My Forever (4 page)

When
I c
lose the binder when another
irony of the situation hits me. My father has been cursing that organization since I can remember. The bell rings for the end of the day
,
and I step out of the nurse’s office, leaving the binder on the bookshelf.

“Thanks.” I wave.

“Here are some vitamins
.
S
tart taking them now.” She hands me a plain white plastic bottle
with no label
. “Come back if you need anything
,
Dani.” She look
s relaxed and her smile is warm, and incredibly, she’s not much bigger than me.

“’Kay.”

“Your parents know you were here for a headache. Use it and take some time for yourself this weekend okay?” She rubs her hand across my back a few times.

“Thanks, I’ll try.” No one who shares a room with Hannah can get a fair amount of peace. 

~
~
~

M
om looks worried
when I step inside the house. I take her
suggestion and go straight to bed. When I throw up Saturday morning, she’s really worried. She keeps Hannah out of my room all day and leaves me alone. My weekend is positively blissful.

I
t takes a while, but I
find my ear buds and listen to every CD Zack made for me. I pull out m
y camera and use the small view
finder to flip through the photos I’ve taken recently.

My grandparents pick one kid each year for the “big” gift. This past Christmas was my year. They bought me a digital SLR camera. I love it. I take pictures for the school paper and the yearbook. It’s just one more thing that helps keep me sane.

On Sunday morning, everyone in my family heads over to the church
,
and I’m alone. I don’t remember ever being alone in our house before, at least not for longer than just a few minutes. I enjoy every single second.

~
~
~

On Monday morning I’m able to act like the good kid and say how important school is
,
and that I really need to be there. Mom looks proud. I arrive just in time to throw up in the nurse’s office before class starts. I wonder how long this will go on. I’m terrified enough about being pregnant
already. I really could do
without the early morning reminders.

“Stay after today!” Jill hollers down the hall at me just bef
ore sixth period. “We’re goin
g
to watch the game!”

I wave to show her that I’ll be there. We don’t stay to watch sports often, but we do sometimes. I have friends from honor society who play and like to go.
My
camera
’s
with me today
,
and I’m sure no one else
from yearbook
will be taking pictures. Besides, nothing can beat being at my house alone last weekend
.
I’m not anxious to go back there now that I’m “all better.”

~
~
~

Kristin sits to my left, and Jill’s next to her.
I know one of the cheerleaders so we sit just a few rows off the floor so we can yell at all the right times. We have a good boys’ basketball team.
There’s Michael who’s
a really cute guy
—dark hair, nice brown eyes. Tall. W
e’ve been friends for a while
,
but I’ve also had a bit of a crush on him since we were science partners last year.

John, Colin, Calvin and a few other guys
are also on the team
. They all hang out together,
and
they’re all really good.
Surprisingly nice guys for jocks.

Michael’s having a great night.
Nobody gets past him. I find myself watching him more than I should. He might be nice and say hi to me
,
but I’m not so dumb as to think I’m anywhere near his league. He could probably date just about anyone. He doesn’t though. I try to think back to a girlfriend he’s had
,
and I can’t think of anyone. He always seems to
have a date to the dances
, and he goes out a lot.
It doesn’t really match up.

His eyes catch mine as he takes a seat on the bench
. I
t’s almost halftime
,
and it’s the first time he hasn’t been out on the court. He looks back over his shoulder and sees me looking at him again. I look away quickly, maybe he
didn’t
notice. But really, I already know he did. Oh well, I’m looking at everyone, right?

I watch the players on the court and the cheerleaders
, making sure I don’t look at Michael anymore
. At halftime they all get up and just before he goes around the corner to the locker rooms, our eyes meet again. Crap. Now he knows I’m watching him for sure.
I decide to hide behind my camera for a while.
It’s a lot easier to watch someone when I’m the one behind the lens.

Then it hits me. Michael’s the one who told me he was adopted. Wow. Relief. And then I realize I’ll have to try to find a way to not only talk with him,
but
get so deep into conversation that I can tell him I’m pregnant
,
and know he’s adopted. Yeah, right. I pick up my camera and spend the second half of the game on the floor taking pictures.

Jill gives me a ride home. The ride is near silent. Kristin and Jill are never silent. I almost ask, but
am
afraid to
because after ditching them in the second half to sit on the floor, they’ve been weird
.

~
~
~

“
Dani
!” Dad says as I come through the door. “How was the game?”

“We won.” I shrug.
And I remembered which of my friends is adopted, so that’s cool
.

“Well, your mom has had kind of a hard day. Maybe you could help her in the kitchen?” He gives me a pat on the back as I put my stuff away in the mudroom.

I shrug and wander in. I don’t mind helping with dinner. I’d way rather cook than clean up. Cooking is fun.

M
om and I work silently. We’ve cooked together for a lot of years. The smell of cilantro and jalapeno peppers stick to my fingers and I like it. I don’t give much thou
ght to my mom being from Mexico because
it doesn’t come up often. She’s always been too anxious to be American to make sure we understand what it is to be Mexican
,
but we all love the food. It’s the only time I feel the link.

We have enchiladas with rice, beans and my mom’s delicious green chili soufflé. We make one spicy for my parents and me, and the other one milder for my brothers and sisters.
It’s just a night of the regular family bustling and eating, and I soak up every minute of it.

I forget I’m pregnant. I forget that I want to try to talk to Michael. I forget about Lucas and Zack and homework. I bring my hands to my face and inhale the smells of dinner. I look around at my siblings loading their plates around the table. This is when my family gets along
;
when we’re all stuffing our faces with the delicious things that come from Mom’s kitchen.

This is one part of my life that I don’t want to change, but I know it’s inevitable.
Especially now.

4

“Have you told your parents yet?” Jill asks
as we walk to the lunchroom together
.
She has her spiraled hair up high on her head today, making her even taller than normal. I suddenly feel like a midget.

I shake my head.

“Kristin and I were talking.” Jill looks uncomfortable, as if she’ll burst into flames if she holds still. The image distracts me for a moment.

“About?”

“Well, when your parents find out it’s not going to be good.”
She looks half apologetic, but it seems
forced
, making me suspicious.

“Yeah. Thanks for that,” I say.

“You know what I mean.” She rolls her eyes. “I just, I’m worried about what my parents are g
oing to think about you and me…
you know, since we’re friends.”

“What? That you’ll accidentally get pregnant by hanging out with me?”

“No,
”
she snaps, obviously
not in the mood for me to make
her feel dumb. “It’s just that
my parents are already strict and…”

Now I get it. She’s worried about what
my
pregnancy is going to do to
her
social life. If I’m being honest with myself,
which
I don’t love to do, it hurts a little. “Whatever.” I shake my head and start to walk away. Better to distance myself from her and her non-existent social life before the news gets out.

“It’s not that we don’t like you,
” Jill calls.
“It’s just that—
”

I spin around. “Why did you even invite me yesterday if you didn’t want to hang out with me anymore
,
huh?” Wow, I sounded forceful, powerful. Where did that come from?

She backs up a step.
“It’s no
t that we can’t, it’s just that—
”

I shake my head and look down the hallway, tears are suddenly threatening. I don’t want to cry. Not now. Not at school. And not over friends who don’t want to be my friends.

My breath hitches. Michael is watching me. When our eyes catch, he looks away. He’s staring?
At me?
That gives me the same kind of nervous tingling that started my pregnancy. Maybe talking to him isn’t such a good idea.