Better Than Okay (16 page)

Warmth invaded her entire body, filling all of the cracks and
spaces that were broken and cold. The kiss was soft and sweet, and full of
unsaid things. She pulled back and looked at him. The look he was giving her
made her want to stay there forever with him, lost inside of his eyes and all
of the emotion between them, good and bad.
 
He reached out and ran his fingers down her face, like he
was impressing
every feature upon his fingertips.

She leaned forward and kissed him again, lingering longer this time.
She pulled back and kissed his jaw, nuzzling her nose along his stubble, loving
its feel, inhaling his clean, manly scent. She trailed her lips to the dent
just below his bottom lip and kissed him there, running her hand slowly up his
chest as he jaggedly inhaled and exhaled.

Slowly, she dragged her lips down his chin to the base of his
throat, planting a kiss there, letting her tongue graze his skin. He inhaled
sharply, his breath coming faster when she kissed him there again, encouraged
by his response. She ran her hand lightly up his chest again, enjoying its
hardness even through his t-shirt. He placed his hand on top of hers,
intertwining their fingers. The simple action was comforting and arousing and
she trailed her lips back up to his, this time kissing him fully, tasting him
with her tongue. She drank in the barely audible noises he was making, and let
them become her own as she deepened the kiss.

She continued melding his lips with hers finally allowing herself
to feel something other than anger and numbness for the first time in weeks and
relaxed into him, kissing him languidly, leisurely, drawing out both of their
responses. She pulled back again slightly and met his eyes. He was staring at
her like she was as essential as the sun and the heat that spread through her
body was immediate and intense and unlike anything she’d ever felt.

She leaned forward and pressed light kisses wherever her lips
found skin. Their fingers were still intertwined on his chest and she pressed
her weight there, swinging her leg from under her so that she could straddle
him and be closer. She just wanted to be closer.
 

He was kissing her now, and he placed his free hand on the back of
her neck deepening the kiss. She angled her head the other way and he nipped
her bottom lip lightly. She was on fire, her entire body throbbing, acutely in
tune to his every move. He pulled lightly at her hair as he kissed her, giving
him different access to her mouth.

They were both breathing audibly now and she ran her hand under his
shirt, eager to feel the smooth heat of his skin against her fingertips. He
inhaled and she pushed his shirt up, helping him pull it over his head. He
tossed it beside him, and she trailed her fingers down the planes of his chest,
then pressed her mouth there, kissing her way back up to his mouth. The kiss
was frantic, no longer controlled and he picked her up easily, repositioning
them so that she was lying on her back.

He ran his hand up the underside of her thigh. “You are so sexy,”
he whispered in her ear.

“…So fucking sexy,” he whispered
in her ear before he licked the side of her face…. He slapped her again then
pushed at her thighs, prying them apart, forcing her to open for him… she
tasted the blood in her mouth and tried to close her legs, but he was too
strong…

“No! No! No-no-no-no,” she heard the word being repeated over and
over again but the voice was foreign to her.

He slapped her violently again,
then put a hand to her throat, crushing the air out. “You know you want this…
it’ll be over faster if you stop struggling…”

“No… no…. no… stop, please! Stop!” she was shaking her head,
wiping his hands away from her neck, screaming the words, trying to get his
face, his eyes, his smell out of her mind. But he was all she could feel, and
smell and hear. She couldn’t breathe.

“Destiny! Baby…what’s wrong?” Brian was saying as he quickly sat
up. His voice was panicked. “Destiny! Destiny! Breathe, baby…” He shook her
shoulders, trying to bring her back.

She squeezed her eyes shut trying to block him out but he was
there, so she opened them. Her entire body was shaking and she felt cold. Brian
pulled her against his chest, rocking her. She was trying to inhale, to just
get a full breath into her lungs but it seemed impossible, like there was a
boulder blocking her airway.

“
Shhhhh
, baby,
it’s
okay, love… it’s okay…I’ve got you,” Brian was whispering to her as he gently
rubbed her hair, soothing her, calming her down. “Just breathe, baby… I’m so
sorry. Just breathe. I’m sorry…”

She inhaled, her chest working overtime as she attempted to get
fresh air into her lungs. She could feel him still, smell him, taste him
invading her. She shook her head, her breathing labored and she jumped up out
of Brian’s arms and ran to the bathroom.

Chapter
12

Brian was sitting on the futon with his elbows on his knees, his
head in his hands, when she entered the living room twenty minutes later. He
jumped up when he saw her, crossing the room quickly and wrapping her in a hug
that was so tight she could barely breathe.

“I’m so sorry, Destiny,” he murmured. He pulled back slightly so
that he could look at her. His voice was strained and his eyes were tortured.
“I didn’t mean to push you… I…”

She shook her head inhaling a shaky breath. “You didn’t push me,
Brian,” she said, meeting his eyes. She hated herself for the guilt and pain
that she saw there. “I initiated that... I just wanted to be close to you.”

She pushed out of his loose embrace and walked further into the
living room, pacing toward the opposite side of the room. “But he took that
too. I can’t even be touched without thinking of him, flashing back to him.”

She was getting angrier and angrier thinking about all of the
intangibles that he had stolen from her. “I feel so, ugh!” She shook her head.
“I hate this! I hate him! I hate myself for breaking down like that in front of
you and making you feel like you can’t even touch me…”

She was practically yelling now, ignoring his attempt to speak.

“Do you know we’ve barely touched in three weeks? I’ve been
itching for you to touch me, thinking about it non-stop and then you do and I
freak out? I hate him! I feel like he ruined me!”

Her chest was heaving and her fists were balled at her sides. If
she were in her self-defense class she’d be kicking the crap out of Greg, her instructor,
right now–letting all of her rage, frustration and resentment out with
each studied blow. Instead, she felt trapped inside of her fury. It consumed
her, washing over all of her wounds like alcohol, burning her slowly. She
couldn’t even cry. She turned away from him, staring out of the patio door,
looking at the street light cascade over the palm trees that decorated the
front of her building. It seemed like forever before he spoke.

“You’re not ruined, Destiny,” he said, quietly. “He doesn’t have
the power to do that. Don’t give him the power to do that. I shouldn’t have
pushed you that quickly. This is my fault.”

He paused, probably watching as she shook her head in denial. “I’m
not even going to pretend to know how you feel right now, or that I know what
to say. Being in that hospital room and listening to what happened to you…”

He hesitated again, weighing his words. The silence stretched
between them like an intangible force field.

“Part of me wishes they didn’t catch him,” he admitted, his voice
full of barely contained rage.

She continued to stare at the street, her body tensing as she
listened to his admission, to the dark, dramatic shift in his tone.

“Because what I want to do to him, what I
would
do to him is way worse than any day he could ever serve in
prison. I think about it over and over again… what I’ll do to him if I ever
have the opportunity.”

He released a breath and she knew without turning around that he
was running his hand over his head. “I know I’m not dealing with this the right
way,” he said after another long second.

Frustration and anger were clouding his voice. “It makes me sick,
knowing you’re hurting and there’s nothing I can do to help it. I’m the one
that let you go that night because I was pissed. I wasn’t there to protect
you.”

“It’s not your fault,” she told him again, turning to face him.

He looked away, then back to her and she knew without him saying
that he didn’t believe her.

“It’s not,” she said again. “It’s mine, for not paying attention.
I should’ve been paying attention.”

“If there’s one thing I do know is that you are not to blame for
any of this,” he said, looking her directly in the eyes.
 
“You understand?” he pressed.

She paused then finally nodded. He released a breath. “You were
texting me when you should’ve just been with me,” he said quietly.

“You can’t blame yourself for this, please,” she pleaded, her
voice barely above a whisper. “I can’t deal with that, too.”

She sighed. Her heart was so heavy. He stepped forward and wrapped
her in his arms. She couldn’t help but wonder how long he’d be around to hold
her.

“Sooner or later you’re going to get tired of this,” she
whispered. “Maybe we just need to take a break from each other. From this.
Until I can… you know, get better again.”

She heard him sigh and his arms tightened around her.

“I don’t need a break from you, Destiny. I don’t want to take a
break from you, whatever that even means.”

“But I don’t know how long it’s going to take for me to start
feeling normal again. I don’t know if the next time we’re together like that… I
don’t know if I’ll flip out again…”

“I’m not going anywhere.” His answer was immediate, without a
trace of hesitation. “I love you. I just want you to be okay. However long that
takes, and whatever it takes to get you there, I’m down.”

She closed her eyes, burying herself in his solid embrace,
inhaling his words. She just wished she could believe them.

 
* * *

Saturday,
6:43 p.m.

Vanessa
wasn’t at counseling today. Instead, they had some chick named Joyce running
the group session. For the record (which is weird to write because no one else
will ever be reading this Cathartic Ass Journal) I should probably mention that
Vanessa’s name isn’t actually Vanessa. It’s really Tricia. But since Tricia is
the most boring name known to mankind—I seriously can’t name a single
person on earth named Tricia who is remotely interesting—I’ll be calling
her Vanessa for my own sanity because she looks like Vanessa Huxtable from the
Cosby Show. Anyway, since she wasn’t there Joyce was leading the group and I
promise if she’s there next week, I’m never going back. I thought Vanessa was
annoying but that Joyce chick was fucking retarded. She kept saying that “The Lord
works in mysterious ways”—as a way of explaining fucking Connor Dorsey.
As a way of explaining the 15 year-old girl’s uncle who has been molesting her
since she was five. As a way of explaining the boyfriend who date raped his 18
year-old girlfriend because he thought she was “joking” when she repeatedly
tried to push him away, screaming “no.” But it’ll all be okay, according to
Joyce, because “The Lord works in mysterious ways.” Um, sorry Joyce, but that
ISN’T EVEN IN THE FUCKING BIBLE. You’d think she would know that being a church
elder and all, or whatever the hell she calls herself. I hate it when people
use that as a way explaining something that really has no logical explanation.
You don’t know why I was raped and neither do I, so don’t go making up dumb ass
bible quotes as a way of pretending like you do. Seriously. She kept telling us
to not be mad at God. She kept looking at me when she said it too. I wanted to
tell her that I’m not mad at God. I’m just pretty sure He doesn’t give a rat’s
ass about me. Either that or he’s trying to teach me a lesson? Which brings me
back to him not giving a rat’s ass about me because why would anyone that
actually loved you teach a lesson by allowing something like that to happen?
But I didn’t say anything. I just sat there. I don’t have the energy to explain
it to some stranger who doesn’t give a shit, or know shit about me. Speaking of
shit… I freaked out on Brian the other night. I feel so… weak? Crazy?
Psychotic? I dunno. Broken. I feel broken. It’s like I’ve broken him, too. He
blames himself for not being there to “protect me.” I hate that I’ve done that
to him. I’ve been fantasizing about him lately. I wonder what it would’ve been
like to be with him back when I wasn’t broken? What would it have been like to
lose my virginity to him? You know, that’s actually stupid. I actually hate
that term “lose your virginity.” As if you’ll later go searching for it or
something. Like, “Hey, have you seen my virginity lying around anywhere? Did I
leave it between the couch cushions?” My hand is starting to hurt. And I have
to go get Raven from the airport in like now-minutes. This is still bullshit.

Chapter 13

“Love what you’ve done to the place,” Raven said dryly, the second
she stepped into Destiny’s apartment.

“Shut up,” Destiny replied, rolling her eyes.

Raven was always on her about her lack of interior design skills.
When they were living together in college, she’d done all of the decorating so
Destiny didn’t have to worry about it.

“Girl, just get a real couch and I’ll be happy,” she tossed over
her shoulder, wheeling her luggage toward the bedroom.

Destiny followed after her, lugging her shoulder bag that felt
like it weighed no less than a hundred pounds. She never understood why Raven
always had to pack like she was moving to Siberia for a year.

“I did get a new picture,” she offered, nodding her head toward
the framed photograph of the sky that was now hanging over her desk.

Raven dropped her bag next to the bed and went to examine it. The
clouds were breaking in the sky like vibrant puzzle pieces and the sunlight was
beaming brilliantly through the cracks, as if it was proving that it was too
magnificent to be contained by the clouds. Raven nodded in approval.

“This is nice,” she admitted, studying it with her art eye. “Who
shot it?”

“Me,” Destiny grunted, slinging her ridiculously heavy bag onto
her bed, “while I was in New Orleans. Brian had it blown up and framed for me
though.”

He’d brought the picture by the day after her meltdown. He said it
reminded him of her. He said it was like uncontained beauty. She wished she
could see herself that way.

Raven smiled and planted a look on her, wriggling her eyebrows
dramatically. Destiny shook her head and rolled her eyes. She didn’t really
want to discuss her relationship with Brian with anyone besides him. It was too
complicated. She wasn’t sure if they were even together, honestly. They hadn’t
declared anything and at this point, she didn’t even want to. They were beyond
titles. They were so intimate sometimes, he was so in tune with her thoughts it
was outside anything she ever thought she was capable of experiencing.
 

But even with all of that, there was still a wall.
 
He’d been so busy with work he didn’t
get to stop by for the past two nights. And aside from last week when they’d
watched
Purple Rain
they hadn’t even
kissed. Well, for real anyway. He’d pecked her lips and lingered there for a
few seconds, like he didn’t want to pull away when he left the other night. But
he did. And she let him.

She was scared to go any further with him. Afraid she would spaz
out again. She felt guilty about it. He shouldn’t have to be the one to deal
with her new life. The one where thoughts of Connor Dorsey invaded her mind and
being with a will of their own, shutting her down, engulfing her. He deserved
to be with someone who was whole. Someone who he could kiss and touch without
worrying about whether or not he was about to trigger another breakdown.

He’d even told her he loved her again, and as usual, she hadn’t responded.
She didn’t know how. Love was overwhelming. Love came with a load of
expectations. And she was barely getting through the days. She didn’t deserve
his love and patience. Eventually, he would get tired of waiting for her to get
normal. And that would be okay, because he deserved better. Funny how at first
she was running from him because she was afraid of ruining their
friendship—they were so beyond that now it was laughable.

“It’s okay, Grasshopper,” Raven was saying as she pushed up her
fashionable thick-rimmed glasses on her nose. She turned and looked in the
full-length mirror hanging next to her small walk-in closet, running her
fingers through her wild, curly hair. “You don’t have to share your Brian
secrets. Not right now, anyway.”

She whirled and flung herself onto the bed.

“I’m so glad I’m finally here,” she said, rolling onto her side
and propping herself up on her elbow. “I wish I could stay longer than two
weeks.”

“Me too,” she replied, meaning it.

Last year she’d been able to stay for almost a month. But her
granddad lived in Tallahassee and wasn’t doing too well so she was going to
visit him before heading back to Texas. It was sad. Destiny loved Raven’s
granddad. She and Dorian had spent many Sunday dinners over there while they were
in college. He’d always been so tough and alert. It was depressing to think
about how sick he’d gotten over the past couple of years.

Raven watched as Destiny moved her journal from her bed to her
desk.

“Is that the infamous journal?” Raven asked, eyeing it then her.

Destiny nodded and rolled her eyes again, plopping down on the bed
next to her, releasing a sigh.

“What’d you call it? The journal of cathartic bullshit?”

Raven laughed and she giggled. “Something like that.”

Raven’s phone buzzed and she reached into her back pocket and
looked at it.

“Ugh, Mark is on my last possible existing nerve,” she sighed,
tossing the phone onto the bed.

“I hope you’re still ignoring him,” Destiny said, looking at her
pointedly.

“I am so over him,” she lied.

Destiny threw her a look but said nothing.

“We’re meeting Dorian and Brian at their house before we go out
right?”

Destiny nodded, watching as she tapped her foot restlessly against
the bed. She was so hyper she wondered how she functioned, especially as a teacher.
She spent practically every waking moment bouncing off of the walls.

“You’re good with going out, right?” Raven asked for the tenth
time.

She nodded again and shrugged. “I’m fine, Ray.”

She picked at her chipped fingernail polish as Raven considered
her for a minute, probably trying to make sure she was telling the truth.

“I’m fine,” she repeated, widening her eyes and nodding her head
in reassurance.

Vanessa had mentioned that it was healthy to start living again
and doing normal things, like going out in one of their last sessions.

“We probably need to get dressed,”
Destiny
said. “We’re supposed to be meeting them in like an hour.”

Raven hopped up and pulled her suitcase open rummaging through the
contents.
 

“Good, because I desperately and truly need a break,” she
breathed.

She pulled out a cute red dress and tossed it toward Destiny.

“Wear this,” she said, as if she expected no argument.

Destiny eyed the dress, shaking her head. “No, thank you. I’m
wearing jeans.”

“No,” Raven replied. “You’re wearing this. No jeans tonight,
Grasshopper. Your legs are too cute to hide.”

Destiny picked up the dress and warily examined it. She couldn’t
help but think it was something Loud Girl would probably wear. Raven pulled out
another chic print dress that was cut high and looked like it had just come off
of the runway, or an especially moving episode of
Sex & the City
.

“I dunno, Ray, this isn’t really me.”

Destiny held the dress in front of her still frowning at it apprehensively.
She hadn’t been near a dress since that night. She knew on an intellectual
level that it didn’t matter what she was wearing, Connor Dorsey would’ve
attacked her regardless. But she was still more comfortable in pants. They were
harder to get off.

“Just try it on and if you don’t look hot in it, you can put on
your boring ass jeans,” Raven said exasperatedly, as she pulled her shirt over
her head and slipped the printed dress on.

She shimmied out of her own jeans and walked over to the mirror, examining
herself. She definitely looked like she belonged on a stage somewhere wooing a
crowd with her wild, eccentric beauty.

“Put it on, Tweety,” she urged her impatiently, throwing a look
over her shoulder as she tousled her sandy brown hair.

She’d recently highlighted it with streaks of blonde bringing out
the hazel specs in her green eyes. Destiny sighed but did as she was told.

“Grasshopper, I do believe my mission has been accomplished,”
Raven said, beaming proudly once she had the dress on.

Destiny frowned and flicked a disbelieving glance at her. Raven
rolled her eyes and crossed the room and grabbed her hand, dragging her to the
mirror.

“See, you look like you’re about to be the sexiest girl in the
room,” she grinned as she stood next to her. “I was worried it wasn’t going to
fit because you’ve lost weight, but you look hot.”

Destiny studied herself. She didn’t know about all that, but the
dress did fit her perfectly, hugging her curves in the right places. She wasn’t
big by any means before, but she’d lost at least ten pounds over the past few
weeks. She hadn’t realized it was noticeable. She continued peering at her
reflection. Her eyes were tired and distant.

“Leave your hair down tonight too,” Raven was bossing her as she
moved away from the mirror to continue digging through her bag.

She rolled her eyes. “Anything else?” Destiny asked her
sarcastically finally turning away from the mirror.

“Yep, I’m doing your make up.”

Destiny sighed and followed her into the bathroom.

*
* *

“I hope they’re ready,” Raven said as Destiny swerved her tired
Corolla into a parking space in front of Dorian’s apartment.

“I’m sure they are,” Destiny replied, glancing at herself in the
rearview.

Her lips were full and red and her eyes were smoky, the makeup she
was wearing brought out the light brown in them. Raven grinned at her, knowing
she was checking her reflection for Brian. Destiny blushed and Raven winked at
her, laughing.
 
They got out and
headed up the short walkway to Dorian’s apartment. Raven knocked loudly.

“Watch Brian’s reaction,” she whispered quickly before the door
swung open.

Destiny ignored her.

“Ya’ll are late,” Dorian complained as soon as he opened the door.
“You do know we’re just going to a bar right and not Fashion Week?”

Destiny rolled her eyes at him and he grinned, wrapping her in a
quick bear hug. He let her go and she slid past him into the house. She hadn’t
seen him in a couple of days, although he usually stopped by on the nights
Brian wasn’t able to. Dorian turned and shut the door then grabbed Raven
wrapping her in a hug, lifting her off of her feet.

“I’ve missed you, Chipmunk,” he told her, his dimples indenting
his cheeks as he smiled down at her.

“And I’ve been miserable without you, Clarence Jenkins,” she quickly
retorted, grinning back at him.

He laughed heartily and hugged her again. “You look incredibly
sexy, Chipmunk,” he said, brazenly assessing her.

She’d taken off her glasses and her makeup highlighted her eyes.
Her dress hit her mid-thigh, showing a healthy amount of leg. Raven grinned and
stood on her tiptoes, pressing a quick kiss against his cheek. She pulled back
studied him just as openly as he had her a few seconds ago. He was wearing a
gray V-neck t-shirt and dark blue jeans.

“You look pretty damn delicious yourself, Clarence.”

Destiny paid them no attention. She’d stopped trying to figure out
the nature of their flirtation and weird pet names years ago. Through alcohol,
shared rooms, and break-ups they’d never crossed the line beyond flirting and
she knew they never planned to, they both had told her as much.

“I come bearing gifts,” Raven was saying in her faux British
accent. She pulled a bottle of expensive vodka out of her suitcase-sized purse.

“I knew I loved you for a reason,” Dorian declared, kissing her
forehead before examining the bottle. “Good thing we got a driving service, I’m
pretty sure no one wants to be the designated driver tonight.”
 

“Whoa, Clarence. Balling are we?” she asked eyeing him.

Dorian shrugged. “They bought an ad so my company gets a
discount.”

He motioned for them to follow him into the kitchen and Destiny
trailed after them, wondering where Brian was, just as he rounded the
corner.
 

“Brian!” Raven squealed, running to him and hugging him tightly.

The crooked smile Destiny loved so much was on his face and as
always, her stomach flipped at the sight of it. He was wearing a dark blue
Henley that showed the expanse of his chest without being tight and a pair of
purposely worn jeans. His face was a little stubbled but in that rogue,
slightly-overworked-but-still-sexy-kind-of-way. He looked like a freaking
Calvin Klein model.
 
She
half-expected a bottle of overpriced cologne to magically appear in his hands.

“Glad you made it in one piece,” he smiled, dropping a kiss on her
cheek.
 

“So, how are you liking Miami so far?” she asked, tilting her head
up at him.

He grinned his eyes falling on Destiny. “I love it.”

Raven smiled knowingly and glanced at Destiny before quickly
stepping aside. He continued to stare at Destiny and she smiled at him, which
wasn’t hard with him looking so good.