12 Good Reasons to Look Up Uranus (15 page)

Lucky ointment:
Arnica

Lucky bandage:
Crepe

C
ANCER

An unusual start to the week is indicated by a square Jupiter entering your birthsign. This probably means that the lucrative work you have been receiving as a body stand-in
for some specialist films may be coming to an end as despite the elaborate make-up, people are starting to suspect.

Lucky sheet:
Balance

Lucky excuse:
Damp kindling

L
EO

As the Sun, your ruler, moves into the influence of dynamic Mercury you will be filled with the kind of inspiration you’ve not experienced for years. Time to start
planning a holiday. On Thursday a woman of substance will tread on your corns while dancing the Lindy-Hop.

Lucky oxide:
Copper

Lucky line:
Waterloo

V
IRGO

Tuesday or Wednesday could see you invited to an entertaining social event by a close friend at which you shine. Take extra care to ensure that the dishwasher marks are
completely removed from the champagne flutes before serving, and don’t eat too much pastry while circulating with the petit-fours as you know what it does to you.

Lucky pâté:
Coarse Brussels

Lucky particle:
Neutrino

L
IBRA

There has been a gathering of planets in your sign in recent weeks bringing with them a series of peculiar events. These have mostly involved marmite soldiers being pushed
through your letterbox, anonymous peanut butter sandwiches sent to you by recorded mail, and phone messages suggesting you eat more fibre. On Thursday all will be revealed when the culprits turn
out to be nothing more than a particularly zealous group of Hovis Witnesses.

Lucky bat:
Cricket

Lucky Ball:
Michael

S
CORPIO

Although it’s something you’ve probably not noticed over the years, you remain nearly as popular with the ladies as Michael Fish. Mars entering your fourth house on
Wednesday can only help to enhance this reputation. However, a misunderstanding during an interview in which a new position at the tennis-club is being discussed, does result in one
over-enthusiastic lady applicant being used to transport grass cuttings to the compost heap.

Lucky smell:
Marzipan

Lucky knot:
Gordian

S
AGITTARIUS

Stubborn Pluto entering your sign on Thursday means that your plan for an all-action accounting holiday in Montana may involve rather more action than you first anticipated. On
speaking to a representative from the company on Tuesday, you discover that there are significant differences between rounding up cattle, and rounding up numbers on a spreadsheet.

Lucky flower:
Dahlia

Lucky rub:
Fiery Jack

C
APRICORN

Too much rich food, combined with a particularly fearsome sprout vindaloo on Saturday night left its mark on your digestive system. This manifested itself early on Sunday
morning in the most spectacular way yet. Fortunately for you, most of the structural damage was attributed to a small fire at a local chip shop. Saturn enters your birthsign on Wednesday and leaves
a nasty mark on the kitchen lino.

Lucky penguin:
Chinstrap

Lucky soup:
Cream of Magnesia

A
QUARIUS

Over the next few days you may find, mainly with your shins, that your furniture will be rearranged. This will be done in accordance with the principles of ‘feng
shui’, an ancient Chinese philosophy whose name means, literally, ‘cough-up round-eye’. This teaches us that where we locate our household items affects our happiness by
controlling the flow of ‘chi’, which is a life force that is always around us, everywhere, all the time, like Ant & Dec.

Lucky instrument:
Blunt

Lucky Cartwright:
Hoss

P
ISCES

Money is a little tight this week, and with the Full Moon in challenging Saturn at the end of the week, even though you’ve set your heart on it, it looks like
you’ll have to wait another month for the new awning for the caravanette. Console yourself with the good news that bottled gas is actually cheaper than it was this time last year.

Lucky link:
Missing

Lucky Circus:
Oxford

A
RIES

The effect of Chiron transiting your fourth house means that on Wednesday you will have a very strange dream in which you find yourself being lowered into a cauldron filled
with goldfish by Jeremy Clarkson. This clearly indicates that you should consider giving up anchovy and radish sandwiches for supper. Community folk dancing may prove crucial at the end of the
week.

Lucky tart:
Pear and almond

Lucky almond:
Marc

T
AURUS

Communication may come on an unspoken level, given today’s conjunction between Venus and the Moon. People will be saying a great deal with their eyes, and a great deal
more with their letters to the authorities and the occasional wrapped brick. You can safely ignore the taunts, as you know full well that it’s only water-retention.

Lucky Womble:
Tobermory

Lucky alias:
Edith Evans

G
EMINI

Gemini is, as everyone knows, a sign of duality. This can mean that you have two ways of looking at everything, or that nice things just happen to come along in pairs. On
Thursday, Pluto, planet of surprises enters your birthsign which means that the new girl in the staff canteen may present you with a pair of large cappuccinos instead of the espressos you are used
to. Accept them with good grace.

Lucky language:
Algonquin

Lucky priest:
Judas

C
ANCER

Now that Mercury is once more direct, the pace of life quickens. With your zest for life, you are in your element, which curiously enough is Iodine. Later this week, you are
likely to once more indulge your passion for bath games, but are likely to find that combining a hot bath with a thousand-piece jigsaw puzzle proves impractical, and leads to a reverse print of
Willy Lott’s Cottage on your legs and a blocked plughole.

Lucky pasture:
Verdant

Lucky club:
Knobkerrie

L
EO

The Sun, your ruler, enters erratic Neptune this week bringing with it the possibility of an exciting new venture, or possibly an exciting old venture with a new twist. Your
mood toward the end of the week may be surprisingly buoyant as Venus is in fabulous aspect with benevolent Jupiter. However, it may just be down to the new slippers you got in the sales.

Lucky fish:
Rock-Eel

Lucky plaster:
Breathable

V
IRGO

Unpredictable Aquarius is about to conjoin with Neptune so you may feel more than a little paranoid this week. The best advice is to always check your sock drawer for venomous
snakes before bed rather than in the morning when you are less alert. On Thursday a career change is indicated by Saturn rising. This means that you can expect to be fired by the weekend at the
very latest.

Lucky affliction:
Postman’s knock

Lucky fleece:
Golden

L
IBRA

Pay attention to the details as you establish a new routine for August and life is likely to go more smoothly than of late. The only reason that you got away with no trousers
on Friday was that it was dress-down day. Mercury in opposition to Saturn means that Wednesday is a great day for doing things with other people, so there’s just time to dust off the
equipment and book the ticket to Ipswich.

Lucky crisps:
Spit ‘n’ Sawdust

Lucky tiles:
Polystyrene

S
CORPIO

Cheese-on-toast was a mistake for breakfast this morning, and will come back to haunt you later in the day. Mars and Saturn conjoin in your fourth house on Wednesday and, as
usual, leave bits all over the hall carpet. A cross-looking woman misusing a trampoline is indicated by a trine Neptune toward the end of the week so try extra hard to stay out of trouble.

Lucky cake:
Battenberg

Lucky cat:
Mackerel Tabby

S
AGITTARIUS

It is becoming increasingly clear that the relentless pressure of work is starting to take its toll on your normally ebullient nature. You should give serious consideration to
having some time off – however much it goes against your nature. On Friday, Mars rising may mean that your favourite cash-point is struck by a meteorite.

Lucky element:
Iodine

Lucky affliction:
Swamp ague

C
APRICORN

A difficult start to the week for anyone with the Sun strong in their chart. It’s a particularly arduous afternoon on Wednesday when your work on the latest sales figures
from Belarus is disrupted by unruly drunks. Try to pass it off with your usual aplomb (it’s the one with the brass handle).

Lucky mash:
Celeriac

Lucky grip:
Masonic

A
QUARIUS

An interesting aspect between Saturn and Pluto this week could mean that you are contemplating starting a campaign to return Blakeys to their rightful place under the heel of
the working man. On Wednesday, a Native American man may offer you a suspiciously low-priced Hillman Avenger. Despite your well-known enthusiasm for the model don’t be tempted.

Lucky elbow:
Tennis

Lucky view:
Jaundiced

P
ISCES

Neptune rising on Thursday means that you may at long last expect some sort of reward for the long years of service dedicated to the welfare of your fellow human. Even though
you are best known as ‘that one who smells of nutmeg’, you will receive a Postal Order for £5, a photocopied certificate, and a commemorative mug declaring that you have been
officially recognised as a ‘boon to the elderly’. Try not to let it go to your head.

Lucky cheese:
Port Salut

Lucky fencing:
Picket

A
RIES

An interesting week, made all the more exciting by a wonderful trine between Mercury and Uranus – planet of surprises. On Monday you are approached by a man posing as an
Arab Sheikh and attempting to lure you into an elaborate scam to sell cut-price inflatable war-memorials to the Canadian Government. On Friday, toasted teacakes make a welcome return to the staff
canteen.

Lucky tip:
15%

Lucky mask:
Seaweed

T
AURUS

Mercury, planet of communication, moves retrograde on Monday so this is not a week to rush into things. That isn’t so easy for Gemini, for no sooner have you got an idea
than you are dashing to put it into action. Bide your time, particularly when it comes to both box kites and new relationships. Keep personal items to yourself until you feel the time is right
– perhaps over lunch – to lay them on the table.

Lucky fittings:
Gold-plated

Lucky spanner:
Adjustable

G
EMINI

This week may start with events that seem discouraging, but in fact time is on your side. Whatever setbacks you experience in the short term, benign Jupiter is all set to make
sure that any charges that are pressed are dismissed before the case ever comes to court. On Thursday you are surprised to be elected ‘Pearly King’ of the Balls Pond Road but following
your enthronement, will be carried off by Magpies.

Lucky grape:
Zinfandel

Lucky aroma:
Marzipan

C
ANCER