Almost Alive (15 page)

             
He got me a pop, and I tried to just think about what was real: the taste, the fizz tingling my nose, the bubbles popping on my tongue, the beverage itself refreshing my body as it went down my throat.  That was real.  Silly love potions weren’t real.  “Were you dangerous?”

             
He avoided eye contact and hesitated by conveniently taking a swig of his drink.  “Yes.”  It amazed me how brave he was when he looked at me.  It was the first time I saw someone who wasn’t unbreakable. 

             
“That’s why Maria thinks you can help heal your mom.”  It was intriguing.  Julian actually had real powers.  What was he capable of and what had he actually accomplished?

             
“I don’t know if I could use witchcraft to save my mother, but even if I could, it would ultimately hurt my family in the end.  I’d lose another piece of my soul, and I’d be in danger of getting addicted to witchcraft again.”  I didn’t realize how difficult his life must have been.  I knew that Julian going back to witchcraft was probably the scariest thing in his life.  “We can’t afford to surrender our souls, Michelle.”

             
“You’re really feeding her that demon sucking story?” Maria yelled from the balcony.  I looked up, and I didn’t see the sweet girl that tried so hard to be my friend.  She was disgusted with the both of us.

             
“Stay out of this!” Julian commanded.

             
Maria was completely different.  She wasn’t cowering in front of Julian.  She was smug and rebellions.  “Julian has it all wrong.”

             
He glared and pointed his finger up at her while he seethed out a warning.  “Say another word and you’ll regret it.”

             
She was still just as scary, but she wasn’t strong enough to stand against Julian’s authority.  “Fine.”  She made eye contact with me, and for the first time, it was chilling.  “I’ll be doing homework.”

             
But the chills weren’t that big of a deal compared to one I got when Julian shut out his sister.  “You can be very scary when you wanna be.”

             
“What did you come here for?”  I wanted to know what was up with him and Maria, but he was already heavily annoyed that I was at his house in the first place. 

             
“My parents want to have an open marriage, and I blew up on them again.”  I felt like I was covered in slime every time I thought about it.  “Then I left, and I didn’t have anywhere else to go.”

             
Even Julian seemed pretty grossed out by my parents.  It sucked that his parents weren’t together due to whatever circumstances, but at least it wasn’t due to erotic behavior.  He was definitely out of his depth.  “I can’t give you all the answers and comfort you seek.”

             
I threw my hands up exasperated.  “Then you had better point me in a direction of someone who can!”

             
He smiled and took me by the hand.  “Follow me.”

             
My heart started to pitter-patter just a little bit from his touch, but it went on full blast once he took me back upstairs. 
‘He’s taking you to his bedroom.  He’s a naughty boy after all!’
  It’s a good thing he wasn’t facing me, or else he would have seen my whole face looking like a punch bowl.  I was embarrassed and nervous, but very excited as well.  Did I really want to have sex with him or was the demon making me feel all crazy?

             
Then when he opened the last door down the hall, I suddenly wasn’t in the mood anymore.  “This is your bedroom?”  I stepped inside and felt a cool sensation sweep over my skin, but it brightened and warmed the inside of my chest.  The walls were covered in writing and crucifixes.  The closer I got, I realized that it was scriptures.  He had a bookcase covered in bibles and all types of faith books.  It was the complete opposite of Maria’s room, but it felt even stranger.  I felt really good at first when I came in, but then I started to feel uncomfortable, like I had an itch I couldn’t scratch. 

             
“This is my only solace in this house.  I can feel Maria’s creepy energy everywhere else.”  He started searching through his bookcase and pulled out one of his many leather-bound bibles and placed the heavy book in my hands.  “Here is a bible.”

             
I stared at it for a while.  I had never read one before.  I had an idea about some of the stuff that was in there, but I was positive that I couldn’t get through it.  It was massive!  “And…?”

             
He chuckled.  “If you want to fight the devil, you need to be on God’s side.”

             
I flipped out and shoved the book into his chest.  “I don’t want to fight Satan!  I want to get his minion off my back.  That’s all.”

             
“I’m sorry, but it doesn’t work like that.”  He wasn’t so nice and shoved the book into my chest extremely hard.  “You need to understand the rules of this game.  If you break them, you get your soul deducted.  Keep God’s commandments and you win.”

             
“I just want to survive.  This warrior stuff is too much for me.”  I was not cut out to be a fighter.  The last fight I was involved in, I was getting my butt kicked until I let my demon take over for me.  There was no amount of training in the world that was going to turn me into the Rambo of demon slaying.

             
Then he got that look in his eye and crossed his arms.  “Playing to survive is no way to live.  This is the only way.”

             
I wanted to say something to refute him, but every time I opened my mouth, it was stuttered nonsense.  I didn’t know how to quit.  I totally needed him.  I eventually just growled and whacked the gigantic bible in his arm.

             
“What is your problem?” he laughed.  “I’m trying to help you.”

             
“And how do you know all this stuff?  Who taught you?”

             
I must have asked the wrong question, because her sure did look sad.  “My teacher went through the same thing.” 

             
I remembered he mentioned someone who helped get through to him the first day we met, but he didn’t say a whole lot about him.  “And what happened to him?  How come I’m not learning from the master?” I asked mockingly.

             
“Because, I lost him.”

             
I felt awful.  “He died?”

             
“I wish…”  He laughed, but it was delusional.

             
“His demon took him over?”  I didn’t need him to tell me.  I could see the grief on his face.  I was terrified.  How was I supposed to make it through my possession if Julian’s teacher couldn’t even make it?  Did that mean Julian didn’t know what he was doing?  He wasn’t free from his demon either.  “Did you finish him off?”

             
“No, and I don’t know where he is.”

             
I got the suspicion that he was lying to me, but I guess he wouldn’t do something that would destroy his soul.  There was still something that he was keeping from me.  “But you would kill him if you ever saw him again?”

             
“He’s just a demon now, Michelle.  He’s probably kidnaping and cutting up children or something else sick and twisted.  No one is safe from him.  He’s not my teacher anymore.”  It freaked me out how he could be so cold to someone he loved and respected. 

             
“And you would kill me if—”

             
“Your soul was destroyed, and you were taken over by a demon?  Yes.”  He stepped just a little bit closer to me and I felt his magnetism pulling me into him.  That whole warrior thing really got to me.  “I would expect you to do the same for me, Michelle.”

             
“What?”  I had totally zoned out when I looked at his lips.

             
“Promise me that you’ll kill this body if I lose my soul.”

             
“I promise.”  I just said it to get him off my back.  I knew Julian.  He had a lot of self-discipline.  There was no way he was going to mess up and lose his soul.  If he did, then I was screwed.  I wasn’t going to make it without him. 

             
“You should probably go home and start reading your bible.”

             
“You sure?”  I began to tear up.  I always felt like he wanted me to leave when I wanted him the most.  “I could cook dinner for you and your sister.  You two need a good meal.”

             
“I can cook myself.  I’m pretty good with Italian.”  That didn’t make me want him any less.

             
“Well…”  I tapped my fingers on the book and forced a smile on my face.  “I guess I will see you at school.”  I felt like such an ugly freak.  There had to be something redeeming enough that he would want to kiss me or at least eat a meal with me.  “At least we can eat at lunch together.”

             
“Yeah…”  I knew I had made things terribly awkward for him.  Was I trying too hard?  Wasn’t he trying?  “I’ll walk you out.”

             
I wasn’t crazy.  I was more than his disciple.  He cared about me, and I sensed it even when he kicked me out.  “Please don’t come back here again.”

             
I laughed to hide how pathetic I felt.  “I will try not to.”  I started walking away, but then I got determined to just tell him how I felt or to kiss him.  I turned around, but I was met with the door slamming in my face. 

             
He’s just playing hard to get, Sweetheart.

             
“I know.”  I didn’t hold it against him.

             
I did my best to avoid my parents when I got home.  It wasn’t really that difficult considering that they were locked in their room shacking up.  I guess I should have been grateful that they were working it out, but I couldn’t stand the thought of how they got to that point.

             
I had my own love life to concentrate on anyway.  I had a boy that I was into that didn’t like me at all.  I should have just forgotten about him by forcing my brain to realize that our relationship was purely professional.  Instead, I brainwashed myself into falling harder for him by listening to music all night long.  Music just wasn’t empowering anymore.  It was all about heartbreak or being in love, and every lyric somehow applied to me.  You would think that I would have become indignant from his constant rejection.  I think I gave up on him for a little while during one of those “I’m better off without you” songs, but by the time I woke up in the morning, my obsession for Julian had risen from the ashes like a Phoenix after a constant repeat of some sappy ballad about how his eyes could see right through the darkness within me. 

             
I woke up early enough to avoid my parents all together and went off to school excited to see Julian again.  I waited for him at his locker so he’d have to bump into me and a couple of minutes before the first warning bell, he came.  “Hey.”

             
“Hi.”  He seemed uncomfortable, but why wouldn’t he feel that way?  “How was the reading?”

             
My heart sank into my stomach.  “Reading?”

             
He narrowed his eyes in on me.  “Didn’t you read your bible last night like I told you?”

             
“Well—”

             
“Don’t you dare lie!” he warned.

             
I took in a deep breath and exhaled sharply through my nostrils.  “Okay, fine!  I didn’t exactly start reading it.”

             
He frowned up his face really tight and shook his head at me.  “Michelle, why is it so difficult for you to do what I tell you?”

             
He’s not the boss of you!
  I ignored that thought.  That one was a little too obvious.  Besides, I was still in smitten mode.  “I’m sorry.  I was really upset, and I listened to music and basically drowned out all of my sorrows in the noise.”

             
“That’s your problem.  You’re trying to fix supernatural problems with worldly methods.  You need to listen to people with good spiritual insight and since I’m the only person you know with any knowledge of supernatural powers, you should listen to me.”

             
“Fine, I understand.  You don’t have to repeat anything.  I promise that I will read my bible.”

             
“You should come to my church too.”

             
My shoulders slumped.  “Why?”  I had been to church a few times in my life, and it was always for a funeral.  I was just kind of crept out by the whole vibe.  Besides, I knew plenty of people who went to church and were just as bad as the people that didn’t.

             
“If you read your bible, you would know that you’re supposed to honor the Sabbath.”

             
“Isn’t that technically Saturday?”

             
“No.  Technically, it starts sundown on Friday and don’t worry, we have Friday night services if it’s really that important to you, but I doubt that it is.”  He smiled smugly.

             
“Won’t I…Burst into flames or something?”  I felt silly for asking, but compelled anyway.

             
Julian chuckled.  “You’d be surprised how many demons sadly feel comfortable in the church.  Just because it’s a specific building, doesn’t make it any less evil.  It’s the people and the teachings inside.”

             
“And what about your church?  They don’t make demons tremble?”  I didn’t mean to mock him, but I knew that I did once those words left my mouth.

             
“I’ve been church searching for a while, and I’ve found the best one I can afford to travel to.  They teach solid principles, but you don’t feel much.  Nobody even knows that I have a demon.”

             
“Have you ever tried to get the demon out?”

             
“Oh yeah.  I tried everything that I’ve ever seen in every exorcist movie—apart from killing myself…Again.  I made a couple of visits to churches and people who claimed they could help with cases like mine, but my demon always made it into such a big game.”  He sighed with a hint of frustration.  “No one was ever close.”

             
“That’s heartbreaking.”  I sure didn’t want to deal with the demon for the rest of my life!  If nobody could help me get it out, then what was the point?

             
“Hey!”  Julian must have noticed how miserable I looked, and he playfully punched me in the shoulder.  “I believe there’s gotta be someone out there.  We just live in a small, secluded town with a bunch of alcoholics and people who practice witchcraft.  Everybody parties, and the only churches that actually teach strong biblical principles are full of old fogies that are a little judgmental.  The bigger churches teach fun and super tolerance, so nobody actually learns anything.” 

             
“I take it you’re in the old fogy’s church.”

             
“Well, I certainly don’t go to church for social gatherings.  Look at me!”  He pulled on his skeleton T-shirt with his hands covered in in spiky jewelry.  The only hint of religion was a silver ring with a cross on it, but it was easily overshadowed by his other hardware.  “I get judged all the time.”

             
“Then how can you stand it?”  That’s what I hated about churches the most. 

             
“Because it’s not about me or those people.  It’s about trusting God and becoming stronger so I can make a difference.  Christ was persecuted.  How can I expect any less?”

             
As usual, Julian didn’t really ease me into really wanting to go.  He just had a “suck it up” attitude that I knew I had to just accept or else.  “Okay.  I’ll go with you this Sunday.”

             
“That’s great.”  I actually made Julian smile genuinely.  “It’ll be nice having someone there with me that I can…Relate to.”

             
“It’s weird from just looking at the two of us and thinking that we have such a connection, especially one this deep.”

             
“Yeah…”  I think I made him feel awkward, but he wasn’t just awkward.  I think he was starting to feel what I was feeling.  His eyes weren’t as dark.  I think that’s when I started to realize that I didn’t just need him, but he needed me too.

             
“Hi, Michelle.”  I never would have thought that Michael would have appeared from the depths of his social standing to come speak to me, but he found the worst time possible.  “How are you doing?”

             
“You mean since I was forced to fight your ex’s sister and you did nothing but throw me under the bus?”

             
“Get lost,” Julian seethed. 

             
Michael glared at Julian before completely ignoring his warning.  “I’m sorry about that, Michelle.  I didn’t mean to hurt you.  I was just confused about everything, but I do really like you.  If you’re willing to give me the chance, I’d like to make it up to you.”

             
I looked at Julian.  It’s not like I needed his permission, but I didn’t want to make him unhappy and he certainly did look pretty pissed.  “I don’t know, Michael.  After the drama with your ex and the fight—”

             
“She’s not interested,” Julian said firmly.  “Just forget about her.”

             
Michael glared at Julian as he became offended.  “I think the lady can speak her own mind.  Just because you’re jealous—”

             
“Jealous?”  Julian laughed.  I don’t know why he did.  It wasn’t that farfetched was it?  I’m a good looking girl.  Julian should have been attracted to me unless he was gay and I knew he wasn’t.  There was no reason to act so repulsed by the suggestion of him being jealous that another guy appreciated that I was a catch.

             
Julian doesn’t deserve a girl like you.  At least Michael knows that you’re worth a shot.
  I hated to agree with my demon, but I did.  Maybe if I hadn’t spent my night brainwashing, I would have stormed off with Michael.  It would have been nice to really make Julian jealous, but I didn’t want to risk making him angry with me again.  “I’m not ready to engage in a relationship with anybody right now.  I do find you attractive, and I like you a lot, but I need to figure out some stuff about myself first.”

             
He looked disappointed but nodded.  “Okay.  I get it.  But when you do figure things out, I would like for you to figure out the next step with me.”

             
I noticed Julian rolling his eyes, and I’m certain that I was supposed to since it had an annoyed groan attached to it.  That really didn’t matter though.  “I’ll see you around, Michael.”

             
He nodded and walked away.  It was nice to know that I was desired after I embarrassed myself so much at school.  If everything didn’t work out with Julian, I could always get someone else.

             
But Julian wouldn’t like that.  He’ll always be too protective to let you be with anyone else. 

             
I ignored the demon in my head.  Besides, I didn’t want anyone else.

             
You should ask Julian the reason why he killed himself. 

             
I was beyond startled.  It was something I had thought about, but I didn’t want to press it.  However, I just got the chilling sense that his reason for killing himself was relatable to the situation I was in.

             
What don’t you just ask him? 

             
I must have been making a face, because he slightly glared at me.  “What’s going on, Michelle?  Are you hearing your demon again?”

             
I shrugged.  “I can handle it.  I know it’s not me, and that’s the first step, right?”

             
“Yeah.  That’s good.”  He smiled in a way I could tell he was really pleased.  Dare I say that he was almost proud?  “I wanna take you somewhere after school today.”

             
All of these girly feelings began exploding from inside of me.  “Like where?” 

             
“You’ll see.”

             
I knew better than to trick myself into thinking that it was someplace romantic, but I had to fight off that notion all day long.  If it was someplace personal, then that would mean that he had a new level of trust for me.  If it was someplace the two of us could just relax and hang out, I would assume that he was slyly trying to make it known that he liked me.  If it were somewhere that wasn’t a big deal, he would have just told me.  I had no idea.  I just knew that it was another opportunity to get closer to Julian.

             
While I was in my language arts class typing up a paper, I began to get curious about Julian’s suicide.  I shouldn’t have been fooling around on the computer.  I needed the time to type, but I was really curious.

             
Just ask Christie.