A Love Like This (26 page)

What a damn nightmare! And now, it was
screwing up my life as well. I reached out to Julia once more, and
she flinched again.

“Julia,” I said more forcefully. “I’m sorry.
Don’t pull away from me.”

My words just made matters worse. She curled
into a tighter ball away from me, scooting to the very edge of the
bed, so I moved in closer, propping my head up on my hand. I was as
close as I could get without touching her. I felt the heat
radiating off of her body onto mine, and she must surely feel my
breath on her shoulder. I leaned in to kiss it softly. The sweet
coconut scent of her shampoo engulfed me, but she stiffened even
more when my lips touched her skin. My heart fell. Her hair was
still damp from her shower, and I wanted to hold her and feel her
body yielding to mine. Soft, warm and wanting… my Julia. I closed
my eyes in the dark and inhaled deeply when I was met with her
silence.

“Babe, will you talk to me?”

“I’m tired, Ryan, okay? Just go to
sleep.”

If her stiff posture wasn’t enough, the
tremble in her voice showed her internal battle, and her words were
like a slap in the face. We never went to bed without kissing
goodnight, which usually ended up in the glorious lovemaking I
craved. We couldn’t keep our hands off of each other, so we had a
huge problem.

“Not until you kiss me,” I said softly, my
hand stroking her wet hair. “I love you.”

“I know. But I’m tired. I don’t want to talk
right now.” Her voice was quiet, but with a heavy thickness to it.
I hated that she was hurting.

“I didn’t ask you to talk. I asked you to
kiss me,” I said softly, still stroking her hair, threading my
fingers through it in a way that I knew weakened her resolve.
Usually.

“Well, I don’t want to kiss you right now,
either!” Her tone hardened and my hand stilled instantly.

I rolled on to my back with a sigh and ran
both hands through my hair.
Fuck!

“Julia. I know you’re upset about the phone
call, and I’m sorry, okay?” I said in frustration. “You know the
situation.”

“I said, I don’t want to talk about it,
Ryan! That woman is everywhere, so can we please keep her out of
our damn bed, at least?” she asked angrily.

“Well,
I want
to talk about it. I
can’t stand it when you pull away from me. Just…
quit it
!” I
turned toward her and reached for her again quickly, but she
reacted just as fast by jumping out of the bed, grabbing her pillow
and racing around to the end of it. “What are you doing?” I asked
in surprise as I sat up. It never occurred to me that she would
walk out.

“I’m sleeping in the other room. I don’t
want…” her voice cracked slightly as she moved toward the door. “I
can’t be with you right now. I need to be alone.”

I watched in disbelief as Julia exited the
room and then jumped from the bed and rushed after her, not even
caring that I was naked. By the time I’d made it to the hallway,
she’d already reached the spare room and closed the door with a
heavy bang behind her.

“Julia, don’t do this. Come on.” My hand
closed around the doorknob, only to find it locked, and anger
welled up within me. “You fucking
locked
the door?” I
rattled the knob loudly as I stood there, unsure of what to do
next. This was new territory. She never shut me out like this.
“Julia!” I yelled and slammed my open hand on the door several
times. “Goddamn it! Open up this door right
now
!”

“Just stop it, Ryan! It’s midnight for God’s
sake! Just leave me alone!” I could hear the thickness of her voice
and knew she was crying. Suddenly, my anger dissipated into thin
air.

I leaned my head on the door and ran my hand
over the wood. “Baby, I’m sorry. Please don’t cry. I can’t stand it
when you cry.”

She didn’t answer in words, but I could hear
her sobbing softly behind the door. “I love you, and I want to
finish what we started earlier. I’m sorry. I wouldn’t have taken
the call, but I didn’t check who it was. Please come back to bed
with me. Julia!”

Again, she didn’t answer. I wasn’t sure how
long I stood there waiting and listening with my hand and forehead
on the door. Her crying finally stopped, and I realized she must
have fallen asleep. My heart ached. I knew we’d get past this and
talk it out tomorrow. I was grateful for my day off, but it hurt
that we were going to bed angry enough to sleep separately. It
never happened before. Not
once
. Even before we were
married, even on the night she told me she was going to Paris
before her damned accident. In almost five years, I’d never slept
under the same roof with her when she wasn’t in my arms, except for
the few months she’d lost her memory.

I couldn’t breathe as I walked back to our
room and fell heavily on the bed. I flung my arm over my eyes as my
throat started to ache.
Jesus, what was I thinking?
How
could I think that this shit wasn’t going to eventually come back
to bite me in the ass? How could I think that Julia would be left
untouched, no matter how badly she felt for Jane? I knew how I’d
feel if the situation was reversed. Devastated. Insane. I’d want to
kill something.

This was going to be one long fucking
night.

~8~

I couldn’t sleep. I tossed. I turned. I got
up for water and wandered around the apartment to stand at the
window in the living room to watch the twinkling lights of
Manhattan. I wasn’t sure what the right move would be. Should I go
to Julia or wait until she came to me? I had to be straight with
Jane. I wasn’t an idiot. I could see her growing more attached to
me, more reliant, and to offset it, I talked about Julia even more;
hoping to God, Jane would get the hint. If only Daniel wasn’t such
a fucking pussy, I wouldn’t be having this problem. If only
I
wasn’t such a fucking pussy I wouldn’t be in this mess. I
sighed and ran my hand through my hair. Grateful was grateful, but
this was something else entirely, and I needed to find a delicate
way to fix it.

I got up and glanced at the clock. It was
too late to call Aaron, but I needed to talk to someone. I could
call Jane and let her see how she was coming between my wife and
me. Maybe then she’d back off. Fuck, I couldn’t call Jane. Despite
my intentions for the call, Julia would go ballistic.

I went back into the bedroom and paced
around, straining to hear something coming from Julia; but all that
met my ears was silence. My hand hesitated over my phone and then I
pulled it away.

“Damn it to hell!” I murmured in
frustration. I reached for the phone again, and this time picked it
up and punched Aaron’s speed dial as I made my way back into the
living room.

It rang three times before Aaron’s groggy
voice picked up. “What is it, Ryan? Is everything okay? It’s the
middle of the night!”

I sighed and sat down on the couch but
leaned forward, resting my elbows on my knees and my head in my
free hand. “Yeah. No…fuck, I don’t know, Aaron!”

“Hold on… I need to go in the other room. I
don’t want to wake up Jenna,” he said softly. I could hear the
rustling of the bed covers and then a door open and shut before he
spoke again. “Okay. Talk.”

“Julia and I had a big blow up a couple of
hours ago. Now she’s locked in the spare room, and I can’t get her
to answer me.”

“Christ. Is it about that woman?”

“What?” I asked, surprised. Then it dawned
on me. Julia had talked to Jenna.

“What did Jenna tell you?”

“She wouldn’t say much; said she promised
Julia she’d keep their conversations secret, but she did mumble
something about the woman who was hurt that same night you
were.”

“Yeah. Jane.”

“Yes, that’s her. Why would Jules be upset
about her?”

“Jane called while we were decorating the
tree. She was hysterical, crying about her boyfriend leaving her. I
couldn’t just hang up on her! I wanted to, but she’s lost so
much.”

I heard Aaron expel his breath. “Explain it
to Julia. She’ll understand.”

“Well, that’s so easy! Why in hell didn’t I
think of that?” I spat sarcastically, and then continued. “Julia
doesn’t understand. Last night, we’d planned the tree thing, but
Jane was crying about that asshole at work, and I invited them to
dinner.”

“So, two nights in a row? Are you
crazy?”

“Yesterday, I only asked her because I
thought if we could get her man to spend time with her, he’d pay
her some attention, and she’d stop being so needy. But tonight, I
didn’t know who was on the phone. All this shit doesn’t even
matter. She interrupted our evening, and the next thing I knew,
Julia was cleaning up the boxes and turning her back on me in
bed.”

“Shit, Ryan. I know you feel grateful, I
would too, but for fuck’s sake, don’t let it mess with your
marriage.”

I shoved back until I was slouched against
the back of the couch. “It isn’t like that. Jane’s a friend, and
that’s it. She’s a good person who saved my life, and yeah, I feel
that I owe her.”

“Ryan, you just said she was needy. You have
to stop and consider how this looks to your wife. I’m sure Jules is
grateful, too, man, but she probably feels isolated and shut out
from this thing you’ve got going with this Jane chick.”

I flushed, instantly stood up angrily and
walked to the window again. “I don’t have any type of
thing
going with Jane, Aaron! I would never screw around on Julia! I
thought I made that point when I beat the shit out of you at the
gym. You know how much she means to me.” My throat constricted and
my lungs wouldn’t expand.

Aaron’s voice was calm and still low. “I’m
not accusing you of fucking Jane, Ryan, but the two of you shared
this near-death experience, and it would be natural to bond over
it. That being said, you need to keep it in perspective. It’s
always been you and Julia and it may be hard for her to see you get
close to someone else.”

“But, I’m not
trying
to be close to
Jane. I’m just helping her right now. She doesn’t have anyone else.
Her boyfriend is a dick. Jesus Christ, she got disfigured, and her
life changed forever because of me. She can’t have kids, Aaron.
What the fuck am I supposed to do? Abandon her? I’m sure Julia
knows it, but she’s pulling away from me anyway and I…” I sighed
deeply, feeling defensive. Hadn’t I just told myself I had to
man-up with Jane? “I am not dealing with it well. She doesn’t trust
me, which pisses me off. After everything we’ve been through, she
has to know that I’d never let anyone come between us. Yet, here we
sit in this shit storm.”

“Just cool it with Jane, and try to make
sure Julia knows she’s the most important woman in your life.”

“I do already. Jesus.”

“Listen, you hard-headed son-of-a bitch,”
Aaron rasped out. “Don’t forget what Julia went through when you
were on lockdown in the hospital that night. She thought you might
have been killed. She’s the one who loves you, and has the most to
lose if something happened to you. So wise the fuck up, Ryan. Julia
went through it too. Just in a different way. She needs you. Jane
may have saved you, but Julia almost lost you, and she’s probably
afraid she’s losing you all over again.”

I stood there, stone still and listened to
my brother’s wise words. Words that ate away like acid in my gut.
My heart broke that Julia could doubt my love or devotion for a
single minute, but maybe he was right. “Fuck, when did you turn
into a woman?” I tried to smile but didn’t quite get the job done.
I was tired, and my chest ached.

Aaron chuckled. “Just think about what I
said.”

I ran my hand through my hair, and heard the
door to the spare room open slowly.

“Um, Aaron, I need to go. I’ll call you
tomorrow. I think I hear Jules.”

“Okay, man. Don’t fuck this up, Ryan. I
won’t be able to live with your sorry ass if she leaves you.”

“I won’t. Thanks, man. Bye.” My heart
thudded in my chest as I watched Julia walk slowly toward me, still
dressed in one of my T-shirts. It hung loosely over her small form,
leaving a long expanse of her legs completely bare. Her eyes were
dark and sad as she looked up at me, leaving me aching to touch her
and pull her close. I threw the phone down on the couch not caring
where it landed.

“That was just Aaron.” I said quickly,
making sure she knew I wasn’t speaking to Jane again. She nodded
but didn’t say anything. Still, I waited.

Finally, she reached for my hand and our
fingers threaded together. I let my other one move up to cup her
face in a gentle caress. Her cheek and the hair around her face
were still damp, but this time from her tears, not her shower.

“I can’t sleep without you,” she whispered
softly. Instantly, I enfolded her in a tight embrace and my lips
came down on the top of her head as her arms wound around my waist.
I was shirtless and her hands moved up my back as she pressed her
cheek to my chest.