Almost Alive (17 page)

It had never been more apparent
than that day that eyes were always on me every time I spoke to either him or his sister.  “We should talk in private.”

“Sure.  We can ride together to—”

“Or I could follow you.”  I laughed nervously, because I didn’t know how else to fix the vibe between us.  I made everything bad, and it just started to become worse. 

“Or you can do that.”  I had no idea why he wanted me to be with him, but it was obvious that he wanted to bond with me. 

Uh-oh!  He’s starting to get all needy.  Maybe he’ll kill himself if you don’t ride with him.

“Unless you want me to ride with you.”

“No.  It’s fine.  I just thought it would be less gas for you, but I should have figured that it doesn’t matter to you so much.”

“Oh, that’s actually really sweet of you.”  I didn’t know he could be s
o nice.  My parents were loaded, so I didn’t really think about things like gas prices.  I guess that was another thing I took for granted in my so-called messed up life.  It was only polite to take him up on his offer.  “Of course I’ll ride with you, Julian.”

“Okay.”  I didn’t
know what was up with him.  Julian was all smiles all of the sudden. I figured he must have just been excited about wherever he was taking me, because he couldn’t have liked me. Every time I wanted to get closer, he just drew away.  Not even a night’s worth of brainwashing was enough to convince me that he had suddenly changed. 

He must not have heard anything about what I had asked about in school.  He probably would have been furious when he finally asked me, “W
hat is it that you wanted to talk about?”

I stared out of my window and kind of thought about opening the door and rolling out into the road.  There weren’t a lot of cars on the freeway.  Maybe I wouldn’t have died horribly.  I knew it would have hurt, but at least I could have spared myself from the conversation. 

“Don’t be a chicken,” he warned with a laugh.  “I need to start toughening you up, and brutal honesty is one of the best ways to do that.” 

I was once again reminded that he mostly wanted me to be his warrior for God and nothing more.  That reve
lation was enough to force myself to be cruel.  “I learned why you killed yourself and I know about Eleanor.”

I waited for his explanation.  After
his comment about toughening me up, I didn’t expect him to look at me with sad doe eyes when he should have been watching the road.  It felt like a long time that he watched me with a blank look, but we didn’t even swerve out of the lane.  He was always in control.  He wouldn’t even let his remark be anything that I would expect.  He laughed!  “Then you must think I’m the biggest douchebag in the world, huh?”

I wanted to spare him his feelings, but then I remembered that I wasn’t supposed to lie. 
“I kind of do…”  There was a part of me that wanted to scream at him for what he had done.  I wanted to tell him how much of a selfish loser he was and that Eleanor didn’t have any choice but to blame herself, but I would have been the biggest hypocrite in the world!  I think I might have even wanted my parents to feel guilty.  At least they would have finally cared. 

But Julian did care.  His crime was that he cared too much and he wasn’t thinking about anything other than being alone. 
“Did you truly love her?”

“I loved her more than anything.
”  I had never seen him look so sad before, but he was still smiling, and it was undeniable the way that he felt about her.  I didn’t have anyone in my life who felt that way about me.  “Being with Eleanor was the happiest I ever was.  She was what got me through my mother being sick.  It seemed more natural to want her than to breathe.”

Was it pathetic that I completely envied him? 
Was it worse that he didn’t want to live without the love he had lost or that I never had anything to love at all?  I didn’t know what it was like to be in love.  I wasn’t even sure if I had ever felt any form of it.  I hated being the void.  If he didn’t want to be alone anymore, maybe I could at least be a remnant of what he experienced and maybe I didn’t have to be empty.

“What happened to her family?”

“Before or after they tried to prosecute me and my sister?”  He turned to see my eyes buck.  “Yeah, it was pretty unbelievable, but I can’t really blame them.  I’m the reason why their daughter died.  She had two younger sisters and a newborn brother.  When you see people like me, you probably assume we’re all depressed and starving for affection, but she only did it to stand out and maybe appease me.  She was loved, and she had a future until I made her take it all away.”

I think I would have just given up on life if I w
ere him.  I would have given up on mine already if I didn’t have Julian by my side.  “You sound pretty okay considering.” 

“I have to accept
responsibility for my actions,” Julian said coldly.

“But in the end, she took her own life, Julian.
”  I respected him for taking responsibility, because he was absolutely wrong and despicable, but how could he be completely mentally stable if he had her death on his mind?  “Is this guilt healthy?”

“It’s realistic.”

“Have you ever tried to reconcile with her family?”

“I can’t. 
It’ll be too much.”  He shook his head and remained firm, even though I didn’t think I’d ever hear him admit to that.  “I’m not strong enough to face them, because my demon is waiting for their anger and my guilt.”

“But—”

“God doesn’t promise that we can handle everything.  Some temptation we have to flee.”  It certainly didn’t sound like Julian, but I guess he knew himself a lot better than I did.  It was best to just leave him be.

“Where are we going?”

“To a place very sacred to me.”  I assumed he meant a church, and I got a little bit anxious.  I knew he would drag me along to one eventually, but I was concerned that I would literally burst into flames or start cursing out a priest or vomit on the congregation, and I just couldn’t live with that kind of embarrassment.  But after hitting the freeway and driving about twenty miles, he got off at the exit and turned down a long dirt road. 

“Julian…”  I looked at my cell and noticed that I had absolutely no reception.  My parents didn’t even know where I
was, and though I usually wouldn’t have cared, I suddenly did.  “Are you gonna tell me what we’re doing out here?”

He sm
iled as we started approaching…Absolutely nothing!  He turned down another dirt road that had no sign and we started heading uphill.  The road was very narrow, and it made me nervous that there was another car that was going to come soon and force us to crash into a bunch of trees.  Then my imagination went further, and I imagined a barefoot family with shovels and shotguns chasing us down because they feared city folk.

“We’re here.”  The trees and the pathway spread out and revealed a large cottage house with a barn not too far away.  My fear began to subside as I began to realize that the house was more charming than creepy, but I did start to feel my heart race as an older gentleman somewhere in his fifties got off of his porch and ran to the car. 

“What are you doing here, Boy?”

“Julian!”  I started beating on his arm in a panic, hoping that he would understand that I wanted him to roll up his window and drive away quickly. 

Julian just laughed.  “That’s not a very good way to treat your nephew.”

             
“You should have called!” he scolded before relenting.  “It’s good to see you though.”  He smiled and patted Julian on the shoulder.  “Who is the pretty girl?”

             
My heart was still beating a little faster than I would have liked, but I smiled for the man and introduced myself with only a slight quiver in my voice.  “I’m Michelle.  I’m a friend of Julian’s.”

             
“You’ve got friends?” his uncle said in disbelief, but with a slight smile.

             
“Ha ha, Uncle Buck.  I didn’t come here for your smart mouth.  I came here to show her how to shoot.”

             
My eyes bucked.  “Like a gun?”

             
Uncle Buck laughed heartily.  “I’m not surprised you found an even bigger girl than you, though it couldn’t have been easy.”

             
I managed a little snicker before Julian cut his eyes at me.  “What?  It was funny.”

             
“Get out,” he warned friendly. 

             
As long as Julian’s uncle picked on him, I figured I was in a good place.  Maybe it was good for me to be out there in the open country air.  Of course it kind of smelled like manure, but it was beautiful, quiet, and there were no witches and whorish parents.  “I didn’t know Julian had an uncle.”

             
“Well, I kind of fell out with my younger brother.  We didn’t agree on who he was marrying.  We gave him an ultimatum, and he chose her.  I think he figured we’d come around, but he got the hint when his side of the family was missing at the wedding.”

             
I couldn’t imagine it.  At least my parents had the dignity to fake happy.  “What was so wrong with Julian’s mom?”

             
“She was a no good, tree hugging, crazy, socialist that—”

             
“Could we please not talk about my mother?” Julian said very offended and almost as a warning.

             
“Sorry, if I offended you.  If you start to cry and ruin your makeup, you know where the tissues are.” 

             
“Thanks.”

             
He patted Julian on the shoulder and then headed back inside of the house.  He certainly didn’t seem like he would be related to Julian any kind of way, but I guess they did kind of look alike in the face, and though Julian was slim, he had a good frame like his uncle.  It was just odd that his uncle wore plaid and worn out jeans while Julian wore black jeans so tight it was a wonder that he got them pulled up with his underwear on. 

“He’s a character.
”  I was suddenly so curious about Julian’s family.  I made the assumption that he was utterly and completely alone.  “I’m sure your mother’s political views weren’t the only reasons why your dad’s side of the family bailed.”

             
“They generally didn’t like anything about her.  They were rednecks who thought everything should be like the fifties, and she was a feminist who thought she could have it all.  They hunt their own food, and she’s the kind of person who released lobsters from restaurants.  They were just too extreme.  Then they couldn’t even agree on how to raise kids.  She kind of believed in letting us discover ourselves.”

“And then you and your sister both explored.”

“We did, but not my mother.  She may be really new age, but she’s not a witch.”

I was a little surprised that his mother could let him and his sister practice but had no interest in it at all. 
“How did you reconnect with your family?”

“I reached out after I started regaining control of myself.  They’re not exactly bible thumpers
, and they drink and swear occasionally, but they got the gist of things.  I started hanging out with my uncle, and he was a better shot than my mentor.”

He led me to the back of the house where there was a little boy handling a shotgun as easily as he would build a mound with a heap of clay.  I jumped with each shot.  I was terrified of the kickback and poking out my own eye, but I also thought it was kind of awesome how four cans were decimated and knocked off of the old battered wooden table with ease. 
“So this is where the magic happens?”

The little boy had an uncommon focus in his eyes, but
when he finished his round with the rifle, he had the most innocent smile when he saw Julian.  He didn’t say a word and rushed into Julian’s arms.  He was probably eight-years-old and had short brown hair and freckles.  I wouldn’t have guessed he was related to Julian besides when he was holding the gun.  Neither one of them spoke to each other.  They were just very expressive with their smiles.  It was kind of freaky seeing Julian smile that hard.

The little boy waved at me
, and I thought it was so cute.  “I’m Michelle.”

He wouldn’t speak.  He just looked up at Julian with a look of question.

“He’s deaf,” Julian said. 

“Oh.”  I
waved at him, and he waved shy and almost hid behind Julian.  When my smile bloomed, I noticed his cheeks reddening, and he rushed away back in the house. “He’s adorable.”

“And he’s an impressive shot.”
  Julian picked up ten cans lying across the yard and placed them on the table, but he separated them all at different lengths.  He was more than fifty yards away.  Then he just stepped a few feet to the side and crossed his arms.  “Give it a try.” 

I laughed to myself.  Julian was so going to die! 
“I’ve never fired a gun before.  I have no idea what to do.”

“Christ!” he yelled in horror
and threw his hands up into the air.  “Aren’t your parents republicans?”