12 Good Reasons to Look Up Uranus (16 page)

Mars moves into your birthsign on Tuesday meaning that this week you’ll have energy and imagination and should be able to put both to excellent use when thinking up new
places to hide from the woman from number 14, who has the capacity to drain the life force from you faster than daytime television.

Lucky soft drink:
Cresta

Lucky disguise:
Rev. Canaan Banana

L
EO

Jupiter transits mysterious Neptune this week bringing with it a slightly introspective mood. You may find yourself wondering whether you’ll ever be anything more than a
man well known in the Hillingdon area for his first-class imitation of an angry swan. A man of the cloth may prove troublesome over lunch on Monday.

Lucky surface:
Enamel

Lucky pie:
Rabbit

V
IRGO

Everything goes well this week until Monday morning when at noon you come under the influence of Mercury, which – as usual, means you’ll get into another protracted
argument about gravity. On Friday you may feel a sudden urge to stop and pick wild flowers by the side of the road but as it’s the M4, this proves easy to resist.

Lucky Flann:
O’Brien

Lucky tart:
Custard

L
IBRA

With Mercury in troublesome Pluto, this week is not a good time to travel. Even though you took the precaution of getting the Morris Marina serviced, you can still expect a
torrid time before you finally get to Gillingham. On Thursday you may feel a little under the weather after seeing someone wearing a black suit with brown shoes.

Lucky Marten:
Pine

Lucky Pine:
Courtney

S
CORPIO

Wednesday’s aspect between Venus and Neptune will probably mean that you will have a misunderstanding involving tile adhesive at the Department for Work and Pensions. A
man with a limp handshake and brogues may attempt to interest you in a set of shop-soiled kitchen scales.

Lucky colour:
Magenta

Lucky alarm:
Smoke

S
AGITTARIUS

Your natural modesty sometimes does you no favours. Though you have been out of the office for the last few weeks, only your closest friends are aware of your triumph in
Australia. Even the return of the coveted Patterson Challenge Shield to the company trophy cabinet fails to attract comment. Console yourself with the thought that only a select elite is ever
called on to compete in the demanding Jacobs Creek 50 litre freestyle.

Lucky fairy:
Puck

Lucky composer:
Orff

C
APRICORN

On Monday, Mercury rushes through the area of your chart concerned with empowerment and authority. Normally you are not very far up the chain of command when it comes to making
decisions and often catch yourself sneaking a ginger biscuit out of the packet and eating it furtively in your shed. This week all that is about to change. You run out of ginger biscuits and have
to make do with a fig roll.

Lucky costume:
Doublet & Hose

Lucky stroke:
Forward Defensive

A
QUARIUS

On Tuesday a rare and wonderful trine between Saturn and Neptune is perfectly placed to enable you to make the most out of your newly discovered ability to make a noise like a
wounded muskox. The coming weeks should see the demand for your voice-overs leap like a startled Brownie. Toward the end of the week an accident with a sausage sandwich and a new shirt is
indicated.

Lucky occasion:
Auspicious

Lucky atmosphere:
Strained

P
ISCES

Your recent enthusiasm for Cornish pasties has left you carrying a couple of pounds more than is good for you. But it’s not until you discover that you have been
nicknamed ‘two mirrors’ that you finally decide to do something about it. A new ‘perfect body’ exercise regime will really have you jumping through hoops. On Thursday you
will discover that this is due to a mix up when enrolling between Chippendales and Chipperfields. Make sure you’ve flossed before allowing the instructor to put his head in your mouth.

Lucky gazelle:
Thompsons

Lucky voltage:
110v DC

A
RIES

Having been a slave to fashion for the last few years, some doubts have begun to creep in about whether you can still cut the mustard. However, a therapeutic visit to Lakeside
restores any doubts you may have had about your good taste. Resist the urge, however tempting, to acquire a ‘his ‘n’ hers’ sun-strip for the car.

Lucky floor:
Parquet

Lucky Wall:
Max

T
AURUS

An adventurous week starts on Tuesday when Mars enters your fourth house and a mysterious letter in a spidery hand reveals the dreadful family secret you have hidden for so
long. Fortunately, the responsibility exemption certificate you received last Christmas covers both this and Thursday’s summons for impersonating a Coastguard in a built-up area.

Lucky stuffing:
Horsehair

Lucky flatfish:
Skate

G
EMINI

Venus transiting your ruler the Sun this week indicates that a strong creative urge manifests itself on Wednesday. While toying idly with your socket-set you come up with the
notion of a set of handicraft tools guaranteed not to work any better when someone impatiently snatches them away after watching your feeble efforts at DIY.

Lucky Stand:
Custer’s Last

Lucky past:
Chequered

C
ANCER

Your lifelong dream of an online matchmaking service for the over sixties takes a bit of a knock on Tuesday, as mischievous Pluto transits your birthsign. The advertising
agency doesn’t feel that the name ‘Carbon Dating’ conveys the right message for your potential clientele. Be extra careful on Wednesday if you have to drive, operate complex
machinery or gargle with rodents as Mercury turns retrograde just after lunch.

Lucky fencing:
Chain-link

Lucky county:
Corsetshire

L
EO

A difficult trine between Pluto and Mercury, planet of communications could mean a confusing week ahead. When visiting your Doctor for a routine check-up on Thursday, you
generously decide to complete an organ donor card. However, it is worth pointing out that the reason that the spaces on the form are so short is that the transplant authorities are anticipating
words like ‘Kidney’ and ‘Liver’ rather than ‘Bontempi’.

Lucky hinge:
Evadne

Lucky flange:
Swept Elbow

V
IRGO

A square Neptune on Wednesday sees you cornered in the lift by a garrulous colleague keen to relate a tale of heroic, yet calm and collected confrontation, of the taxman. As
this will be the seventeenth time you’ve heard the story you could find yourself hitting the duty-free Retsina before lunchtime.

Lucky bathroom suite:
Taupe

Lucky table:
Drop leaf

L
IBRA

Unlike those with the fixed signs strong in their charts you may find Neptune troublesome early in the week. On Tuesday your pre-occupation with the 1960s
Stingray
television programme leads you into conflict with the authorities once again. It’s true that your ‘aquaphibian’ impression is second to none, but filling the cavities in your
double-glazing with water and tropical fish, and lounging in the window dressed as ‘Marina’, gets you into trouble with both Greenpeace and the RSPCA, so try to tone it down.

Lucky songbird:
Spotted Pie-catcher

Lucky affliction:
Guppies

S
CORPIO

You’ve always felt, like Socrates, that the unexamined life is not worth living. However, borrowing a high-powered broadcast-quality video camera from work while the lady
over the road has removed her net-curtains may bring the philosophical nature of your motives into question this week. Mercury, planet of communications, enters your sign on Wednesday, so if you
need a decent excuse, wait until then.

Lucky lift:
Clean and jerk

Lucky pastry:
Filo

S
AGITTARIUS

Money is a little tight this week. With the full moon in challenging Saturn and the question being asked about when you are going to get a nice little earner on the side like
that chap with the wonky eye, it looks like you’ll have to wait another month for those tyres for your caravan. This will come as a blow to your partner, who was particularly looking forward
to Lowestoft next week. A yodelling accident is a distinct possibility on Thursday.

Lucky adjective:
Crispy

Lucky outlook:
Fey

C
APRICORN

The combination of the Moon entering your fourth house and the rising temperatures means that you may be feeling a slight restlessness at work; not so much that you want to run
away to sea and spend the rest of your life under an assumed name working as a crewman on a cockle-dredger, but it may be worth investing in new oilskins just in case.

Lucky fork:
South

Lucky pastry:
Rough-puff

A
QUARIUS

An excellent week during which you will be presented with innumerable opportunities to laugh at others’ misfortunes, poke fun at those with too much home-contents
insurance and draw spectacles on pictures of leading Academics. On Thursday, a stroke of luck in the canteen raffle will see you receive a jar of hand-lotion and some high-altitude climbing
equipment.

Lucky approach:
Cautious

Lucky glass:
Stained

P
ISCES

Does it sometimes feel as if you’re doing all the work and others just sit back and let you get on with it? The saying ‘If you want a job done properly, do it
yourself’ might well have been said first by you. The rest of the team just don’t seem to be pulling their weight. On Friday a bony woman with an intense stare takes exception to your
second-best dancing trousers in the local wool-shop and has you barred.

Lucky collar:
Eton

Lucky implement:
Laundry tongs

A
RIES

Like most Aries, you live in the fast lane, working and playing very hard. However, you must remember to build in some rest and recovery time as it’s likely that if you
carry on at the rate you’ve been maintaining for the last week, you won’t have any energy left for Pro-Celebrity Banger Racing on Thursday. A chance discovery of a lemon bon-bon in a
jacket pocket on Friday finishes the week on a high.

Lucky beans:
Borlotti

Lucky clam:
Giant Pacific

T
AURUS

With the last of the August sales now with us and the Moon in Leo, there is an almost frantic energy about your efforts to secure those last-minute bargains. On Wednesday your
enthusiasm for a leopard-print bikini spills over and you let yourself down by becoming involved in an unseemly scuffle with the Duchess of Argyll at the clearance rail in Peacocks. On Friday a
casual remark to a local ombudsmen may lead to an unexpected offer of shenanigans. You should reject this, as you know what Irish food does to you.

Lucky hobby:
Fluffer

Lucky bird:
Sword-finch

G
EMINI

The intervention of Chiron in your sign on Tuesday can only mean that after all these years your Coconut Matt Monro doormat finally catches the public’s attention. It is
not only hard-wearing, but welcomes you home with some of the great crooner’s all-time classics. If you fail to wipe your feet it makes the sound of galloping horses. A snip at £19.99
and a joy to hoover.