Your Heart to Keep: Holly and Jax (24 page)

Chapter Thirty Six

Holly

The next week had me existing on auto-pilot. Something had been snuffed out inside me. A light that had been Jaxon Reynolds.

I wished I’d never heard of the name. It had brought me the most incredible joy and the most intense pain. My new heart had been stabbed with a knife and I wasn’t sure how it would recover. There was a constant ache radiating out through my ribcage, up my neck and down my left arm.

I didn’t let on to my parents because I knew it had nothing to do with my physical heart but everything to do with my emotional one. I was breaking.

After Jax had dropped me back home that eventful night, I had snuck to my room and cried myself to sleep. I had experienced such a myriad of emotions in the space of a few hours that I’d struggled to keep up with it all.

I rose the next morning like the zombie I felt and trudged into the kitchen to make a strong coffee.

Tyson was already there, pouring himself a cup. “Holly! What are you doing here? Aren’t you meant to be at a swanky hotel?”

Tears threatened again but didn’t come. I was all cried out. “Jax brought me home last night?”

Immediately Tyson went on the defense. “What happened?”

“I asked him to bring me home.”
“Did he do something to you?” His voice had deepened and taken on a very protective, brotherly edge.

“No! Not like that.”

“I’m asking again. What happened?”

“He called me Chloe.”

“Ahhh, shit. That’s gotta hurt.” He moved closer and wrapped his comfortable arms around me like he always used to, giving me much needed solace. “Did he explain why?”

“I didn’t really give him a chance to. I was pretty pissed. He said something about not meaning to and it just slipped out.”

“Damn. That is a sure fire way to destroy anything between a guy and a girl.”

“I want him to like me for who I am. Sometimes I feel like he only got to know me because I carried something in me that belonged to him.”

“Wait. Don’t you mean Chloe?”

“Technically yes but he explained to me ages ago that he owned her heart. I guess he still does.”

“Maybe the guy just needs some more time.”

“I don’t know. I can’t help but feel that he’ll never be totally over her, ya know?”

“Hmmm, well I don’t really know but I can offer you one thing.” He walked away and I heard the freezer opening and then a drawer, followed by the clanging of cutlery. Placing a spoon in my hand, he led me to the table and sat me down.

“What’s that?”

“Ice cream. It fixes everything.”
I had to chuckle at that. Trust Ty to come to my rescue. It was only a temporary fix but I was grateful he had come home even though I’d only have him for a few more hours.

***

Now that I was sitting at my desk after another half-hearted attempt at teaching my students this week, I rested my head in my hands, a migraine threatening to incapacitate me.

“Hey! You okay, Holly?” Leah asked, concerned.

I told her all about what had happened and she listened and offered me sympathy, trying to get me to see that maybe I needed to talk to Jax and that it had probably all been a slip of the tongue on his part.

The thing was, it was way more than a slip of the tongue to me. It told me that her name had rolled off his lips because he’d been thinking about her while he’d been embedded deeply inside me. That hurt. More than I would have thought.

I’m sure if I had rattled off some random guy’s name while I was amidst a mind-blowing orgasm, Jax would have reacted the same, if not much worse.

I hoped he was getting some help. Therapy. I really felt he needed it to help him get past the accident. The guilt was stopping him from moving forward and until that happened, I knew we couldn't be anything other than friends.

“I’m so tired. Lack of sleep will do that to you, I suppose.”

“Have you heard from him?”

“No. Even if he did contact me, I don’t think I could talk to him yet.”

Leah dragged over a chair and sat. “Look. I’m not taking sides by any means but at least when he cried out another girl’s name it wasn’t someone he was seeing behind your back or a wife you didn’t know about. It was his dead girlfriend.”
“That doesn’t make it any easier.”

“No, it doesn’t. I guess what I’m trying to say is, yes, he obviously does need help getting over her but at the end of the day, he obviously feels a connection to her through you. Through your heart that is in actual fact, Chloe’s. Jesus, that is so hard even for me to get my head around. I can’t begin to imagine what you both have been going through.”

I knew what she was saying and I guess there was some consolation that I didn’t have to compete with a living woman. I just had to compete with a dead one.

“Why don’t you go home and rest? It’s Friday. I’ll call you tomorrow and see if you’re up for doing anything. Shopping. Coffee. Something to take your mind off him.”

“I think I will leave now. Take some Advil and crash for a while. Thanks Leah.”

“No probs!  Just look after yourself.”

After packing up, I called Mom to come and get me and waited outside in the cool air.

“Hi Mom. I’ve finished work. Can you come and get me?”

“Oh Holly! I’m so glad you called. I can’t wait to tell you the good news. I just got off the phone with Dr. Simons. The eye bank has two corneas for you. Surgery is booked for next Wednesday.”

“Say that again?” My spine was erect, breathing labored.

My mom repeated what she’d just said but I could barely take it in. My brain was already on overload. This news was trying to squeeze through the heavy sludge that was living in my head.

“Holly?”

“Yeah. Sorry. Wow! Okay. That’s good, isn’t it?” I tried to sound excited but the truth was I didn’t know how I felt about the transplant now. Jax had played a part in my decision. With what happened, maybe it would be easier to stay in darkness.

“It’s fantastic! I’m leaving now so we’ll talk when I get there.”
“See you soon.”

Placing my head in my hands again, I massaged my scalp with my fingers to try and ease the tension that was mounting in my skull from emotional overload.

Just a week ago I would have been over the moon at the opportunity to see again. Now, that excitement had dwindled and all I felt was indifference.

I’d coped quite well thus far with all that life had thrown at me. That is until Jaxon Reynolds entered my life. Nothing had been the same since. Did I really want all this drama? Why couldn’t my relationship with him be normal? I guess that’s because nothing about any of this was normal.

When mom pulled up and called out from the open window, I used my cane and made my way to where she always parked.

Her enthusiasm far outweighed mine. “Hi Holly! How do you feel? Are you excited? This could be it! This could change everything! I’m so happy for you!”

“Thanks Mom.” My voice was flat so she picked up on it straight away.

“What’s up? I thought you’d be thrilled with the news.”

“It’s good. I just wonder if I’m doing the right thing now, going ahead with it.”

We’d only just pulled out from the curb but I lurched forward in my seat as the brakes were slammed on. “What?! You can’t be serious? Where’s this coming from? I thought it was what you wanted?”

“It was.”

I could virtually hear the moment her brain discovered my sudden change of heart.

“Is this because of Jax?”

“I don’t know any more, Mom. I just don’t know. I hadn’t really thought about pushing for another corneal transplant until he started taking an interest in me and now that I know it was all because of Chloe and her heart, I feel like I’ve been robbed of his authentic feelings. I’m thinking my life would be better if it just went back to the way it was before I ever met him.

“Oh Holly. Don’t make this decision based on a guy. You have to do this for yourself. It will open up a whole new world for you regardless of who you are seeing. You can travel and see the world. Watch movies and go looking at pretty clothes. There’s so much to experience.”

I knew she was right. Even without Jax, there were things I wanted to do and places I wanted to visit. To live like a normal person.

Mom accelerated again when another car stopped behind us and its horn beeped. “Have you stopped going to the gym?”

“I just need some time. I don’t want to run into Jax yet.”

“You don’t want to leave it too long before you go back or you’ll have to start all over again.”

“I’ll wait until after surgery I think. It’ll give me a little more time.”

The indicator sounded and then we were turning left before the car came to a rolling stop. We were home. Time for coffee, dinner and bed. It’s all I could manage.

Chapter Thirty Seven

Jax

“Get up man!” Micah was yelling way too loudly and why was he shaking me so hard?

“Fuck off, asshole!” I rolled over, tugging my arm free from his hand, wanting to fall back into oblivion so I could shut out my friend and the rest of the world while I kept wallowing. I knew it was wishful thinking though.

The room filled with light as the curtains were pulled open and even with my eyes shut there was too much damn light.

“No way. You haven’t been answering your cell. You haven’t been at the gym. And why does this room reek of alcohol? Are you drunk?”

His voice was like a jackhammer inside my skull and I just wanted it to stop. “Keep your voice down! I had a few drinks last night, that’s all. Is that a crime?” My words were slurred and my throat was dry. Not to mention that I knew if I opened my eyes, the room would be spinning. Already it felt like my bed was rocking like a boat. “Leave me alone!”

The worst thing I’d ever done was give Micah a key to my house. I really didn’t need him coming in and finding me like this. I knew I’d screwed up by picking up a bottle of Jack Daniels last night after work but fuck everyone! My week had sucked big time and all I wanted was to forget about everything for a few hours. Was that so bad? It wasn’t like I was going to go on a week-long bender or anything like I used to.

Shit. I hadn’t felt this ill in a long time. My sober body wasn’t used to a whole bottle of the good stuff. I wouldn’t be able to touch another drop of alcohol even if I wanted to.

“I’m not going anywhere until you get your sorry ass up, take a shower and then talk to me. I’ve already spoken to Holly because she hasn’t been at the gym all week either. She told me her version and now I want to hear yours.”

Couldn’t he understand plain English? I wanted him to leave. If Holly had already told him what happened then he knew how much I had ruined everything.

“I’ve got nothing to say to you. I just want you to go.” I felt too ill to try and raise my voice at him so it was spoken in a scratchy monotone drawl.

The sheets were ripped from under me, baring my shirtless body to the cold of the room.

“Jesus Micah! What the hell are you doing?” I sat up my eyes opening and then closing again due to the light blaring in from outside. Everything was moving and I could even feel myself swaying so I collapsed and curled up into a ball.

“Ah man, don’t make me pick you up and carry you into the shower. You weigh more than you used to.” He sat on the edge of the bed. “Look. It’s six o'clock in the evening. You obviously passed out and have been sleeping all day. I have forfeited my own workout to come and make sure you are okay. I can clearly see you’re not so let me help.”
Good old Micah. He was always there for me through thick and thin. I hated letting him down.

“If I talk to you will you leave me be?”

“Absolutely! I have a hot date with Leah tonight anyway so I can’t stay too long.”

“You’re seeing Holly’s friend? I thought she was just a hook-up at your party.”

“She’s nice. We’re not exactly seeing each other but I asked her out and she said yes, so we’re having dinner at 8pm which means you need to get moving!”

“Fine. Go put some coffee on while I take a shower.”

I sat up and swung my legs around and over the edge of the bed to try and let my head settle for a minute before I stood up and staggered into the bathroom.

I didn’t bother even looking in the mirror because I was afraid of what would be staring back, so I stripped and turned the shower faucets on full and hot. My stomach revolted as I stood under the spray and I had to fight the urge to throw up. Now I understood why I didn’t drink any more. Feeling like this was the absolute pits.

Nothing in my life seemed to be working. Each thing had compounded on top of the other. My father. Chloe. Holly. I really did feel like I was drowning. Living some kind of bad karma for whatever reason, I couldn’t fathom. I thought things had been picking up for me. Holly had made me smile again. Made me laugh and feel as if maybe I had a shot at something good again. That maybe I deserved to be happy. But my own stupidity had seen that shot to pieces. Now I had nothing.

Banging my head against the wall of the shower, I hoped I could knock some sense into myself. What was wrong with me? I wasn’t that much of an asshole, was I? I knew I was rough around the edges and didn’t deserve anyone as sweet as Holly but why did I always have to end up back in this same dark, fucked up place?

“You still alive in there?” Micah’s voice sounded through the door causing me to cease banging my head. If my skull had been painful before, it was virtually unbearable now.

“I’m coming. Keep your shirt on.”

“Coffee’s getting cold.” He sounded like an old woman.

“Yes Dear! Thanks Dear!” I bit out sarcastically, stepping onto the mat and drying off.

I pulled out a couple of Tylenol from the cupboard and downed them with a glass of water to help shake the migraine.

When I thought I could walk steadily I met Micah in the kitchen.

“Feel better?”

“No.”

“Oookay. Well how about you sit and spill.”

Did I really have to do this? Talking about shit was hard for me especially when I was so overloaded with stuff that I couldn’t sort into anything sane.

Micah handed me my mug and I took a swig, enjoying the strong kick. “I really don’t know what to say. I ruined it with Holly. I cried out Chloe’s name when I was pumping hard into her and that was that. She came. I came and I’ve been feeling like a bastard ever since.” At least I could tell it to Micah straight without having to sugar coat anything.

I saw his eyes widen slightly at my crass version of events and then his face took on a determined look. “You did totally screw up. I’m not going to sit here and defend you or lie to you. It was a shitty thing to say even if you didn’t mean it. It really hurt Holly and because I love her and respect her I think she deserves to be pissed at you. But, I also love you too Brother and I know that you care for her. Since you’ve been spending time together, you’ve changed. It’s almost like having the old Jax back. I reckon if you give her some more time, she’ll understand. I know she has feelings for you. You both just need to work through this.”

Wise Micah was talking now. He should be studying psychology and not business. “I’m sure she hates me.”

“She doesn’t hate you. I don’t think she could hate anyone. She’s just upset right now but she’ll come around.”

I wasn’t so sure. I rose from the chair and poured a large glass of water, chugging it down and then returning to finish my coffee. “Why is everything so goddam shitty for me dude?”

“You’ve been through some heavy stuff. More than most people. You gotta go easy on yourself. Things are gonna happen during the healing phase of all this. Some bad. Some good. You have to accept it for what it is. You’re still grieving. I think you’ve handled it all like a trooper. Better than I would have.”

People always said that though, didn’t they? To make others feel better. I didn’t think I had handled Chloe’s death well at all. Far from it.

“You going to be okay? Do I have to check your house for a secret stash of Jack Daniels?” Micah asked, teasingly, getting up like he was ready to go.

The last thing I needed was more alcohol. Maybe I’d cook up something to eat. It might give me some energy. My healthy eating this week had taken a severe nosedive. In fact I’d skipped more meals of late than I ever had.

“Nah. I drank all I had last night. I’ll probably go back to bed and sleep it off and then go for a ride tomorrow. Clear my head.”

Giving me a knuckle bump he headed for the door. I walked with him.

“Have fun on your date tonight.”

“I plan to. Who knows if things work out with you and Hols maybe we can double.” He wiggled both eyebrows at me.

“Don’t count on it.” I slanted him a glance, holding the door open, watching him walk down the path to his truck.

He threw me a wave over his shoulder without turning around. “I’ll see you at the gym Monday.”
“If you’re lucky,” I fired back, closing the door and walking back to the kitchen to organize some food.

***

The next morning when I awoke I was feeling slightly better. And so I should. I’d slept for around thirty six hours in total.

After showering and eating a healthy breakfast I saddled up and hit the road. The temperature was cool but the skies were clear with little or no wind. Perfect day for riding.

I wasn’t sure where I was going, just that I needed to go. The last time I’d gone for a ride, Holly had been pressed up against me. I noticed her absence today. I’d noticed her absence all week. My fingers had been on my cell ready to call her so many times to apologize again but I hadn’t wanted her rebuttal, even though I should have taken it because I deserved it.

I didn’t want to go to Golden. It would only remind me of what I had lost so I made my way to the I-76 leading out of Denver. It was still early so I could cover a fair distance before I’d have to return.

Once I was on the straight, open road my thoughts began to drift to just over a week ago. God, I had loved every second of being inside Holly. Touching her milky soft skin and hearing her come undone the way she had, not holding anything back. I’d wanted her so badly. I’d planned on adoring her body a second time with a slower more focused pace but that had never happened. She deserved nothing less than to be cherished and treated like a queen. She was like no one I’d ever come across. Her strength as a person far outweighed mine. It’s funny how we’d nearly come full circle. I hadn’t been very nice to her to begin with and now I was the one seeking forgiveness and she was the one that didn’t want anything to do with me.

Opening the throttle a little I noticed I’d driven right past the scene of the accident and hadn’t even realized. I’d been too focused on thoughts of Holly. What did that mean? Did it mean that I was moving forward any? The last time I’d passed the site I’d nearly lost my shit and now I hadn’t even been aware of it.

Maybe that was a sign of what I needed to do today. Where I needed to go. The more I mulled it over in my brain, the clearer it became.

Without stopping, I rode, nervous as all hell but with a determination to get some sort of closure.

When the turnoff for Sterling finally emerged, I veered off needing to call in to a store and make a purchase before arriving at my destination.

***

Half an hour later after taking extra care with my purchase I pulled into Riverside Cemetery and drove to Chloe’s grave site.

A tremor cascaded through me at the eeriness of such a depressing place. The monuments standing proud and on guard advertised the death that lay beneath.

It didn’t take long to reach her grave. It still looked fresh, beside the large oak tree that offered some shade from the sun, even if it was weak at this time of year.

My throat thickened as I got off my bike and removed my helmet. I felt peculiar and out of my body at seeing her name engraved into the marble stone. That was my Chloe. Her remains lay in a pile underneath me. A coffin of bones that had only weeks ago been in a body full of life and spirit.

I placed the large bunch of white roses down beside some fresh lilies that had probably been brought by Mr. and Mrs. McQuade.

Running my fingers over the marble I thought that maybe by touching it, I could be closer to her.

“Baby, I’m so sorry. It breaks me to stand here looking at your damn headstone. Seeing your name carved so fancy onto some expensive rock, makes it all real. I love you so much. I’ve been dying inside. You don’t know what it’s been like.”

My voice began to crack as I sat. “I miss you like crazy and if I could have done anything to stop that accident, I would have. I’d even have traded places with you just so you could live again. You didn’t deserve this. We had so much planned together.”

Unexpected, yet warranted tears fell. I could sense her around me. “I should have come to visit you sooner, but I just couldn’t do it. I’m struggling now. None of this is fair.”

I put my head down between my knees and cried. Hard. I coughed every so often when the sobbing got too much as I punched the ground again and again. Stomach acid rose and singed my throat causing me to retch numerous times. Never had I felt so vulnerable.

Grief shattered me, while I wept openly, my body quaking.  It was more than I’d ever cried and because I was alone in the cemetery, I let it all out. Everything. An avalanche of tears, picking up speed and intensity until I was empty and spent.

After the sorrow came anger. So much of it was boiling inside, festering until the meltdown held me in its clutches. “Why the fuck did you have to go and die on me? Huh? Why? I begged you to hold on in the car but you didn’t do it! You should have been stronger! You should have fought harder! For me! You stole everything from me that day! You took my soul. Jesus! I am so angry at you. You didn’t try hard enough to stay with me! Not just for me. For your family. It killed me to see them at your funeral. Broken. I don’t think they’ll ever be the same again. None of us will.

I knew I shouldn’t be hollering in a cemetery but I was so furious. I rose and kicked the headstone multiple times not feeling it through the steel caps in my boots and then I walked away for a bit, breathing hard, letting loose one almighty roar that would probably be heard for miles.