Wishes and Tears (24 page)

‘No, we moved just after that.'

‘She must have been searching for you.'

‘Do you think she was? I've never thought about it in that way before.'

‘She might be very upset when, she knows how you were treated.'

‘Good.'

‘Oh come on, Paula, that's not a nice thing to say.'

‘I want her to suffer like I did.'

‘Have you ever thought why she gave you away? How she might have suffered?'

‘No, I've always been too angry. Every time my father hit me I vowed that if I ever met her I would do the same to her.'

‘She looks quite young, so she must have been very young when you were born—and remember things were a bit different in the fifties.'

‘I suppose they were.'

‘They weren't as broad-minded as we are today.'

‘Are you going to make me forgive her?'

‘I wouldn't do that—well, not till we hear her reason for having you adopted.'

‘I don't want to talk to her.'

Sue touched Paula's hand. ‘Remember, she will be your baby's only grandmother.'

Paula didn't have an answer to that. Instead she said softly, ‘The name on my birth certificate is Samuel.'

‘So that's who I'll ask for.'

‘Don't let her tell you a lot of lies.'

‘How can she do that?'

‘I don't know.'

‘Aren't you excited?'

‘No, why should I be?'

‘I just thought it must be rather nice to find a—'

‘I don't want to know.'

‘Well, we'll both be a lot wiser tomorrow.'

Paula looked into her coffee cup. Part of her wanted to find out the truth, but part of her didn't want to be hurt any more.

When early the following morning Sue got to the hospital reception desk, she suddenly realized she didn't after all know who to ask for. Paula had told her that the name on her birth certificate was Samuel, but what if that woman was married?

‘Name, please?' a young lady asked, looking up when Sue approached her.

‘Excuse me, but do you have a Miss or Mrs Samuel working here?'

‘Not to my knowledge. Now could I have your name?'

‘Perhaps you could tell me the name of the lady who was here on this desk yesterday?'

‘If you wish to see the doctor I have to have your name.' The receptionist was getting a little cross.

‘No, I'm not pregnant, it's just that I would like to talk to the person who saw my friend yesterday, a Miss Brook.'

‘I'm afraid I can't give out any information regarding other patients.'

‘I am aware of that.' Sue was beginning to get a bit ruffled with this slip of a girl. ‘I just need to talk to her, that's all.'

‘What about?'

‘It's personal.'

She tutted. ‘Wait here.' With a toss of her head she disappeared into the room behind the desk.

‘Janet, there's somebody out here that wants to speak to a Miss or Mrs Samuel. Do you happen to know her?'

Janet jumped up. ‘Did she say what she wanted?'

‘No.'

‘Thanks, Mary.' Janet touched the back of her hair nervously and smiled. Her daughter had come to see her.

Sue almost gave a sigh of relief when Janet came out.

Janet recognized Sue at once and quickly looked round for Paula. ‘Is Paula ... Miss Brook ... ?'

‘No. I am on my own. Can I have a word?'

Janet was beginning to panic. Why wasn't she here? ‘Look, let's go over there.' Janet pointed to two chairs that were against the wall away from the rest of the patients.

When they sat down Janet said, ‘I hope I didn't upset Miss Brook yesterday. That's the last thing I want to do.'

‘No—well, yes, you did in a way.'

‘I'm very sorry. Are you a relation?'

‘No, a very good friend.'

‘I see. What did you want to talk to me about?'

‘So many things. What time is your lunchbreak? Perhaps we could talk then?'

‘Yes. If you think it would do any good.'

‘I think so.'

‘I can go off at twelve if that's OK with you?'

‘That will be fine. I have some shopping to do this morning. Where shall I meet you?'

‘At the entrance.'

Sue stood up. ‘We have a lot to talk about.'

Janet watched her walk away. What was she going to tell her? It was obvious her daughter didn't want to see her otherwise she would have come with her friend. Janet slowly made her way back to her office. Was this going to be another sad day - the day her daughter was going reject her completely?

It seemed every five minutes Janet looked at the clock. Mornings usually flew by but today was going so slowly and it was unusually quiet. The ticking of the clock was loud and overbearing, and even noise from children shouting and yelling would have been welcome. Finally it was twelve and she hurried from the office, her heart beating fast. Would Paula be with her friend?

Sue was waiting alone.

‘Hello,' said Janet. ‘There's a quiet place round the corner. I thought we could go there.'

‘I don't mind.'

They walked along in silence. It wasn't until they were in the restaurant and had ordered that Sue spoke.

‘I hope you don't mind but I'd like to write a few things down. Paula asked me to.'

Janet was surprised. ‘No, no, I don't mind. Did she know she was adopted?'

‘Yes, her father told her almost as soon as she could understand.'

‘I see. What is it she wants to know?'

‘The first thing is why did you have her adopted?'

Janet felt uneasy. ‘I would rather tell Paula that, if you don't mind.'

‘She doesn't want to see you, but she does want to know about you and why you gave her away.'

‘I didn't have any choice. You see, I was sixteen when I became pregnant and we lived in a small village. It was a terrible disgrace in the fifties and my parents sent me away.'

‘Didn't Paula's father want to marry you?'

‘I didn't want to marry him.'

‘Did he know about Paula?'

‘No. I didn't want to give her up but as I was underage it wasn't my decision. I've tried to find her. I did manage to see her once, but her adoptive father made me promise not to worry them again. He threatened me with the police and I didn't want to upset Paula.' Janet, using her fork, pushed her sausage and chips round the plate. She wasn't hungry.

‘That sounds like her father,' said Sue.

Janet quickly looked up. ‘Did they treat her all right?'

‘I think so.' Sue wasn't prepared to tell her the truth; that was up to Paula.

‘Are they still alive?'

‘Her father is; her mother died quite a while back.'

‘Does she live with her father?'

‘No.'

‘Is she getting married?'

‘Look, I'd rather not say anything about Paula. Is there anything you would like me to tell her?'

‘No. Just that I regret what happened. I've spent a great many years looking for her.' Janet could feel the tears stinging her eyes. ‘I've looked at girls who I thought might have resembled Paula. For years I studied little girls' feet in the park, looking for a birthmark.'

Sue almost gasped.

‘I looked twice at cars when I thought the drivers could have been her.' She wiped her eyes.

Quickly regaining her composure Sue asked, ‘Are you married?'

Janet shook her head. She blew her nose. She wasn't going to tell this stranger about Mark.

‘I would really like to talk to Paula. Do you think she would give me a ring?'

‘I don't know.'

‘Here's my phone number.' Janet wanted to know if Paula was getting married. Did she have enough money? From the outside her flat looked very expensive; did she rent it? So many questions were buzzing around her head.

‘I must go. Here's my share of the bill.' Sue put some money on the table.

‘I'm sorry. I was miles away.'

Janet stood up. ‘I don't know your name.'

‘Sue.' She held out her hand. ‘I do hope we meet again.'

‘I expect we will for a few months at least, at the hospital.'

Sue didn't have the heart to tell her Paula was thinking of going to her doctor for her checkups.

 

As soon as she could, Paula left the office and hurried to Sue's.

‘Well?' she asked, when Sue opened the door. ‘What did she say?'

‘She's a very nice person.'

‘She might be now.' Paula followed Sue into the kitchen.

‘I've got her phone number, it's there on the worktop. Paula, I think you should give her a chance to tell you why she did what she did.'

‘Why?' Paula turned the piece of paper over, then stuffed it into her pocket.

‘She was sixteen when she was expecting you. She said she has been trying to find you all these years. She knows about your birthmark.'

‘She does?' asked Paula in surprise.

‘She used to go to the park looking at little girls' feet on the off chance she might see you.'

‘Stop it, you're breaking my heart,' said Paula sarcastically.

‘Well, at least she's genuine. She came to your house once, but your father, not your real one, threatened her with the police if she came looking for you again.'

‘That sounds like the old sod. Who was my real father?'

‘I didn't ask. I think you should ask that.'

‘You're being very cagey, Sue. What was really said?'

Sue handed Paula a cup of coffee. ‘Not a lot. She's very fond of you.'

‘She doesn't bloody well know me.'

‘Paula, keep your voice down. I don't want the boys picking up the wrong words.'

‘Sorry. It's just that I'm so angry.'

‘Why?'

‘I don't know. I don't want this woman interfering in my life.'

‘Just bear in mind that you're on your own.'

‘I've got you.'

‘I might not always be there when you need me. You could do with someone around who has your welfare at heart.'

‘So who do you suggest? There's Trevor and now my long-lost mother. Not much of a choice, is it?'

‘Don't be silly. Trevor's the last person you can rely on. And before you start on about the past, remember nobody can turn the clock back.'

Paula was angry with Sue for talking to her as if she were a child. She felt angry at this strange woman who was now causing a rift between her and her best friend. ‘I think I'll be going.'

‘You don't have to. Stay and have a bit of dinner.'

‘No, thanks. I feel a bit tired.'

‘Please yourself. I don't think fish fingers with my two sound that exciting anyway.'

‘I'll give you a ring tomorrow.'

‘Paula, don't let this upset you. Give the woman a chance.'

‘I'll see myself out.' She kissed Sue's cheek. ‘Bye, boys,' she called as she passed the lounge, but she didn't think they heard her above the television.

All the way home she thought over what Sue had said. She was all alone.

Arriving home she took the paper with Janet's phone number on it from her pocket and, screwing it up, threw it in the bin. She wasn't going to call her. This woman was now winning Sue round. She must be really selfish.

Paula's thoughts kept going to Janet. She should phone her and tell her what she thought of her and how much she hated her and wanted her to stay away from her.

When her phone ran she jumped, and then carefully picked up the receiver. ‘Hello,' she said softly.

‘It's Sue. Have you phoned her yet?'

‘No.'

‘Well, I think you should.'

‘I don't want to.'

‘Are you all right?'

‘Yes, and thanks, Sue, for talking to her.'

‘That's OK. She does seem a nice person.'

‘I'll phone her if it's going to make you happy.'

‘It isn't me I'm worried about.'

‘I'll do it. Bye.'

Paula went to the bin and took out the paper. Smoothing it straight she put it beside her telephone. Did she want this woman in her life? But the idea of finding out about her own background was beginning to intrigue her. Twice she went to dial the number but changed her mind.

 

As soon as Janet got home from work she phoned Danny. She had to tell someone and Freda always went to the launderette on Monday evenings nowadays.

‘Hello, Tina, it's Jan. Is Danny home yet?'

‘No, not yet. Is it the car?'

Janet laughed. ‘No.' She had recently bought another from Danny. ‘You haven't got a lot of faith in your husband, have you?'

Tina also laughed. ‘No, I suppose not. Do you want him to give you a ring when he gets in?'

‘If he's not too busy.' She could hear the children shouting in the background.

‘Be quiet, you two. Sorry about that. By the way, when are we going to see you?'

‘I don't know.'

‘Come over at the weekend. That's if you can put up with the kids.'

‘I might do that. I'll let you know.'

Janet put the phone down and reflected on Tina and Danny. She loved them both dearly, but she didn't want Danny to hear her news from Tina; she was busy with the children and perhaps he wouldn't be told everything.