Your Heart to Keep: Holly and Jax (25 page)

It was forty-five minutes before I simmered enough to breathe so that I wasn’t heaving. I wasn’t sure how to go about my next confession so I didn’t overthink it, I just let the words come as I walked back to where Chloe lay.

“There’s something I have to tell you too. I’ve met the girl who has your heart. Her name is Holly and she’s also blind. You saved her life. I was so fucking angry at first but as I got to know her, I realized that she was an honest to god nice person. I still dislike that she’s so nice because it means that I can’t keep hating her. I actually like her, a lot. You’d like her too, I know it. Please don’t be mad at me. She’ll never replace you Babe. Ever. She different to you so there’s no comparison.”

Should I tell her that I’d messed things up with Holly or did she already know? Spirits could see and hear everything, right? If that were the case, I wondered why I’d just spilled my guts to Chloe when she probably already knew. Surprisingly, I needed to do this. To let out what had been stewing inside.

“I messed things up, big time and I don’t know what to do. I was hoping that maybe you could give her a little push in the right direction so that she will forgive me. I know it’s a big ask but it would make me so happy. You want that for me. I know you do.”

The leaves on the trees had been still when I arrived. They now rustled furiously. It was almost unnatural like something was passing through. It came out of nowhere, blew across the cemetery, with the word ‘Always’ a breathless chant that whipped past my ear. What the fuck? I scrambled to my feet, turning in a full circle to scour the vicinity for the source of the voice. I was as alone as I had been when I arrived an hour earlier.

I decided it was time to leave. Whatever that was, I didn’t like being alone in a graveyard with it. Dead leaves had scattered across Chloe’s gravesite so I cleared them away and then hopped on my bike. Taking one last look at where she lay, I kicked up some dirt with the tires and barreled out of there. I knew I wouldn’t be in a hurry to return unless I had company.

Chapter Thirty Eight

Holly

Wednesday morning I was up at the crack of dawn sitting on my bed, nerves frayed. I wanted this to be the last transplant I ever needed to undergo. It wasn’t as stressful as the heart one because I didn’t have as much to lose. Well, nothing really because if it failed, I would stay the way I was now with ten percent vision.

Mom was taking me to the hospital for day surgery at 7:15am. It was only 5am. I’d had a rocky night, tossing backwards and forwards, not only contemplating the corneal transplant but I’d been thinking a lot about Jax. I missed him. Maybe I’d been a little harsh and should have at least spent the night in the hotel room when it had cost him so much. We hadn’t even eaten!

I knew that Chloe wasn’t a threat to me and that he was still healing so I should have been a little more understanding.

It would have been nice to have him with me after surgery today but I wasn’t going to call him just for that. It would seem a little odd when we hadn’t spoken in a week and a half. I’d get today over with and see how it all went before I made any decisions regarding Jax.

There was no point going back to bed so I went into the kitchen and put a pot of coffee on. I was quite proficient around the house, considering. Everything had its regular place to make it easier.

Breakfast would not be happening because my stomach was knotted. It would be coffee or nothing.

Dad and Ty couldn’t be here for me but that was okay. I’d spent time with them on my 21st and it’s not like I was staying the night in the hospital. I’d be home this afternoon. It better work because this was my last ditch effort at seeing. A second failure would be a sign that it wasn’t meant to be. I’d get over it and move on, coping as I always had.

“Good morning, darling. You’re up early.”

“Couldn’t sleep.”
“Mmmm. It’s been on my mind too. You’ll be fine, Honey. I’ve got a good feeling about it.”

“I hope you’re right, Mom. I just want it over with.”

“Have you heard from Jax?” I knew my parents liked him, even if he was rough around the edges. He was a friend of Micah’s and in their eyes that made him okay. They’d seen how happy I’d been in his company and wanted to see me like that again.

“He hasn’t tried calling and I don’t want to be the one to do it.”

“Surely you can still be friends.”

“Maybe. It will depend on how things go when we end up seeing each other again. It may be kind of awkward.”

“I saw the way he watched you, sweetie. It was the same way your father used to look at me.”

“He still looks at you that way, Mom.”

She giggled like a teen. I was happy for them after all these years. Dad being away so much seemed to work for them and had made them cherish the time they did get to spend together. I hoped I could find that.

“Well, getting back to Jax. I think you need to talk to him. He’s been through an awful lot, Holly.”

“I know he has and that’s why I feel bad for the way I reacted. Maybe I should have listened to him and given him the benefit of the doubt.”

“It will all work out," she said getting us both a coffee. “You’ll have plenty of time to smooth things over after today.”

First, I would have to pluck up the courage to call him.

***

I opted for local anesthesia rather than general. I preferred to be awake and have a quicker recovery time. The doctor would numb the area and then after surgery I would have to wear eye coverings for a few days and put drops in daily after that. I was going to be given some steroids this time, in order to help with rejection.

Mom and I said our goodbye’s which weren’t as emotional as when I’d had the heart transplant. She stayed in the waiting room while I disappeared with the nurse to pre-op and then theater.

When I was comfortable lying on the operating table I was given the local anesthetic and a light sedative to help me settle. My face was draped in surgical paper, a speculum inserted to keep the eye open and then the ophthalmologist added a lubricant to keep it moist. My left eye was being done first and then they would repeat the procedure on the right eye.

I tried to steady my breathing, hoping the sedative would take effect soon. It was very intimidating being awake in an operating theater even if I couldn’t see. I could still hear the medical staff talking and preparing instruments etc.

After the surgeon was satisfied that my eye was numb, he began work. I could feel the procedure but there was no pain. It was a weird sensation.

A few minutes later I began to feel the effects of the sedative which slowed my heart rate down. My body relaxed and I began to feel sleepy. I must have dozed off because the next thing I knew, I was in recovery and a nurse was at my side, telling me it was all over. Everything was black due to the coverings taped over my eyes. Time would tell as to whether it was a success or not. At least it was over.

Chapter Thirty Nine

Jax

Pushing myself harder than I ever had at the gym, I couldn’t stop thinking of Holly. Today was her corneal transplant. Micah had been keeping me informed and updated but I wish I’d been with her for moral support. Instead I’d pulled apart a motor in the shop and then rode to do my workout which I had started doing again as of yesterday.

Visiting Chloe’s grave had shifted something within me. Acknowledgment and acceptance that she was really gone. It was okay to have a meltdown every once in a while and I wasn’t going to apologize for it. It had eased the pressure inside me. I was lighter. Freer.

I’d give it some more time before contacting Holly. That would let her get over her surgery and give me more time to get my shit back in order.

If I was going to have any chance whatsoever with her I needed to make sure I never mentioned Chloe’s name again unless it was during passing conversation. Never during sex. That’s not to say I would ever get the opportunity to have sex with her again. At the moment we weren’t even friends.

I’d jacked off in the shower more than once since we’d been together, trying to re-create the feeling of filling her all the way. Balls deep in glory. Even the notion of it now was enough to stir my cock but I did not want a boner at the gym. Trouble was, now that I was at half-mast, it was hard to get it soft again.

I wondered if I could ever be what Holly needed. Ever be good enough. I wanted to be. I was tired of being and doing the wrong thing. I wanted to be someone she could be proud of.

Her folks were cool and seemed to like me. I hadn’t had much to do with her brother, other than a few pleasantries at Holly’s party but he seemed okay with me too. Just maybe, they would all forgive me after my screw-up.

My muscles were screaming at me to stop but after a week off and alcohol intake, I needed to keep pushing through the pain. Today I was going all out and doing a whole body workout. I planned on cooling down with a swim. Then I was going to call Micah and see how Holly was. He and Leah had probably already visited her. I was desperate for an update.

I hoped to God the transplant worked and she’d be able to see again. I really wanted that for her. She deserved it after living in darkness for so long. Even if she hated me forever, I’d still want that for her.

“Hey, bro! Good to have you back.” Micah pulled me from my thoughts causing me to stop the bench press and acknowledge him. I sat up. Just the person I wanted to see.

“I was going to call you later. Did you visit Holly?”
“Yep. She’s home, resting. The doc thinks it all went well. They just have to wait now. She’ll be bandaged up for a little bit but hopefully when they get removed, there will be some improvement. Apparently it can take months for the cornea to fully heal.”

At least it was over for her and she was home. Relief had me sag my shoulders. “Thanks, man. Good to know.”

“You know, you can stop being so damn stubborn and just call her.”

“I’m not being stubborn! I want to give her some space. I’ve needed to work through the mess in my head; which is why Holly and I aren’t speaking, anyway.”

“How’s that working out for you?”

“Surprisingly okay. I rode up to Sterling and visited Chloe’s grave.”
Micah looked stunned. “You did? Wow! I thought nothing could ever get you back there.”
“Me either but that’s where the road took me last Sunday.”
“You okay?”
“Getting there.”

“Well, I’m proud of you buddy. I mean that. When I found you Saturday morning I thought you were going to fall over the edge but you’ve proven me wrong.”
“Yeah well, I just hope I can get through to Holly, that’s all.”

“She asked about you today.”
“Really? What did she say?” Hope blossomed in my chest as I found myself eager for Micah’s response as I wiped some sweat from my forehead with my towel.

“She asked if I’d seen you.”

“Oh. That’s it?”

“That’s it. At least she was thinking about you.”
“I guess.” Micah was right. For her to have asked the question, I must have been on her mind. That was a small consolation.

“Anyway, I’m about to start my workout so I’ll see you soon.”
“Bye, man.”

Holly had asked about me. Did that mean she was feeling as lousy about everything that had happened, as I was? Maybe I would call her. Or maybe I’d bite the bullet and go pay her a visit.

Chapter Forty

Holly

It was great to be home. Micah and Leah had called in briefly to bring flowers and see how I was. A part of me had hoped that Jax would be with them.

When he hadn’t been, I’d felt more than a little disappointed. As time wore on, my anger dissipated and was replaced with regret.

I should have handled things better. Up until the point where he cried out Chloe’s name, the evening had been the best of my life.

Even though the sex had been hard and fast for my first time, I’d loved every second of it. Suffice it to say, I’d been extremely sore the next day but that was irrelevant. The pain had been worth it.

He’d been so passionate that night. I’d felt a deep connection, greater than the physical one. Something unexplainable, yet real.

He’d smelled of succulent male with a dash of sweat. His rich voice when it was close to my ear could do me in with one word. And as for that tongue stud! That was the sexiest thing ever!

Goosebumps littered my skin as I remembered the sensation of it between my legs, adding pressure to the spot I’d needed it the most.

Did I really want to give up all that? To deny myself the chance to really feel? I wasn’t so sure I did, any more.

If only he would just call. I longed to hear his voice. I guess what I really wanted was to hear him apologize again so I could offer my own justification at why I’d reacted the way I had.

After all, I was new to relationship issues and how to handle them. What Jax and I had, couldn’t exactly be called a relationship, could it? Did friendship count? Friends didn’t have sex though so I wasn’t sure. Ugh! It was all too hard.

Lying on my bed with no light penetrating my bandages at all, I let myself drift off, praying silently that Jax would call.

***

One week after surgery, mom held my hand as we both sat in Dr. Simon’s office, anxiously waiting for him to finish removing the bandages. I was officially over complete darkness and wanted them off.

When I felt the last length of gauze unwind from around my head and the soft fabric pads removed, I held my breath. My eyes were still closed.

“Okay, Holly. When you open your eyes, do so slowly. The light will seem very bright while they adjust. Are you ready?”

One hand was squeezing the edge of the chair and my legs were shuddering. Nodding slowly, I felt my mother’s grip crush my other hand, just as nervous as I was.

Very gingerly I opened my eyes and had to shut them again due to the bright light. I waited a moment and then opened them again to a hazy film over both.

“It’s normal for them to be quite blurry at first. You won’t have full vision for quite a while but just let them adapt for a minute and tell me what you see.”

Both eyes were watering and I imagined them to be bright red from the surgery. I had dissolvable stitches in both. They felt a little scratchy because of that but as I sat and let the light flood in, I gulped as clearer shapes began to emerge. Colors as well.

My mother had on a bright blue floral dress with pretty white flowers. My head lifted to her face and my hand flew to my mouth.

“Mom?”

“Yes, sweetie?” Her voice was sharp with anticipation.

“I can see you!” It was far from perfect but for the first time since I’d been small, I could actually see my mother’s face and features. Her brown eyes, gleamed with tears as she began to cry. Her hair was cut short and styled, the brown of it not dissimilar to my own. More wrinkles than I remembered but she was still pretty.

I spun to the doctor and looked at him. He was grinning happily too. “I’m guessing your vision is better than before, already?”

“Yes! I can determine what things are! That book on your desk is black with writing on the front. You have a coffee cup sitting off to the right and your computer is in front. You’re wearing a white shirt, black tie and matching black pants. Your hair is thinning and fair.”
He laughed at that. “Well, I must say, this is fantastic! I think it’s safe to say that you are going to get all of your sight back in time. Congratulations! I’d like to see you in a month to check your progress.”

We both thanked him immensely and then left the office. I was so excited! My mom grabbed me when we exited the building and pulled me into a fierce hug.

“My God, Holly! Isn’t this incredible? It worked! It worked!”

We jumped up and down, ecstatic at the outcome so early on. My sight would only continue to improve.

I looked around me and wondered at the surroundings which were slightly fuzzy but way better than before. The sky was blue. The grass was green. Cars were parked everywhere. People in both drab and bright clothing entered and exited the specialist offices we had just come from.

Eying a purple flower in the garden bed, I couldn’t help but amble over slowly and stoop to pick it up. Holding it to my nose, I relished in not only the scent of it but the beauty of the vibrant color.

I couldn’t wipe the smile from my face and the sudden burst of joy consuming me.

My mother was laughing and crying at the same time and I was close to joining her as my emotions ran high.

Life around me was most definitely brighter and clearer. It was a miracle! I wanted to see more. So much more!

“Let’s go for a drive and see some stuff,” urged my mother.

I was happy to oblige. We were like two fifteen year olds, practically skipping to the car. This was the defining moment in my life. The crossover between dark and light.

All else was forgotten as I discovered the city I lived in and had never seen. I didn’t care if things weren’t as clear as they should be. I could see. The world had come to life right before my eyes and nothing could compare. Nothing!

We drove to all the places I’d wanted to see. The park. My favorite café. Work! The hotel where I’d almost spent the night with Jax. The list was endless and there wasn’t enough hours in the day. But now I would have forever. It was like being reborn.

“Mom, I want to see the house.” My home. I would get to see it for the first time. I was beyond excited.

I wound the window down in the car feeling the cold air infuse me with a new sense of wonder. The passing building and trees I could see. Before everything had been blurred together, nothing concrete, just shapes. Now the passing streetscape was defined and I knew what everything was.

My jaw ached from the oversized grin on my face. I hadn’t stopped smiling since the bandages had first come off and I didn’t think I’d stop for a while to come.

The familiar drive home now took on more meaning as we turned corners I had memorized, seeing what I had never seen before. Neighbors houses and cars. Such simple things for most, yet incredulous for me. A cherished gift.

As we turned onto our street and approached what I knew to be our house, tears filled the corners of my eyes. Tears of joy, not sadness. I peered at the brown-roofed low set dwelling with its white automatic garage door that we barely used, matching brown bricks and concrete pathway leading from the mailbox to the wooden front door. A home that had held my deepest fears, secrets and desires within its walls. My safe haven where I hadn’t been Holly the blind girl but merely Holly the daughter and sister.

Rolling to a stop in the driveway, we took our seat belts off. “Welcome home, darling!” Squealed my mother, clapping her hands like a four year old on Christmas morning.

This was better than any Christmas present I could ever receive.

I got out and didn’t need help for the first time. I didn’t need to count my steps to the front door. I could do it on my own.

Taking everything in, from the quaint garden beds filled with flowers that would bloom in the spring, to the neatly manicured lawn edges that my father had painstakingly perfected before he’d departed after my birthday, I thought it was the prettiest house I’d ever seen but then maybe I was a little biased.

“Is it what you thought it would be?” Mom asked.

“Oh no. It’s way better than I imagined. It’s so neat. I didn’t realize you and Dad were so fussy with the appearance!”

“Hahaha. Well, we like to have the place looking respectable. I hope you like the inside just as much.”

I could barely contain myself as Mom opened the front door and I walked in after her, stopping in the middle of the lounge room to drink it all in.

“Mom! This is amazing! It’s so different from what I had pictured in my head.”

The walls had been painted in warm earthy tones with a darker feature wall behind the television. The sofa was dark brown with light beige cushions and Mom had placed various contrasting colored décor throughout making it look like a show home.

I was impressed! It was gorgeous.

“Come on. Let’s go to your bedroom.”

I followed her down the hallway, gazing at the family photo’s lining the walls like a shrine. One in particular caught my eye. Tyson’s high school graduation photo! My brother! He was so handsome! I stopped and stared at it, having to move quite close to see the detail but I could see my brother! I had longed to see what he looked like. And my dad! He was in a family portrait beside it. My kind, loving father was handsome in his own right, his brown eyes smiling, hair slightly greying. And then I saw myself, sitting right beside dad in the photo. I certainly had changed. Longer hair, older looking. There was a hint of the girl I had been but even the shape of my face seemed to have taken on sharper angles. I remember the photo being taken last year.

The tears came rapidly now, hindering my sight as my mother’s arm came around my shoulders. I could hear her own sniffles.

“We’re all so good looking!” I laughed through the sobs and mom did too.

When my eyes cleared and I stopped blubbering I would look at the photos again but for now I wanted to see my room.

Pushing open the door, I drew in a short breath. The color scheme was not what I expected. A rich plum painted wall featured against my bed, the other three painted white. The thick comforter and matching pillow case were in red tones. Timber venetian blinds, open to let in natural light gave the room an exotic feel.  A desk against the wall on the right hand side with my computer and personal stuff was tidy and uncluttered along with a book case holding many braille books.

Mom was standing expectantly beside me, quiet, waiting on me to comment.

Not a thing was out of place as it had always been so that I could find everything I needed. Turning to mom, I hugged her. “I love you so much. Thank you. My room is awesome!”

She laughed and if I didn’t know better, she sounded relieved. “Now that your sight is so much better, you’ll be able to keep it tidy yourself.”

I thought about that and decided that even when my vision was perfect, I doubted I would be able to keep it as spotless as it was now. It didn’t look lived in.

“Ah, mom, that may not happen. As much as I love how tidy it is, it’s not normal.”

“I guess we’ll just have to keep your door shut like we used to with your brother.”

At the mention of Ty, I wanted to continue on with my tour, especially his room. I needed to feel like he was close by and see some of his personal stuff and on the way there I was going to stop off at the bathroom so I could look at myself in the mirror.

***

Later that evening after dinner was eaten and the kitchen was cleared away, mom and I sat in the lounge room, watching television. My eyes were feeling tired after the workout they’d had during the day. I had put two lots of eye drops in and was lying on the sofa with my head propped up on the armrest when there was a knock at the door.

A knock that I instantly recognized. I squealed, and got up, racing to open it. Swinging it open, I was met with two beaming faces. Faces I’d never seen but loved all the same. Micah and Leah.

I was alight with glee as I looked backwards and forwards between both of them, loving the looks on their faces as I met both their eyes.

Leah was beautiful and Micah was…well…tall, muscly and so good looking!

“Hi, beautiful!” Micah crooned as he took one step into me and picked me up off the ground.

I was giddy with happiness to see my two friends. Micah put me down and Leah had me in a powerful embrace, talking a million miles an hour, yet staring at me.

“You can see us! I knew it! I told you it would be a success, Micah! I told you.”

“Okay! Okay! I guess I owe you dinner and a movie.” Micah was laughing.

There was so much excitement. My mother had risen off the chair and was over amongst it all, not wanting to miss out.

“You both look, incredible!” I screamed, my glance going back to Micah. “And look at your tattoos! They’re fantastic!”

He pulled up his sleeve further to let me see more of his ink before hugging me again. “Can you really see?” He asked, needing convincing.

“So much better than I could. It’s not perfect by any means but everything is clearer. I can make everything out. I can see your faces!”

“This is so mind-blowing, Hols. How was it when you saw for the first time today?”

“It’s like nothing I can describe. How can you explain seeing your mother for the first time in years, or your brother and father’s photo’s on the walls? Or my own reflection? Places I’ve driven past hundreds of times without ever seeing. It’s quite overwhelming.”