Almost Alive (12 page)

             
“Talk straight to me.  Don’t exaggerate and don’t belittle anything.  The more I know, the more I can help.”  He glared in the slightest way, but I knew he was actually trying to help me out.

             
“Okay.”  He let me go, and I didn’t know what to do with myself, so I kicked and dug my shoe into the carpet.

             
“So,” he crossed his arms and glared a little more, “are you hiding anything from me?”

             
Maria.
  I was hiding my secret relationship with his so-called hell spawn of a sister.  I couldn’t tell him and go back on my word with her, because I would have told her a lie.  I couldn’t very well dodge the question, because he wouldn’t let it go!  “No.  I’m not.”

             
He inched in closer to stare deeply into my eyes, and I turned into such a chicken, but I shut my mouth up tight so I wouldn’t spill the beans.  “Good.  Now, let’s go back to class.”

             
As soon as he turned around, I breathed a quiet sigh of relief that I had somehow managed to trick him.  But two seconds later, I felt an odd queasiness and a quick but extremely painful ache in my stomach.  I winced and stumbled back a few steps.  “I need to get some air.  I’ll probably see you at lunch instead.”

             
He looked amazed.  “You lied to me.”

             
“What would I have to lie to you about?”

             
“Whatever you just lied about!”  He grabbed my arms and tried whatever soul-searching thing he usually did when he looked into my eyes and spoke sternly.  “Don’t be stupid.”

             
“I’m fine.  It’s just cramps.”  That was enough to make him disgusted enough to let me go.  No, I don’t think he believed me.  That didn’t really matter.  I just needed some alone time for whatever was happening to me.  “I’ll see you at lunch.

             
I didn’t care if I didn’t have his permission.  He couldn’t help me anyway.  I needed medicine or to take a nap.  It wasn’t anything out of the ordinary.  It was just nausea caused by my freak out.  I was having a hard time walking without stumbling, but the bathroom wasn’t far.  I reached for the wall for support and I ended up falling on it.  My body felt incredibly heavy, and my legs were beginning to forget what they were made for.  My brain had to remind them, and I think they were pretty bitter about it.  They gave me too much trouble.

             
As soon as I came into the bathroom, my legs gave out, and I slid on the ground with my back pressed on the wall.  It didn’t hurt anymore, but I felt empty, like there wasn’t any strength or reason left within me.  Something was definitely wrong, and it was unlike anything I had ever felt before.

             
“Maybe you’re hungry.”  I raised my head and saw the demon grinning from ear to ear in an unnatural way that my face could never physically make.  “I think I was so annoying earlier because I was starving, but now I feel great since I’m stuffed!”

             
I was struck with fear, and my hands started to shake.  I didn’t want to cry in front of it.  I did my best, but the tears were there in my eyes, and I couldn’t stop them.  “You’re lying!”

             
“No.  I’m not.”  It laughed and got on its hands and knees, crawling to me like a lioness.  “I just ate a piece of your soul, and it was quite delicious.”  It licked its lips in what was meant to be a seductive manner, but it couldn’t get halfway through its task before laughing hysterically at me.

             
“But it was only a white lie...”

             
“God isn’t racist, Sweetheart.  A lie is a lie.  What you see as practical, God sees as damnation.  You call it fun, God calls it an abomination. You have your freedom, God calls you a sinner.”

             
“God didn’t eat my soul!”

             
“No, but God didn’t stop me either.”  It was right about that.  Wasn’t my soul supposed to be something so precious to God?  Why did I have a leech sucking it dry?  “You gave up your right to a soul when you said ‘screw you God!  You can’t make my life better.  I’d much rather die.’  Then you became my plaything.”

             
There had to be a way.  I didn’t even know God existed before.  I didn’t tell him anything.  I just did what I did because I was miserable.  He had to understand that.  There had to be a way to save myself.  I couldn’t accept that I was doomed.  “I’ll stop you.”

             
“How?  You couldn’t stop me before and you just made me stronger.”  It laughed annoyingly like it was trying to rub it in and then the demon stopped quickly and pouted.  “It’s so frustrating, isn’t it?”

             
“We’ll win.”  I wiped my tears and sniffed up my snot and whatever else I had to in order to look like a challenge.  I would not let myself be mocked forever.  “Julian will help me.”

             
“You won’t listen to Julian!  Clearly.  You’re gonna screw this up, and I’m gonna eat your soul.  Then I’m gonna probably kill your parents.”

             
I got so angry that I wanted to punch it in the face!  It sucked that it wasn’t a real thing.  I couldn’t let it destroy my parents.  In spite of everything I’d been through with them, they were still my flesh and blood.  If they weren’t safe from me, there had to be something I could do to protect them.  “If that’s what you wanna do, then why are you waiting?  You could possess me.”

             
It smiled in a very snarky manner.  “That’s not important.  The important thing is that I don’t have to eat your soul.”

             
“But you want my body,” I said confused.

             
It smiled innocently and spoke so sweetly.  “We could share.”

             
“No!”  I thought I had begun to figure it out.  Julian told me not to entertain it or give in.  Maybe to have my body forever, it needed my cooperation.  I needed to fight it somehow.  When I knew something was bad, I just wouldn’t do it.  I would change.  I didn’t need to make any deals with a demon!

             
“It’s half or nothing!” It snapped.  I must have looked frightened.  I felt frightened.  I think it enjoyed that, but it pulled itself together and stopped from appearing so snarky.  “We both know you’re not gonna last.  Besides, there are perks to having a demon on your side.”

             
I didn’t believe that at all.  “Like what?”  I only asked because I couldn’t resist retorting back sarcastically.

             
“Let me help you out with Victoria and you’ll see.”

             
I didn’t take very long to think about.  Because of how I felt with my soul gone, I didn’t have many options.  “I think I’ll take my chances.”  I was afraid to feel the pain from Victoria’s might, but it couldn’t possibly be worse than having more of my soul ripped from me.

             
The demon pouted hard until its bottom lip folded over and curved into its chin.  “Suit yourself.”

             
I blinked, and it was gone.  I didn’t feel the demon in my head.  The sickness was gone as well, but not that feeling that there was something missing.  There was actually a piece of me gone, and I had no idea if and how I could get it back.  I wasn’t sure how much different I would be without whatever the demon stole, but I, unfortunately, knew that she would be much more difficult to handle.

             
I stayed in the bathroom for a while longer.  I felt strong enough physically to get up, but I wasn’t all there mentally.  I really, really wished that I could have done something differently before killing myself.  Life sucked, but the consequences of my actions sucked a whole lot worse.  Of course, I didn’t think there would be any consequences.  I thought it would be over.  An afterlife of nothing would be better than a life full of emptiness. 

             
I wished I knew about heaven and hell before, and I wondered what God was thinking through my struggle.  Was I getting exactly what I deserved?  Did he find vindication in my suffering or was he waiting for me to do something?  But maybe I couldn’t afford to wait on God.  Maybe it was time to fight back.

             
I pulled myself together and met up with Julian in the cafeteria.  It was just the two of us alone at a table.  Maria tried to join a table and everyone literally got up and left.  I turned to Julian to guilt trip him with my eyes, but his will was an unmovable force.  It was really a lost cause.  I had to be a jerk while I was around him.

             
“You’ll get used to ignoring people that are bad for you.”

             
“What about compassion?  Isn’t that one of the things Jesus was known for?”

             
“I’m a warrior.  I’m not a saint.  Let some other holy roller worry about that.  And Jesus didn’t have any compassion when he was beating people with whips or insulting them.  We can’t afford to tolerate evil.  Ever.  It is what it is.  Besides, you’re wearing out all of my compassion and patience.”

             
“But Maria isn’t evil.”

             
“Maybe not in her heart, but she’s not doing good.”

             
“What do you mean by that?”

             
He shook his head and continued to stare at his food while he ate, probably because he felt too guilty to look me in the eye.  “Maria is my burden.  I’ll deal with her.”

             
“This is ridiculous!” I banged my fists on the table out of sheer frustration.  “You want me to be completely honest with you, but you won’t tell me the one thing I ask about constantly that I should for sure know about!”

             
He finished chewing on his sandwich that he had in his mouth, managing to look ticked off and smug while he did it.  Then he swallowed hard and looked at me.  “You wanna know?  Fine.  Maria is a—”

             
“Hi guys.”  I jumped.  I did not notice Maria coming up to us at all.  It was sort of incredibly creepy.  “I was wondering if—”

             
“No,” Julian said.  “And you know better than to ask.”

             
I knew that I was supposed to stay strong and pretend like I didn’t wanna be her friend, but I couldn’t take how pitiful she looked.  “Of course you can sit with us.”

             
She smiled as if I told her Santa was real and was coming early this year or something like that.  She was desperate for a friend and whatever evil Julian thought she possessed probably could have been cast out if she had the comfort of a shoulder to cry on.  I knew from experience that Julian’s company sucked, but it was unfortunately better than nothing. 

             
She took a seat next to me and tried not to look at Julian.  He did his best to ignore her too.  It was very uncomfortable, but she broke the silence.  “I heard my name when I came up.  Were you guys talking about me?”

             
Julian made eye contact with her and stared bitterly into her soul.  “I was going to tell Michelle what you are.”

             
Her eyes bucked just enough to show herself desperate.  “Please don’t.”

             
“You’re ashamed?”  I was officially freaked out.  I really didn’t think there was a real honest to God reason that was reasonable for Julian to treat his sister with such disdain.

             
“I’m not ready for you to know.  I think it would freak you out.”

             
She was right, but I tried to not be freaked out or at least appear that way.  “I swear I won’t judge.”

             
“Of course you will!  Everyone does.  Let’s just leave our relationship as it is.”

             
I looked at Julian who was looking at me like I was the biggest fool in the world.  I was starting to understand that I was royally screwing up with Maria, but I couldn’t take his arrogant scowl.  “Fine then,” I told her.

             
He rolled his eyes and tried to ignore the both of us. 

             
Maria was antsy.  She tried eating her salad, but she was really just pushing everything around while shifting her eyes back at Julian every couple of seconds.  She did want to be my friend, but I think she was using me to somehow get back in the good graces of her brother.  She was so nervous that it made me question whether they spoke to each other at home at all.  How could their parents tolerate their behavior if that were the case?  “How is school, Julian?”

             
“I’m still getting all good grades.”

             
“That’s perfect!”  She genuinely seemed surprised.  “If only your grades were better last year.  You could have been number one in your graduating class.”

             
“Was last year when you went off the deep end?” I asked him.

             
“We got him back, which is the most important thing.”  Maria smiled at her brother sincerely.  “I’m glad you’re better now.”