A Breath Until Forever (29 page)

Joshua was not like any man I had ever known before. He was a man full of integrity and rough charm He seemed to come into my life like an unexpected blessing. A miracle of sorts. He was an angel on earth. A man more complex then either you or I could ever possibly know or imagine. I was drawn to his charm, his intelligence, the brawn of working hard on the ranch, his loyalty, and the gentlemen of being who he was. He was full of surprises, and never ceased to amaze me with all of his wonderful astonishment.  And all this, while being under the age of 30.

Sure, he was a lot younger then  me, but the range of his maturity went beyond men of my own age and do I even dare to say, beyond men of senior years. He had a whole life time to teach, even though he had only lived a short life. He was a quick learner, and whatever he could get from this life, he extracted it so well, and through that extraction was able to take the essence the most important part of life lessons, and simply use it to his own benefit. He was wise,  more than his own tender age, and even though he was much younger then me, he taught me so much that I needed to know about life. How it worked, how it employed mindful mechanisms and how it played like an old record, if you weren't careful to stop the music beforehand. He always started a fire in me, than spread it wild and free, and I always felt that he was more then just someone to love, but a teacher in an immeasurable way, and that even though I should have been the giver of things learned, that I soon become the pupil, the student in his classroom of life, and he opened up new possibilities and horizons to me gigantically wide. He showed me things that I was too blind to see, or didn't want to see, and everything opened up in a new light, and I saw everything through a children's eyes and through impeccable vision. He may have been young, but he was very clever, and was peppered with the service of a spiritual being. His heart was open, and he gave it to me unselfishly, which showed me that he was fair and right, and generous and that I was deserving of such a loving creation.

It was funny how we met. I was traveling through ? And I had stopped at his ranch to ask for a hand in where I should go, but I was klutzy and ran into his mailbox instead. Needless to say , I hadn't made the best of first impression on him, I thought at the moment I was going to be kicked off and be scolded told to never turn to the exclusive ranch, but rather he was kind and generous and not only did he offer me assistance with where I should go but went beyond what most men would have done, and embraced my a drink and a social chatter along with a good hard shot of whiskey. Daniel, you were in military school and Benjamin you were taking on that big case that all the newspapers were talking about. It was a time for you boys to take charge of the world, while your lonely desperate mother, searching not only for beautiful scenery, but my lost could, was searching for respite – for sanctuary.

Never did I think in a million years by crashing into his ranch (quite literally!) that I would have fallen hopelessly, and head over heels, in love. I never even embraced that fact until . The furthest thing from my mind was to ever fall in love, for I had already given up on it a long time ago. Love, to me, at that point of time, was something saved for the movies. An entity of fabrication, a creation of the human mind to create something so magical, that everyone seduced by it's false truth would instantly be whisked away to something so enchanting that they could escape from their daily afflicted lives. To me, love is a trick. An illusion of sorts. It was something I knew I was never going to have, and I had accepted that a long time ago. I though I knew what love was a long time ago when I met you Benjamin but both you and I know that once love was put into action, it didn't stay in the same state as it was when we both entered marriage, and somehow and someway love turned into something else, much uglier, much more multiplied, and sometimes even full of rage and hate. If love is unconditional and love is supposed to make us feel good and like earth angels than was that love? No. It couldn’t have been love because love doesn't change, it stays the same, if not change form into something much bigger and larger than the universe can grasp and stand. So I let go of love. Allowing it to dissipate. The idea of it. The moving it in the back of my mind, closing up my heart, giving it nowhere to go, and steadily moved forward. Slowly, I lost love. I had misplaced it. Tit as still there, somewhere but just like a set of old keys, some abandoned socks, or even the wedding ring that I intricately owed, I set it somewhere almost intentionally losing it in such a secret place that I knew I would never find it again. Never did I think that I would find it again. And not only find it, but for it to be something much more different, singular and distinctive until I almost didn't recognize it when it was given back to me right in front of my face. It was Joshua who helped me see it once more. Again, using that special magical charm he has, that allowed me to open up and receive such a gift, and not viewing it as something harmful or bad, but something quite wonderful and new.

Meeting Joshua was like being in a dream. A dream I never wanted to wake up from. Just for the record, he pursued me at first, but then I become the pursuer. Yes I was the vixen as one would say. The cougar who roared and entangled him with my seduction. Like the wild animals in Africa, in Zanibar like when I had met a chocolate skinned man who churned me like butter. I thought I would never again feel the tremble or earthquake of such a touch, but when Joshua touched me, he not only touched my skin, but my soul. When I was with him, I felt young again, like I was in Africa with that energy of a thousand tribesman, I had felt so drained before, like nothing was left inside of me. Zapped, and no surges of electricity seemed to be running through. But when I met Joshua, energy seemed to run through my veins like the beating drums of a wild musical ride, and I felt this sudden burst of energy! This strong desire to not just live life, but LIVE life!

I would have gone with him, made a new life if it wasn't for you, Benjamin. And you, Daniel. I would have have gone with him and if he wanted to move to the southern most desolate place on earth. I would have gone, as long I was with him. Joshua wanted me to go with him, imploring me to go,begging me to go, however I wouldn't go with him because of the both of you, and because he is too receptive and attentive and respectful to ever interfere in the life that I chose, which wasn't a life with him, he had the deepest of respect for that, and stopped asking me, out of courtesy, knowing that that wasn't the life that I chose.

If it wasn't for Joshua Aspen, I probably would have gone off the deep end, quit my painting altogether, and spiral into the darkness of depression more than I already was. Joshua saved me. He was the savior that I needed in order to find myself again, to find out who I was, and what I was missing in my life. I needed him to appear in my life so that I may live another day. Who knows what would have happened later on in the future if I had never met him. I may even be dead right now. I know it's very harsh for me to say that, but my heart was breaking, weakening, and I could feel it dissolving into something black and dark.

But even after I left, he was always still on my mind, thinking about him, even when I was distracted doing something else, he still lived with me, as if he was a part of me. It was his presence of him that made me whole again, knowing that even though he was far away, he was still with me, loving me, in my heart. However, that being said, I never stopped loving the both of you, ever, even if the love wasn't the same kind of love, it was still love, and it was strong and pulsating.

Did I make the right decision? Only time will tell. But if you have reached this letter after my death, then yes – yes, I chose well. 

You may think my burial request was odd, being that I have lived in Seattle all of my life, however, after reading this letter, and referring to the pictures of Joshua and I, I hope you can understand why such a request is not only requested, but important.

Joshua Aspen and I, even though we had a difference of age, and there was 14 years in between us, I loved him wholeheartedly throughout all the years of my life all up to my dying years. We have kept in touch sporadically, exchanging a letter or too, but after my last letter failed to reach him, I took it as a sign, and didn't try to contact him again. He didn't contact me either, maybe fear that I would get caught if his wife got the mail, so you can imagine the same fear I also had, so I stopped writing. Which was the hardest decision I ever made in my life, harder then ever even leaving him back in 1971.

I hope the both of you understand my request now, and don't think bad of me. I am only human you know, with a heart and soul, which were weakened when I came across Joshua Aspen in Thunder Valley. Joshua Aspen educated me on how it was like to not only be a woman, but to wholeheartedly be a woman who was worthy of love.

Joshua was a kind young man, who was warm and loving, caring, and because of these good qualities, he certainly deserves your genuine regard. And Benjamin, I hope that you can at least give him that, if not for me, then for Daniel. Because of Joshua, he made me a better mother, and a mother who could be there completely for him through the good times and the bad. It may be strange, but in a way, Joshua was good to you, because he had been good to me too.

Be healthy and live a good life,

Meredith

A large silence filled the room. Benjamin exhaled deeply, having a hard time catching his breath at the heaviness of the letter, and Daniel stood out blankly, shocked what the letter had brought into their present lives.

“
I never knew your mother was so capable of love.” Was Benjamin's reply.

“They wanted each other for so many years, but they couldn't have each other, because of me.” Said Joshua, his head lowered in unresolved shame.

“Don't feel guilty about it.” Comforted Benjamin. “She loved you. She loved you good. She loved you so much that she pushed her own heart's desires away, so that she may come back and take care of you. That is what mother's do.”

“But she loved him dad!” Daniel was almost angry. “She pushed away a future of happiness because of me, for us.”

“I can hardly deal with this as it is. Our marriage was such a convenience, like a chore, and I am an integral reason as to why Meredith had this love affair across the miles.”

“He stayed away, so that he wouldn't interfere. I wonder how many other guys would have done that?”

“Not many.”

Daniel picked up a picture. “Mom looked so beautiful here, radiant. Every pore of her body is glowing. I never saw her like that, not once, even at her most happiest times when she won Artist of the Year.  There's a smile on her face that was never repeated again in that same way.”

Benjamin wiped away his eyes. Tears were coming down in rainstorms. “He never contacted her back. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if he had, and their correspondence deepened. I wonder if she would have eventually left us.” This made Benjamin think long and hard, wondering what the consequences would have been like if the correspondence between his mother and Joshua had continued. Would they have rekindled the romance? Would Meredith have left her husband and son to be with a man she loved for only weeks? And Joshua Aspen? Would he had left his wife and new baby to have been with her? The much older woman that he loved so desperately that he would have taken his own life just so that he could see her be happy?

“No.” was his reply. “She wasn't like that. She was loyal, faithful. Even with all of my affairs, my rendezvous, my bad behavior,  she always stayed. Not once did she fight about it. She just looked the other way. Refuse to speak to me for a few days, but then she would  She would just say to me “Not again Benjamin, do not stray. I would forgive you but I would not forget.” She would forgive me, wholeheartedly, but I think she lived up to her word and never forget, for the more affairs she found out about, her heart broke just a little more, and I can't help to think that is what ran her into the open loving arms of Joshua Aspen. It was her loneliness, and her falling out of love for me for years, and her wanting a man who could love her back unlike I could, that made her ?

“What are we going to do without her Dad?” Tears welled in Benjamin's eyes.

“I don't know son. Keep loving her suppose. Even after her death. Keep thinking about those good memories of her, those memories of when she gave us all of her. And thank this Joshua Aspen, who picked up the pieces and put her whole again so she may give all of herself to her so that we may be happy and live a good life. It's because of Joshua, that you got your mom back, that I got my wife back.”

“Dad, can I ask you a question?”

“Sure.”

“Did you see woman after mom came back from North Carolina?”

“Actually, no.” Benjamin answered honestly. “I missed her so much when she was gone that last time to the Carolina's. Also knowing that there was the possibility that she had an affair, of being with another man the way she had been with me, made me change my ways. I got rid of all the numbers, stopped going out of town for work, kept it here locally, in the city, and I never was with another woman ever again. In a way, Joshua Aspen made me a better man too, made me clean up my act. Made me realize that I had all that I needed right here, in your mother, Meredith, the woman I fell in love with in Berkeley. Your mother was much more of a woman than all those other woman ever were to me. It took a man to love your mom, to make me realize that.”