My Forever (20 page)

“Night.” I stand up and walk out of the room without giving anyone a second glance. Maybe I’m hiding again
,
but it feels like my safest option right now.
             

13

I know my parents will be here tonight.
Graduation.
I haven’t seen them since I left.
When I
finally spot Daniel,
I quickly leave my
group for him.

“Where are Mom and Dad?” I ask as I grab his arm.

“I don’t know Dani, but don’t go running after them, it’ll cause a scene.” His eyes look briefly down to mine before he walks away. Daniel’s rejection almost hurts worse than theirs. I knew how they’d feel. Daniel’s reaction still feels unexpected.

The ceremony is a blur. I stand and walk and sit like I’m supposed to. When it’s my turn to cross the stage I hope my robe covers my belly more than I feel like it does. I stand with my new group of friends and nod slightly when they pat my back in congratulations. It’s another moment I should be in the middle of, but I’m hovering around the edges, on the fringe, hoping to see family.

Finally I spot my parents
walking with my four younger siblings. I pull away from my group and shove my way through the crowd,
trying to keep a glimpse
.

“Mom! Dad!” I call as I push through the doors to outside.

“Dani!” Hannah yells. She breaks free and runs toward me, throwing her arms around my waist.

“Hannah.”
I miss her more than I thought possible.
It feels so good to have her ten-year old arms around me again.

Mom stops and looks back at me. Dad whispers something in her ear, which makes her turn from me, taking the twins with her toward the car. They both look over their shoulders as Mom leads them away. I swallow as Dad walks toward me. I’m shaking, his face is contorted into the same mask of anger he had the night he told me to leave his house.

His voice is harsh. “Hannah. Follow your mother to the car.”

She understands his tone at once, lets go of me
,
and chases after Mom.

“Dad, I…” I start to say.

“I know you joined the
ir church.
I don’t want to—
”

“What about forgiveness, Dad?” I plead. I’d take almost anything over this second rejection. Anything.

“Don’t you
dare
lecture me!
”
Everything about him is hard, his voice, his face, his stance. “Let’s try for honor thy father and mother,
then
we’ll talk forgiveness.” He shoves his hands in his pockets, turns and walks away.

It
’
s worse being rejected the second time,
and
I didn’t think that was possible. I’m weak. His initial anger was understandable. They’d been surprised
,
and I’d kept it from them for a long time. This anger runs deeper. Will I ever be part of my family again? And now I’m standing out here, alone, aside from the baby that will be mine f
or another four months. Then it
’ll go away too. What will that feel like?

Dad climbing into his car is the final blow. The last
bits of hope for reconciliation leaves
as he pulls out. There are a million reasons I don’t want to cry right now, but none of them matter as the first sob hits me
,
and tears start to run down my face. Parents and students begin to leave the building heading fo
r their cars and
parties.
I feel arms around me from the side. I lean my head toward the warmth and Michael pulls me into him.

“I’m so sorry,” he says.

“I’m okay.” The words come out but just barely. I’m completely and totally not okay.

“Nobody would be okay.”

I turn my body toward him and put my arms around him. It feels so good to be held like this. Moving will be necessary at some point
,
but I’m not looking forward to it. It’s like I have this safe
place
in his arms. Nothing can touch me here, and even if it could, it wouldn’t matter.

Collette puts her arm around my shoulder. “Come on, let’s head home.”

I don’t want to let go of Michael, to not have his arms around me, but then I understand. I’m holding on to her son. Not as much my friend, as her son. I’m suddenly self-conscious about everything. My belly against Michael, the personal moment he’d rescued me from, even the fact that I’m living at their house. I let Colette lead me away.

“Mom?” Michael walks up next to us. “I got it. You can drive.” He hands her the keys.

She slides her arms off my shoulders as Michael’s arm returns. I don’t want to know what her face looks
like right now. She’s not happy, but I can’t bring myself to care.

Michael
scoots over to sit in the middle seat
in the back
, even though there’s no room for his legs there. “Come here.” He opens his arms up, and I let myself be taken in by him again. No m
atter how temporary it might be—
there’s no better place.

~
~
~

“Okay.” Collette puts her hands on her hips
as she stares down at me, Michael, Tracy, April and John
. “I have an excellent radar for inappropriate behavior. That, and since I sleep in the loft, I can hear everything.” She points to each one of us.

“Understood, Sister Mason.” John gives her a salute.

She gives us all one more warning look before walking up the stairs to her room. We sprawl out
all over the whole living room—
blankets, pillows and
cushions
everywhere. I stare at the TV screen
,
but it’s late and I’m tired. I lie down, pull up my blankets
,
and try to go to sleep. It doesn’t take long.

I wake up s
tiff and uncomfortable.
T
he light from the DVD player is the only thing
allowing me to see. When I roll over,
my growing tummy bumps Michael in the
back. He turns
toward me and our eyes catch. I can’t breathe.

“Sorry,” I whisper.

He doesn’t say anything. We’re still staring at one another. He leans forward just slightly until our
fore heads are almost touching. His eyes close. My heart beats fast and hard. O
ur faces move slightly closer together again
, and
I’m just waiting to feel his lips on mine.  I close my eyes in anticipation. The relief knowing I’m not the only one feeling this way is immense.

His fingertips stroke my cheek, sending waves through me.

“I’m sorry.” He sits up.

I feel like I’ve been dr
opped. I don’t say anything, and am
afraid to look at him.
I’m such an idiot.

He takes a few deep breaths
and the awkward silence pushes between us
. “You know I leave in a few months,” he whispers quietly.

I know this. I’ve watched him fill out paperwork for his mission and heard the excitement in the voices of him, his sister
,
and his mother. I don’t move. I want for him to not care. I want him to lie next to me, put his arms around me
,
and let me fall asleep there. This is what I want
,
and it’s impossible.

“Goodnight, Dani,” he whispers. He reaches back, picks up his pillow and heads for his room.

“Goodnight.” I whisper back, but he’s already gone.

I heave my growing body up and go to my room.
With no Michael, there’s no point
to staying on the floor.

I sit up in bed with my hands on my little round stomach. Then I feel it. The most distinct little jab at my insides. My breath catches. I look down. It’s not just a growing stomach anymore. It’s a person.
A teeny, tiny, little
person
.

“Wow. Is that you in there?” I whisper to my belly. “That was quite a kick for a teeny little thing.” I smile. My heart and chest flutters at the excitement and the magic of this simple moment.
This
is what it feels like to be pregnant. This is one of the small joys I’ll get to have in this experience. I won’t be alone for a while. Even though I know this littler person inside me is temporary, right now, and for the first time, it’s kind of nice.

“We need to sleep little baby and figure out what on earth we’re going to do.” I lie down on my side smiling about my pregnancy for the first time since the beginning.

15

After a week of packing up the house, we’re on the airplane. We split up in Seattle. I’m part sad and part relieved to not be around Tracy and Michael’s mother.

Michael and I head out to the curb to wait for his dad
,
and Tracy and Collette
leave for
Utah.

Michael has yet to indicate that anything passed between us
on graduation night
. Right now I’m too nervous to settle into another house and another life to care. The sun is shining and it’s hot.
Really hot.
Hot like Alaska never gets hot.

I keep closing my eyes and tilting my face toward the sky.
I’m so far loving
my first few minutes in Seattle. Michael doesn’t have much with him. His father will be buying him a work/mission wardrobe soon after our
arrival. I too have very little. I
t’s everything I own.
Kind of sucks that it all fits into one
small
suitcase.