12 Good Reasons to Look Up Uranus (22 page)

Lucky spring:
Transverse-leaf

G
EMINI

In recent months you have been tied down much more than you normally like. This is about to change, when Mars goes direct midweek and you discover the secret diary of Harry
Houdini concealed inside a life-sized papier-mâché model of Sir Alec Douglas Home. On Friday you will meet a man who will try to sell you a shop-soiled BMX Wheelbarrow. If you are
canny, you might get a bargain.

Lucky adhesive:
Superglue

Lucky confection:
Marshmallows

C
ANCER

On Tuesday, Pluto forms an unusual square with your ruler, the Moon, in the area of your chart concerned with health and wellbeing. You have recently lost so much weight that
on Friday, your friends, concerned for your health, will club together to pay for you to have your jaws wired open. It’s probably not the best weekend to go swimming or have a passport photo
taken.

Lucky additive:
Monosodium Glutamate

Lucky file:
Ring binder

L
EO

Misunderstandings are sufficiently likely this week to suggest that you tread very carefully, as on Thursday afternoon you may well find yourself facing a term in a foreign
prison for trying to sell relabelled tinned spaghetti into Saudi-Arabia as Arabic alphabetti-spaghetti. The plan is a sound one except that the first sample you hand out says something rude about
King Abdullah’s pet rabbit.

Lucky diet:
Bread and water

Lucky chains:
Manacles

V
IRGO

Always a worrier, you may be too hard on yourself. Not everything is your fault. On Tuesday, a birthday present to a little girl will cause considerable offence. You were asked
for something to go with a Nurse’s uniform – a ‘Barbie Hospice’ was probably not what the parent had in mind, though not as bad as the ‘My Little Pony
Glue-Factory’ you bought at Christmas.

Lucky escape:
Bathroom window

Lucky excuse:
Whiplash

L
IBRA

Although Mercury and Venus are travelling together in your sign, providing a congenial backdrop to your life, each planet has a difficult aspect to Neptune early in the week.
This means that your application to become a major saliva donor for the local hospital trust is turned down and the ‘free samples’ you provided are sent to the Crown Prosecution Service
as evidence.

Lucky motorway:
M26

Lucky services:
Knutsford

S
CORPIO

Mysterious Neptune enters your birthsign on Thursday, bringing with it, renewed concern about the damp-patch on the wall of the dining room. When you get someone in to look at
it, investigations show that it is down to a mains leak under the floor. It has obviously been a problem for some time, as there is now a thriving coral reef.

Lucky bell:
Diving

Lucky accessory:
Aqualung

S
AGITTARIUS

Recent events have left you even more philosophical and reflective than usual. Your altruistic nature and willingness to help others have always been both a blessing and a
curse. On Tuesday, you will be assaulted in the street by a group of partially sighted football supporters who, after shaking your hand in greeting, read the fine collection of warts on the back of
your right hand as something rude about their team in Braille.

Lucky expression:
Resignation

Lucky pants:
Lurex thong

C
APRICORN

Money is going to be at the forefront of your mind throughout November. Your recent attempt to become a hip-hop MC was something of a disaster when you made the observation
‘How hard can mucking about with record players actually be?’ On Friday, your prowess with the Bassoon is called into question in the Co-Op. Try to remain calm.

Lucky shape:
Lozenge

Lucky lozenge:
Throaties

A
QUARIUS

Your creative powers are at an all-time high. However, bombarding your local railway franchise’s Marketing Department (‘Ideas Above Our Station’) with
suggestions for railway themed meals from the buffet mostly fall on stony ground, with the exception of ‘Beef Encounter’, which wins you a free return ticket to Stratford.

Lucky Tray:
Milk

Lucky Knife:
Mack, the

P
ISCES

Piscean’s care a lot about others, but can get into terrible muddles themselves as your large collection of badly made ‘Guys’ acquired for a penny each proves
beyond reasonable doubt. On Friday, a nine-hour siege ensues when a neighbour spots a stack of what he takes to be dead bodies on your compost heap. It is not until you discover that the people
outside your house are the police, rather than Avon representatives, that you give yourself up.

Lucky lotion:
Baby

Lucky baby:
Jelly

A
RIES

Mars, your ruler, is now in your own sign for the first time for a couple of years, and your life is really going to take off, provided that you can do something about the
pronounced lisp you seem to have developed since the accident with the cocktail sausages. On a more positive note, your hot duck soufflé at the boot sale refreshments stall is nothing but a
triumph.

Lucky plate:
Pewter

Lucky brassiere:
Black lace

T
AURUS

For you, the accent is on work, career and business. In the early days of this week, you will be introduced to a visiting trade delegation from Holland. Although you will do
your best to please, constant referrals to Holland as the Neanderthals will start to grate on them by the end of the week. The correct way of referring to their country is ‘The Nether
Regions’.

Lucky cheese:
Gouda

Lucky infestation:
Mice in clogs

G
EMINI

An international incident is narrowly averted on Tuesday when Mars conjoins with Saturn in the area of your chart concerned with communication. A once in a lifetime opportunity
to join the Swedish mixed softball team for an after-match sauna goes horribly wrong. As it is your first sauna, you completely misunderstand the request to ‘Pass water for the stones’
and leave under something of a cloud.

Lucky footwear:
Flip-flops

Lucky towel:
Ivor the Engine

C
ANCER

Your ruler, the Moon, goes retrograde on Tuesday which indicates that the end of the week could have some surprises in store. On Thursday and Friday, there will be a romantic
interlude with the band of the Welsh Guards at your local betting shop, which may not be anything permanent, so you should watch out that they don’t become more possessive than you can
comfortably handle.

Lucky tune:
Cwm Rhondda

Lucky round:
275 pints of Brains bitter and a pickled egg

L
EO

Mercury rising means that there is a good chance that a new career path will open up toward the end of the week when you are dismissed from your existing position for
experimenting with Alchemy in the executive washroom at lunchtime. Now is the time to prepare yourself, and on Thursday and Friday you will really have an opportunity to shine. Next week, you will
be allowed to apply the polish and cover up scuffmarks on the heels and toes.

Lucky accessory:
Suede brush

Lucky laces:
Waxed cotton

V
IRGO

You love to be useful, and this month you realise that you truly are. Fortunately, people with Virgo prominent in their charts often have unusually prehensile extremities,
which can be pressed into service in tricky situations, or to distract a fractious child. On Tuesday, a close family pet will be carried off by a golden eagle.

Lucky precaution:
Fine netting

Lucky racquet:
Tennis

L
IBRA

People with Libra strong in their charts are good communicators and can explain things very clearly, especially on Thursday when Mercury enters your birthsign and you are
required to explain the presence of a receipt for dinner for two from a smart restaurant in Paris, when you were supposed to be on a team-building course in Ulan Bator.

Lucky explanation:
Plausible

Lucky racket:
Deafening

S
CORPIO

Life has dealt you a different timetable this week. Go with it, and you’ll find that unexpected good things await you. If you resist, you deny those things to yourself
and run the risk of being expertly isolated from your protection squad, kidnapped and held to ransom by the goats again. The good news is that they are just as happy with newspaper as they are
bundles of used currency.

Lucky pencil:
HB

Lucky rubber:
Latex

S
AGITTARIUS

Love could be in the air. In fact, if you begin a love affair at this time, it could feel as though this is the one you have been waiting for all your life. Sometimes such a
feeling is no more than idealised infatuation, but this time, with Saturn trine both Neptune and Venus, it could be something really lasting, that doesn’t involve specialist equipment, a
trapeze or planning permission.

Lucky confection:
Ruffle-Bar

Lucky infection:
Pyorrhoea

C
APRICORN

With Mercury retrograde, you will feel a need to reconsider some decisions that you made earlier in the month. Mars in Aries is putting a new boost of energy in your life right
no, and you can achieve a great deal – if you can take a week or two off from cage-fighting classes and devote your energies to your real vocation: breeding and training stunt hamsters.

Lucky glands:
Lymph

Lucky pores:
Closed

A
QUARIUS

Your ruler Uranus is preparing for an argument with the quarrelsome Mars, and it seems inevitable that sparks will fly. Nevertheless, you are going to need to take part in some
teamwork and, despite your best efforts, will get into at least one fight and a minor scuffle over a disagreement about WC Fields and whether he was magnetic or arable.

Lucky town:
Philadelphia

Lucky mushroom:
Chanterelle

P
ISCES

On Saturday, Jupiter goes direct after its long retrograde period and this will get things moving firmly to your advantage by the beginning of the week. On Tuesday, when
cleaning out your garage, you discover the Golden Apples of the Hesperides in an old shoe box and get into a heated argument with Mr. Heracles from the greengrocer about whether they are Granny
Myths or Golden Fictitious.

Lucky titan:
Prometheus

Lucky advisor:
Athena

A
RIES

Mercury, planet of communications goes retrograde on Tuesday which means that your forthcoming trip abroad may be more troublesome than expected. However, there is some good
news: the book you bought about local customs turns out not to be, as you thought, a guide to the habits of the natives of the country, but a useful manual on how to negotiate passport control and
immigration.

Lucky queue:
EU Passports

Lucky manner:
Obsequious

T
AURUS

Mercury is currently travelling backwards through your sign at the moment, which indicates there will be some serious misunderstandings this week. On Thursday, you will have to
go home to get changed after a misprint on the invitation to the ‘Crosse & Blackwell Salad Dressing Competition’ in which the words ‘& Blackwell Salad’ were
omitted.