A Breath Until Forever (22 page)

They rode together through the dirt roads of Thunder Valley until they reached an off the radar post office where she mailed out a few Kodak instant pictures she had snapped of some more of the scenes for approval. She always sent snap pictures of the landscapes she was to paint so that Mr. Cambria could take a good look and make sure it was exactly what he had wanted. She didn't want to s pend hours and hours on a painting for it to only be rejected. She had already painted a couple of paintings, but thought that these paintings were good enough, but didn't want to paint further without his consent. Painting came easy to her, but it wasn't without concentration and many hours hours in which could simply be relocated to spending with her family or working on other things. Simply put. Time was money and now money was everything. Her husband hadn't known it but she had been saving up for quite some time now. Even though she was content in her marriage, she knew it wasn't going to last forever, and there would be that one day in which she would come to her sense and that she would leave him. She knew, financially that she couldn't leave him now. Even though she made a pretty good income as for being a single mom in a big city she was smart enough to know that financially it was going to be hard. Besides she was used to a lifestyle in which was comfortable and she wasn't about ready to give up on that anytime soon. Even if she was in love with someone else. Being comfortable and not happy seemed like a much better fit then being uncomfortable and happy. She knew something was really screwed up with that picture but that's what she felt. She was just being real with herself. So she was saving up for a “rainy day” if that day ever came. So to send this pictures was sort of an insurance policy that she wasn't to start something that she shouldn't and to get his approval on what scene before taking all of her art stuff and going out there and paint the pictures he wanted. She licked the manila envelope wrote the address in neat and tiny marker put a few stamps on it, then mailed it out. She had hoped that he was going to be happy with what she sent him. She wanted to get started on painting right away. Even though she was enjoying her time with Joshua, she also felt like she was falling more and more in love with him each and every day and that the more that she fell in love, she was taking the chance on future heartache. The more she got involved with him, she knew the more, down the road, she was going to fall. And it wasn't going to be a short fall either, rather a fall, in which was going to be dangerous and break her heart.

After they went to the post office, they decided to travel into the hearth of Raleigh. She had never been to this big city, and wanted to go sight see. They went to a little cafe  on 42
nd
street. Over a couple of fancy cappuccinos, they held hands on the small table outside, looking at each other intensely. Meredith smiled lightly, feeling like a young woman in love again and Joshua smiled as well, enjoying the company of an older, but beautiful woman. He liked how the sunlight glistened in her long hair, and how her amber eyes squinted when she laughed, showing off those little life lines around the outer corners. The waitress gave them the bill, but it took them forever to pay, as even after the cappuccinos were empty, they still enjoyed each others company, leaning in closely to one another, whispering into each others ears, and even giggling as they watched an older couple act very much in love as they were and how they wished they could still be so much in love when they reached that older age.

She really enjoyed the fact that Joshua was comfortable being himself. Even though he was a restless soul, and he didn't know where his journey was going to take him, he seemed pretty much at ease with himself and things that came his way was met with effortless. He seemed to accept things that most people wouldn't have and even in the face of adversity he would go into with a grain of assault and with a well heeled attitude. It never ceased to amaze her that no matter what situation was thrown his way he seemed to be able to take care of it, not only fix it, but with a success beyond all man's measure. And even though there was an approaching problem of losing his family's ranch, he understood what it meant even if it seemed rather terminal. Throughout every problem he was faced with he seemed to evolve from it and develop into a much better and smarter man. This made him a different breed of man then what she was used to and she knew that after Joshua she would never again meet another man like him ever again. She saw nothing beyond him and that he was a different branch of humanity that was dying off and was coming into distinction. He was the last of his kind, a true cowboy, a man with honor, integrity and a truthfulness. He was always open and straightforward with her, even if that meant if it injured her at times and to give her a paint that felt upsetting. But she knew whatever what he would always be honest with her even if it hurt. Once they had talked about her age, and she had asked him straight out if it bothered her, that she was much older then him. At first, he didn't answer, only answer her quite blankly but then the guilt of not giving her the truth got the best of him and it started to trickle out that yes, age bothered him especially that he had never dated an older mature woman before. And it wasn't the fact that it really bothered him but he didn’t know how to take it or handle such a thing and that he was very much attracted to her beauty and soul but the numbers the many more birthdays that she had more so than him was something he found very hard at first to accept. The worst thing would have been to have silently kept this hidden however, after talking about it and bringing it out into the open the both of them felt relieved to know that as much as the age bothered him, it bothered her. But both resolved their anxieties to know that they accepted their feelings and grew with each other that with the difference of age came so much more magical things. And the heart knows no number, but the weight of love one can give.

On Saturday morning, they made love on the couch. It was awkward, as the couch was older, like her, and the springs weren’t exactly sex friendly. However, they found adventure to such a place and found and explored new positions they would never have thought of it they hadn't participated on such an uncomfortable piece of furniture. After breathless from the very last of an intense orgasms, both decided it was time to take a long break and then cuddled; with him laying down, and her laying on his chest, moving her fingers in playful circles around his chest hairs and feeling the intricate curls wrap around the length of her small fingertips. Relaxed, and feeling a sense of calmness enclose them, they both softly sighed, and she laid her head against his chest, hearing the sound of his heart, softly beat. If heaven existed on earth, they were occupying it right now, and this made her feel breathless.

They soon got dressed, and Joshua made them breakfast. At the table they were silent, but knew that one of them would have to break it sooner or later. And even though it was something that they both had been avoiding for a long time, they both knew that something had to be said. But who was going to say it first, was going to have to risk everything there was between them.

It was Joshua who broke the silence. “What is going to happen to us?” Joshua asked. He didn’t give her eye contact. Rather he avoided her altogether by sipping his orange juice in a very slow and casual way.

Even though Meredith had been thinking about this to herself for a long time, and she had thought it out long and hard, and though t she had come up with the answer, she didn't know how to answer it at this moment and she put her head down in silence and almost as if she was going to say a prayer. In fact a prayer is what she needed right now. She needed help from a higher power. And a miracle.

“I don't know.” She finally answered. Her voice was soft and depressed.

“We are going to have to do something.” He said. This time he looked at her. And feeling the weight of his eyes on her, she lifted up her head and met his and she instantly felt an intense feeling of remorse and regret, and guilt for ever even allowing herself to fall in love with such a younger man.

Joshua felt torn. He knew he should put himself into the family ranch full time and try to save it, yet all he wanted to do was make love to Meredith again. And again and again. He wanted to make love with her as many times as there are seconds in the day, and days in his life.

“I'll sell the ranch.” Joshua said. “Sell it for what I can. Get out of it before I get in too deep and the bank takes it. Then we can go away. Start a life.”

“Go where?” asked Meredith.

“Anywhere.” Said Joshua. He reached over and grabbed a hold of Meredith's hands. “As long as I am with you, I am happy.”

Meredith pulled away. “I can't go away with you Joshua. You know that.”

“Why?” He asked. Fear filled his eyes. Tears came shortly afterward. “Why can't you.”

He got up from the table. “I, I just don't understand. You and I,” He stammered, then stopped mid sentence. He continued in a painful voice. “Ill talk with your husband. I'll explain to him how we fell in love and tell him about the passion that we felt. It won't be easy , and he may punch me, even ill me, but I will tell him. I won't let you tell him. I love you too much to put you in that place. Maybe he would understand more if,”

“Joshua, enough!” Interrupted Meredith roughly. “I don't understand what happened between us. The magic, the excitement, what you did to me to make me feel alive again. All those wonderful days and nights of pleasure, and making me believe in myself again. But you can not, and I repeat CAN NOT tell my husband! You don’t go anywhere near him, do you hear me? That is a separate life. A life I left behind for a little while so I could find respite, a new life for a little bit, even if short lived, so I may live and learn and go back to a different woman. In hopes that maybe my marriage will work, if I try just a little bit harder, and not think as much.”

This angered Joshua. He angrily lashed out, he swiped the breakfast dishes off the table. They went crashing against the kitchen floor.

Meredith jumped at the loud sound. Joshua had always been a kind and caring man to her, so it startled to see the dark side of him, and it scared her beyond belief.

“What about me Meredith? Was this just a fling?” He asked angrily, feeling his heart break in two. He then added. “A fuck?”

Silence flooded the room.

There was too much hurt, too much anger to say anything.

The moment eased into tears from both. Joshua crumpled down on the floor, his back against dirty cupboards. “I loved you.” He sobbed.

Meredith ran over to him.

“I love you still.” She comforted.

He looked at her. His stare pierced through her eyes as straight as an arrow. “Then why did you do this to me?”

“We did this together.” She said.

“We need to let this all go.” She said. She felt like the bad guy. But it had to be done. Sometimes you need to just rip off the band aid.

“I know we never thought this was going to happen. Us. Love. So deep. But it is a fantasy we created. And now the dream is gone. We need to wake up and get back to our lives, our real lives.”

“
But we owned this dream.” He said sadly. His heart was breaking. “And I thought we would never wake up.”

“I think we both always knew this day was going to come Joshua. We didn't want to admit to it, but we both knew it wasn't going to last forever.” She said.

“Then why does it hurt so much?” Her love was so deep for Joshua that it could fill an ocean.

“Love hurts.” Love hurts because it is love. Meredith's hurt feelings finally go the best of her. “It hurts me a lot too. Don't you think it hurts me? Do you think I'm that cold that it's easy to just let you go? The best thing that has ever happened to me? I feel like a piece of my soul is dying.”

“My heart hurts.” Joshua sobbed.

“Mine too.”

“We both strayed off from what we knew so that we could explore that something good. Something that people look for all their lives and hardly ever find. We both created something that doesn't really exist for anybody and we both knew that it wouldn't come without a price. We fell in love, dammit! We are in love! We are madly, deeply passionately in love. Meredith. You and I both know it.” He then faced her. “Look at me. Tell me that you are not in love.”

Meredith only answered with tears. Tears now streamed down her face like a heavy rain, and her face became soaked with heartbreaking weeps.

“Let's escape! Come with me to exotic place. Place you have never st your eyes on before. Out of the country if we have to Meredith. We will make love in Parisian parks and drink Piniot Noirs from cups in Italy. We will go visit the pyramids in Egypt and find the mystery behind all of it go to London and find the royal family. We will go to China to and visit the great wall that divides nations of differences or to a special island where nobody else lives and make our own habitat our paradise and eat the local fish and make love in the white sands like we are cast away. I'll do whatever it takes and go wherever you want to go, to keep you from straying from me, from  making the mistake of going back to your husband, who doesn't give you a one percent of the attention that I do, who doesn't know about the small mole on the back of your thigh, or that you like to eat blueberries when they are in season, that your favorite song is ? And that you like to dance in the shower. I will even keep my ranch, If it's worth keeping, and work on it until the day that I day, just to make you happy so that you never have to work another day in life again and that you don’t have to paint pictures for wealthy men and be told what to paint rather you can paint whatever you wan, whenever you want to and have a freedom with the paintbrush to equal the freedom that you feel in your heart for me. Oh Meredith, please listen to me!”