My Forever (31 page)

I don’t think Brian approves.
Not that he does
n’t approve of me holding her
—
I think that he doesn’t approve of his wife forcing this. I’m still afraid to look at Eliza. What Brian doesn’t know is that Leigh makes me feel good. I’d rather have her forcing me to do more than I’m comfortable than for me to not feel welcome. I like them. I like their house. I want to be here. I need to make sure to send Brian an email later on today or tomorrow. I make myself look down at the baby.

She takes my breath away. She looks like me.
I can see my skin and my hair, and then
breathe out a sigh of relief that she doesn’t look like her dad. Not that he’s a bad looking guy. It would just make it even harder. I’m okay with this. Her eyes are huge and deep brown. They widen when I smile and her eyebrows go up.

“Wow, she’s amazing isn’t she?” I glance toward Brian.

He nods. “She’s beautiful, just like her mom.” From him it’s a nice compliment. He says it like plain fact. He’s not trying to suck up to me or make me feel better.

“Yes she is.” Leigh agrees as she walks back in the room. “I’m so glad you made it out, Dani. We’ve missed you. We saw you so much just before, I was starting to worry that you wouldn’t come visit.”

“I just wasn’t sure what to expect.” I look down at Eliza again. “I’m so glad she doesn’t look like her dad.”
I kind of laugh now.
To say that out loud makes it seem silly.

Brian and Leigh look at one other. I haven’t talked about him. They’ve never asked. I can tell they’re curious
,
but they won’t ask now either. They know this trip will already be awkward for me. Eliza is still happy on my lap.

“He’s three years older than me,” I start. I’m still watching Eliza’s face make all sorts of bizarre expressions. “He wa
s a good friend for a long time. W
e weren’t dating or anything. He’s
tall, close to six feet with
light brown hair and hazel eyes
. He’s a good guy, smart. I think he finishes his degree this year. Physics.” I add the last little bit so they know more about him. Eliza will be curious one day. I’ll have to find a picture of him for her.

I touch Eliza’s hands and continue to watch. Her eyes now rest closed
,
and I know that I can’t sit here with her sleeping on me. That’ll be too much. “Do you want your daddy or your mommy pretty girl?”

Leigh looks at Brian and he walks over to take her from me. I’m sad and relieved at the same time.

“Well, thanks.” I say standing up.

“You won’t stay for dinner?” Leigh asks.

“No, I’m headed over to the Masons’ house,” I tell her. Mostly I just feel this sudden desperate need to leave.

“Thanks for coming all this way Dani. Can I give you a ride home or get you a cab?” Brian asks.

“No need.” I sh
ake my head. “I got my bus pass.
I’m good.” Why must I stare at the floor?

Brian starts to protest
,
but I look at him and shake my head just slightly. He understands. I’m doing this on my own.

“Thank you for making me
feel
welcome. I’ll stay longer next time.” My feet slide into my shoes.

Brian sits down with Eliza and Leigh walks with me to her front door.

“We’re not chasing you out, are we?”

“Not at all.” I can’t look at her. It feels like too much. It’s not good or bad it’s just a
lot
. I put on my raincoat and walk out the door. I can tell Leigh wants to walk me out
,
but I hear Brian in the background.

“Just let her go
,
Leigh. She’s okay.” He tries to be quiet so I don’t hear.

By the time I hit the street,
I’m crying.
Part
ly
because of Eliza, part
ly
because of the love in the room.
I know now that the bond Brian, Leigh and I had before Eliza was born is even stronger now. I’m so relieved. I realize I’ve been more worried
that they won’t like me anymore
now that they have her. As if the draw to me only had to do with her. But it’s not that way.

We’re still okay
. I’m okay. I think about Eliza.
I think about seeing my face in hers.
And now
I wonder if tears will just be a part of my visits to them.

I wipe my cheeks again and look down the street. I decide that all I need to do is make it past the intersection. As soon as I get to the bus stop the tightness in my c
hest will go away. I’ll be okay.
Just
across the street. And of course, the street light changes. So I stand here, trying to slow my tears down and I do, a little. When the light changes to let me walk, I dash to the other side and take a deep breath. I make it. I force myself to take another slow deep breath in.

I don’t need to cry anymore. I’m okay.
The bus stop can be my safe place.

As soon as the bus slows, I climb on for the trip home.
I’m staring out the front window when I realize someone is looking at me.
A guy,
maybe a couple years older
.
His dark curly hair is so
short,
you almost can’t see the curl. His eyes are a bright blue that sparkle. He’s cute. I look away
as my heart speeds up
.

“You okay?” His voice is soft
,
but I can hear him, despite the grinding of the bus engine.

“Fine.” I don’t make eye contact. Today is not the day
for this—
cute male strangers on buses. I get off at my stop and the bus continues on with the sparkly-eyed man.

Earlier,
I told Jackie to go to her parent’s without me. When I arrive home, she’s gone. I heat up leftovers from the night before and sit in front of the TV glad for some time alone.

I spend the next week or so
doing nothing of consequence—
just living. I can fit into my old clothes
,
but I don’t particularly like them anymore, the very few that
I
own. I still have the outfit I wore when my parents kicked me out of the house. I know it’s silly
,
but I go outside and drop it in the water so I can watch it sink
, which is
strangely satisfying.

I need to
figure out what’s next for me because I
can’t be a bum in Jackie’s house forever.

21

Jackie walks straight into my room. No knocking. She must mean business. We’re only a few days from Thanksgiving
,
and I’ve really accomplished nothing since Eliza. I’m sure this is what my interruption is about.

“Okay, Dani. Erase anything on your schedule for tomorrow, if you
have
anything. You’re coming with me.” Her lips are pursed
,
and
her arms are crossed. This is Jackie’s don’t-mess-with-me look.

“What for?” I’m immediately suspicious. Anyone with half a brain would be suspicious if Jackie looked at
them
like she’s looking at me now.

“You’re just coming with me.
We’re cutting your hair.
I cannot, I mean
cannot
see you in another ponytail. Also, you need clothes.”

I look down. “I need to save money…” I start to explain.

“I don’t care.” She puts a hand on her hip and cocks it to the side. “I get a good allowance
,
and I’m sure if I’m a bit over this month, it won’t matter. Besides, this is just driving me crazy. Any woman six weeks after having a baby would want to look like you do. Shoot, a bunch of people who
haven’t
had babies would want to look like you, and you’re honestly just wasting it.” Fortunately I can see a smile on the edges of her mouth.

“I don’t know where to start,” I admit. I don’t know how to dress. I know how to dress for high school. I don’t know what I want to
do
even. I have no idea how to look like Jackie. I don’t know if I
want
to look like Jackie. I, I,
I
…
am admittedly acting a bit pathetic.

“I have a stack
of magazines in the living room. You mark pages—a
nything you like, even if you think you could never pull it off. Actually, don’t mark the pages.
Just pull them out. I’ll look
t
hem
over
,
and then we’ll shop.”

“Okay.”
I’m part interested, part terrified
. Jackie is a force to be reckoned with.

“Come on.” She turns and we walk to the living room together. “You sit here.”

“
Now
?”

She drops a stack about a foot tall next to me on the couch.

“Yes, now. Have fun
!” She flops down in her favorite chair and picks up the TV remote. “You work on this.” She pa
ts the tall stack with her hand. “A
nd I’ll catch up on Project Runway.” She rests back in satisfaction and scrolls through the DVR menu.

I do as she asks. I begin to rip out pages, pages of hair, shoes, clothes, anything I like. Jackie occasionally glances over at my progress
and nods
.

I’m halfway through her stack of magazines, i
t’s bedtime
,
and I can’t sleep. I’m too nervous about what Jackie is going to do to me
tomorrow
.

~
~
~

Elder Mason,

Jackie took me shopping. You can imagine the results. I’m trying to get used to having choices of beautiful things to wear every day but it’s hard. There are more dresses, dress pants, skirts and blouses than I’ve ever owned. And the shoes… I probably have two pairs for each outfit. It’s a bit overwhelming
,
but I’m sure I’ll get used to it.