Better Than Okay (19 page)

“You know I want you, too, Brian.
”
she
murmured, pressing up on her toes as she tugged the bottom of his shirt again
willing him even closer.

She didn’t know whether it came out as a statement or a question
but she didn’t care either way. She pressed her lips against his and
electricity immediately shot throughout her body. He kissed her back without
hesitation, with an urgency that reflected her own need. Which was good. He was
so good. He felt so good. She hooked her fingers through his belt loops,
pulling him solidly against her. He pressed into her, kissing her deeply,
almost angrily.

“You’re so good,” she said against his mouth.

Her thoughts were mushy and that was the only adjective she could
think of to describe him. The vodka had her inhibitions lowered and even though
she knew she was wrong for wanting it, she suddenly couldn’t bear the thought
of losing him, even though she knew she couldn’t give him what he needed.

“Don’t be mad at me, okay?” she whispered urgently against his
mouth. She kissed him again, sucking at his bottom lip. “And thank you.”

He didn’t respond to her rambling. They banged loudly against the
door but she barely heard it, she was so focused on him and his touch. He
grabbed her waist, then ran his hand down her hips and around to her butt,
pulling her tightly against him. She could feel him hard against her stomach
and it turned her on even more.

He kissed her hungrily, the way she wanted to be kissed by him,
his tongue dancing with hers. She opened her mouth for him and wrapped her arms
around his neck urging him closer, if it were possible. His kisses were better
than air and she moaned against his mouth, unable to suppress the noises that
were escaping her.

“Baby, we… I need to stop,” he suddenly breathed against her
mouth, jarring her system.

He backed up reluctantly, breathing heavily as he gently unwound
her arms from his neck.

“No,” she murmured forcefully, stepping toward him again, finding
his mouth.

She pulled at his belt loops again, willing his body to press
against hers. She didn’t want to stop. Not when he was feeling so good.

“You’re drunk, Destiny,” he breathed, pulling back again to look
at her.
 
“We can’t do this like
this. You don’t even know what you want for real. One minute you’re running
from me and pushing me away and the next you act like you want me again.”

“Yes,” she answered immediately, pressing into him and flicking
her tongue against his neck because she knew he liked it so much. “I do want
you. All of the time.”

She trailed her tongue up his neck and he inhaled sharply when she
nipped his skin.

“God, what are you doing to me?” he asked aloud, grabbing at her
waist again. He said it in a tortured way and she didn’t know if he was asking
her or the actual God. She kissed him greedily and pushed him toward the bed.
They flopped down onto it clumsily. She immediately straddled him, pressing
herself against him, her dress rising up, mildly aware that she wasn’t freaking
out this time. She just wanted him.
All of him.

She felt the material of his jeans against her and moaned audibly
at the sensation. She was losing all control of whatever conscious thought she had
left and she was glad. She moaned again, rubbing herself deliberately against
him to create the sweet friction her body was craving.
 

She was hovering over him, balancing her weight on her arms and he
let his hand roam up her ribcage to her breast, running his thumb over her
nipple. She closed her eyes and bit down on her lip at the sensation, moving
her body against his again and he moaned, too, pulling her down fully on him.
He started to run his hands under her dress, pushing it up over her hips, but
just as suddenly he pulled it back down.

“Shit, Destiny,” he groaned abruptly, rolling her off of him.

He swung his legs off of the bed, putting his head in his hands.
His breathing was choppy and sporadic.

“Don’t stop, Brian,” she pleaded, pushing herself onto her knees,
running her hands along his hunched over back. “Please.”

“You know I don’t want to,” he said, his voice strained. He looked
up at her and she kissed his lips.

“Then don’t,” she murmured against his mouth.

He kissed her back as if he had no will of his own, running his
fingers through her hair again, pulling her toward him. Then he pulled back
again, shaking his head, his chest heaving.

“We can’t do this,” he mumbled tersely, as if trying to convince
himself. “You’re not thinking straight.”

“I am thinking straight,” she argued, falling back clumsily onto
the bed.

She pushed the strap of her dress down over one shoulder, not
taking her eyes off of him.

“No, you’re not,” he said, his eyes fixed on her. He released a
breath and pushed himself off of the bed. “Pull your dress up, Destiny,” he
growled. “Shit.”

She looked at him, this time refusing to obey his rough command.
“No, I don’t want to.”

She pushed the strap off of her other shoulder, her eyes not
leaving his.
 
He paced to the far
end of the room, pressing his back against the closed door, watching her.

“If I was Loud Girl you would want me,” she insisted. “You
wouldn’t be afraid that I was going to flip out again.”

He looked at her, confused. “Who the hell is Lou…” He stopped,
recognition dawning on his face. “That’s what this about?” his breathing had
slowed a bit now but his voice was tight. “Tiffany? I didn’t even know she was
going to be there. I told you I don’t give a shit about that girl, Destiny…”

He hesitated, his tone softening. “And I think we’ve more than
established that I want you… when you’re sober and ready. I’ll wait for you.
For as long as you need me to. We can take things as slow as you need.”

“But you don’t have to wait,” she murmured, pushing the straps on
her dress down further so that her breasts were nearly exposed. “I’m okay now.
It’s okay.”

He paused, desire evident in his eyes, as he looked at her. Then
he shook his head.

“You’re not okay, you’re drunk,” he said resolutely. “And I’ll
feel like an asshole in the morning if we do anything while you’re drunk and
not thinking clearly. I never want you to regret anything between us. And
you’ll regret this.”

“Please, Brian,” she said, not even caring about how desperate she
sounded. “I just need to know… I just need to feel….”

She shook her head. “It just should’ve been you,” she said
quietly. “It should’ve been you. I didn’t want him to steal that from me. It
should’ve been you. I wish it was you and now it’s gone forever. And I can’t
get it back. The only sex I know is him. And it fucking sucks.”

Her chest hurt so badly. Couldn’t he see that? Couldn’t he see
that she just wanted to choose to give herself to him? So what if the alcohol
was making her less nervous, repressing images she didn’t want to remember? He
crossed the room again. The bed bounced as he sat down, facing her.

“Baby, what happened to you… it wasn’t sex, Destiny. Rape…” he
uttered the word like it physically hurt to say it, “Rape isn’t sex. It’s not.
Sex is consensual.” He looked at her his eyes serious and full of emotion. “So,
you don’t need to rush anything. Okay? I’m here. I told you I’m not going
anywhere and I meant it.”

He studied her face, reading the mixture of emotions that were there.

“And it still can be me,” he grinned crookedly, though the smile
was faint. “If you want. And it won’t be rushed. Or drunk. It’ll be slow….”

He pushed her dress straps back up over her shoulders
deliberately, his fingers grazing her skin, “…. and good. And do you know why
it will be that way?” He waited a beat. “Because I love you.”

He pulled her toward him and pressed his forehead against
hers.
 
She inhaled and exhaled, his
words filling her even through her drunk haze.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I want to be better for you… But I
think I’m broken now. And I’m breaking you, too. You need to stay away from me.
But I don’t want you too because I’m too selfish and you make me feel better.
Even though you need to stay away from me.”

She laid back and closed her eyes. She just needed to close her
eyes for a little while. She felt him lay down beside her and then she was in
his arms, her back to his chest as he held her tightly against him.

“I love you, Destiny,” he whispered against ear. “I only want to be
where you are.”

Her breathing was starting to calm, as she finally relaxed against
him.

“We’re
gonna
be okay, love,” he murmured.
“You just need to trust me.”

She did trust him. She loved him. It was herself she didn’t trust.
She sighed, allowing herself to be content in his arms for this moment, as
sleep and alcohol finally won out over her thoughts.

Chapter 15

Destiny rolled over, snuggling herself more deeply into the
blanket that was covering her head. This bed was so comfortable. It’d never
been this comfortable before. She sighed contentedly then stiffened. Damn. This
bed wasn’t hers. She opened her gritty eyes, awareness suddenly spreading
through her body and landing in the pit of her stomach. Or maybe that was nausea.
 
She pressed her hand there, steadying
the waves that were coursing through her belly, threatening to push their way
up her esophagus. She made herself go completely still until the sensation
passed. Only then did she roll over.

Brian came through the bedroom door, softly shutting it behind
him.
 
He was already dressed in
khaki cargo shorts and a t-shirt. He had a Cardinals baseball cap pulled down
low over his eyes. He looked adorable. He grinned, crossing the room to sit
beside her, his body indenting the bed.

“You alive, cutie pie?” he asked, amusedly.

His proximity brought back memories from last night and she
thought she might physically die from the embarrassment that rushed through her
even more powerfully than the nausea.

“I think not,” she mumbled, hiding her head beneath the covers
again. “What time is it?”

He chuckled deeply and pulled them back off of her. “A little
after one.”

Damn. She hadn’t slept that late in ages. “Your bed is really
comfortable.”

“I know, you were snoring loud enough,” he teased.

She closed her eyes again, grinning. “Shut up.”

“Here,” he said, causing her to reluctantly open her eyes again,
handing her a bottle of water that had somehow magically appeared in his hands.
“Drink this.”

She sat up gingerly, pulling her dress over her legs in a too late
attempt at modesty and he grinned. She ran her fingers through her hair and
sipped cautiously. He was smiling again, apparently finding enjoyment in her
hangover status.

“You should be a spokesperson for….” she peered at the label on
the bottle, “Purely Spring Water.”

He chuckled and brushed her nose with his finger. “I’m trying to
help you. You’d feel even worse if I didn’t give you that water last night.”

Just the mention of last night caused her stomach to clench and she
looked away. Unlike the reality TV girls who conveniently forgot anything
slutty or stupid they did while inebriated, she remembered everything. And he
was right, she would’ve regretted sleeping with him while she was that drunk
and emotional. She studied the water bottle in her hand.

“Hey. You were sexy as hell last night,” he told her, causing her
to meet his eyes. “Drunk as hell. But sexy.”

He chuckled again at her mortified expression.

“Thank you… for…” she thought about her hyperventilating episode on
the dance floor, him almost beating up some random drunk guy for her, and his
patience and control afterward, “… everything,” she finished lamely.

“I told you I got you,” he said simply. “But my self-control only
goes so far and last night you pushed it to the max.”

He paused, allowing her to see the seriousness in his eyes.

“You can’t do that to me again.” He stared at her for a long
second and she shifted uncomfortably.

“Sorry.”

He waited until she met his eyes again. “I meant what I said last
night,” he said, running a finger down the side of her face. “We’ll take things
slow… I think we should take things slow, actually.”

She bit her lip, meeting his eyes. “I just… I’m afraid if we go
too slowly you’ll get… I dunno, bored or something?”

He immediately frowned, his expression incredulous as he shook his
head. “Bored? Have you met you? You entertain the hell out of me, even when you
don’t mean to.”

 
She grinned faintly
then looked away. She inhaled deeply before turning back to him.

“I don’t want to lose you before we even get to start for real,”
she murmured. “This isn’t just about sex. It’s about like, intimacy. I feel
like I can’t even give you that sometimes.”

“Hey,” he said, causing her to meet his eyes. “We make our own
rules, remember? Me and you. We’re not on anybody else’s timetable, or trying
to meet anyone else’s expectations, okay? This is about us and what works for
us.”

She looked at him, her chest heavy.

“You always say the best things,” she said softly.

“I do, huh?” He grinned, dissolving some of the tension. “I gotta
run out for a minute,” he told her after a long second. “But I’ll be back in an
hour so don’t leave.”

He didn’t wait for her response before dropping a quick kiss on
her cheek. A second later he was out of the door. Twenty minutes later she
exited the bathroom, freshly showered and feeling significantly less sick.
She’d brushed her teeth with her finger and used a generous amount of mouthwash
before using his brush to push her hair up into a sloppy bun. She shrugged into
one of Brian’s t-shirts and a pair of his boxers that hung low enough on her to
look like a pair of shorts.

She padded out into the living room. Raven was sprawled on the
couch, the remote control in her hand, flicking aimlessly through the channels.

“Well, well, Grasshopper, good afternoon,” she said smiling at
her, pushing the strap up on the ribbed tank top she was wearing. It was
probably Dorian’s.

“Sorry I left you hanging last night,” Destiny replied, sitting on
the couch next to her.

“No worries,” she yawned, covering her mouth, still flipping
channels. “Brian texted Dorian and let us know what was up.”

She flicked a glance at her.

“I had a moment,” Destiny explained lamely, trying to shrug it
off. It didn’t work.

“I think you had several moments,” Raven retorted meaningfully.

Destiny didn’t say anything. She fixed her eyes on the TV.

“Did you guys at least have fun?” she asked after a long minute.

Raven smiled. “Yeah, Noisy Girl or whatever her name is and Amber
left not too long after you and Brian. I seriously think she might have a
hearing problem or something. She was pretty pissed that he went after you.”

Destiny managed a small smile. Raven had stopped on a gospel
channel and the preacher was talking about acceptance and grace. She rolled her
eyes and stood, heading for the kitchen and the smell of coffee and food.

“You alive?” Dorian asked her when she rounded the corner.

He was standing over the stove flipping what appeared to be an
omelet in baggy basketball shorts and t-shirt. He had his Suns baseball cap
turned backwards on his head.

“Apparently that’s the question of the day,” she retorted dryly.

She grabbed a cup out of the cabinet and then poured herself a cup
of coffee adding a lot of sugar and cream to the cup. Dorian was quiet for a
second.

“You okay?”

He didn’t look up from the stove when he asked her and she knew
without question that there were layers to his inquiry. She sighed and hopped
onto the counter, cradling her cup in her palms before taking a sip.

“Not really,” she answered truthfully. She shrugged. “I’m scared
kinda. Almost like I can’t control my reaction to stuff that triggers…
memories.”

He turned, pressing his back against the counter across from her,
frowning with concern.

“I feel so trapped in my head sometimes, you know?”

His frown deepened. His dimples contrasted his worried expression.
“Well, what’s the counseling lady say?”

She looked up at him, grinning at his use of the phrase,
“counseling lady.” She shrugged again. Turns out, Vanessa was a real
psychiatrist with a viable practice. She just volunteered at the church on
Saturdays. She’d suggested that Destiny start coming to regular one-on-one
sessions with her, an invitation that Destiny had politely declined.

“She wants me to start doing one-on-one sessions twice a week with
her.”

He regarded her for a minute then turned back to the stove,
flipping the food. “You think you should go?”

“No,” she answered immediately. Then she thought of Brian. “Yes. I
dunno.”

He was quiet for a while and she knew he was worrying about her.
“I’ve never seen him like this, you know.”

Once again, she knew without asking
who
he was referring to. “Like what?”

He shrugged. “I dunno. He’s all… open. It’s not him. You know how
detached and closed off he can get.”

She did know. She stared at Dorian’s back, wondering what had
prompted the heart to heart, not that she at all intended to stop it.

“He’s liked you forever,” he confessed after a few long seconds
passed.

He glanced over his shoulder before turning again to flip his
simmering food. “But he was always saying he didn’t want to mess up your
friendship. Or something. You know he can get on all that ‘staying centered’
and focusing on the ‘meaning of life’ shit sometimes. Helps him deal with the
shit he goes through with his mom.”

“I thought she was clean and doing better?” Destiny said, her
pulse racing at the thought of Brian or Lexi having to deal with that again.

“Yeah, for now. But you know how that shit goes.”

He shrugged again then turned to face her. “But I think the thing
with Tamara did it for him. He says that’s when he knew he wanted to be with
you. He got all dramatic and said he couldn’t keep pretending.”

He used air quotes when he said, “keep pretending” and rolled his
eyes at the memory.

“He figured that out from being with another girl?” She wrinkled
her face and he shrugged again.

“Happens like that sometimes.” He turned back around and flipped
the contents on the stove while she mulled over what he’d just told her. “He
broke up with her for you. He really loves you.”

She bit her lip and stared into her coffee cup. He glanced over
his shoulder again.

“We all do.”

Raven sauntered into the kitchen and leaned her head against the
doorframe. Her glasses were back on, her hair pulled into an untamed but
stylish ponytail.

“This is true,” she said looking at Destiny.

She managed a weak smile, uncomfortable with all of the attention
being on her. “Me, too,” she said softly.

“So I talked to my mom this morning,” Dorian sighed. He’d changed
the subject and she knew they were done with the conversation.

“She broke up with Gary. They’re moving back in with your mom as
we speak.”

The anger and bitterness in his voice were nothing new when it
came to Chrissy and her never-ending bad break ups that landed her back at
Tori’s house.

“Aidan shouldn’t have to keep going through that shit,” he said.

He didn’t tack “like I did” onto the sentence but it was there,
unspoken. Dorian was fiercely protective of his little brother. Destiny hadn’t
talked to her mom since yesterday, but she didn’t mention it then. Probably
because Tori knew she was a fragile, emotional nut job who couldn’t handle
anything anymore. Destiny glanced at Raven, who was looking at her feet.

“Do you know what happened, like why they broke up?” Destiny asked
tentatively, staring at his back.

She’d met Gary a couple of times and wasn’t at all surprised that
it was over. Dorian turned and glanced at her briefly.

“Does it matter?”

She peered inside of her coffee cup, releasing a sigh. She guessed
it really didn’t.
 
She watched as
Raven walked over where he was standing and wrapped her arms around his waist
from behind, laying her head on his shoulder. He turned and dropped a kiss on
her forehead, holding her for a long minute.

“Ready to eat?” he asked, pushing out a breath as he released her.

Raven nodded. Destiny sighed and followed them into the dining
room.

 
* * *

An hour later, Destiny, Dorian, and Raven were sprawled on the
couch watching reruns of
Friends
.
Well, Destiny and Raven were. Dorian was texting and frowning every few seconds
at the TV.

“This is not funny,” he said for the fifth time, his head laid
comfortably against the large couch cushions.

Destiny had already stopped responding to him. It actually wasn’t
that funny today, although she wouldn’t dare tell him that.

“Hush, Clarence. I love Chandler,” Raven sighed oblivious to the
disgusted look Dorian was giving her. “He could definitely get it.”

She laughed loudly at something he said and Dorian frowned.

“If you’re trying to irritate me, it’s working, Chipmunk.”

He dropped his phone on the couch and pulled her into his lap
tickling her sides as she flailed wildly in his arms. Destiny ducked and moved
to the other side of the couch to avoid being accidentally hit.

 
She pulled out her
phone and checked the time. Brian had been gone a little over an hour and she
missed him. She cringed just thinking about how silly it was to be missing him
already. On a whim she decided to text him.