My Forever (42 page)

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I’m sitting in Mandy’s office the week after Thanksgiving. She’s the photographer I almost started working for when I started with Hank. The office is decorated
in depressing shades of beige, and the portraits are all very safe and expected
. I miss the edginess of Hank already.

It’s evident right away that I chose correctly the first time. I won’t learn as much here, but my name will still be out there, I’ll get more experience
,
and I’ll make money. I tried to be prayerful about what I should do next, but everything’s muddy right now. I have this hole in my chest where Michael should be, only he shouldn’t be, and I’m in the middle of my first argument with Jackie just before we’re supposed to take the vacation of a lifetime. Well, the vacation of
my
lifetime anyway.

“Well, Dani.”
Her wide, pale face pulls into a smile. “I’m so glad you called.
I’ve gone through two assistant photographers since we talked months ago.”

I just nod.

“
We’re
heading into Christmas portrait season so if you like, between now and when your next school semester starts, I’ll pay you eighteen an hour. Does that sound fair?”

“And we can renegotiate after that?” I can’t believe how good I sound. As glad as I am I’m not working for Hank anymore, I did learn a lot from him.

“Of course.”

“Great.” I stand up and shake her hand. “We’ll see you next week.”

And just like that, I have a job. Not as exciting as the first one, but I’ll take just about anything.
             

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Both Jackie and I are crazy busy for the last two weeks of school. She seems more than just busy though. She’s really distracted. We haven’t talked since I accused of her being in love with the boy
I’m
in love with. I’m sure I guessed right.

I keep waiting for her to throw me out, but she hasn’t. We’ve gotten too close.  I’m trying to stash every penny I can so I can buy a few things before Hawaii. I do not currently own a swimsuit, and I really don’t have much in the way of summer clothes.

I decide to ask Jackie. We need to do something together.

“Jackie.” I say when she comes home from classes. “We have two days before Hawaii. I need to shop.”

“Have fun.” She glances up only briefly.

“Are you kidding?” I ask. “You’re sending me out on my own?”

“Yep.” She smirks. “Just promise me you’ll get yourself a yellow suit. Anyone with your gorgeous skin would be crazy not to.”

“Okay.” I’m hesitant
,
but at least she’s smiling. Maybe that’s good. I don’t want to be arguing with Jackie.

I’ll have to write Michael later and tell him that his sister refused a shopping trip. I laugh. He probably won’t believe me. I suddenly wonder what her letters to him are like. Does she write more than me? Does she write better than me? Are their letters more private because they’ve known each other longer? I don’t know
,
and i
t’s suddenly all I can think about
.

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I visit the Wright’s before we
leave. Eliza is growing so fast.
I wish all the time I didn’t see so much of myself in her. I wish it for me and for them. They keep insisting that they love it. They hope it’ll keep me around. I just hope it doesn’t do the opposite.

28

Jackie sleeps for the entire flight to Hawaii. I’m too excited. We’re first class. I think it’s awesome. She’s not impressed. I get the feeling that she’s been on planes a little nicer than your average commercial airliner.

When
we check into the Four Seasons where
Jackie and I are sharing a room next to the room of her mom and Clint. I’m nervous about being in close quarters with her.

We walk to our room. Jackie disappears into the bathroom and comes out in a swimsuit. “We’re going to the beach
. C
hange your clothes. We need to talk.”

“Okay.” My stomach tightens up. Is this trip the last big thing before she kicks me out? I don’t want to lose Jackie. We’re too good of friends. I have people, but not a lot of people.

I follow her down to the beach in silence
my nerves string up further the longer the silence stretches
. I’m too nervous to enjoy where we are aside from the delightful warmth. My body was made for this. The heat.

“Okay, so I’m sorry about freaking out on you.” Jackie says as we settle in our lounge chairs.

“It’s totally okay. I miss people being close
,
and so it’s hard for me to say no when someone wants me there. That’s why the boys.” It kills me to admit this
,
but I’d rather do that than have Jackie think I don’
t feel for Michael the way
I do. If I’m right and she does like him, I want her to at least feel like I’m somewhat worthy. Even though I’m not.

“Wow. Okay.” She smiles. We’re going to be okay.

“I’m so sorry, I just have been worried since we talked and then we didn’t talk and then you, Jackie, turned down a shopping trip with me!”

“I did it nicely.” She
shifts her weight on the chair.
“And look at how well you did.” She gestures to my yellow suit.

“Well, I’m sorry anyway.”

“Y
ou were right. A
bout Michael,” she says.

I’m glad I have on sunglasses
because I hope they mask
some of the surprise on my face.
             

“Michael is younger than me so I never really considered it
,
but then I realized that I compared everyone to him
and no one matched up. I
t confused me. And then I saw the way he looked at you
,
and it made me a little jealous. It took me a while to realize that I really do just love him like a brother
,
and it’s a good thing that I compare other boys to him. If my dad was a better man, I’d be comparing boys to
him
.”

“I’m sorry, Jackie. I didn’t ever stop to think about
how my actions affected you.
I was only thinking about Michael and what we agreed
,
and how lonely I am without him around.”

“It’s okay Dani, really.” She pauses before continuing. “When he asked if you could stay with me
,
I didn’t realize how close you were. How much he felt for you.”

“Would you have said no?”

“No, I would have said yes. But I would have been better prepared.”

“I’m sorry.” I’m not even sure what I’m apologizing for at this point. I just feel really bad.

“I didn’t expect that he was in love with you. He totally is by the way.” She looks directly at me. Even through her sunglasses I can tell. “But I liked you immediately
,
and now I’m so glad it all turned out the way it did.”

“Me too.” I have to change the mood. “Just think about where I’d be and what I’d be wearing right now if it weren’t for you.”

“Oh no.
I can’t think about that.” She laughs. “It would really ruin my vacation.”

I laugh with her a little
,
and we sit in the sun in silence. I finally have to ask. “You two write often?”

“What?” she asks.

“You and Michael. Y
ou two must write a lot.”

“I was really good when he first left
,
but he only writes back like half the time, so I stopped putting so much effort into it.”

“Oh.” I work hard not to smile. He’s answered every letter I’ve sent.

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Elder Mason,

             
I don’t know if you call both your mom and your dad on your call days. Anyway, I know Christmas is one of your call days and I thought that maybe if I was the one to answer the phone…

             
Just a thought.

             
Miss you. Wish you were here.

             
Love, Dani

Dani-

             
I need to focus. It’s just not a good idea. I still miss you though, and I can’t wait to hear your voice again.

Love, Elder Mason

It shouldn’t sting, but it does all the same. All from his own idea Clint offers for me to pick up his phone for Michael’s early morning call. I have to decline. I don’t tell him I already suggested it. Having someone else know I was turned down won’t make me feel any better. I wake up early Christmas morning and go for a walk. I don’t want to know when and if they speak.

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We’re on our last day in Hawaii. Jackie and I are spending one last day at the pool.

“Hey, Dani?”

“Yep.” I don’t move. I keep my eyes closed.
Only a few more hours of Hawaiian sun.

“I need to ask you a favor.”

“Anything,” I answer. I owe her so much I can’t even begin to repay her.

“Would you do a double date with me?”

“What?” I
sit up because she has my complete attention.

She sighs. “One of the partner’s kids started at the firm about the time that school started. His name is Chase. Chase Watson. His little brother is that Noah Watson guy.”