Wishes and Tears (25 page)

As she walked away the phone rang. ‘Hello.'

‘Is that Mrs Slater? Mrs Janet Slater?' Paula's tone was sharp.

Janet held her breath. It was Paula. ‘Yes,' she whispered. She didn't bother to correct the Mrs.

‘My friend has been telling me about your meeting.'

There was a long pause. Janet was waiting for her to say something. ‘Yes. I think it went well.' Janet didn't know what to say, but she suddenly knew she had to see her. ‘Paula—may I call you Paula?'

‘Yes.'

‘Could we meet? I would like to talk to you.'

‘Why?'

‘I feel I have a lot to tell you.'

‘Why, is there some medical problem I should know about?'

Janet could hear the panic in Paula's voice.

‘No. It's just that I thought you might like to know things, like who your grandparents are and where they live.' Janet was clutching at straws. She was trying to make herself sound interesting.

‘Not really. Who was my father?'

‘Paula, I would rather tell you these things to your face. Would you like to come round to my house?'

‘No. Is there any point in me meeting you?'

‘Only if you feel you want to.'

‘I don't know. I've done without you all these years.'

‘I know and I only wish I could turn the clock back.'

There was a long silence.

‘I'm sorry if I am upsetting you,' said Janet.

‘No, you're not.'

‘Well, thank you for calling.'

‘Wait. I'll meet you somewhere.' Paula wanted it to be on neutral ground; that way she wouldn't feel intimidated.

They made arrangements to meet in a quiet local pub in half an hour. When Janet put the phone down she was almost dancing with happiness.

 

In the pub Janet sat nervously watching the door. She didn't like sitting there on her own. She began to wonder if Paula might have got cold feet and changed her mind.

Paula stood outside. Part of her wanted to go in and tell this woman what she thought of her, and part of her wanted to walk away. What could she say to this woman? What should she call her? Certainly not mother. The door opened and a man walked out. Paula tried to see in but the door closed too quickly. Was she in there? ‘If I don't meet her I'll only have Sue nagging me. So it'll be just a quick hello then I'll be off,' she said to herself.

She took a deep breath and pushed open the door.

When Paula walked in Janet felt so much joy she wanted to hold her close. It took all her strength to remain composed.

‘Hello,' she said, when Paula came towards her. ‘What would you like to drink?'

‘Just a shandy.' Having seen her in white coat at the hospital Paula was taken back by the smart way Janet was dressed. She looked almost too young to be her real mother.

As it was Monday the pub was practically empty and Janet was back quickly.

‘I've never been in here before,' said Janet, looking round.

‘I come with Sue sometimes. You know, my friend who you met this morning.'

Janet nodded and smiled. ‘Yes, she seems a very pleasant person. Have you known her long?'

‘Since we went to college together.'

‘That's nice.'

‘I lived with her and her parents for a few years.'

‘Why was that?'

Paula was on her guard. She was cross with herself for letting that slip. Should she tell this woman about her father? That would make her feel guilty. ‘It was more convenient.'

‘Paula, is there anything you would like to know about me?'

Paula was determined not to like this woman. She had to be on the defensive all the time. ‘Who was my father?'

Janet looked at her. This was the moment she had been waiting for: to tell her daughter all the things that had happened in her life. She took a deep breath and, looking into her daughter's brown eyes, began her story.

At first the conversation was very stilted. It was mostly Janet answering Paula's questions. Janet was nervous; she wanted to ask questions without appearing to be nosy. She wanted to know everything about her daughter's life over these past twenty-five years.

‘Did you bring any photographs of you as a child?' asked Janet tentatively.

‘No.'

Janet could see Paula wasn't going to be gushing and she knew she would have to bide her time.

As they sat quietly talking the atmosphere gradually began to feel easy.

 

Paula was studying Janet. She seemed a pleasant woman with a ready smile, and appeared to be genuinely pleased to see her. If she was telling her the truth perhaps all these years she had been wrong about her. Even the deep hate she had had was slowly lifting a little as Janet told her about her life, but Paula was still on her guard. She didn't want to be hurt again.

Paula was told about Sam. She heard how Janet's parents had sent her away when she was pregnant.

‘Why didn't you marry my father?'

‘At the time I was only sixteen and he wasn't for me. He was very ambitious.' Janet had to be careful it didn't sound too much like a one-night stand.

‘Does he know about me?'

Janet shook her head.

She told Paula about the home and the nuns and where she was born and how she met Freda, who, after all these years, was still a very good friend.

She then decided to tell her about Mark. She wanted her to know everything; she had nothing to lose.

‘He went to Canada two weeks before you were due to be married? That must have been heartbreaking!' said Paula.

‘Yes, it was.'

‘You didn't tell him before then that you had had a baby?'

Janet ran her finger round the rim of her glass. ‘It sounds silly today, but then it was considered such a disgrace.'

‘Did you have any other children?'

‘No.'

Did she believe this woman? If this were true then Paula knew her father had been telling her lies. ‘So you never married?'

Janet shook her head. ‘No, when Mark went to Canada he never even got in touch with Danny, a great friend of his—well, he was till the trouble over a car.' She went on to give her a brief outline of that episode in her life.

‘What about this Mark's parents?'

Janet looked away. ‘I don't know. I've never spoken to anyone in Stowford since I left.'

‘So my grandparents don't know about me?'

‘Only that you exist. I would go back if you ...' Janet stopped. She didn't want to rush things. ‘They may not be alive now.'

Paula looked uneasy. ‘All those years ago, would you have gone to Canada if you knew where to look for Mark after you saw me?'

‘I might have done, but by then it was too late. Besides, he was probably married with children by then.'

‘Did you ever regret it?'

‘In some ways. I loved Mark, but you see I'd made you a promise when you were born. I was determined to find you.'

‘And it has taken you twenty-five years,' said Paula softly.

‘Yes.' Janet could feel the lump rising in her throat. She swallowed hard. ‘Have you still got a birthmark on your left foot?' she asked light-heartedly.

Paula laughed. ‘Yes, I have. Fancy you remembering that.'

‘I used to walk round the park in the summer looking at little girls' feet, just in case.'

‘You did?' Paula was careful not to let her know Sue had told her this. ‘I bet that caused a few stares?'

‘I was very discreet.'

The landlord was calling time.

Janet began to panic. ‘I haven't had the chance to ask about you and the baby. I'm so pleased about it.' She wanted to add that being a grandmother was going to be wonderful, but would Paula let her share her life now? ‘Look, would you like to come back to my house?' Janet didn't want this evening to end.

‘No, I have to go home. I've got a busy day tomorrow.'

‘Please, could we meet again sometime?'

‘I don't know.'

‘Please, Paula.'

‘Perhaps. I'll think about it.' Now Paula had heard about her past she was beginning to mellow just a little towards Janet. ‘Here's my phone number.'

 

That night Janet couldn't sleep. She was so happy. She had seen and spoken to her daughter. She was so proud of her. She wanted to hug her, to make up for all the years. She knew Paula had a good job and she was clever as well as very attractive. Janet wondered what sort of effect their meeting had had on her. Would she see her again socially? She hadn't said very much about herself. When Janet thought about it, it was just her job she had talked about. Janet knew Paula's adoptive mother was dead, but she hadn't said anything about her father; she hadn't even talked about the baby, or its father.

She lay looking at the ceiling. Could they become a family? But what about the baby's father? Would he let Janet into their lives? Janet smiled to herself. There was nothing to stop her hoping. Tomorrow she would buy her a small present for the baby. After all, she had twenty-five Christmases and twenty-five birthdays to make up for.

 

Paula too was finding sleep difficult. As she tossed and turned so many thoughts filled her mind. Had she been wrong all these years? Believing her father had been easy, as she needed someone to hate, but now after meeting this woman she wasn't so sure. Had he told her all those things because he loved her and didn't want to lose her? Paula's mind was in a turmoil. I was this woman's only child, she thought. She said she had given up her own happiness, her own chance of marrying, just to find me. But was that the truth, or was the woman just trying to sound like a martyr? Would Paula ever learn the truth? Tomorrow she would tell Sue all about Janet. She knew Sue liked her and would be pleased the meeting had gone so well. But was this going to change her life?

 

The next evening Janet phoned Paula, but she was out. She wanted to tell her about the pram set she had bought. It was white. Did Paula want a boy or a girl? Did she want to marry the father? She hadn't said anything about him. Janet knew she must take things one step at a time, but she was impatient.

She phoned Freda, who was thrilled with her news.

‘So when you seeing her again?'

‘I don't know.'

‘Does she want to see you?'

‘I hope so.'

‘What did you tell her?'

‘Everything.'

‘Blimey, that must have taken all evening. And what about her?'

‘We never got round to that.'

‘Is the father married?'

‘I don't know.'

‘Well, you'd better let me know all the grisly details when you find out.'

Janet smiled. ‘Of course.'

For the rest of the week Janet waited for a phone call from Paula, but it never came. Was she avoiding her? Did she want to see her again? On Friday night Janet was due to go and stay with Danny and Tina for the weekend. She had so much to tell them, she was always sure of a warm welcome there and Tina knew all about Paula.

 

On Friday Paula was at work when Trevor walked into her office. She wasn't sure if she wanted to throw her arms round him, or sock him one. She could see by his clenched jaw that he wasn't in a good mood. He closed the door behind him.

‘Trevor. What brings you here?' she said, smiling.

‘I thought that perhaps you might have phoned me over these past few weeks.'

‘Why? I thought we had discussed everything.' She was cross that he hadn't even bothered to ask how she was feeling.

‘I've been away and I didn't want you to think I hadn't returned your call. My office does have problems passing on messages at times.'

She never phoned him at home as he had told her it upset Glenda. ‘No, I haven't phoned you. I've not had any reason to.' She went to a filing cabinet and began looking through some files.

‘Can't you stop working for a moment?'

‘Trevor, I have a job to do.'

‘Can we meet somewhere?'

Paula knew she had to be careful. She knew she hadn't really got over him and she still wasn't sure if she wanted him back into her life.

‘I need to talk about our situation.'

‘I thought we had said all there was to say.'

‘I mean about Glenda.'

Paula was stunned. ‘You're going to tell her about the baby?'

‘Well. I think it's something we need to discuss.'

‘I thought we had.'

‘I've been giving it a lot of thought. We must talk about it.'

She wanted to throw her arms round him and kiss him, but she had to be sure this wasn't just another ploy to get her into bed, and anyway, did she want him now she was beginning to feel confident on her own? ‘I'm not sure.'

‘We can go for a meal.'

‘When?'

‘Tonight if you can make it.'

‘OK. Pick me up about eight.'

The phone was ringing when Paula walked into her flat. ‘Hello. Sue! No, I can't stop, I've got to get ready. I'm going out with Trevor.'

‘You're what? What for?' Sue sounded shocked.

‘He's asked me out to dinner.'

‘And what else?'

‘I'll have to wait and see.'

‘Be careful. Remember the things he said.'

‘Yes, Mum.' Paula put the receiver down. Sue meant well, but she wasn't on her own, and if Trevor was going to come round to the idea of the baby, who knew? She might find a place for him in her heart again.