My Forever (32 page)

I don’t look like me. I look like the woman I’ve always admired. She even cut my hair—not a lot, but I learned how to straighten it and everything.

Also—did you know Jackie already has a four-year degree? She starts law-school in the fall, and I’m still sort of shocked. I also feel bad because I’ve lived here for months and feel like this is stuff I should know.

I feel like I’m walking on a balance beam right now. I have this old life where I shared a room with my little sister and helped my father be the pastor and lived in a nineteen seventies trailer posing as a house. In this new life of mine, I’m a Mormon girl, I live in an incredible house on Lake Union, and I have a roommate who drives a convertible and a baby who lives with a different family. The changing of my clothes is the least of my worries, but it is an outward reminder of how much life has changed for me. And just like I’m balancing lives, I also feel like I have to walk and talk just right or everyone will know I’m some poor imposter in designer jeans.

Wow, I didn’t actually mean to get
all philosophical
on you there. I just wanted to tell you about shopping. I’ve signed up for classes at Seattle Community
college
. I have one semester done with my ACT scores testing me out of math and my AP classes all transferring without a hitch
(a miracle)
. I’m looking forward to being in school again though I have no idea what I want to do.

How’s the language coming? Having fun? Keeping busy?

Love,

Dani

***

After a Thanksgiving meal like I’ve never had
,
catered by one of th
e
finer restaurants in town, I miss home.
So, i
n a fit of nostalgia, I write my grandparents.

Grandpa and Grandma
LeClaire
–

It’s
Dani,
I’m in Seattle right now and was hoping you wouldn’t mind a visit from me sometime over the holidays.

Love, Dani

I love Michael’s family and Eliza’s family,
but I miss
my own
. The one I grew up around.
The ones who knew me in diapers.
There’s just something to be said for someone you share blood with who’s known you for that long.

~
~
~

In my need to accomplish something, and Jackie’s need to keep pushing me forward, I email Leigh to tell her that I’ll be in Portland, and would her and Lori like for me to take some pictures
for their store
. She emails back almost immediately with a yes.

When we arrive in Portland I’m excited.
As excited as Jackie.
They have clothes and
models
all picked out as we step into the store.
It’s another time I wish I had Michael’s quiet confidence to back me up instead of Jackie’s unfounded enthusiasm.

I’m in completely over my head.
They hired models
runs through my brain over and over
.
I remind myself that I know I can do better than what they’d already had done. Also, they really put a lot of work into the first set of photos,
so
I shouldn’t be surprised that they went to the same amount of trouble this time.

I pull out every piece of camera equipment I have
while they finish dressing the girls, and the
weather goes from beautiful, to okay, to pouring down rain.

“The weather.” Leigh
frowns in the doorway
. We’d planned on going outside.

I have an idea. “Let’s go out anyway.”

We all exchange glances and go outside
, leaving the models who aren’t needed
,
inside the shop
.

Now I just have to hope I can make this work.

Nearly ten hours later,
I’m sitting at my
computer
looking at what I’ve
done with some creative lighting, Jackie’s genius idea of makeup, and the girls in
LoriLee’s
clothes. Everything is fabulous. J
ust like I pictured only better. The rain adds this dark,
edgy
feel
that they were missing before.
After tweaking, and dirtying up the
pics
a
I bit, I email a few
to Bria
n. He responds in less than two
minutes.

Wow!

I can’t wipe the smile off my face for days.

22

Grandma picks me up at the small bus station
for Christmas
.
It only took a week for me to get a note from her saying that they’d love to have me. Just the thought of being around my real family again has
me both excited and relieved. As she climbs out of the car, s
he’s just like I remember with her short, white hair and bright blue trench coat.

We hug and get
into the same old Cadillac I remember from when I was a kid. My granddad loves this car. I get to sit in the front seat now.

“How are Mom and D
ad?” I ask.

Her
thin
lips purse together. “They’re the s
ame as always,” she answers
.

“And what about my brothers and sisters?” I’m so anxious for news of them.
All of them.
I’ve been afraid to call the house.

She’s silent and grips the steering wheel
.

“Relax, Grandma,” I say. “I’m just curious. I haven’t seen them for months.”

“Your brother Daniel is in the Army.”

“What?”
Daniel’s in the Army?
He’d talked about it, but had no real plans when I left home.

“Well your dad only needs so much help with the church and Isaac and Gloria pretty much have that taken care of.” She shrugs.

“Wow, the A
rmy.” I suddenly really miss Daniel.

“Do you have his address?” I ask.

She looks stressed again as
we pull up to her house. “You’ll have
to talk to your parents sweetie.
I don’t want to be in the middle of whatever mess you have all created with each other.”

“Okay.” I’m disappointed. What on earth are we going to talk about for the next few days?

Their house doesn’t have the same happy holiday feel I remember from when I was a kid. It sme
lls the same and looks the same. I
t just
feels
different. I realize how much of my grandparents house smell is simply age and mustiness. Grandma’s trinkets and plates are on nearly every surface and now old tinsel and shiny garland hang in every possible spot.

Grandpa is
in front of the TV
and
stands up when we walk in.

“Well, look at you Danielle. Y
ou look almost just like your mom the first time we met her. You’re not quite as dark I don’t think, but close.”

“Harold,” Grandma scolds
.

“What?”

“It’s okay,” I say. “I have dark skin.” I don’t see why this is a big deal. I suddenly wonder how they felt when their son married my mother.

I follow my grandma into the kitchen. Dinner from my grandma is inevitably some sort of casserole.

She leans over to me. “I wouldn’t ask about your family around your
g
randpa. I don’t think he’s much happier than your father about all of this.”

I
choke back tears that hit me just as fast as her words
. I want to go sit in the spare room and cry.

We eat dinner. They specifica
lly don’t ask about the baby.
I want to tell them all about Eliza Claire, how she’s like me but so much more beautiful, how Brian and Leigh are some of the most wonderful people I know. How I now play piano at church again. I want to tell them about Michael and his mission and about his dad’s house, but I can’t talk about any of it.

I realize how removed my life is from theirs. I came here hoping to feel like they were a bridge that’s wider than my balance beam between my old life and my new one. Turns out they’re just something else that reminds me how little of my old life is left. I want to go home. Grandma and I didn’t really talk about how long I was going to stay. We’ll probably all be relieved.

I email Brian and Leigh the following day asking if either of them can pick me up from the bus station in Seattle to take me home. A cab would cost a fortune. I realize this might lead to unnecessary questions, but right now it’s all I can think of to do. Jackie, her mom and Clint are in Colorado for another week. For the first time, I wish I’d gone with them. And for the millionth time I want to kiss Jackie for buying me this stupid phone on our shopping day.

~
~
~

In the morning, m
y grandparents are sitting with their
Eggo
waffles and orange juice, listening to news radio and staring out the window. I’m sad because I love them
,
but my grandpa especially, is just tolerating my presence.

“I got an invite from a good friend
,
so I thi
nk I’ll take off later on today,
” I say as I walk in the room. Leigh hasn’t texted me back
,
but I’ll find a way home. I try to sound casual
,
and I’m prepared for them to be unhappy. My grandpa just grunts as if he expected as much. My grandma
nods
. She understands.