Wishes and Tears (26 page)

 

Janet, on her way to Danny's, drove round the corner to Paula's flat, singing and tapping the steering wheel in time to the music on the radio. She drew up behind a large grey car that was parked outside the block where Paula lived. Janet was going to drop a letter into her flat if she wasn't home. She just had to see her again.

But before she had chance to move, Paula came out smiling and laughing, looking up into the face of an older man. She didn't see Janet and they got into the car and drove away.

Was that the father of her baby? He was very good-looking. Was he going to marry her? There was so much she had yet to learn about Paula's life.

When they were out of sight Janet put the letter through Paula's letter box.

 

There hadn't been any flowers or gifts when Trevor walked in. Paula had wanted him to ask her how she felt, if she was well, but he only talked about himself. In the flat he was on about his job and the fact he had been sent away for a few weeks and he didn't like the hotel or the people he was dealing with.

She was laughing at him when they got into the car and as soon as they pulled away he began grumbling about the traffic. When they were seated in the restaurant he complained about the menu.

‘Doesn't anything please you these days?' Paula finally asked.

‘People and shoddy service certainly don't.'

‘I thought we were here to discuss you and Glenda.'

His head shot up from the menu. ‘No, my dear, not me and Glenda, that isn't the issue.'

‘But you said—'

‘Paula, I still love you,' he whispered. ‘And what I want to know is, are you still going ahead with this ... this baby thing?'

Paula felt hurt. It wasn't what she wanted him to say. ‘I thought you were going to tell Glenda about the baby?'

‘I was. But she was so upset about my being away that I didn't have the heart.'

‘But you've been away before.'

‘Yes, I know. We've had some lovely times together, you and I.'

‘Yes, we have.' She was getting cross with herself; she was weakening under his spell again.

He touched her hand and she felt a thrill. ‘And we can again,' he whispered.

‘So what was different about this time?' she asked quickly, pulling her hand away.

He looked embarrassed. ‘I met this girl. It was only a dinner date,' he added quickly. ‘She phoned Glenda and asked for me. She said she wanted to thank me for such a wonderful night.'

Paula's eyes were wide open. ‘You gave her your home phone number?'

‘She must have taken one of my personal cards from my pocket.'

‘Was that when you had your clothes off or on?'

‘Don't be bitchy.'

‘So what did Glenda have to say about that?'

‘She nearly went mad. Accused me of having an affair behind her back.'

‘But Glenda didn't mind about me?'

‘Well, darling. Not exactly.'

‘You told me Glenda knew about us.'

‘She did up to a point. That you accompanied me at the firm's dos and the like. I told her you were a friend of the boss's wife.'

‘I don't believe this. All this time you've been lying to me and your wife. You told me Glenda knew all about me.'

‘Be sensible. I couldn't really tell her about everything, could I? Besides, I owe it to Glenda. Now you've got this other problem.'

‘Like what?'

‘This baby thing. I don't want you making waves.'

‘Me, make waves?'

‘Shh, Paula, keep your voice down.'

‘Trevor, I am not going to get rid of my baby.' She sat back. Although she was hurt and tears were stinging her eyes, she smiled. ‘Shall I tell you why I'm going to have my baby?'

‘Is it to trap me into marrying you?'

She laughed. ‘What? I'm just beginning to find out what a selfish bastard you are. No, it's because I want someone to love, someone of my very own to love me with no strings attached. Very recently I have found out what it is to really love someone so much that you are prepared to give up your life for them.'

‘That was a very dramatic speech. Now, shall we order?'

‘I have discovered the real meaning of love. I was adopted when I was a baby and my real mother has spent twenty-five years of her life looking for me.'

‘Very touching.'

‘Now she's found me. That's love, true love.'

‘So you were adopted? I didn't know that.'

‘Never had any reason to tell you.'

‘And now this woman has told you you're her long-lost daughter and you believe her? What's she after?'

‘How callous can you get?'

‘Please, let's order.'

Paula stood up and threw her napkin on the table. ‘I'm going home to phone my mother.'

Trevor stood up. ‘Please, Paula, sit down, people are looking.'

‘I don't care. And don't try to get in touch with me again, will you?' Paula walked away. Her knees were shaking and she was having difficulty walking straight. What had she done? She knew now she would never see him again.

She glanced over her shoulder and was upset that he hadn't made any attempt to follow her.

Paula knew at that moment that she, her baby and her mother could be at the very beginning of a wonderful life together.

It was a bright June Monday morning and Janet went to work with a spring in her step. She'd had a lovely weekend with Danny, Tina and the children. The weather had been wonderful and she had spent many hours playing with the children in the swimming pool Danny had recently had installed. Danny and Tina were thrilled with her news about Paula, and said they wanted to meet her as soon as possible. The only cloud that Janet could see on her horizon was that Paula might not want her and could reject her completely.

Janet was thrilled but very surprised when Paula phoned that evening.

‘Hello. This is Paula. I got your letter.'

‘Paula, how lovely of you to phone.'

There was a silence as each waited for the other to speak.

Janet broke the silence: ‘Can I meet you?'

‘Of course.'

Janet was taken aback at the eagerness of the reply.

‘I did phone you at the weekend.'

‘I was at a friend's.'

‘I was wondering if you would like to come to my place?' Paula's voice was soft.

‘I' d love to. When?' Janet was having trouble trying to contain her excitement.

‘How about tonight?'

‘I can be there in about half an hour.'

‘I look forward to it.'

Janet wanted to jump in the air, she was happy beyond words. Her daughter was inviting her to her home. When she sat back she suddenly realized this might not be the kind of meeting she was expecting or wanted. What if Paula was going to tell her to stay away from her, stay out of her life. ‘No,' she said out loud. ‘She would have told me over the phone. And her voice sounded kind and friendly.'

But Janet's mind was full of doubts as well as hope as she drove to Paula's. As she walked up the stairs to Paula's flat her daughter was standing at the open door.

‘I saw you out of the window.'

‘This is very kind of you.' Janet was careful not to show her real feelings. She quickly glanced around at the expensive fittings and furniture. On the stack deck was a photograph of a young girl whom Janet guessed was Paula, with her mother. There was another of Sue and her family, but there weren't any of men. Everything in the flat was very tasteful. ‘This is very nice.'

‘Thank you. Please, sit down. Would you like coffee or a drink?'

Janet sat on the edge of the sofa. ‘Coffee would be fine. I've bought this for your baby.' Janet handed her the pram set. She emphasized the word
your.
‘I hope you like it. It's white.'

Paula was smiling. ‘Thank you. This is baby's first present.' She held it up. ‘It's lovely, thank you.'

‘Do you want a boy or girl?'

‘I don't mind, just as long as it's healthy. But a girl would be nice. And I think you would like that, wouldn't you?'

Janet felt the tears well up. She was being included. Her daughter wanted her to be here. She had trouble controlling her voice. ‘Yes, I would.'

‘I'll make the coffee.'

Janet followed Paula into the kitchen. ‘I must tell you I was worried that you wouldn't want me in you and your baby's life.'

Paula turned, and leaning against the worktop said, ‘Janet - do you mind if I call you Janet?'

Janet shook her head. She knew she would never be called Mum.

‘I didn't want you at first, but now ... When the coffee's ready I'll tell you about my life.' She smiled. ‘We certainly seem to have a lot in common.'

‘Oh, what's that?'

Paula laughed. ‘Our choice of fathers for our babies for one thing.'

Janet was careful not to probe.

They sat in the lounge and Paula brought out a photograph album. They laughed at the pictures and fashions as Paula told Janet about her adoptive parents.

Janet wanted to take the photographs and relish the childhood she'd missed out on. She knew Paula's mother had passed away and wanted to hit the father when she heard what he had said about her. ‘I'm so sorry. If only I'd known.'

Paula brushed that aside and went on to tell her about Trevor.

‘Did you love him?'

‘I thought so, but I knew right from the start he would never be mine completely.'

‘He doesn't sound the type to stay with a disabled wife.'

‘I think it's a way of saving him a fortune. If he left her she would probably demand everything he's got in the divorce settlement.'

Janet couldn't comment on that so she asked, ‘Will you be able to manage on your own?'

‘I should think so. I earn good money and over the years I've put a lot by, and when he or she starts school, with my estate agent's qualifications, I'll be able to go back part time.'

‘You are very sensible. If I can help you know I will.'

‘Janet, I must admit when you first came into my life I hated you, but now I would like us to be friends.'

‘So would I, and remember I'll always be here for you. I let you down once and I promise it will never happen again.' Janet wanted to hold her close and kiss her, but she knew she had to take everything at her daughter's pace.

 

Soon they were shopping, or eating out or in each other's homes. It was exciting sharing and exploring each other's lives and tastes. Paula was introduced to Freda, Charlie, Danny and Tina and their children; Janet met Sue's family. There was so much to see and do together and everything always seemed to be accompanied by plenty of laughter.

Paula was blooming. She was beginning to show but she felt happier than she had for years. Janet couldn't believe that after twenty-five years all the dreams she had ever wished for had finally come true.

‘Jan, what are we doing this weekend?' Paula called from her kitchen towards the end of a week in July.

‘I don't know. Did you have anything in mind?'

Paula walked in carrying a tray of iced lemonade. ‘I was wondering, as it's such lovely weather, would you mind very much if we went to see your parents?'

Janet was stunned. ‘Why?'

‘I just would like to, that's all. I want to see where you were brought up.'

Janet stood up and walked to the window. ‘I don't know. What if they reject me again? I couldn't bear that.'

Paula came up and put her arm through Janet's. ‘We could just go to the church. You said a lot of my ancestors are buried there.'

‘Yes, they are.'

‘Could we just go and look at the gravestones?'

‘Well yes, I suppose so.' Janet would have given her the top brick off the chimney if she'd asked for it.

‘I would like to find out more about my background. It's a pity you don't have any photographs of them.'

Janet knew photographs had come to mean a lot. She hadn't taken her album when she left home. These past weeks she had been pleased to have studied and had copies made of pictures of Paula when she was a little girl. It was her attempt to capture the childhood of the daughter she had been denied.

‘We don't have to go and see my grandparents, not if you don't want to.'

Janet smiled. ‘Yes
we will.
We'll go on Sunday. We can sneak in the back of the church when my father's taking the service and sneak out again before the end.' She laughed. ‘It's a bit like when me and Freda used to go to church with the nuns.'

‘The difference is that it's me that's expecting now.'

‘And I definitely won't send you away.'

 

On Sunday morning, Janet, who was driving, felt very apprehensive when they left the main road and were approaching Stowford. She hadn't been there for many years.

‘I know it's silly, but I'm really excited. Coming face to face with people whom I've never met, but who are part of my life.' Paula turned to face Janet. ‘I'm so pleased you found me.' She was like a child.

Janet was glad she was wearing sunglasses so that Paula couldn't see the tears in her eyes.

The sound of the church bells filled the air. Janet parked the car and surveyed the congregation slowly making their way inside the church.

‘We'll sit here for a while,' said Janet. Everything looked exactly the same. To her as she sat and watched, it was as if time had stood still.