A Love Like This (27 page)

“Oh, babe, me either.” I turned her back
toward our bedroom.

We walked, arms wrapped around each other,
down the hallway to our room and wordlessly moved to the edge of
the bed. She crawled in ahead of me, and I dropped my pajama
bottoms before lying down and pulling her next to me. She snuggled
in close, our legs entwining. I had one arm around her back, and
Julia rested her head in the crook of my shoulder, her fingers
softly rubbing my chest. I reached up and grabbed her hand,
pressing it down over my heart. I hoped she could feel it beating
and know that, without her, it would surely stop. I held onto her
for dear life and turned my face into her sweet smelling hair. “I
can’t stand it when you pull away from me…”

“It…
hurts
. I know what’s going on
with Jane, but I just… I can’t help it,” she said into the
darkness. The ache in her voice was unmistakable and it weighed
heavily on my heart. I couldn’t see her face because it was nestled
into the curve of my neck, but I knew her brow would be furrowed
and exactly the pain I would find on her features. “And then I feel
ashamed.”

“Julia. You know that nothing will come
between us. I just feel sorry for this girl, and grateful. She
bought us some time during a scary situation, and I feel
responsible, that’s all.”

“I know… me, too.”

I could feel her nod slightly against my
chest.

“But it still hurts that you give so much of
your time to her. Hearing the tender tone in your voice when you
speak to her,” Julia’s voice thickened. “That’s how you speak to
me. And I hardly see you now. She talks to you more than I do, and
I guess… it’s just, we get so little time together; I wanted
tonight. I know it’s selfish, but I’m jealous. I don’t mean to be,
but it hurts so much that she gets so much of you.”

My arms tightened around her and I rolled us
over until she was beneath me, so I could look into her face. I
wanted her to feel engulfed by me, to physically feel the weight of
my words and the love behind them. I studied her shadowed features
and then smoothed the frown from between her brows with my
thumb.

“Hey, she gets my friendship and that’s it.”
I looked seriously into the green depths that were glistening as
she fought back the tears. Her throat moved as she swallowed. “I
can’t believe you don’t know that
nothing
will ever come
between us. I love you more than life, and I know you
feel
that,” I whispered against her skin and kissed her cheekbone with
gentle lips. I tasted the salt of her silent tears on my tongue. I
could feel her nod against me. “Then what’s this all about?” My
mouth found hers softly, and it sprung to life underneath mine,
opening, seeking more pressure, which I was only too happy to give
her. “You’re
it
for me,” I said breathlessly between the
kisses that were growing deeper and more and more passionate. “I
don’t ever want to be without you, and I never want a locked door
between us again,” I groaned into her mouth as she sucked my tongue
in and surged her hips against mine. I was rock hard and ready,
just as I was each time we touched. I moved against her, creating
the delicious friction we both craved. If I just moved a fraction
of an inch, I could be deep inside her. “Not being able to get to
you is the worst thing you can do to me. Nothing can separate us,
Julia. Ever.”

My hands were holding both sides of her
head, and her fingers were wound in my hair as we kissed hungrily,
the passion between us was palpable. Part of me wanted to remove my
shirt from her body, to kiss all over her, and another part of me
was so damn hungry and desperate to claim her and reassure myself
that she belonged to me, that I needed to be inside her
immediately.

“Ugnnhhhh…” she moaned, when I could hold
back no longer, I slid deeply into her. She was hot and wet as I
pushed into her, hard. Over and over, I thrust into her as I
continued to kiss her hungrily. Our mouths were mating like our
bodies, a hot mash-up of frenzy and reverent worship. I would never
get enough of her love. Her jealousy made my heart tighten and
fill. If I didn’t already know she loved me beyond possibility, she
showed me over and over. I moved my hips in circles, pressing into
her pubic bone to stimulate her clitoris and when I felt her
clenching around me each time I pounded into her, I knew I was
hitting the mark. I wanted to see her come. The little mewling
sounds she was making deep within her throat were driving me wild
with desire.

“Oh God, Julia.” I punctuated my words with
my hard thrusts into her. “You’re all I want. You’re all I ever
need.” We were both frantic in our lovemaking; her tears were still
on my tongue as I kissed her over and over. “Tell me you know that.
Tell me that you know how much I fucking love you.”

“I know it, Ryan,” she gasped against my
mouth, “Uhh, uhh, uhh,” her breath rushed out each time I pushed
into her, filling her to the hilt. “Uhh, I love you, too. So
much.”

“Baby, I know. I know, Julia.” She was
clenching and releasing each time I moved in her, and it was
killing me. “Julia, baby, I need to hear you. Jesus, I can feel you
getting close,” I said just before I crushed her mouth beneath
mine, hungry to taste her again, to be completely lost in her. All
of my senses were overwhelmed.

She whimpered into me as I felt the trembles
start to overtake her, and I let myself explode into her little
body. Thrusting in as deep as I could, and deeper as she raised her
knees even higher around my waist. “Uhhhhhhh…. Julia, uhhhhhh,” I
grunted as I came hard, pushing in as deep as I could get.

We lay entwined like that, my face buried in
her hair as we both struggled for breath. Her hands were gentle now
as she stroked my back, over my neck, and up in my hair. She sent
little tingles down my spine as her fingers stroked over and over.
I couldn’t help but hope we’d conceived.

“So incredible,” I whispered against her
mouth and then licked her upper lip with my tongue before she
tilted her head and sucked my top lip in to nibble at it softly. I
felt my heart squeeze in my chest as I pushed her damp hair off of
her beautiful face and nuzzled against her cheek, very softly.
“You’re so beautiful, and I love you. There is no way I’ll ever let
anything destroy this.”

“I know you love me, Ryan. But every minute
you spend with her is a minute you’re not with me. I know it’s
selfish, and I feel shitty about it, but it feels like you’re
giving her something that belongs to me, and I don’t have anything
to say about it. I don’t want to lose any part of you.” Her eyes
closed and tears squeezed out from under her lids, and I sucked in
air until my lungs couldn’t hold anymore. How could she think that
there would ever be anyone that could touch the way I felt about
her? “What we have is so special, Ryan.”

“So, why are you worried? You have every
right to feel that way, but it’s needless. Whenever you have these
doubts, please remember that you are everything to me.
Everything
. If I had to die to prove it to you, I’d
die.”

Her arms tightened, her fingers pulled at my
flesh, and she gasped. Her voice was full of tears. “Don’t say
that,” she begged. “Please don’t say that.”

“It’s the truth. Nothing matters more than
you.”

*****

On Monday morning, I went into the hospital
with purpose. I would find Jane and try to explain the situation
with Julia. Saturday had been an amazing, slow-paced day spent
grocery shopping, working out, and making Christmas cookies. It
reminded me of the more carefree time at Stanford, when we were
inseparable, and I enjoyed every minute of it. Julia carefully
packed up boxes for both sets of parents, Aaron and Jenna, and of
course, Ellie. Her face showed her sadness as she made a separate
package for Harris. I knew what she was thinking and simply wrapped
my arms around her from behind and rested my head on her shoulder
while she wrote the address on the box with a Sharpie marker.

“I think this is fun. Who needs to spend
loads of money on Christmas? It’s been a great day.” I cocked my
head to kiss the skin behind her ear, and she sighed softly,
pushing the box away and turning in my arms. What began as a soft
kiss, turned into a passionate lovemaking session that lasted the
rest of the afternoon and on into the evening. Afterward, we were
both starving, so I started a fire while Julia ordered Chinese
delivery. We planned to wrap up together on the couch and watch a
movie for the rest of the night.

The day had been perfect except for three
awkward moments. My pager went of twice, and then Jane called my
personal cell. In light of what happened on Friday night, Julia
visibly stiffened when it rang around 9 PM. My parents had called
earlier, and I’d answered, so when I shut it down instead of
picking up, the reason was obvious. I hadn’t done anything to cross
the line with Jane anyway, but still, I felt guilty, and that
pissed me off. The day had been close to perfect, although I pushed
down the part of me that was still mad that Julia would feel even
the least bit insecure. As far as I was concerned, nothing had
changed between us, and she needed to just see my friendship with
Jane for what it was.

After the call, something shifted, and the
closeness of the day disappeared in a puff of smoke. We went to bed
in an uncomfortable silence, both of us hardly speaking. I was torn
between not wanting to make things worse and shouting that she was
crazy to feel insecure at all. In the end, I shut my mouth, because
the night before, she’d asked me to keep the topic of Jane out of
our bedroom, but not being able to talk to Julia about anything and
everything did not sit well. I could feel her mind working, even in
the dark, wondering why Jane had my personal number. I didn’t sleep
very well, to say the least.

This morning, Julia left early, leaving me a
note that she had a breakfast meeting with Meredith, who was in New
York for the week. My anger softened when I saw the plate of treats
she’d left for me to share at the hospital. It was an obvious white
flag. I huffed in amusement. I shouldn’t have been surprised by the
gesture. At heart, Julia was the most generous and giving person
I’d ever known.

I pulled one of my favorite cranberry
cookies from underneath the cellophane before dropping the plate
off at the ER desk and heading down to the lounge to lock up my
coat and phone. I nodded to Caleb and two of the other nurses. One
of them was new and I hadn’t met her yet. She was standing next to
Kari, but there was no sign of Jane. I felt slightly relieved for
the brief reprieve from the conversation I dreaded. I stuffed the
whole cookie in my mouth and chewed. It had to happen sooner than
later because nothing made me more miserable than being at odds
with Julia. There was an envelope taped to my locker from the Chief
of Staff’s office. My request for New Year’s Eve off had been
accepted, and I was pleased to see my shift on Christmas Eve ended
at 7. Ideally, I would have liked the entire day off so Julia and I
could have driven up to Boston, but it was already more than I’d
hoped for.

The ER was quiet when I returned, and I was
resolved to get things with Jane ironed out. She was behind the
nurses’ station, entering information into one of the patient’s
computer files. When she saw me, she stood and rushed over, her
expression lighting up. “Hi, Ryan,” she said brightly. No sign of
the hysterics that I’d dealt with during our last phone call. Now
that Julia opened my eyes, I could see what she saw, I had to be
honest. Jane was a little over-enthusiastic to see me.

“Hey,” I tried to dismiss her, walking
behind the desk and shoving my ID card into the computer to look
over the cases. Still, Jane hovered near. I needed to be brought up
to speed for the shift change, so I turned my attention to the
computer and to Caleb.

“It’s been pretty quiet, Ryan,” Caleb said,
glancing behind me at Jane. His discomfort at her attention to me
was clear.

“Who’s the most critical?” I asked, still
ignoring the woman behind me.

“Room three. The patient is complaining of a
migraine headache, severe body pain, and lethargy.”

“Is the pain manifesting in a specific
region of the body?”

“Pretty much radiating everywhere, even in
her bones. I ordered the standard blood work-up, but the results
aren’t back yet. I haven’t prescribed anything for pain because I
wanted to try and figure out what caused it first.”

The woman must have been in misery because I
could hear the moans from the other side of the ER. “I understand,
but I think a small does of morphine in the IV is called for by the
sound of things. Have you looked for parasites or viruses?” I typed
the orders in, with the attending physician, Dr. Jameson looking
on. I glanced his way. He was giving me the nod with a small smile,
so I typed in the orders.

“No, that’s a good idea. There is also an
elderly man in room 7. Chest film showed pneumonia. He’s being
admitted.”

“Obviously, IV antibiotics are already
ordered?” I asked, and Caleb nodded. There wasn’t more we could do
in the ER. When he nodded, I continued. “How is he breathing?”

“Not great. His blood pressure is a little
lower than we’d like. We’re sending him to ICU.”

“Ryan,” Jane interrupted.

I turned abruptly and met her eyes. “Jane,
if this isn’t about the patients, we’ll talk later.”

“But I…”

“Later,” I said firmly. The last thing I
needed was the attending and the rest of the staff looking on to a
personal conversation when I had work to be done. “As you can see,
I’m in the middle of a brief. Please go draw another vile of blood
from the patient in room three, and send it to the lab. Have it
tested for viruses and organisms. I’m particularly looking for Lyme
disease. And administer 10 mils of morphine into her IV.”