A Breath Until Forever (26 page)

Well then that will be very good then.” Meredith weakly smiled.

Benjamin had noticed a strain in her voice. “You okay?" He asked.  Is everything alright? You seem to be different  since you returned back from this last trip.”

“I'm fine Benjamin.”

“You would tell me if something was wrong, wouldn't you/”
 

“
Of course.”

“I'm going back inside. This heat is too much for me.”

Benjamin started to walk back inside the house, when he suddenly stopped. “You joining me? Dallas is on. Do you want to watch it with me?"

“No, it's really nice outside, I think I”ll stay outside for a while longer. “Meredith said.

“Okay, but if you change your mind, you know where I will be.” Benjamin said. Right before he went in he hesitated, the door half open. “You sure you are okay Meredith?”

“Really, I”m fine.” Meredith comforted. “But thanks for your concern.”

Benjamin half smiled. He nodded slightly. Then he went inside. Leaving Meredith all alone again, but not without the company of that sun and her thoughts.

Benjamin wasn't stupid. She was preoccupied. With Joshua. Dreaming of him, and his touch, his laughter, his smiles. She missed him so very much.

She was afraid to go to sleep with Benjamin tonight. She knew that he would probably have sex tonight and she just couldn't do that. Sex with Benjamin was a chore. Just like doing the dishes or laundry. He would climb on top, do his business, then climb back down and fall asleep. Even though she was no longer with Joshua and Benjamin was her husband she almost felt that if she gave herself up to Benjamin that she would feel like it was cheating. She would feel dirty. Like a whore. She knew these thoughts were distorted, and it was messed up but she couldn't help what she was feeling. She acknowledged what she was feeling and knew she had to get over Joshua soon and quick because if she didn't any future of her marriage was going to end up in disaster. And she would be left penniless, without anyone and in all of it, probably lose her son. She knew her son too well and that he adored his father, admired him completely and probably take his side if it ever got that far and Benjamin and Meredith fought in a spousal war.

Meredith was tired. She wanted to crawl back into bed, pull the covers up over her face and slip away into a deep coma. But she couldn't do that, not now. She wanted to close her eyes, still be awake but yet be dreaming and relive all of those special moments her and Joshua shared. They were magical moments. Moments full of love, joy and happiness.

She could hear Benjamin turn on the TV. The voice of Larry Hagman was very loud. She knew he had cranked up the volume on purpose. To annoy her. At least until she would get up and join him. He was very codependent of her. Even though he was never really in tune with her, or shared a great connection he depended on her for everything especially company when he wanted company. The volume grew louder and louder until it drowned out her own thoughts and she was transported back into reality. Where she owned a townhouse shared with Benjamin the lawyer and had a son in military  private school. Where everyday was the same. She could hear Benjamin laughing. Hard. She decided to join him after all. She needed a good laugh. Perhaps a good laugh was what she needed to make all of that bad stuff go away.

CHAPTER NINE

Meredith avoided the outside world for a few days. All she could think about was him. It filled her first thought in the morning, and ended with her last thought at night before going to bed. She was obsessed with him. Feeling his magical touch linger against her naked skin. His loving kisses pressing  softly again the willingness of her lips. Sharing the stars underneath the umbrella of the universe. She was fully aware that these thoughts were not healthy and she thought about seeing a professional but then she came to the realization that she was going through a grieving process. Grieving over the death of love. Sad over feeling something that she may never feel again. All she could think about was him. She needed to stop these feelings. But how? How do you get something so magical and spellbound out of your system? So many times she wanted to pack her bags and go to him. Run away from her life in Seattle so she may start a new life in Thunder Valley, North Carolina. But there was too much risk involved with that. Sure, she could do without the comfort of lifestyle she had grown accustomed to and she could leave her job but could she leave her son? No. She couldn't do it. So matter how hard she wanted to she knew she had to stay. Stay to be the wife of Benjamin and mother to Daniel. She often wondered if he thought of the same thing of running away to be with her. To whisk her away to fantasy land and to take away from it all. But if he hadn't done it already he wasn't going to do it anytime soon.

By Monday Meredith was getting cabin fever and wanted to get out of the house. She had spent too many days in and her thoughts were progressively growing wider and more pervasive and she knew she had to get out before she drew herself mad. Benjamin wanted to buy a new stamp for his collection, a hobby that Meredith that was boring and dry. It was a sleepy day there, and Benjamin grew grumpy when all they had on TV were reruns of the same shows that he had watched a thousand times, so in the day of the steady rain, they decided to get in their car and travel through the fog that had lay close to the ground, painting a very mystical picture, and go into the heart of town where a small mom and pop shop on the corner of Abbeyville Street sold feral stamps and the reduncancy of uncirculated currency.

CHAPTER TEN

They drove east up to Highway 68 which forked into Meadows which eventually would lead them to Abbeyville Street where the small shop was located.  They stopped for gas. “60 cents a gallon that's expensive.” She thought to herself. “Much cheaper in the south.” She went into the convenient store to go grab a pack of gum and a package of cigarettes, along with a bottle of ice cold tea. She then thought about how easy it would to slip into the BMW and roll away from the pumps and never been seen and heard of again. Benjamin had gone to use the convenient store bathroom. And so there the BMW sat with the keys still left in the ignition, the temptation rising. She didn't take the bait, and felt guilty in not doing so, but rather drank her ice cold tea and daydreamed about Joshua Aspen and the night that they had made love in such a dreary storm coming day such as this one.

It hard started to rain. The windshield wipers slapped again the windshield as big drops of rain pelted against their view. Through the hard and heavy rain, the world looked blurry and distorted. There was so much road ahead of them, but so little words. Words seem to not come to her when she was with Benjamin. With Joshua it had been a whole entire different story and words were easy and would come as trouble free as it was for her to paint. Almost as if it were second nature and instinct. Joshua and her could talk for hours one and about anything and everything. And they would talk, well into the night, naked underneath the covers of his bed or even holding hands while walking out into the large fields that she  missed so very much right now.

They drove past some local restaurants, and she watched as loving couples left the restaurant together, sharing the hearth of one umbrella. She wished that her and Benjamin could do this, but so many times, he would leave her stranded in the front, until he would go and pick her up. He always liked to be in control.

Then she saw him. Joshua. At least it looked like him. His sandy blonde hair, now looking more brownish, than blonde, being that it was wet from the rain. And wearing a flannel shirt now matted to his well built frame. And that belt buckle. As large as ever before, holding up his well worn jeans, that were frayed and full of well labored holes. He was carrying a big box, filled what it looked like books Trying desperately to cover them with a jacket so that they wouldn't get wet. He was taking them into a bookstore. Someone was waiting for him out in his pick up truck, but through the rain she couldn't make out the figure well. She could see that Joshua's truck had aged some, and there were more rust spots in the back more then she could remember.

Could it be Joshua? But in Seattle? Miles and miles away from home?

With another sweep of the windshield wipers it cleared her view. It was Joshua! He was in town and hadn't called her? She wished she was wearing something a bit more clever now, and something that exposed more cleavage and more pretty then the khaki pants and oversized flower bohemian shirt that she was wearing. A bandana covered her hair. She wanted to say hi to him to run out to him to embrace him with open arms and cover him with her heartfelt affection. But she couldn't. Benjamin was there, complaining about the weather, like usual, mumbling how the weatherman was never right, and didn't know why out of all places that they had to settle down in Seattle.

They stopped at a red light. Of course the light had to be exactly where the book store was. Benjamin looked around. He also noticed Joshua, although not in the same way that Meredith looked at him.

“Hey, well, look at that!” Benjamin remarked. “That trucks from North Carolina. Got those stupid red lettering and white background license plates on it. Looks like that writer with all the guys at work were talking about, that bull rider from North Carolina. You know those guys at work, like riding those mechanical bulls at those bars, thinking they are goddamn cowboys where they are really just sharks of the law. Heard he made the Seattle's best seller list. Looks like he is going to be a book signing.”

“So he finally did it.” Thought Meredith to herself. And in the window of the book shop was a picture of Joshua with his book with September 2nd 2-4 pm signing Joshua Anthony Aspen.

“I'm not into that kind of stuff.” Said Benjamin. “You know, that bull riding stuff.”

It didn't seem possible that he was there, but he as. She had to almost pinch herself to make sure that it wasn't some sort of fairytale dream.

Joshua wasn't too far from her now. He had returned from inside the shop, where he now stood close to twenty feet away from her. The light had now turned green and there was traffic coming in all directions and Benjamin began to pull away. But as she did, she looked. She should never have looked. For Joshua was looking too. At the same time. And he noticed her. Just as much as she had noticed him. She stared at him, frozen with fear. Paralyzed by his ocean blue eyes, and the soul in which was Joshua's best asset, Meredith couldn't help feel weak. It was true. She was still in love with Joshua. Madly in love. He was her moon, her stars, her universe. As much in love as the day that she had traveled to Thunder Valley Ranch in North Carolina to paint pretty pictures for a wealthy chain of hotels. She stared through the passenger window really hard, and she looked at him with a sadness that made Joshua instantly cry. Tears filled his eyes and he shed sadness down his handsome young face. The rain started to pick up again as Benjamin continued on, and she looked behind her shoulder but could barely make out Joshua anymore. Benjamin was messing around with the radio but then stopped when he found the local radio station with a song that he liked. “Superstar” by the Carpenters was playing. “I can hardly wait to be with you again.” were lyrics that resonated with her deeply, and she could feel a simple tear collect in the inner edge of her sad eyes. Slowly Meredith began to see pictures in her mind again, of when her and Joshua were talking about how Joshua should someday write a book about ranching since he was so good at it and how if he wrote it perhaps he could collect enough money to save the ranch. And how even more then that but he should write about a greenhouse since he built one so perfectly well. And that's what he had done. Wrote a book about greenhouses and plants how to build one, step by step. Jack of all trades, amazing rancher, amazing machine operator, he was even at his best when it came to carpentry and gardening, and meshed the two talents into one. He was such an amazing guy. She began to visualize his well build broad shoulders and how it looked so nice with his shirt off, sweat pouring down his skin as he built the greenhouse in the North Carolina sun. How he had built it for her, since she always wanted one, but there was never room for one where she had lived. Her reliving the past accelerated and her thoughts moved towards Thunder Valley Ranch and the long meadows of violets that appeared like floral carpeting as they took their hikes. And the ranch house, where they slowly made love for hours at a time on a queen sized bed that had noisy springs. She shifted her thoughts and thought about all the whiskey they would drink and how drunk they would get, then go outside into the pitch black and then be rewarded with an electric bedding of glittery stars that danced like little gods and goddesses within a wide open night as plush as velvet. All these thoughts made her drown in a pool of heartbreak, and she instantly felt sorry for herself, turning off the radio with a
click..click.
Benjamin gave Meredith a weird look for turning off the radio so prematurely, but instead of saying anything, he just turned it back on. Luckily, another song was starting to play, “Imagine” by John Lennon, and this made Meredith content.