Better Than Okay (24 page)

“Destiny?” She looked up to see Jason standing at her window.

She took a deep breath, trying to calm herself then finally opened
the door. She couldn’t break down in front of him. She inhaled again, as subtly
as she could, and pushed the air back out of her nostrils.

“Car won’t crank?” he asked, his expression concerned.

She shook her head. She didn’t trust herself to talk. Thank God
she had her sunglasses on, hiding her eyes.

“I can give you a ride,” he offered, easily, his brow still
wrinkled.

She nodded again. “Thanks, Jason,” she managed.

She followed him to his jeep and he helped her up before jogging
around to his side. It smelled like Febreeze and weed. She gave him her address
and he put it in his navigation system, rambling about Scoop and how messed up
the entire situation with
UMusic
was.
She barely heard a word though. She just hoped she was nodding at the
appropriate moments but she couldn’t even bring herself to fully care about
whether or not she was accomplishing the task.

She thanked him for the ride when they pulled up to her complex
fifteen minutes later and hopped out. Her brain was already shutting down. The
numbness was finally winning out over her thoughts and all she wanted to do was
sleep. She pushed her way into her cool apartment, vaguely thinking that she
probably wouldn’t be able to afford air conditioning anymore, in the event that
she was able to actually keep her apartment, and threw her bag on the floor
next to the futon.

She somehow made her way back to her room, stripping out of her
jeans as she did so. She fell onto her bed, chest heaving, eyes full of tears
that couldn’t fall and closed her eyes, letting the numbness take completely
over.

* * *

Her phone was ringing again. This time she didn’t even bother
looking when she hit the button on the side of the phone, muting the loud,
incessant ringing. She rolled over, letting the numbness take her under again.

* * *

“Destiny.”

Someone was shaking her shoulder. She couldn’t bring herself to be
alarmed that it meant that someone was in her house, in her bedroom, at her
bed. She had no idea how long she’d been sleep.

“Hey,” she mumbled, opening her eyes just briefly to see Brian
standing over her, frowning worriedly.

She felt the bed indent next to her and he pulled the covers away
from her face. She sighed and rolled over to her back, regretfully opening her
eyes again.

“What’s going on?” he asked, his eyes full of concern.

“What time is it?” She blinked her eyes.
 
They were so heavy.

“Nine-thirty.”

“How’d you get in here?”

“Dorian’s key.”

She closed her eyes again and rolled over, turning away from him.
He put a hand on her shoulder, gently rolling her back to face him.

“What’s going on, Destiny? Your mom called me freaking out when
she couldn’t reach you. I’ve been calling you non-stop.”

He stared at her, waiting for her to respond.

“I lost my job. Or we lost our jobs. The magazine closed and now
I’m jobless with no job.”

He ran a hand over his head and sighed heavily. “I’m sorry, baby.”

He gently brushed her hair back out of her face. She sat up,
moving away from his touch, resting her back against the headboard. She knew he
was trying to be comforting, but his caring and compassion was having the
opposite effect. He studied her, his expression unreadable.

“Oh, and my car broke down.”

He immediately frowned. “Where is it?”

“Parked in front of the building of the job that I no longer work
at.”

He sighed again and shook his head. “How’d you get home?” he
asked, finally.

“One of my coworkers, Jason, gave me a ride. Actually, I don’t
have a co-worker anymore, so never mind.”

He ran a hand over his head again. “Well, I’ll have the car towed
here. I can take a look at it. It may be something I can fix.”
 

His uncle Alfred was the local fix-it man and she knew he’d picked
up some stuff along the way.

“That’s okay,” she said, shaking her head. “Towing is expensive.”

She slid back down into the bed and pulled the covers over herself
again.

She heard him sigh.

“Let me handle that,” he said.

“No, Brian, for real. I don’t need you ‘handling that’ for me. You
have enough shit to deal with and I don’t want you dealing with my shit too.”

She still hadn’t turned to face him and her voice was muffled
under the covers.

“Let me decide what I can deal with,” he countered, calmly. “It’s
nothing to have your car towed, Destiny. You should’ve called me earlier when
all of this was happening.”

“Why? Why do you choose to stay around and deal with the continual
shit-fest that has become my life?” She violently threw the covers off and sat
up, staring at him. “Why? Because you ‘want me’?” she taunted, mocking his
earlier words.

His eyes grew dark and he stared at her silently.

“What is it about me that makes you ‘want me’ so much, Brian? Like
seriously? Because to be honest, I don’t even know who the fuck I am right now,
so you couldn’t possibly know!”

She was yelling at this point, unable to control the words from
falling recklessly from her lips.

“And my life just keeps getting more and more fucked up with every
passing week and I just keep bringing more and more shit into your life that,
let’s face it, neither one of us are equipped to deal with! So what, huh? What
is it about me that you could possibly want
!?
”

She stopped, her chest heaving. He just sat there calmly, staring
at her, his expression muted. She hated his damned calm.

“Everything,” he said softly, so that she barely heard it, the one
word breaking her completely.

“You need to leave,” she breathed, speaking as coolly as she
could. Numbness. She had to keep it together.

“Destiny…” he started.

“No, I’m serious. Leave! Just leave, for real, okay? I can’t be
responsible for your feelings when I can’t even fucking handle my own, okay?”

He started to reach for her but she jerked away.

“Leave! Leave!” she screamed at the top of her lungs.

He studied her for a long moment then slowly backed up off of the
bed and headed out of her room. She jumped up and ran and slammed the bedroom
door, causing it to rattle violently.

Her chest was heaving and tears were stinging at her eyes when she
climbed back into the bed. She was utterly and completely drained and her chest
felt like it might explode. She closed her eyes again and tried to get the
numbness to return. She didn’t want to care about anything anymore.

 
* * *

She awoke with a start. She was choking. Literally. She tried to
cough, tried to dislodge whatever was stuck in her throat, impeding her ability
to breathe but nothing would come out. She inhaled, frantically grabbing at her
comforter and tried to push the air out. Finally, it broke lose. A long,
bellowing wail that started from deep in her stomach had finally freed itself
from her.

It came again, this time in a violent wave, the broken cry she
released nothing like anything she’d ever heard before and she couldn’t wrap
her mind around the fact that it was her making the noise. She was choking
again, sobs racking her entire body, shaking her very core. The tears that had
been threatening to fall in the weeks since that night were here now, and they
weren’t stopping. She cried out again—a soul-wrenching noise, her body
engulfed by the pain in her chest, the tears seemingly knowing no end. Every
breath she sucked in came back out as a wail as the sobs completely overtook
her, pulling her under.

Then he was there.

She didn’t know when or how, just that he was there, holding her,
not letting her go, not letting her drown in herself, holding her up.

She cried until her throat was raspy. Until her body could produce
no more tears.

Until she was empty.

Chapter 21

Thursday,
5:13 a.m.

I
cried for the first time since Connor Dorsey happened. It felt like I’d never
stop. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about why everything that has happened to
me has happened. I haven’t come up with anything satisfying. I guess I could
try to come up with some insightful theory or philosophy or something to
explain this. But it doesn’t seem sufficient, or real. I guess some things,
even terrible things, just… happen. And you just have to survive. And sometimes
it’s not whether or not you survive, but HOW you survive. I guess that might be
the thing that makes you the person you are. How you survive.

She closed her journal and ran her fingers through her hair before
pushing herself up from the closed toilet seat. She went to the mirror and
studied herself. She looked just as terrible as she imagined. Her eyes were
puffy and swollen, her face was streaked with dried tears and mascara. Her hair
was a mess. She placed her journal on the back of the toilet, took off her
clothes and turned on the shower.

Ten minutes later she crept quietly back into her bedroom. Brian
was in her bed lying on his side, his arm bent under his head. She stared at
him, wondering what she’d done to deserve him. She tried pushing him away but
he was always there, always patient with her, always loving her. And when she’d
broken down last night, finally crying until she had no more tears left in her,
he was there again. He obviously had never left even after she’d yelled at him
to leave.

She walked over and slid soundlessly into the bed next to him. He
stirred, opening his eyes slightly. He didn’t ask her if she was okay. He just
ran his fingers lightly down her face and then pulled her to him, wrapping her
in his arms.

She breathed into his
neck,
her arms
folded between their bodies, pressing into her chest and felt the sting of
tears in her eyes. She’d thought she’d cried every tear out of her body, but
she realized she was wrong when she felt them sliding uncontrollably down her
cheeks again.

She pushed herself closer to him. He held her tighter, and she
buried her face in his neck, her shoulders shaking as she sobbed. Finally,
after what seemed like forever, the tears stopped coming and she slept.

* * *

Hey. Had to go to work. I would’ve left you my
car, but you were knocked out and I thought you should sleep. I’ll try to get
off early. Don’t forget to call your mom. I love you, cutie pie. More than____.
Fill in the blank with whatever you want and it’ll be true.

B

She stared at the note he’d scribbled on one of the notepads she’d
taken from
UMusic
and smiled. She
called her mom and told her she was alright before making the excuse that she
had to go finish a freelance article she was working on and getting off of the
phone. Then she put her phone on silent, turned on Stevie Wonder’s “Visions,”
so that it vibrated throughout the apartment, climbed back into bed and went to
sleep.

She didn’t know what time it was when she finally pushed the
covers off of her legs and scurried to use the bathroom. She brushed her teeth,
but didn’t bother with her hair, and grabbed her journal off the back of the
toilet and carried it with her to bed.

Thursday,
sometime in the afternoon, I guess.

I
just had a dream about Barnes and Noble. I remember when I was 13 I used to
hang out there all of the time. All of my friends thought I was weird because
every time we went to the mall to hang out, I’d leave them to go to Barnes and
Noble while they walked around trying to get boys to notice them. I’d sit on
the floor in one of the back aisles and just read for like, hours. It was
relaxing and comforting. It helped me not have to think about whatever it was I
didn’t feel like thinking about at the time. I could escape there and be okay.
Brian is my Barnes and Noble.

*
* *

She was awakened to the sound of the front door rattling. She
reluctantly opened her eyes and stretched before curling herself back into a
ball, the blanket securely over her head. A second later the blanket was gone
and the cool air of the room swooshed over her.

“You been in bed all day?”

She opened her eyes again, squinting at the light that was pouring
through her blinds. Brian was hovering over her, frowning. She flopped onto her
back and stared at him. There wasn’t really any point in answering. He knew the
answer. He sat down next to her and brushed her hair back.

“Did you eat?”

She shook her head, although she was sure he probably knew the
answer to that too.

“How many showers today?”

She looked at him then rubbed her eyes. “Just one, early this
morning.”

He nodded. In satisfaction, she guessed.

“Alright, well there’s a milkshake in the refrigerator. I’ll be
downstairs.”

He brushed a finger on the tip of her nose and stood. She nodded
and grabbed her phone, rolling over to her side when he left the room. It was
already four-fifteen. She covered her head back up, fully prepared to go back
to sleep. She’d just closed her eyes when she heard noises coming from outside.
It hadn’t even dawned on her to ask why he was going downstairs. She peered out
of the window and saw her car had been dropped off.
 

She pulled on some shorts and brushed her hair up into a bun
before slipping on her flip-flops heading to her front door and quickly jogging
down
the stairs. Being holed up all day, she’d
forgotten how hot it was and the heat hit her instantly, entering her skin and
sticking to it like saran wrap. She walked down the stairs toward her car.
Brian had the hood popped and was fiddling around with the wires. He looked
over at her as if he expected her to be standing there.

“I think it’s your alternator.”

“Is it serious?” Her throat was dry and raspy. She put a hand to
her eyes to block the sun and shifted her weight.

“Nope. I can fix it.” He glanced at the time on his phone. “I can
do it tonight if I leave now.”

He shut the hood. “I’ll be back in a minute, okay?”

She nodded.

“Go drink the milkshake, okay?”

She nodded again and turned to go but he grabbed her hand, pulling
her to him. He kissed her, lingering for a few seconds, pressing his forehead
to hers. She ran her hands up his forearms and back down, stopping when she
reached his hands, interlacing his fingers with hers. Finally he let go and
stepped back, pushing his sunglasses back down over his incredibly long
eyelashes.
 
She smiled, thinking he
shouldn’t even be allowed to wear them. She turned and headed back up the
stairs.

When he pushed through the door almost three hours later she was
in the middle of the floor, stretching like the yoga master on the DVD Raven
had given her was telling her to do.

At first she’d climbed back into bed. But when Brian came upstairs
to get some paper towels he’d gently told her that she should probably get up,
for just a little while anyway. So she did. She took another shower. She called
Dorian back and reassured him that she was okay, even though she knew Brian had
already talked to him. She’d called Raven and gave her the nutshell version of
what was going on. She’d immediately suggested that she should take a road trip
to Tallahassee to visit her since she had the down time.

And, she’d responded to an email she’d gotten from Gabe, who
strangely already had a job lead for her. The thing was, it was in Phoenix and
it was copywriting for a small marketing company that one of his frat brothers
had told him about. He’d said there was no way he was moving to Phoenix for the
job, but since that was her hometown, he figured she might’ve been interested.
She went ahead and the sent the guy her resume and some clips, mostly because
it made her feel like she was at least trying to pretend to be proactive about
her jobless state instead of wallowing in depression.

After that, she took Brian down a bottle of water and nearly
fainted at the sight of him in his ribbed tank top and jeans, all sweaty and
greasy and looking like something out of the pages of a magazine. And now she
was in the living room practicing yoga in effort to calm her thoughts.

“Hey,” she said, stretching to touch her toes, as she looked up at
him.

“Hey.”

He studied her for a minute, watching. She moved to sit on her
knees and stretched her arms above her head, bringing them together until her
palms met, exhaling. He cleared his throat.

“I’m gonna hop in the shower, is that cool?”

She smiled at him and exhaled. He grinned and ran a hand over his
head before turning to walk down the hall that led to her tiny bathroom. She
heard the shower come on and closed her eyes, listening to the gentle commands
of the instructor, calming herself as she stretched in the various poses.

When he came back in twenty minutes later she was nearing the end
of her practice. She automatically opened her eyes and smiled again, exhaling
audibly as she stretched back into downward dog, letting her system calm down,
inhaling and exhaling, steadying her breathing as she closed her eyes. She
moved back down to her stomach, stretching her chest and back in the cobra
pose, still breathing calmly. She went through the rest of the cool down, which
only took a couple of minutes, ending with her sitting upright, her legs
crossed in front of her, her palms together in the prayer position. She bowed
and grinned at him.

The hunger in his eyes was unmistakable. He’d been sitting on the
futon, silently, watching her she guessed. She had kind of zoned out on him.

“Hi,” she said quietly.

“Hi.”

They stared at each other, neither one of them saying anything,
but both of them sort of saying everything. They both knew their relationship
had shifted again, bringing them closer, making them more vulnerable to each
other’s ups and downs than ever before. His eyes travelled over her.

“You might not need to do yoga in front of me anymore,” he said
darkly, a trace of a smile on his lips, as he took in her leggings and fitted
spaghetti-strapped tank top. “Or maybe you always need to do yoga in front of
me. Every night. Forever.”

She grinned, still comfortable sitting in the middle of the floor.

“You make it sound dirty,” she finally said. Her voice was still
hoarse from all of the crying she’d done over the past twenty-four hours.

“It looked a little like porn,” he shrugged, with a lopsided grin.

Her cheeks heated and she giggled. “It did not.”

He nodded his head. “It did. Not that I minded. At all.”

“Yoga is a natural practice that teaches you to move with the
earth and calm your energy.”

He chuckled softly. “Yeah, well, watching you ‘move with the
earth’ did not calm my ‘energy’ at all.
 
My ‘energy’ is actually the exact opposite of calm right now.”

She grinned and shook her head at the suggestive implication of
his words. His eyes trailed over her again.

“
Come’ere
,” he said, beckoning her with
a head nod.

She pushed out a breath and stood, then walked slowly to him. She
was about to sit down next to him but he pulled her onto his lap so that her
legs were stretched out on the futon. She met his eyes, feeling more raw and
exposed than she ever had. She’d shown him her insides. And he hadn’t run or
turned away. He’d stayed and bought her a milkshake.

“Thank you for fixing my car.” She met his eyes and he grinned
slightly.

“You’re welcome.”

“And thank you for… being here.” She looked down at her hands then
back to him.

“I’ll always be here,” he said pointedly. “If you let me be.”

She released a breath and looked at him. Would it be fair to him,
to let him be there for her? She hesitated and he waited, watching as she
gathered her thoughts. “Last night was… intense.”

“Last night was life,” he countered gently, his eyes somber. “It was
just… life, love. Life is intense sometimes. Trust me, I know.”

His eyes grew distant again and she wondered what, or
who
he was seeing. When he refocused on her she pushed out a
breath. “You have to just let go sometimes,” he said softly.
 

She felt like she was on the verge of tears again, so she looked
down at her hands, studying her cuticles as she bit her lip.

“I just feel so heavy, Brian,” she shook her head. “But I breathe
better when I’m with you,” she told him, finally looking up again.

She knew her face was flushed but she didn’t care. Surprise
briefly colored his expression, before his gaze softened. His love for her was
evident in his eyes and she let herself relish in it, soaking it up as she
stared back at him.

All she had to do was tell him she loved him. But she was scared
of so many things. Scared of what it would mean, of how long it would last. Of
what would and should be expected of her once those words were uttered. She
didn’t know if she could live up to the expectations that saying it would
bring, so she held it in. It crept through her, planting itself into every
fiber of her being, but she swallowed it down. Instead, she pressed her lips
against his, breathing his air, absorbing his warmth.