Wished Away: A Broken Fairy Tale (12 page)

Now, watching Jess with the others posing in front of the GoodFellas logo does nothing but fill me with happiness and pride. I can feel the mixture of sadness and excitement of her accomplishment, and only wish her sadness could be replaced with the same contentment about my situation as I feel. I don’t ever get sad when I revisit the memories of my past, I only feel peace that I’ve lived such a full life in such a short time. The only time I ever feel anything other than complete serenity is when I see the sadness on Jess’s face. Tonight she’s doing a good job at trying to be more like the Jess
before
, smiling and laughing along with the guests when the moment calls for it. She even makes some sarcastic comments, giving me a glimmer of hope that she’s beginning to find some light in her darkness. I watch as man after man blatantly stares her way, but as usual she has no idea.

Then, I’m drawn to a powerful energy that pulls my attention across the large room overlooking the ocean that’s filled with round tables all adorned with bright blue table cloths and seashells. I notice someone watching Jess and realize it’s a face that I recognize. A face I respect and regard. His eyes are assessing, no… admiring Jess as she waits at the bar all alone and looking so vulnerable. I can feel the way his heart rate begins to pick up and know that it’s in reaction to seeing my wife. There aren’t many other than Joey and Holden that I would trust near my girls, but Gage Scott is one of the few I would. Just knowing he’s looking at Jess in such a caring way rather than tearing off her clothes in his thoughts, settles me. He knows how it feels to lose a partner, and he worries about her. It’s written all over his face. He makes his way over to the bar towards Jess, not stopping for the women who try to intersect his advance, never taking his eyes off her, and for a moment I have hope that she will connect with him in some way. Maybe he can help her find her way out of the sadness that she seems to be sinking in.

Watching Jess interact with Gage is almost painful. Not because I notice the way her cheeks heat up when he touches her arm, but with how closed off and dismissive she is. Jess has always been a friendly, flirty girl, and seeing her this way only reinforces my fear that she won’t find happiness again. I keep feeling as if her need for me is keeping me from moving on, as much as my need to know she will be ok is. I have to find a way to let her know it’s ok to let go. I have to or else I won’t be able to let go either. Such a big part of me would love nothing more than to get lost in the memories of our time together, but it doesn’t feel right, I feel an underlying sense of uneasiness all the time when I watch Jess and my friends.

I know this is not where I am supposed to be. The times when I’m lost in the memories of my past are the happiest times for me since my death, and where I find myself spending more and more time.

My focus returns to Jess standing before all of the guests and I’m at her side, wishing I could reach out and take her in my arms. When she starts to speak to the crowd of guests gathered to celebrate the success of her charity organization, I see a glimpse of the old her peek though. She breaks a full dimpled smile telling the crowd the millions of dollars the foundation has already been able to use to make the lives of others better. I feel a sense of swelling pride for all she has done. When the auction begins, I notice again that Jess is doing everything she can not to react to the way Gage watches her from his table. Her heart is racing, so she picks up her drink, and takes a sip to try and level her breathing as she always has in the past. When he makes an impressive donation there is nothing she can do to hide her admiration, or the questions that are swirling around her. Just when I think there may be hope, I watch as Gage gets up and walks away without approaching Jess, and is gone. I hear a sharp intake of breath, and know instantly it’s Jess. She’s staring up at the screen projecting images of our life together, and her sadness fills my soul. A picture of Jess and me with Charlotte on our boat appears and Jess gets up from her chair and walks away trying to hide her pain. I try to follow her, but am pulled back into the memory of the day on our boat when the picture was taken.

I remember that day when we pulled up to our favorite cove. I’d found a circle of rocks at the bow of our boat when I was tying her up. I took handfuls of the smooth stones like the one I gave her when her parents died and when I proposed and put them under one of the benches on the boat. Whenever Jess was upset or needed cheering up, I would have one to give to her as a peace offering, reminding her to always choose love, and to be strong. We spent the afternoon going from cove to cove, exploring for driftwood to use for a table Jess was making for one of the crafting projects she loved to do in her free time. She was always creating things for our home, and was now even making a few things for our friends and family. Days like those were my favorite. Just the three of us. I can think of nothing else but the smell of the salty ocean water splashing over us while we skipped across the waves, just the three of us, feeling nothing but happiness.

Jess

C
amryn has been in labor for ten hours and I’m ready to pass out. The poor thing, I thought with this being her third kid, this one would fly out, but no such luck. This little man seems to be just as stubborn as his parents. I begin to laugh a little at the thought, my mind flickering to Dave high fiving me like he always used to when I picked on the two of them.

“What’s so funny?” Cam says in a slurp voice while she sucks on ice chips.

I look over at my best friends and feel a mix of emotions watching Holden hold a cool washcloth on Cam’s head with one hand and rubbing her belly with the other. Holden is such a strong man, but when he’s with Cam, he turns into a total softy. I hate myself a little every time I feel jealousy about their life, so instead I smile up at them. “I was just thinking how perfect your family will be now.”

Holden smiles down at Cam and kisses her head and looks back at me. “While I’m sure you were laughing about some smart ass comment you made to yourself, I’ll let it slide this once.”

A nurse walks into the room ready to check Camryn saving me from the prodding for my secret thoughts that were sure to come. I decide this is a good opportunity to grab some coffee and make some calls, giving them some privacy and time alone. “I’m going to go give your dad and Joey an update. Can I get you guys anything from the cafeteria?”

“Get me coffee and I’ll love you forever.” Cam smacks Holden’s head and he just laughs.

“You already do,” I say walking out of the room.

After I call Cam’s dad and Joey, I make my way to the sparsely filled cafeteria. It is nearly 2 a.m. and the only people here are the doctors on a break and a few older people huddled together in the corner. I haven’t eaten since I got here with Cam earlier today, so I decide on a piece of chocolate cake telling myself that I’ll run an extra mile tomorrow excusing my indulgent choice. Giving Cam and Holden some alone time right now is probably best since it’s so late and still no baby. Cam begged me to be here for her delivery, so here I am, cheering her on, trying everything I can not to think of the last time I was at this hospital. But looking at the family comforting each other in the corner of the cafeteria makes the memory unavoidable.

“Mind if I join you?” The now familiar deep raspy voice sends my heart leaping. I look up and meet bright blue eyes that always seem to be marred with sadness that matches mine.

I smile and am glad to have something to take me out of the morbid thoughts that seem to be increasing with each day instead of getting better. “Of course not.”

He sets down his tray filled with a large salad, a fruit bowl, and a water. I poke my fork into my double chocolate cake and can only imagine what he’s thinking of my food choice. His dark brown hair is cut shorter than it was when I saw him a few weeks ago and it makes him look even more attractive than before--if that’s even possible. I can only imagine how many of the nurses and patients chase him around here every day, vying for his attention that always seems so aloof towards others. I notice for the first time black script peeking out the top of the collar on the back of his neck and wonder if it’s a tattoo. He doesn’t seem like the type to have a tattoo, especially one that big.

“Has Cam had the baby yet?” He interrupts my tangent thoughts, smiling sweetly showing me his deep dimples.

I’m glad that he starts the conversation, I’m always so on edge when he’s around. As easy as it is for me to say some things to him that I don’t dare say to others, something about him makes me nervous. “Nope. That boy isn’t wanting out of the cozy home she’s given him these past nine months. They’re giving him a few more hours to make an entrance on his own before moving to a C-section.”

When he smiles at me again, my insides begin flipping all over the place. He. Is. So. Hot. “I’ll have to stop in and check on them on my way out.” He looks down at his salad and begins poking around, suddenly seeming shy. “I thought Joey was here with you?”

“Ha, Joey lasted an hour before heading out for a hot date. I’m sure he’ll be back in the morning after he bags his latest conquest.” Joey has been at my side for every single life event since Dave’s death, but I had to insist he leave tonight because he was driving me crazy with his impatience. He still hasn’t learned child birth takes hours, not minutes.

Gage looks up at me again with his forehead crinkled, and a questioning expression. “Can I ask you something…” he pauses and runs his hand across the slight stubble of his chin, and something inside me makes me want to reach over and touch him. My exhaustion must be kicking in because my thoughts about this man are turning far too personal and X-rated. He clears his throat and continues, his eyes filled with sincerity that I can’t define. “So, you and Joey aren’t a thing then?” He surprises me by blushing when he notices the shock on my face and quickly begins to retract his question. “I mean, he’s never said you were, it’s just you’re all he talks about when we’re out or at the gym. You both seem to care a lot about each other…” He’s cut off by my choking on my cake at his outrageous comment and laughs a little seeming as nervous as me.

I wish he would have chosen another time to ask me if Joey was my boyfriend; the thought alone is ridiculous. Joey has never had a relationship that lasted more than six months, not to mention it’d be like incest at this point; he’s like family. Gage begins patting my back looking truly concerned about my well-being while handing me his water. I hold up my hand letting him know I’m ok, and begin gulping the water, catching my breath, and hoping this moment will be over before I’m the one he has to operate on. The embarrassment is now creeping in when he sees that I’m alright and smiles with those dimples that make him seem so young and carefree.

His laugh is shockingly light considering the deep, dark tone it usually has. “Yeah, I’m going to take that as a no then.” He’s blushing again, and I wonder what he has to be embarrassed about when I’m the one with chocolate drool sliding down my chin.

I wipe my mouth still unable to stop laughing at the thought of dating Joey when I remember why dating anyone would even be possible, and sadness once again drapes me. I try to hide the change in my heart and pat the back of his coat. “That’s a definite no.” When he looks over at me from the corner of his eye, the same feeling I have every time he looks at me slides over me, and I decide to say more. “Joey seems to have taken it upon himself to make sure I haven’t had to spend an important moment alone since Dave died.” My breath catches every time I talk of Dave’s death and I wonder if that will ever change.

Gage pushes the chicken aside and pokes mindlessly at his salad. “You know when Cassie died, Joey was there for me more than some of my life long buddies. He made the time to make sure I wasn’t ever alone that first year too, and we had only just started hanging out again. He’s a good man, any woman would be lucky to have him.” He laughs when he notices I raise my eyebrow at his last statement.

“He’s a man whore,” I say when he holds his hands up like he has no idea what could make me snicker.