My Forever (25 page)

“Just getting kicked. T
hat’s all.” I pull the hand he’s using to hold mine
,
and put it to my stomach. “Here, feel.”

He shifts in his seat, probably uncomfortable, but
I don’t care. I press his hand fla
t down and hold it there, knowing
that’s where her legs are
.
S
he’ll kick him any second. We both wait.

“Holy cow!”
He laughs.
She got him good. “Doesn’t that
hurt
?”

I laugh
too.
“Not usually.” Her movements turn more into pushes rather than big kicks
,
but he can feel her moving around just the same.

“This is amazing.” He keeps one hand on the steering wheel and the other on my stomach.

“I hope I didn’t make you uncomfortable.” I let go of his hand so he can take it back.

“At first
maybe
, but it was totally worth it.” We continue on in silence. He parks his car fairly close to the gate to my house.

He runs out to open my door and help
s
me out of the car. I kind of need it. We both laugh at how clumsy I am now
. M
aybe he’s feeling as awkward and
nervous
as I seem to be
. I stop at the gate with my electronic card. “Thanks for the ride.” I expect him to leave.

“I’ll walk you down.”

“Okay.”
I figured he’d be anxious to get back home, but I’m thrilled he isn’t.

He follows me to the door.

I stop and turn toward him, once again expecting him to tell me goodbye.

“Let’s sit for a bit,” he suggests.

I’ll take every minute I can get
.

We sit next
to one another on the dock,
roll
ing
up our
pant legs and resting
our feet in the
cool
water.

I’m enjoying the quiet, but t
here’s tension, the kin
d that gives me butterflies
I never want to go away. There’s
also
probably a lot to say, but I don’t k
now how to say it. He’s leaving. W
e won’t get to talk. We’ll get to send emails that he’ll check on Mondays. This is what we’ll get for two years. We sit close, letting our legs touch and watching our feet in the water. At some point in time I realize he’s looking at me. He leans toward me, just a little and hesitates for a moment. I don’t move.
Don’t breathe. He’s so close.

I remember our graduation night
,
and hope I can recover if he pulls away again. He leans closer,
brushes his lips against mine
,
then
pulls back just slightly.

“I’m sorry.” He breathes out, not moving. “I know this is really terrible timing.”

Our faces are close. I can’t look away from his brown eyes.

“I’m about to leave…”

“And I’m about to have a baby…”
I kind of laugh.

He starts to pull away, taking my comment as an affirmative that this isn’t the best idea
,
but I lean toward him. He immediately leans in to kiss me again. He isn’t as soft and
careful
as
he was the first time.

I reach my arm around his neck to pull him closer. We kiss again and again. His hand grasps my shoulder and back and his lips feel more desperate against mine each time we come together. My whole body tingles with his touch and the tightening of my stomach muscles make my belly feel funny. The muscles are already stretched too tight.

I almost laugh.

“What?”

“It feels funny.”

He looks hurt.

“Not you,” I explain. “You sent shivers down my body and it just feels weird going through my tummy because everything’s displaced.” I look down and put a hand on either side of my stomach.

“Sorry,” h
e says as he pulls away.

“Did you not mean to do that?” I ask quietly. I’m afraid to hear his answer.

“No. I did.” He’s still looking solidly into my eyes. “I’ve never wanted to kiss a girl like I’ve wanted to kiss you. I wasn’t sure if you felt the same.”

It seems crazy. I think back to our high school and the girls I know liked him. Why me? And how could he not know how I feel? I feel like everything I do around him
betrays
how I feel.

“I just don’t want to confuse things more for you.”

“My life is already confused, or haven’t you noticed?” I try to joke with him. I do
not
want him feeling bad for kissing me.

“I have.” We sit in silence for a few more minutes. I like it. I know he’s just thinking, trying to come up with the right thing to say that’s also th
e honest thing. “I’m leaving. I
t doesn’t matter that I’d really like to stay here with you.”

“It matters to me.” I lean my head on his shoulder and he takes my hand in his and rests them on his lap. I’m enjoying the peace that comes with independence. If I want to talk or I need people around, I now have the church. Just that simple thought will keep me from being lonely, even though I’ll often be alone.  He reaches up with his hand and touches my cheek. He touches underneath my chin, pulling my face toward his. We kiss again. It’s even better than the last time.

He starts to pull away but I keep him close. I can’t get enough. 

“I’m sor
ry. I’m creating a mess here,
” h
e says, pulling away slightly. He holds me tightly, our faces so close together that I d
on’t try to look
at him. “I don’t know what to tell you right
now. I’ve wanted to do that for
a long time. I’ve been completely unfair to you, keeping you closer than I should, but not te
lling you how I feel. It’s just.
I’ve tried to push it away, knowing what you were doing, knowing what I was doing and when I realized you co
uld be married when I come back. Y
ou could be gone and living your own life, I had to kiss you.”

“Thank you.” What a ridiculous thing to say to Michael’s admission of how much he likes me.

“Can I walk you in? I have to go.”  He looks like he might cry. His eyes are watery and his voice shakes. I don’t think I can take it if he cries.

“Help me up?” I ask.

He reaches his hands down and easily pulls me to my feet. We go through the side door into my tiny room. I sit down on my bed, lean against the wall and stretch my legs out in front of me. He sits on the bed facing me. All I can think about is how badly I want to be close to him.

“I feel like a big jerk just leaving you like this.” He takes one of my hands and touches my face with the other.

“Please don’t. I’ll write to you
and let you know how things go.
I’ll let you know when I find those perfect parents.” I try to smile
,
but I’m afraid I’ll cry if I let my face move too much.

“Okay.” I expect for him to move away
,
but he doesn’t. “I want to tell you something, but I’m afraid to.”

“Really? After all that?” I desperately want to know what he’s thinking.

“Part of me wants to stay right here with you. We could be together and live like poor little church mice and raise that sweet baby girl…” I can see tears on his face now. He takes my hands in his and brings them to his face.

I can’t believe he wants this with me. We can’t have it. Not now. It sucks, but that’s how it is. We both feel it. We can both ignore that feeling but then what’ll happen? I’m not sure. I don’t want to find out.

Just part of me does.

“She doesn’t feel like my baby,” I tell him. “You’ll get to do for someone else what you and the missionaries did for me.”

“I’m glad you said that because right now, I’m trying really hard to remember why this is so important.” He uses both our hands to wipe his face, unwilling to let my hand
s
go.

“It’s that important.” I need him to know how important it is. I’m getting good at doing the right
thing, even when
it tears
me apart.

“So we’re not allowed to say how much we miss each other and we’re not allowed to plan what we’ll do when I come back, okay?”

I nod.

“It’ll make us both crazy.” He’s slowly inching closer. “You live your life li
ke I don’t exist, except for
writing me, and I’ll be a missionary like I don’t have the most precious
girl in the world at home
.” His chin quivers as he tries to hold in his tears.

I
don’t have words. It’s so much
. He puts his hands on either side of my face and kisses me again.
We’re both soaking
up
as much of the other, and each moment feels a little more desperate than the last.

“See you soon.”
His arms come around me, pulling us together, pressing my belly against him.
I tighten my arms around his neck and wish beyond anything I’ve ever wished for before that I
don’t
have to let him go.

I don’t want to do the rest of this alone. But I will. I know I will.

“See you soon.” I breathe out.

I close my eyes as he walks away
, and my door shuts behind him
. That’s something I can’t bring myself to watch. I don’t want that to be the last picture of Michael. I want to remember how his eyes looked into mine.

I keep in my tears until
I know he’s close to the gate, and
let myself cry. I’m here alone tonight. I can cry all I want to. The thought is comforting.

“It’s you and me now little girl,” I whisper as I rub my tummy gently.

I scoot down further in my bed and let the tears flow.