Wishes and Tears (3 page)

 

Janet got off the bus and looked at the paper to confirm she was at the right address. The red-brick building with tiny windows looked old and run-down, almost prison-like. The house was set back from the road behind tall trees. Her mother had told her it was run by nuns. Janet sighed. So that meant more sermons and prayers. She would have liked to have been able to run far away, but she didn't have much money and where would she go? Aunt Rose wouldn't want her, not if that meant a confrontation with Janet's father. They had never seen eye to eye, as Rose wasn't religious. Janet picked up her suitcase, walked along the gravel path and up the six stone steps, then rang the bell.

‘Miss Slater,' repeated the sister who opened the door and asked who she was. ‘Yes, we are expecting you. Follow me.' She glided, in the way that nuns seemed to have, along the dark passage. In contrast Janet's shoes were echoing on the tiled floor.

They stopped at the second brown-painted door.

‘I'm Sister Verity and this is my office, and if at any time you wish to talk to me you must feel free to do so. Now take off your hat and coat and take a seat. We have to fill in a few forms. Just routine, you understand.'

Janet did as she was told. She was asked all the usual questions: name, date of birth, her father's occupation.

Sister Verity, a tall thin-faced woman, with pointed features and piercing brown eyes, looked up quickly when Janet told her. ‘This must have come as a great shock to your parents?'

Janet only bowed her head.

Sister Verity continued writing. ‘Now I must have the child's father's full name.'

‘Why?'

‘So that it can be on the birth certificate.'

Janet sat and stared at her blankly. How could she say she didn't know it? It made her sound as if she was ... ‘Mark Samuel,' she said quickly.

‘Does he know?'

Janet shook her head.

‘I see.' When the sister had finished writing she sat back and closed the file. ‘The evening meal will be in a short while, then after prayers you will be examined by our doctor. I will get Miss Long to show you to the room you will be sharing with her. She is in the day room at the moment.'

Janet noted the emphasis was on the Miss.

They moved out of the office and back along the passage. Sister Verity pushed open a door to reveal about ten girls in various stages of pregnancy, sitting in armchairs. Many were knitting, but some were talking or reading.

‘Miss Long, will you take care of Miss Slater? She will be sharing your room.'

A thin short girl, who didn't look as if she had a baby hiding under her voluminous smock, stood up. She appeared to be about the same age as Janet, and had short dark hair and dancing brown eyes. She came over and a broad smile lit up her face. ‘Sure. Come on, follow me.'

The sister moved away as they left the room and climbed the stairs.

‘We're in here.' She pushed open the door. ‘It ain't bad, a bloody sight better than the one I had at home.'

Janet stood in the doorway of the sparsely furnished room. The narrow window was open and the thin beige-coloured curtains moved gently. There were just two single beds, a dressing table, and a cupboard built in the fire recess; the fireplace had been boarded up.

‘It's a bit cold in here.' Miss Long hugged herself and moved to pull the sash window down. ‘The nuns always open the windows, reckon we need the fresh air. I like my air warm and full of smoke. Thank goodness we only sleep here so it ain't that bad. What's your name?'

‘Janet.'

‘Mine's Freda. When's it due?'

‘March.'

‘Blimey, your family got rid of you quick enough, didn't they?'

Janet didn't answer, but instead asked, ‘When's your baby due?'

‘January. I ain't that big.' Freda patted her stomach affectionately. ‘Can't say I wanner have him adopted, though, but I ain't got a lot of choice. Me stepdad threw me out.'

Janet was warming to this girl. ‘How do you know it's a boy?'

Freda laughed. ‘Did the test with a wedding ring - well, it was a brass one really. You hold it over your belly and if it goes this way it's a boy.' She moved her hands round clockwise. ‘And if it goes the other way it's a girl. Well, I think that's the right way.'

Janet liked Freda. She seemed honest and happy.

‘We'll have to do you. What d'you want?'

‘It doesn't really matter, does it? We can't keep them.'

‘No, that's true. Right, tea's in about half an hour so let me give you a hand with your unpacking.'

Despite all the apprehension she had had about coming here, Janet felt that she had found a friend.

‘This is nice,' said Freda as she hung Janet's skirt on a hanger. ‘Looks like you've got some nice things.'

‘They won't fit me for very long.'

‘Don't worry about that. The sisters will soon have you knitting and sewing so you can make yourself a new skirt. Can you knit?'

Janet nodded. ‘But I'm not very good at sewing.' She put her nightdress under the pillow and hung her dressing gown on the hook behind the door. ‘What's it like here?'

‘It ain't bad, I suppose—bit like a prison really, not that I've been inside, but we can't do what we like and they're forever telling us we should be grateful that they're looking after us after what we done. And we do have a lot of prayers, mostly about him up there forgiving us for what we did.' She raised her eyes to the ceiling. ‘Fallen women, that's what we are.' She laughed.

‘Who was here?' asked Janet as she sat on the bed to test the springs.

‘Maisie. Nice kid. Think she had a boy. We don't come back after we leave the hospital and so if you ain't got your mate's address you can't keep in touch.'

The dinner gong reverberated round the room.

‘Come on, follow me.' Freda was out of the door.

The meal of beans on toast wasn't very exciting but it was adequate.

After tea and prayers Janet was shown into the doctor's room.

The doctor was a short, round balding man with bright blue eyes. ‘Right, take your knickers off and get up on the bed.' He had cold stubby fingers that prodded and probed at Janet's very private parts. She felt humiliated and dirty. The doctor she had seen at Horsham had been kinder and apologized if he thought he was hurting her, but Dr Winter appeared to take a fiendish delight in making her jump.

‘Get dressed, young lady. Everything seems to be in order,' he said, moving towards the sink and washing his hands. ‘I will examine you every week, take your blood pressure and generally keep my eye on you. If at any time you feel unwell or have a show of blood you must report it at once.' He dried his hands and sat at his desk and began writing. ‘That's all, you can go now.'

Janet stood outside the door for a few moments. If only Sam knew what he was putting her through would he have stood by her? She didn't think he would. Besides, how many other little Sams were there? One evening, just a few minutes, that's all it took and she hadn't even enjoyed it that much. Now this was the result. She moved towards the day room. She didn't think he would be concerned at her plight, and after all she could have made it clearer she meant it when she said no.

‘So you've met our Dr Winter then,' said Freda later that evening as they were getting undressed ready for bed. ‘He's got bloody cold hands, ain't he? I'm sure he runs ‘em under the cold tap just to make us squirm. Winter be name and Winter be nature.' Freda laughed.

Janet took her diary from her handbag and began writing.

‘What you doing?'

‘Just writing in my diary.'

‘Do you do it every day?'

‘No, only when I've got something important to write about.'

‘Oh, I see.'

When they were in bed Freda told Janet lights out was at nine thirty, and woe betide any one who was caught with their light on after that.

‘It's the bloody great gap under the door that gives the game away,' said Freda. ‘And those nuns creep about like the Lord Jesus Christ himself. Sometimes they frighten the life out of you when they speak and you don't know they're there.'

‘What do they do to you if you get caught?' asked Janet anxiously.

‘Well, you spend most of the day on your knees praying and after that it's in the kitchen cleaning the pots and pans.'

Janet grinned. It was worse than school. She settled down under the blankets and felt strange knowing, after all her apprehension since the day her mother had received the letter, that she could be happy here.

They talked for quite a while in low whispers.

Janet heard how Freda had met Mick and had fallen in love with him. It was when she found she was having his baby that he told her he was married.

‘So then me stepdad threw me out.'

‘But what about your mother?'

‘Me mum? She couldn't wait to get rid of me. She didn't want another mouth to feed. ‘Sides, she thought I was a bad influence on the others.'

‘You've got brothers and sisters?'

‘I should say so. Two brothers and three sisters that were me dad's. He died a long while ago. Then I've got another three sisters—they're me stepdad's. I'm the oldest.'

‘That must be quite a houseful?'

‘You could say that. In some ways I'm glad I've got this little ‘en to love, even if it is only for a few weeks.'

Janet was astounded. She sat up. ‘You mean they let us keep them for a few weeks?'

‘Sometimes, but only while we're in the hospital. It depends if they've got a family waiting or not to adopt, and they don't like putting 'em on a bottle straight away.'

Janet was grateful she was sharing with Freda. Freda had picked up a lot during her weeks at the home, and Janet knew she had so much to learn.

They talked long into the night. Janet told her all about Sam and her parents.

‘Christ, I bet that upset 'em.'

‘It did. My father has been really awful about it.'

‘Yer, but he must have done it at some time to have got you.'

‘But they were married.'

“Ere, perhaps you're the result of an immaculate conception.'

Janet put her hand over her mouth and giggled quietly. She suddenly realized she hadn't laughed for a very long time.

Freda told her there were twelve expectant mothers in the home and every day after breakfast and prayers they all had chores to do. Then it was breathing and exercises. The afternoon was for resting and relaxing, then after tea they could stay in the day room for a few hours until bedtime.

When they finally said their good nights, Janet turned over, and for the first time in months went to sleep with a smile on her face.

For the first few days Janet watched and waited to be told what to do. At the beginning she just had to help out, but towards the end of the week Doreen, another mother-to-be, started labour and was whisked off to the hospital. Doreen's job was to vacuum and dust the day room, so now that became Janet's. Freda was proving to be a good friend and helped her whenever she got behind.

On Sunday morning after breakfast they were to go to church. This was the first time Janet had been outside. The nuns didn't approve of the girls going out alone. Were they afraid they would run away? Where would they go? Every one of the girls said it was her parents that sent her there—out of sight, out of mind.

Janet slipped on her coat and looked out of the window. The wind was blowing the leaves off the trees, swirling them up then tossing them back down. She shivered. Her and Freda's room was at the front; she could hear the traffic but couldn't see beyond the high barrier of trees. At the back of the house was a small garden with a patchy lawn and a few bare straggly shrubs. It had a path that led to the washing line. They each had a set day to do their washing. Houses overlooked the back garden, and the girls only went out there when they had to, as some of the children from the houses sat on the wall and called them names. That upset Janet but Freda told her they didn't know what they were shouting out, it was only what their parents had told them to say.

Janet put her scarf round her neck, pulled her hat on and, gathering up her gloves, hurried down the stairs. She didn't want to be late.

‘Miss Slater, don't run. If you fall and injure that child some poor parents will be deprived,' Sister Verity called out.

Janet stood with her mouth open. There wasn't any worry about her falling, just as long as her baby was all right for someone else.

Freda grabbed Janet's arm and almost frogmarched her out of the door. ‘Just don't say a word,' she hissed out of the corner of her mouth.

They were at the back of the line with Sister Verity behind them as they were marched in pairs to the church. Janet felt so humiliated as people stood and stared, then whispered amongst themselves. In the church Sister James, a short, round nun with pale blue eyes and a flushed face, ushered them into the two back pews.

As soon as the service was over and the large door opened, the girls were very quickly moved out and sent scurrying along the road. Nobody was allowed to speak to them.

‘This happens every Sunday,' said Freda. ‘Reckon we've got a sign on our heads saying “Unclean”. Treated like lepers, we are. Sometimes I feel like shouting out that what we've got ain't catching unless you're up to no good.' She laughed. ‘Come on, cheer up. You'll get used to it.'