My Forever (35 page)

I’m not at all ready to tease about this. “Lucas, you didn’t have to be pregnant for nine months. You weren’t kicked out of your family’s house. You didn’t just have to move and spend Christmas with people you barely know. You
didn’t sit in the hospital holding
a baby you’d carried knowing it wasn’t yours to keep.” My pace quickens as we walk toward my house.

“Dani,
I’m sorry… I was just teasing. Wait up!
”

I stop
when
he catches my arm
.

“I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you. It will be my big mistake. It will always be the thing I could have done better.” He looks sorry, more t
han sorry. He hugs me again,
and I let myself lean into him. I can’t help but wonder how things would have been different if I’d said yes to him, or if he realized at all what we were in for if I
had
said yes. I pull back just slightly and look up at him. He tips his head down and
kisses me. His lips are so soft and so warm and so full
of Lucas that I don’t think,
just kiss him back.

Wait.

“No. No.”
I push him back. “This is not going to happen.
” I gesture between us.

His thumb brushes my cheek before dropping to his side.

I’m not sure if this is
him gi
ving up, or him
pushing forward, but I’m stepping away.

~
~
~

Lucas sleeps on the couch. Jackie, as predicted, is not happy.

I call Leigh the next morning and Brian answers.

“Hey, it’s Dani.”

“Hey, Dani. H
ow are things?” I love his warm, friendly voice.

“I have a favor.” I’m suddenly
not even sure how to ask. “The…um…
dad is in town and wants to visit. We could meet you
somewhere or you can come here. W
hatever is most comfortable for you.”

Brian is quiet for a moment. I wonder if he’s nervous or worried or just doesn’t want to do it.

“You two are welcome to come this way
.
Leigh and I are home all
day or we’ll meet you somewhere. I
t’s up to you.”

I think about how I really should get Lucas out of Jackie’s house.

“We’ll be there in an hour?” I ask. “Is that okay?”

“That’s fine,
” Brian says carefully. “Are
you
okay?” He’s worried about me. T
his is what the hesitation is about.

“Yeah.
” I glance
at Lucas. “We’ve been catching up.”

Lucas
touches the ends of my hair, and doesn’t take his eyes off mine
.
Guess he’s not giving up.

“We’ll see you soon, Brian.”

~
~
~

Lucas wants to take his car
,
but I have the routine down and want to take the bus. He finally agrees and joins me on the bus.
I’m sitting and he’s standing
.

“You’re on this thing
all the time?” He looks around at the cramped bus.

“A lot,” I say. “Its how I get to work, and soon it’ll be how I get to school.”

When the bus stops, the seat next to him opens up, and he takes it, pulling me onto his lap.

“I can stand.” I sigh as he puts his arms around my waist.

“You can also sit.”
He winks.

I don’t want Lucas, but I do miss being close to someone.
My eyes catch with the guy I saw
on the bus a while ago, the one with the bright blue eyes.
The guy with the soft voice who was worried about me.
I watch him for a moment
,
and then it’s embarra
ssing since I was just
sitting on Lucas’ lap.

My nerv
e
s start in as we
get off
the bus
and head up the street. Lucas takes my hand. I don’t know if I want it right now or not
, so I hold on for a moment and then cross my arms over my chest, and don’t look his way. I don’t want to know if I’ve hurt his feelings. I might like it, or I might feel really bad—neither is a good option
. I knock on the door
, and
Leigh
opens it up immediately giving
me a hug.

“You must be Lucas.
Dani’s
told us a lot about you.” I can tell Leigh is anxious
,
but I’d be surprised if he picks up on it. We step in and take off our shoes. I know Nathan’s at school and Brian is often really busy during the day.

“It’s nice to meet you.” Lucas shakes her hand.

We come into the living room and Brian walks in. Brian looks intimidating if you don’t know him. I watch Lucas’ reaction. They shake hands
,
and I realize that Lucas is only very slightly shorter than Brian. Brian is just broad.

“Wow, this is
her
.” Lucas looks at baby Eliza happily swinging in her swing, chewing on a baby toy. “She looks just like you Dani. She’s beautiful.” Lucas looks up at me and then
back
to Eliza.
He kneels in front of her,
less shy around her than I used to be. Part of me is jealous at the easy way he just walks in here.

“You’re welcome to hold her,” Brian says. “
Dani’s
family.”

Lucas reaches out and stops the swing
, pulling
Eliza out and
grinning. S
he flashes him her new smile right back.

“Wow.” He looks around at everyone. “Does this ever get old?”

“Never,” Leigh replies. She doesn’t even have to think about it.

“So, this is a little weird, huh?” Lucas says. “New parents, birth parents…”

“No, no, it’s good.” Leigh is just so happy. If Eliza brought ten people with her, Leigh would love each of them.

“So Dani, Jackie tells me you’re officially the piano player in church now.”
Leigh gives me a smile.

“Oh, she used to do that in her father’s church
. W
e went there together,” Lucas says. “That’s where we met.”

“Oh, I didn’t know that,” Leigh answers.

“This is your first calling right?” Brian asks
me
.

“Yeah.” It felt so good to be asked to do something.

“I also wanted to show you...” Brian turns his computer toward me. He landed the huge job of the website for the Seattle Tourism bureau. Two of my photos are on the front page.

I can’t contain my excitement. “Wow! Brian! I can’t believe you used mine!”

“Your what?” Lucas asks.

“My photos.” I point to the page. One of my pictures is the background for the whole thing. I love it. It means more money for me too. Brian pays me a small amount to put my photos in
to the test site
,
and
once the site is approved, I get a larger chunk. It works for both of us. We’re still in discussion over what’s fair for
LoriLee
. I want to do those for free, even though it was a lot of work.

“Cool Dani.” Lucas looks relaxed. He’s holding Eliza and smiling and chatting like we get together and do this all the time.

I’m jealous again for how easy this seems to him.

We need to
get going because
I don’t want to take any more of Brian and Leigh’s time. I take Eliza from Lucas to give
her a
snuggle before I leave. I always breathe in her sweet baby smell. Now sh
e laughs when I do it. I love that even more
. I slide on
my shoes and head out the door,
just need
ing
to get to the bus stop.

Brian and Leigh are used to the abrupt way I leave their house.

“Wait up!” Lucas calls from behind me.

“I just need to get a little further,” I try to explain. I’m happy our visit went as well as it did
,
but it still overwhelms me. I have tears on my cheeks as I hit the button for pedestrians over and over, trying to get across the road.

“What’s up Dani?” He touches my shoulder. I shrug him off. I just need a few more steps
on my own. My light finally change
s
,
and the cars stop. As soon as I get to the other side
of the street
I take a deep breath.

“Dani?” He puts his hands on my shoulders so we’re facing one another.

I’m finally in a spot where I can breathe and I feel good again.

“Are you okay?”

“This is my safe spot.” I’m still out of breath. “I know that I’ll be okay when I make it this far.”

He looks confused. “Why did you give her up then
,
Dani? If it’s like this, why didn’t you say yes to me and why didn’t we keep her?”

I close my eyes. He doesn’t get it. “
She’s not mine and its okay.
It
s just overwhelming being there with all of t
hem.
T
hat’s all.” My feelings are hurt
,
but I try not to show it. 

“You’re different
,” h
e says.

“So are you
,”
I say back. And now I know why it was so easy for Lucas to see her. He doesn’t recognize the
feeling around
those people that I do. With Brian, Leigh and Eliza.