My Forever (30 page)

Her name is Eliza Claire Wright. She’s the most remarkable little thing you’ve ever seen. I couldn’t possibly explain the experience. I won’t even try until I see you a
gain in person. I did it though.
I did it
,
and I survived. Jackie is one of the best, kindest people I know. Don’t laugh. She saved me.

It’s been a week
,
and
I haven’t gone to see Eliza yet.
I’m not ready. Brian is less nervous and emotional than his wife, or at least he hides it better so we’ve worked out a code
-
I send him an email.
I don’t even have to say anything
,
and he’ll call me or email me back. This way they don’t feel pressure to be always sending me something
,
but if I want something, I can ask. I’ve sent two emails asking for a picture, he wrote back both times almost immediately with more pictures than I could count. He invited me over, but I need to wait a while longer. I know it’s not even Thanksgiving
,
but your dad and his wife invited me on vacation for Christmas. I might try my grandparents. I miss my family. I need something to do.

So, I wanted you to know that I think the hardest part is all over
,
and now that it’s not hanging out there, I’m not sure what to do with myself. Maybe I’ll start school next semester, though all I really want to do is take pictures. For the first time in my life, I’m okay with not knowing exactly what’s coming next. I’m sure it will be good.

Take care of yourself,

Love,

Dani

             
Dani-

             
You are the most courageous, faithful soul I’ve ever met. The Lord will bless you in ways you
cannot even begin to comprehend.
I can feel it.

             
Love You So Much,

             
Elder Mason

PART
2

Eliza’s home with her family.

I’m not speaking with mine.

Michael’s gone on his mission.

And I don’t know how to pass the time.

Aren’t I clever?

I have absolutely no idea what to do with myself.
At all.

20

Our Relief Society President, Sister McKay
,
stands up before we start the meeting.  “Does anyone know how to play the piano? We don’t have our piano player today.” She scans the group of us. My heart beats hard. I can prob
ably do this.

“I play,” I say quietly.

“Oh!”
She smiles as she sits down
.
“T
hank you.”

I stand up and walk to the piano bench. It’s been months, but when I sit down the keys are all still where they should be.
Guess I’m stuck.

“It’s um…
been a while since I played.” I’m nervous. Why did I have to stand up like that?

“Oh, it doesn’t matter at all.”
Sister McKay chuckles.
I love Sister McKay. She makes me laugh every Sunday.

I think about how
I’m going to see Eliza for the first time this afternoon
,
and I’m nervous. I’m not sure what to expect. Oh, piano. I should actually be playing right now while they set up. I turn the hymnbook to the one we’re singing today
,
and then I let my fingers roll up and down the keys to create some background music. I check the hymn over while my fingers play around softly on the keys. I realize that I’ve missed this. The music makes its way up my fingers and fills me in a way that just listening will never do.

The hymn is simple and pretty.
I’m smiling the whole time. When I take my seat a few of the ladies sitting next to me pat my shoulders and my back. It feels good to be a contributing part of the ward, even though it was a simple task.

I don’t have a calling
, or a job at church
. I think the bishop is afraid to overwhelm me. He knows what I’ve been through, what I’m going through. Most everyone in our ward knows what I’m going through. There’s no hiding a pregnant belly at nine months, there’s no hiding the lack of husband, and there’s no hiding the fact that the baby isn’t with me. But only the bishop
and Jackie have the whole story, and
I like it that way.

~
~
~

Jackie offers to come with me to the Wright’s house to see Eliza
,
but I want to do it alone. I need to be able to do things alone.

I take the bus. The nearest stop to them is one block down the hill and across the main street. I think its First Street
,
but now that I’m off the bus and across it, I don’t remember.
I’m excited to see them again, but p
art of me wishes Eliza wasn’t there. Just Brian and Leigh, letting me into their family in their friendly way. I don’t know if it
will feel good or sad or what. It’s been two nights since I’ve slept well
haven’t slept
, but if I’m going to have a relationship with all of them, which I really want, I need to start now.

I walk slowly up the hill, still
wearing clothes from church. It’s actually a black maternity dress from Jackie, but now that I’m not pregnant, it doesn’t look like maternity clothes anymore. I don’t think. Anyway, it’s what I have. I’m stan
ding outside their building like
a total chicken
,
wishing I had something to do. Something to keep me busy for a minute so I can think before walking up the stairs. But I don’t h
ave anything to do so I head
up. Slowly. I stand in front of their door and before I
can either knock or turn away—
Brian opens the door.

I’m struck again by what a good-looking man he is. He still has his dress shirt on from church but his sleeves are rolled up to his elbows. There’s one tattoo on his forearm that I can see, but the rest are hidden.

“It is really great to see you, Dani.” He immediately reaches out and gives me a hug. “I c
an’t believe how great you look.
You’re so tiny
!”

I look down. I look like myself. I don’t get it. Oh, dummy. They’ve never seen me not pregnant. Well, except for those few moments at the hospital.

I suddenly feel guilty about not coming soone
r. It’s been over a month
, and it’s nearly Thanksgiving.
They’ll be taking Eliza to the temple soon I’m sure—adding to their eternal family.
I slide my shoes off in their bizarre entryway. There’s this wall so you can’t really see the rest of their place when you’re just inside the door. I walk around
,
and Leigh is on the couch with Eliza in her arms. She’s feeding her a bottle. Nathan is on the floor. He and his dad have been drawing. I’ve only seen Brian sketch out a few things, but I could watch those two
draw
all day.

“Hey Dani!” Leigh’s whole face lights up.

I’m always surprised by her green eyes
. I don’t know why. I know they’re green. They’re just beautiful. Everyone in my family has my mom’s brown eyes, even my brother Daniel who looks like dad
.
I wonder briefly how they’re all doing
.

One family c
raziness
at a time, Dani
. Let’s just cover this one today
.

“Come on over.” She gestures, but I’m not sure if I want to just yet. I mean, I do want to, but I don’t want to. I don’t know what to do. I stand for a moment wondering if I should have come or not. Leigh’s face turns into an apologetic frown. She’s probably feeling bad
that she’s encouraged me
to be here.

I stop and kneel next to Nathan. “
Wha’cha
drawing today?” He seems safer than Leigh, or the baby, or even Brian.

“Well, it’s Sunday so I’m only supposed to draw stuff out of the scriptures.” He doesn’t sound too thrilled.

“I see.” I point. “And who’s this guy?”

“That’s Samuel the
Lamanite
, preaching on the wall.”

“Oh.” I don’t know all the stories.

“It’s one of the times when the
Lamanites
are the good guys,” he explains. “Or some of them are.
I’m pretty sure.
”

“Oh.”

Eliza has finished her bottle
,
and Leigh’s gently patting her back
, joy and contentment all over her face.

I
finally
get up and sit next to Leigh.

“Oh good,” s
he smiles
. “I need to pee.”

She sets Eliza straight in my lap and walks out of the room. Eliza’s feet touch my stomach and
her head rests between my knees.
I put a hand on either side of her to keep her from falling, but I’m afraid to look at or touch her.