Wishes and Tears (20 page)

Paula stood at the window and, narrowing her eyes, watched the car slowly drive past. Was that woman her mother, the woman who had given birth to her? Paula knew she had been adopted; her father had told her many times. What did this woman want with her now? She was the person who had given her away. Paula wanted to shout and hit her like she had been hit herself. Paula hated her and wanted to tell her. Why had she come here?

‘Paula,' her father was calling her. He walked into the room with her mother behind. ‘I think you know who that woman was.'

Paula nodded. ‘How did she know where to find me?'

‘She was very devious. She came to the bank.'

‘But how did she know my name?'

‘It must have been a fluke. Perhaps someone had told her. But don't let it upset you. If you spoke to her she would probably tell you a lot of lies.'

‘What if I see her out somewhere?'

‘I forbid you to see her.'

‘Why?'

‘Because we have brought you up.'

Paula looked at her mother, whose face gave nothing away. Why didn't she say something? Was she so terrified of her husband? Paula often heard him shouting at her. Did he hit her as well?

‘There's promotion going at the bank,' her father was saying. ‘I'm going to apply for it. It will mean moving away.'

Mrs Brook took a sharp intake of breath. ‘I thought we were settled here.'

‘You know me, always on the look out for promotion, and this has come at just the right time.'

‘What about Paula's schooling?'

‘She's adaptable.' He left the room.

Paula went to speak but her mother put up her hand to stop her. Paula could see the hurt in her eyes.

‘Just do as he says, my dear.' She too left the room.

Paula turned back to the window and looked up and down the road. That was her mother, the woman who had given her away. She had the nerve to come here and cause more problems. She was going to have to leave her school because of her. How she hated her. She loved her school. Paula had wanted to tell her to go away and leave them alone. She had upset her kind mother and that made her hate that woman even more.

Janet felt utterly miserable as she drove away. Tears ran down her face. This had been her hope, the thing that had driven her on all these years. The reason she hadn't married Mark. But she had seen her daughter, and through her tears she managed a slight smile. Was this now the end? Would she ever see her again? Was life worth living now?

She wasn't concentrating on her driving when a wheel hit the kerb. She fought to control the car but couldn't stop it from slewing across the road. It mounted the kerb and hit a bush, then a wall.

Janet sat for a moment or two with her head on the steering wheel. She was dazed and trembling. She sat back. Thank goodness the road had been empty. If a car had been coming the other way, she could have killed somebody. Although she was shaking and her legs felt like jelly she got out to survey the damage. She pulled twigs and bracken from the radiator and fortunately, as far as she could see, only the bumper was bent. On closer inspection she could see there was a dent in the wing but the car still looked driveable.

She didn't want to go home and brood on the day's events alone, but where could she go? Freda was still at work and Charlie wasn't the greatest of conversationalists. She looked at her watch. Danny would still be at the showroom; she would go and see him. He always had a broad shoulder for her to cry on, and he would see about getting her a new bumper and the wing straightened.

Danny was just locking up his office when Janet drove in.

‘Jan, what you doing here?'

She got out of her car.

‘My God. What's happened to you? And what have you done to the car?'

She knew her face was tear-stained and her mascara had run for she had been crying all the way there. ‘I've had a bit of an accident,' she sniffed. ‘And could an old friend cadge a cup of tea?'

‘Course, come in.' He unlocked the office again and put the light on. ‘Would you like to go somewhere and have something a little stronger?'

‘No, tea will be fine, if that's OK with you? 'Sides, I can't go anywhere looking like this.'

‘That's true. Now I'll just put the kettle on then you can tell me all about it.'

‘Is Tina expecting you home?'

‘Not to worry, she gets used to me walking in at all hours, just as long as I get to see her before she goes to bed.'

‘How is she? She's not got much longer to go now, has she?'

‘About two weeks. I can't wait.'

‘Never thought I'd ever see you as a family man.'

‘We all change. Look, I'll tell you what, I'll give Tina a ring and if it's all right with her you could come over for the weekend.'

‘I'd like that, but are you sure she won't mind?'

‘Course not. Look, you ain't come here to talk about me and Tina, or that bumper, so I'll make this tea and you tell me what's wrong.'

They sat drinking tea and Janet told him all that had happened. Danny was a good listener and didn't interrupt even when she stopped to wipe away her tears.

‘So, after all this time you've found her,' he said softly.

She nodded. ‘She's quite a tall girl for her age.' Janet dabbed at her eyes. ‘It's her birthday in March.'

‘The old man sounds a nasty bit of work—mind you, I don't like any bank managers, not when they want money. But looking at it from his point of view I know how I'd feel if someone came to take my daughter away.'

‘Do you think I was wrong?'

‘Dunno. It ain't for me to say. So what you gonner do now, Jan?'

‘I don't know. This is what I've spent years of my life looking for and now I've found her ...' She sniffed and blew her nose.

Danny put his arm round her. ‘And you lost the chance of marrying Mark.'

‘I know. Why was I so stupid?'

‘You wasn't stupid. You was a mother. I think I know how I'd feel.'

‘If only Mark had understood.'

‘You should have told him right at the start, given him a chance to think about it.'

‘I know that now, don't I?'

‘Would you see him if he ever came back?'

Janet's head shot up. ‘Has he been in touch?'

‘No. It's just that ... well, you never know, do you?'

‘I don't know how I'd feel. Time makes you mellow, doesn't it?'

Danny nodded.

‘He's probably married with a couple of kids now.'

‘Yer, could be. Let me give Tina a ring.' He went back to his desk and picked up the phone. ‘Hello, love, it's me. Look, I've got Jan in the office. No, there ain't nothing wrong with her car. Well, there is ...' He looked at Janet, raised his eyes to the ceiling and tutted. ‘No, she's had a little bump, nothing to worry about. Tine, have we got anything lined up for the weekend? Christ, I clean forgot about that. What about the weekend after?' He put his hand over the receiver. ‘That all right?'

Janet nodded.

‘Tine, that's great, Jan will be coming then. No, just Sat'day night and Sunday. OK, see you later.' He put the phone back on the cradle. ‘Sorry about that but it seems we've been invited to a birthday party. It's one of Tina's lot and we can't let ‘em down.'

‘I understand.'

‘But make it the weekend after. Put it in your diary.' She smiled. ‘Don't keep one now. Thanks, Danny, for the tea and sympathy.'

‘It's my pleasure.' He kissed her cheek and held her tight. “Sides, that's what friends are for.‘He handed her a set of keys. ‘Take that one,' he pointed to a blue Ford. ‘And I'll get yours seen to. I'll get Rob to give it the once-over while it's in.'

They walked to the cars together. ‘Give my love to Tina.'

They said their goodbyes. Janet went home feeling exhausted but she did not sleep much that night. She had an awful lot to think about.

Janet didn't go into work the next day with her usual enthusiasm. Now she'd found what she'd been looking for, her life didn't seem to have any purpose.

On Saturday she met Freda in the coffee bar and told her all that had happened.

‘What did she look like?' asked Freda.

‘She's got long dark hair that's done in a ponytail and she's quite tall. I would have loved to have talked to her. I wonder if she's doing well at school.'

‘You'll never find out now, not if the old man has anything to say about it.'

‘No.'

‘So, what you gonner do now?'

‘I don't know.'

‘You could fly off to Canada and try to find Mark.'

‘Don't talk daft. Even if I wanted to I wouldn't know where to start looking.'

‘You could go and see his parents. They must know, he's sure to have kept in touch.'

‘I couldn't go back there, not now.'

‘Have you ever been back?'

Janet toyed with the spoon in the saucer. ‘Once, but I didn't stop. I just sat in the car and watched my parents walk back from church. I saw Mark's mother as well, but she didn't talk to my mother.'

‘So, what you gonner do with your life?'

‘I've got to start again.'

‘You're not going to move, are you?'

‘No, I love my dear little house too much, but I am going to change my job. I couldn't work there now. I wouldn't want to go down in that records room again; I'd get too upset.'

‘What d'you fancy doing?'

‘I'm not sure. It'll have to be office work.'

‘I'm always surprised you ain't ever worked in a hospital, especially with babies.'

‘I couldn't do that. I couldn't be a nurse.'

‘No, not a nurse. In the office.'

Janet sat back. ‘D'you know, that might not be a bad idea.'

 

The following day Janet went to the local hospital, which was always crying out for staff. She was offered a job as receptionist in the antenatal clinic.

That weekend she didn't go to stay with Danny and Tina as Tina was rushed to hospital. She had a baby girl whom they called Emma. And when they asked Janet to be godmother she was overwhelmed.

At last she was going to get to hold a baby, even if it wasn't hers.

 

As, over the years, Janet watched her goddaughter grow into a little girl, and then into a big one, she was aware that her own life was slipping by. She often wondered where Mark was.

Was he happily married and settled in Canada with children? She knew she could find the answer to that just by going back to Stowford, but that part of her life was over. Her parents had never answered any of her letters and she couldn't face Mr and Mrs Scott, not now.

And when Janet did go out with other men she found them either shallow and uninteresting, or overbearing.

‘What's happened to whatsisname? Jack?' asked Freda, after yet another short-lived boyfriend bit the dust.

‘He wasn't really my type. I know, it's me. I seem to attract the wrong sort.'

‘Too bloody fussy, that's your trouble,' was Freda's comment when Janet told her she'd finished with Jack Murdoch, a commercial traveller, when he'd got drunk one night and, rather crassly, tried to get Janet to sleep with him.

‘I've still got my rabbit to cuddle in bed,' Janet joked.

‘Hummh. Fat lot of good that is.'

As the decades moved on Janet settled down to her comfortable lifestyle. In 1977 the Queen's Silver Jubilee brought back the most poignant of memories for her, disturbing the careful balance of her existence. She was melancholy as her thoughts went back to the Coronation and the night Paula was conceived.

Where was Sam, Paula's father, she wondered. Her curiosity sometimes made her look for him in films and on the television. Had he ever made the big time?

For years she had tried to put the past behind her, but still she found herself glancing into cars, hoping she would see Paula, although she had no idea what she looked like now she was a woman. When Janet saw her all those years ago she thought she looked like her, but who knew now? Could she be married? Was Janet a grandmother?

In the end, she decided her job was the most rewarding thing in her life and with promotion found she could afford almost anything she liked. Except the one thing she wanted more than anything else and that was to see her daughter again.