school, what guys she was currently dating, and the name of her
cat.

He shrugged. “She was cool. A little talkative. But she seems all
right.”

“I’m glad you came today,” she said after a long second. “I was
drowning in there. I feel better now though.”

He smiled slightly. “Glad I could be of service.” The playfulness
left his eyes and he looked at her. “I didn’t get to ask how your session went
yesterday.”

He always asked about her counseling sessions. He’d even taken her
a few times.
 

She shrugged. “It was… I dunno. Like it always is, I guess.” She
paused, looking away from him as he studied her face. There was a woman and a
teenager that was probably her son walking into the dentist office next door to
UMusic
.

“I keep waiting for some dramatic breakthrough to happen,” she
confessed, still watching the mother and son as they crossed the parking lot.
“Like, for some blinding light to hit me and miraculously cure me and swipe my
brain free of any memories from that night… make me able to breathe normally
again.”

She sighed and looked back to him, smiling weakly. She hadn’t
meant to say that.

“I wish it did happen that way, love,” he said softly, leaning the
back of his head against the headrest as he turned to meet her eyes. A couple
of seconds ticked by. “Sometimes it seems like the things we want to forget are
the things we remember the most clearly.” He shrugged. “I dunno. I don’t think
it’s about forgetting. Maybe it’s just about living. You know? Living in spite
of… living anyway.”

She bit her lip and twisted her hands in her lap. She wondered if
one day she’d be able to do that. Right now it felt like she was just going
through the motions, getting through the days.

They sat in silence for a few long seconds and Brian reached over
and intertwined his fingers with hers.

“I guess I better go back inside,” she sighed wistfully. “I’m sure
Philly is counting every second that I’ve been out of the building.”

“I told you to ignore her,” he chided.

“I’m trying,” she said, pulling her hand free and reaching for the
door.

“Hold on,” Brian said suddenly, halting her. She turned to look at
him questioningly.

“I have something for you.”

He reached into his console and pulled out two tickets and handed
them to her.

“These are concert tickets,” she said unnecessarily, looking up at
him. “To The Foreign Exchange.”

He didn’t say anything, just watched her silently. She knew what
he was doing. She hadn’t been to a concert since Connor Dorsey happened. He
also knew that The Foreign Exchange was currently her favorite group and she’d
been dying for them to come to town. But that was before.

“It’s tonight,” he said, when she just kept staring at the
tickets. “Will you go with me?”

She bit her lip and looked at him, hesitation and fear circling in
her chest.

“I’ll be with you the whole time,” he said quietly.

She looked away and he didn’t speak until she met his eyes again.