Wishes and Tears (2 page)

Her father was still coughing and choking.

‘Janet, I hope this isn't some kind of a joke.'

‘No, Mother. It isn't a joke.'

‘But how do you know? When did this happen?'

Janet blushed.

‘Oh my God. How can you be sure? Have you seen a doctor?'

Janet nodded.

Her mother stood up. ‘You haven't been to see Doctor Lake, have you? It will be all over the village in no time if his receptionist gets to hear of this.'

‘I went to a doctor in Horsham last week.' That part had been easy, as she worked there.

‘And who's the father?' asked her mother.

‘Sam.'

‘Who's Sam? Is he local?'

‘No. He's a young man I met when I went to see the Coronation.'

‘But you're only sixteen.'

Her father wiped his face. ‘I can't believe this.' He stood up and threw his napkin on to the table. ‘I can't believe I am hearing this. Is this ... ?' He waved his arms with frustration. ‘You, my dear girl, are a disgrace.'

Janet felt the tears stinging her eyes.

‘Is this person going to do the right thing and marry you?'

Janet shrugged.

‘Does he know?' asked her mother.

She shook her head.

‘Where does he live?' asked her father.

‘I don't know.'

‘You don't know? My daughter! You're no better than a street woman. A whore.'

Irene Slater walked to the window. ‘Peter, please, your language.' She turned to Janet. ‘Young lady, we had better go into the drawing room. We have a lot to discuss.'

Janet swallowed hard and followed her mother, amazed at her calmness.

‘Sit down.'

Janet quickly did as her mother bid.

‘Now, how did this happen?'

Janet glanced at her father, who was standing in the doorway. ‘I was at a party and Sam was playing the piano, and I had a few drinks.'

‘Where was Rose while all this was going on?' asked the Reverend.

‘She was there.'

‘But she didn't stop you drinking and behaving like an alley cat.'

‘She didn't see me.'

‘I expect she was drunk as well,' he snorted.

‘Please, Peter.'

‘I would have thought your sister would have behaved more responsibly when she had our daughter under her roof.'

Irene Slater gave her husband a withering look, then asked Janet, ‘Does Derek know this young man?'

Janet shook her head.

‘You asked him?'

‘Yes. You see, I liked him and at the time I thought I wanted to see him again.'

Her father began pacing. ‘So you knew what you were doing with this ... this person then? What will my parishioners think? What are we going to do? We have been in this village for generations and this is the first time anyone has brought disgrace to our name.'

Janet hung her head in shame.

‘We have to talk about this,' said Irene Slater.

‘Talk? Is that all you've got to say about this ... this affair?'

‘I must have time to think. Janet, how could you? You have let me and your father down. We trusted you. Didn't you stop to consider the consequence of your selfish actions?'

Tears began to fill Janet's eyes. ‘I didn't think I could get pregnant.'

‘You have been very foolish. Of course you will have to go away,' said her mother. ‘You do understand, don't you? We can't have this kind of scandal in the family.'

‘What will you tell people?' Suddenly the awful repercussions of the situation began to hit Janet.

‘I don't know at the moment. I'll have to think. Perhaps we can tell them you have gone away to look after a relation who has been taken ill.'

‘Should send her to a leper colony,' said her father.

That brought forth a flood of tears from Janet. All these weeks of wondering and waiting for something to happen, and now it was all out in the open and her parents weren't behaving as she had hoped they would. Perhaps they were in shock.

‘Peter, that wasn't very Christian. Try to be a little understanding.'

‘I don't feel very Christian. Is this all the thanks we get for all we've done for you? You have been brought up well and in a Christian family and you go and flout the laws of common decency. I wash my hands of you.' Her father left the room.

Janet silently sobbed. Why were they rejecting her when she needed them most? Had she been so very naive to hope that at least her mother would stand by her?

‘Where will I go?'

‘Leave it to me,' said her mother. ‘I'll find out, discreetly, of course. Now I'd better clear the lunch away. Janet, are you capable of taking the Sunday school this afternoon?'

She shook her head.

‘In that case I'd better do it.'

Janet was hurt at her mother's coolness. She knew what she had done was wrong and knew it wasn't going to be easy for her parents to accept the situation, but she really hadn't thought her mother would be so matter-of-fact.

When her mother had left the room Janet sat and looked out of the window. What was going to happen to her? Her thoughts turned to Sam. She knew he wouldn't be concerned about her, and marriage would be out of the question. He had told her of how he wanted to go to America and be in films. When she'd shown interest at that he'd made it clear he wanted to go alone. A baby and a wife wouldn't fit into any of his plans, she realized. She had loved him at the time but as they'd talked after she'd given herself to him, which she now bitterly regretted, it had been clear to her he was only interested in himself and how talented he thought he was. She'd known then he was selfish.

She touched her stomach. What was going to happen to her baby? Well, six months from now she would have all the answers.

 

Fortunately, for the rest of the day her parents were busy and when they left for evening service, she went to her bedroom.

Before going to bed she wrote in her diary. Today had been another important day, but it hadn't turned out as she had expected. She wanted to be happy; she wanted her parents to share her baby, not the hurt and pain she felt. She knew what she'd done was wrong and now she had to face the consequences. She flicked through the pages of her diary. Most were empty: she only recorded important events and there hadn't been that many in her life.

She lay thinking about all that had been said. Her mind was churning over and over. Sleep wasn't going to come easily tonight. She heard her parents returning, then, a while later, her mother's footfall on the stairs.

‘Janet?' she was calling softly as she pushed open the bedroom door.

Janet pulled herself up to a sitting position and switched on the bedside light. She knew her eyes were red from crying.

Her mother came and sat on the bed. ‘You must forgive your father, but this has come as a great shock to us both. I'm sure when he's had time to think about it things won't be quite so bad.'

Janet knew her father was strict. Although she loved him they had never been that close. She rubbed the tears away from her cheeks. ‘Does that mean I might be able to stay here?'

‘No, I don't think that would be very wise.'

‘What about my baby?'

Irene Slater winced visibly. ‘You will have to have it adopted.'

‘But, but—'

‘Janet, you are only sixteen.'

‘I'll be seventeen by the time it's born,' sniffed Janet.

‘So how on earth do you think you could look after ... it.'

‘I hoped you'd be on my side.'

‘I am very sorry and angry at what has happened but I am the vicar's wife. I too have a duty to our parishioners and we can't have a scandal on our own doorstep when your father is preaching about sin.'

‘But what about me?'

Mrs Slater stood up. ‘You have been a very foolish girl, but the damage has been done now so we must make the best of it. This is a small village and people look up to us to set an example.'

‘But what about you, Mother? Do you want to send me away?'

She turned from her daughter's gaze and straightened a lace doily on the dressing table. ‘It isn't what I want that counts.' She came back to the bed. ‘Good night, dear.' She kissed Janet's forehead, then left.

Janet wanted her mother to hold her and tell her she had forgiven her, but it wasn't to be.

After her mother left she sat and stared at the door. What was going to happen to her? She hugged her knees and desperately wished with all her heart that she could turn the clock back. She wanted to win once more her mother's love and trust. Janet had been happy at home even if her father always appeared to be distant. Although her life had been humdrum, she hadn't known anything different, though in the past few months she had longed for excitement. She'd wanted to be loved like the women she had seen at the pictures, and mistakenly thought Sam could give her that. She would have gone to America with him if he had asked her. And now she was going to have his baby. She could give it plenty of love, she knew that. It was hers and she didn't want to give her baby away, but at sixteen what option did she have?

‘At last.' Irene Slater looked up from the letter she was reading. ‘It's from the home for unmarried mothers,' she said to her daughter.

Janet was pleased her father was at church conducting a funeral service.

‘The nuns will have a place for you,' continued her mother, smiling.

Janet didn't speak, she was so unhappy. For these past four weeks she had been miserable. Her father hadn't spoken to her and her mother had been very organizing in a detached way. Nobody had enquired as to how she felt, or asked her opinion. She wished she could turn the clock back. When Janet had tried to talk to her mother she'd seemed embarrassed. Janet wanted to share this baby with her, ask her advice, but her mother had made it very clear she didn't want to be involved.

‘I'm sorry, Janet, if I seem to be hard but we do have a standard to maintain,' she had said. ‘When this is all over you can pick up your life back here again and people will be none the wiser. So the less said about this matter the better.'

Now her mother's voice interrupted her thoughts.

‘Janet, did you hear what I said?'

She nodded. Did she want to pick up her life back here again? ‘Where is it—this home?' she asked.

‘In London.'

Janet felt happier at that. ‘Near Aunt Rose?' she asked eagerly.

‘No. And I must ask you not to write and tell her what has happened. I'll do that. The home is in South London, a place called Southwark.'

Aunt Rose lived north of the Thames.

‘When have I got to go?'

‘You said it was due in March, so you will have to go quite soon.'

‘Before Christmas?' asked Janet in alarm.

‘I'm afraid so.'

‘But I want to be here for Christmas.'

‘I'm very sorry, dear, but we can't have you waddling about the village. You are beginning to show a little now, and we don't want anyone suspecting.'

Janet felt unclean.

‘Have you told anyone at the office?'

Janet worked in an accounts department.

She shook her head.

‘That's good. You'll have to hand your notice in very soon - you can tell them you are looking after an aunt —and perhaps when this is all over you can apply to return.'

Janet was angry. Her mother didn't mind her telling lies if it served her purpose. She didn't want to go back to Blakes, she was the only junior in accounts and seemed to spend her life making tea and running errands. The grey-haired ladies and old men only smiled at her and conversed amongst themselves.

‘You can go at the end of the month. I'll help you pack. You'll travel by train.'

It was all so matter-of-fact. Her mother hadn't shown any feelings about her or her baby. This was going to be her grandchild.

‘Will you come to see me?'

‘We will try. But when you get there, there will be plenty of other girls in the same predicament as you and you should all get on very well together.'

So that was it. They were pushing her out of sight till it was all over. Would she be welcomed back like a prodigal daughter afterwards? She very much doubted it.

 

At the end of October Mrs Slater kissed her daughter goodbye as she boarded the bus to the station. Janet's father did not see her off.

On the train she sat looking out of the window. The last time she had gone to London was such a happy occasion, now this journey was the result of that moment in which she had thrown all her principles away. Why had she done it? She gave a slight smile. She knew why, it was because she wanted to feel grown up. When they went to the park and Sam kissed her long and hard she felt she was in heaven. He had been her Mr Wonderful. When he began to unbutton her blouse she became a little apprehensive. Sam told her not to worry. As he struggled to get her knickers off she had feebly said no.

‘Ain't you ever done it before?'

She remembered shaking her head and telling him she was worried about having a baby and he had just laughed.

‘It's me lucky night then, ain't it?' he'd whispered as he kissed and caressed her breasts. ‘You can trust me, darling. All the modern girls do it. ‘Sides, you can't get up the duff the first time.'

How wrong he had been. She hadn't really enjoyed him pushing inside her; it had hurt and it wasn't as if it had been as thrilling as she had been led to believe in some of the magazines she'd secretly read. Now she felt he had used her.