My Forever (40 page)

He wants to look like he doesn’t care
,
but he does. He cares about everything. He stops coming toward me when our faces are inches apart. I smile at him again. This whole evening is full of smiles.

“You are such a gorgeous creature, Danielle.” He rests his hand on my neck. His thumb traces my jaw and grazes across my cheek. He touches with a confidence that I’ve never felt before and the tingles in the pit of my stomach have moved lower. He moves his face in and pauses. He doesn’t hesitate out of shyness. He hesitates out of anticipation. I feel his warm breath on my face and my lips part, just slightly, waiting for him to make the next move.

When he kisses me it’s like nothing I’ve experienced. He knows he’s going to get his way. He knows how to move his mouth, his hands. He’s not some shy kid. My body’s floating
,
and he feels so good that I slide my hands around to his lower back and pull his hips toward mine.

He chuckles once.
“I knew there was a bad girl in there somewhere.”

I freeze. What am I doing? I feel all fuzzy. I pull back and look at him. “You let me drink, didn’t you? Even though I said I didn’t want to?”

“It’s two little drinks, Dani. Don’t worry about it.”

He leans forward and takes my lips with his again. It feels so good to be touched like this, wanted like this. I’m almost swept up, but push him away.

“Find a new assistant.” I don’t think it comes out the sharp way I want it to. I stumble once as he pulls away. I
think
he pulls away. Maybe I push him. I’m disoriented but find my way out of his apartment and back to the party. I have to find Jackie. It’s so confusing.

I finally give up and yell.
“Jackie! I’m heading to the door!” The people around me look at me funny, but I just wave in return. Jackie’s there before me.

“You disappeared.” She looks at me accusingly.

“We need to get out of here.”

“You drank.” She puts her hands on her hips.

“Thank you, Sherlock.” I’m not in the mood for obvious statements right now. “He said there was no alcohol.”

“Well… B
ut can’t you taste it?” She seems impatient.

The elevator arrives and we climb on. “No
,
I can’t taste it! I don’t know what I’m tasting for!” I cross my arms but as soon as the elevator moves, I need my hands for balance. What kind of horrible person am I?

We’re quiet on the ride home. What a disaster. I feel icky. Justin yesterday, Hank today and Michael’s still in my thoughts as much as he always is. I feel nauseous, not because of the alcohol
,
but because I know I shouldn’t drink.  If I didn’t
know
I was drinking, does it still count? I’m scared to talk to the bishop. I’m sure I need to.

~
~
~

Dear Danielle,

I’m past halfway point! Can you believe this! I can’t believe it. We’re still doing more service than anything else
,
but I feel like I’m in the groove. My new companion is fresh out of the MTC. It makes me realize how long I’ve been here and how fast the time will go by until I’m home again.

I know I said we shouldn’t do this but I miss you, Dani. I think back to my last night there. It was the best night of my life. I was so upset at myself for not starting that sooner.
W
e could have had a whole summer.
T
hough
,
I’m sure I wouldn’t have been able to leave you. I haven’t heard from you in a while. Please let me know what’s going on. I’m always curious about you and the fact that you and Jackie are best buddies. I miss you so much. I can’t wait to see you again. Wish I
was
there,

Love,

Elder Mason

~
~
~

Grr
. Michael! What is he trying to do to me! I’m mad. I want to send him a seething letter back to tell him that I’m trying to get on with my life but things keeping popping back up like HIM
,
and it all just sucks. To make things worse, Justin is on his way over after I begged him to do something simple instead of the big night I asked for. I’m not ready to put that dress on again.

My eyes flash back to the computer screen
,
and I’m irritated all over again. I pick up the computer and go to the living room where Jackie has a law text on her lap and the TV on to Tim Gunn.

“Look at what your brother is doing to me!” I set the computer on her book.

She reads through it. “And this is news, how?”

“Don’t you get it?” I’m almost yelling. “We had a
deal
! No talking about missing and no talking about when we’re together. Just live and do!”

“Dani?” She hands the computer back to me. “What is it with you and boys?”

“What are you talking about?” We’re not talking about me. We’re talking about Michael
,
and how he totally broke the rules.

“I mean you go from Lucas to Michael…”

“No, wait a minute. I didn’t just jump from Lucas to Michael.”

“Really?
How
much time after you and Lucas…
you know
.
Until you started hanging out with my brother?”

“It was
months
before he kissed me!”

“I’m not talking about kissing, just hanging out.”

“Not long.”
I start to feel uneasy.
Where is she going with this?

“And then Lucas shows up after Michael le
aves and you kiss him while he was here
, am I right?”

“
I
pushed him away. B
ut we already…
you know.
”

“Yes,” Jackie says dryly, “I know.”

“While you’re on the bus, on Lucas’ lap, you notice Justin.”

“Well, but Justin doesn’t come into the picture until way later.”

Jackie shrugs. “Last night…”

I’m feeling defensive now. “I swear I didn’t know there was alcohol
,
Jackie. I didn’t…”

“But you still kissed him
,
and you’re supposed to be dating Justin.”

“Well…” I don’t know what to say at this point. “What about
you
and boys?”

“There are none.” She looks down at her book.

“Exactly! Don’t you think you’re taking it a little too far in the opposite direction?”

She stops. “Boys are not meant to be trusted.” She takes a deep breath in and out. “What’s the relationship between you and your dad like?”

“Is that a joke?” I ask. “We don’t have one and thanks a lot for bringing it up!” I’m tense now and irritated.

“And before he kicked you out, how close were you?”

I shake my head. It also sucks. I soften a little then.

“What does my dad look like Dani? My real dad?”

“Um…” I have no idea. I’ve lived down here for more than a year
,
and I have no idea what her dad looks like. I’ve never seen him.

“Exactly.
Because he’s never around.
Why, oh why would you rely on something that isn’t supposed to be relied upon?” She stares at me. “Men are not to be relied upon Dani, and until I find one that I’m absolutely sur
e I can trust, I’m not doing it. A
ny of it.”
             

“But…
” I’m thinking of good examples.
I’m trying
to.
I want to. “Michael.”

“And he’ll probably make some girl a great husband some day. Maybe you.
Maybe someone else.
I don’t know. I just don’t see the point right now. I already have one man in my life that di
sappoints me on a regular basis.
I don’t need another one.”

“Fine.” I say. Justin’s on his way over and I don’t want to face him. “I have to tell Justin, don’t I?”

“Dani, don’t ask me questions to things you already know the answer to.”

I stand and look at Jackie for a few minutes. She’s picked up her textbook again.

“I miss Michael, Jackie. I miss him. I miss having someone around. That’s all. That’s my problem.”

“Okay,” she says.

I kind of want to scream. Of all the non-committal answers…

~
~
~

I meet Justin on the dock. We sit down on Jackie’s chairs. Her accusations hit me again.

“You don’t want to date me, Justin.” I stare at my lap.

He laughs. “And why would you say that?”

“Because I have too much back-story.”

“I don’t mind back-story.” He shakes his head.

“Some of its recent.” Ugh. That nauseous, I’m-a-horrible-person feeling is back again.

He looks at me. He wants an explanation. I don’t know what to do.

“Fine.” I don’t want to be in any more messy situations. He needs the truth. This sucks. “I think I’m in love with Jackie’s brother who’s on a mission. Even though I promised not to wait for him, he’s still kind of out there you know?”

“That’s okay.”

Crap, he really likes me. I feel worse.

“That’s not it.” I look down. “I went to my boss’s party last night and he gave me champagne only I didn’t know it was champagne
,
and I felt a little tipsy
,
and I kissed him. Well, actually he kissed me
,
but I didn’t stop him right away. I did walk out of the job though.”

“Oh.” Justin looks a little taken aback now. I might as well finish it off.