My Forever (24 page)

16

I now work at Pike Place Market. The bishop put in a good word for me
, and I got a job
. Tanya runs a fruit and vegetable stand for her sister and her sister’s husband who live out in Puyallup, a farming community not too far from the
city. I love it. The job is fun, even when it gets busy, and my days pass quickly. The bus has almost a direct route from the stop at Pike, to the stop near my house. I help her all day Saturdays and two half days during the week.

I love the smell of the fresh peaches and apples. I can
take as many
home
as I can eat, so I’ve been eating a lot of fresh fruit.
Cheap and delicious.

Her booth isn’t too far from the place that’s always throwing their fish over the countertops.
I get into the groove of being here because t
here’s always something to smell and see. I take my camera on more days than not.

On my short days I wander around downtown taking photos. There’s an arcade between
work
and home that has some of my favorites, but I can’t bring myself t
o be the pregnant teen playing
P
acman
.
Time’s passing too quickly, which means Michael’s about to leave, and this baby’s getting closer to being born.

~
~
~

I smile as I see Michael come up the dock. “Hey there!” I wave. “Jackie isn’t here.”

“Yeah, I know,” he says. “She’s at the law office today. I thought we could take off in the boat together. I got us sandwiches on my way here. We can have a picnic.”

My heart pounds
at the thought of having some time with Michael where I’m not sharing him with Jackie or anyone else.

He holds my hand as I step into the boat. My balance isn’t very good because my belly is so huge. I feel enormous. On hot days like today I have to keep my feet up or my ankles swell. I’m in the last trimester now
,
and it isn’t a lot of fun. It’s like my whole body is large with ba
by, my hands, my feet,
my
face… N
othing about me feels petite anymore.

It’s hard to talk above the noise of the engine so we don’t try. Michael is great behind the wheel of the
small lake
boat
,
but I shouldn’t be surprised. H
e’s spent his summers here since I can remember. We stop and he cuts the e
ngine so w
e’re just free floating in the lake.

“Dinner?” he asks.

“Please.” I shuffle around, trying to get comfortable but it’s hard. “This belly
gets in the way of everything!”

“Well, you look beautiful.”

I’m stunned by his compliment. I don’t know what to say so I brush it off. “Oh
come on. Y
ou have to say that cause you’re one of the nice guys.”

“I’m starting to get nervous.” He digs his hand into a bag and hands me a sandwich.

“About what?”

“Leaving.” His eyes catch mine. “I’m going to Puerto Rico.”

“Wow! That’s amazing!”
And so far away.

“Yeah, but it makes it more real, you know?”

“I know.” I know exactly how real life-changing things feel. “Every time I go in for another doctor’s appointment or, well, try to move, I’m reminded of what I’m doing here and that there’s no stopping it. It’s moving forward whether I want it to or not. Like being on a train car you have no control over.”

He looks concerned. I’ve said too much. I look away and take another bite of my sandwich. He knows exactly what I like.
Olives with lettuce and dressing and maybe some other stuff on wheat bread.

“You’ve never said that. I’m worried about you.” He tilts his head to the side. I like it when he does that, like he’s really taking me in. He doesn’t move
,
and I start to get self-conscious. Oh wait. It’s my turn to talk.

“It is what it is. I’m okay.” I nod. “I’d feel better if I knew who the parents are going to be.”

“I bet.” He looks down for a mo
ment
before resting his gaze on me
. “You’
re the bravest person I know, Dani.”

“No way.” I shake my head. “I’m scared of everything.”

“Brave people are scared too
, they just do the right thing—
like you.”

I don’t feel like I deserve the praise
,
but I love it coming from Michael anyway.

“You do the right thing too,” I say. Michael is the best sort of man.

“Maybe.” He pauses. “But it’s a lot harder than I let on.”

I’m not exactly sure what he means by his comment. It feels off limits for me to ask. He looks at me very intently for a moment.

“
Quiero
decirte
te
quiero
.” It comes out before I can stop it.
I want to tell you I love you.

“That sounds beautiful. What did you say?”

“
Quiero
decirte
te
quiero
,” I say again, teasing. “You’ll learn Spanish and then you’ll know what I said.”
My Spanish isn’t great,
just passable,
so I’m hoping I got it right.

“That seems completely unfair.” He chuckles. “But I like to hear you speak Spanish. I wasn’t sure if you did.”

“I’m not fluent
. My mom left Mexico in Mexico…
except for the food.”

We sit quiet in the boat for a few moments.
“Well, we should take off.” Michael stands up. “I don’t know if I can find my way back in the dark.” He starts the boat and we head home.

It seems abrupt, and like I’m suddenly not sure why he came.
Why do we keep having these nice relaxed moments followed by separation? And what will it
be
like to let him go for real?

~
~
~

The final bits of summer pass too quickly in sounds of Pike Market, fish throwing, delightful peach smell and dinner with Michael’s parents.

We’re eating dinner
now
, but it’s quiet
. Michael leaves tomorrow. I feel sick. I can’t eat. I have nothing to say. I’ve leaned on him too much. I know this. We haven’t been alone since he took me out on the boat
a week ago
,
but it’s still going to be awful to let him go.

I bring my camera. They’re all so good looking that I can’t wait to see how the pictures turn out. But it’s all part of saying goodbye. The overly chipper
chit-chat
after dinner. Posing for pictures on the porch.
All of it.
It makes me sick again.

“I just want to crash here.” Jackie whines at the end of our night. “I don’t want to drive all the way home.”

“What about Dani?” Her mom asks.

“Dani can just stay here
,
too.” She looks over at me smiling.

“Yeah, it’s no big deal. Jackie doesn’t need
to go home just because of me. I
f it’s okay that I’m here.” I feel like there’s no way to make sure no one is inconvenienced. Part of me wants to stay but that same part of me realizes that just means that I’ll say goodbye to Michael tonight and then again in the morning. I want to spare myself the torture. I want my bed.

“I’ll take you home.” Michael stands up.

“But your family…” I protest.

“They’re driving me all the way to the MTC
in Utah
. We’ll get a chance to be together. Let’s go.” He gestures toward the door.

He reaches down to help me off the couch. His hands clasp both of mine firmly but gently
,
as he lifts me to standing. Only four more weeks to go,
and
I can’t imagine this belly four weeks bigger than it already is. I’m really starting to panic over parents. I just don’t want to make the wrong decision.

“Thank you for inviting me.” I smile briefly at his family.

“Y
ou’re welcome here anytime, Dani. D
on’t make yourself a stranger just because Michael’s gone, okay?” Heidi waves.

“Okay, thanks. I don’t think Jackie would let me get away with that anyway.” I try to fold my arms in front of me but my large tummy is in the way, and everything feels awkward.

Michael opens the car door for me to help me get inside. We’re alone.

“So, still having a hard time deciding on parents?” Michael asks as we head down the road.

“Yeah.
I keep expecting someone to jump out at me, to see a picture and just know
,
but it hasn’t happened yet.”

“It will.”

“I hope so.” I put my hands on my belly. “I know she’s not mine
,
but I can’t imagine parting with her unless I’m sure.”

He reaches over and takes my hand in his. It’s been a long time since he’s done that. The warmth of his hand slowly spreads up my arm, through my chest and then continues to disperse through my body. I feel my hand squeeze his, just slightly.

I lay my head back on the headrest and close my eyes
, and
pretend for just a minute
. I pretend
I’m not having a baby
,
and that he’s not leaving
,
and that we’re out together
,
and he’s holding my hand for a reason other than just trying to comfort me. Just as the feeling wa
shes over me, little girl kicks. H
ard. I suck in a breath.

“Are you okay?” He
tenses next to me
.